stillafool Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I did a very imature thing and looked through my kinda boyfriends text messages on his phone....yes I know it was wrong but I fully trusted him and did it anyway. (Guess I've been hurt in the past and this is how I've found out info on my ex's) First of all he isn't even your boyfriend and you snooped. I hate snooping and I feel that people who snoop get what they deserve.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I am sorry if I seemed so cold and insensitive, and I truly and honestly wish you the best. I can feel your hurting and that you think the snooping will end your relationship. But, it does not sound like that to me from what you said about your man... But, I am more concerned about you and your being down on yourself and the negative vibe you are sending out. Have you talked to anyone about your security issues? Something tells me someone hurt you really bad in the past and they really destroyed your ability to trust not only yourself but your current or possible future mates. And something tells me you are afraid that another man can't or won't love you like this guy. I want you to know, that this is where I agree with everyone else who believes you deserve better. If you can't live without someone and your not even dating or married, then maybe it is a time to step back. Focus on your child, yourself, and other non-relationship based things in your life. If you are in school focus on that. If you are working focus on seeing what you can do to move ahead. Go out and meet other single parents and get involved with them. Hang out with friends and family. Lastly, DON'T BE AFRAID TO SEEK PERSONAL COUNSELING! There is something that you are giving off that concerns me, maybe I am reading too much into it, but it sounds too familiar. It sounds like you are willing to put up with less because you do expect more will come your way. If I may ask with all honest, does he EVER hit or talk badly about you to your face? Does he does this in front of your kids? If yes, the woman you need to leave him alone. You can do bad by yourself, you don't need to let him drag you down. If he is not, then stick with him, work on your issues. See if he will join you so he too will know what he can do with you when you are going through these situations. DNR I may have little sympathy for those who walk into obvious bear traps. This does not mean I am not compassionate enough to be concerned if the same person has issues that needs to be addressed.
allina Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 It seems like by snooping she got the confirmation that something was off in the relationship. I am not a snooper and I wouldn't advise it but it's sort of a good thing that she found out now where she stands with this guy now, why drag it out? I think that she could tell that the R wasn't going too well which made her paranoid and made her snoop. What she found showed that her suspicions were correct, the guy wasn't all that committed and crazy about her. Now he's saying he's sorry but that he understands if she never wants to speak to him again. He's using this situation as a way out. He's not trying to work things out, he's telling her he needs time to think, needing time to think is what you need right before you break things off completely. And when a guy you're dating "screws up" and tells you that he understands if you never talk to him again it means that he doesn't really want you to talk to him again. Yes she was wrong for snooping but her relationship was on the rocks before, the snooping just doomed things a tad quicker.
Jilly Bean Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 A - in this situation, I'm not so focused on the means of how you garnered the info. The point is that he said these things about you. THAT would piss me off enough to never see him again, frankly.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 A - in this situation, I'm not so focused on the means of how you garnered the info. The point is that he said these things about you. THAT would piss me off enough to never see him again, frankly. So your saying you NEVER EVER talked about a boyfriend behind his back? If you haven't, you are the only woman then. Well I hope you never overhear your partners talk about you then. Because, I am sure they have and they will. DNR
porter218 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 For all you snoopers out there here is a cool concept... Just like we avoid getting shocked by not touching exposed wires. Or we avoid getting hit by a car by following the road rules. Or we know to where oven mitts when taking something out of the stove. To avoid getting your feelings hurt, DON'T SNOOP! Then you won't have to look stupid when something come out that you didn't expect. All I am going to say is snooping has it's time and it's place. Like I said I am not categorically against it. But the OP did it at the wrong time and wrong place...so to speak.
lemony fresh Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 D N R, I can honestly say that when I really cared about the guy, I did not say to my friends that he "wasn't as good looking as so and so dude" and that he has baggage. If a friend made such comments about my guy, I would be upset and defend him to her. I would say "Good thing you're not dating him then, I happen to think he's damned hot" or something of the like. If I was casually dating him and unsure about the guy and really didn't care about him, yes, I might make comments like that.
Lizzie60 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I am not against snooping if someone has doubts... it's the only way someone can find out if their partner is cheating... In this case, I think that the guy is not sure about which girls he'd like to have a relationship with .. hence the 'advice' from his friend... the other girl is better looking (according to them) plus she has no child.. which can be a 'plus' for a single guy. If I were you, I would 1st: stop contacting him.. don't look desperate... or needy. 2nd: stop apologizing.. no one needs to apologize.. he is free to do/say what he wants... and you're free to snoop all you want... next you'll apologize that he's cheating on you.. 3rd: move on...
porter218 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I am not against snooping if someone has doubts... it's the only way someone can find out if their partner is cheating... In this case, I think that the guy is not sure about which girls he'd like to have a relationship with .. hence the 'advice' from his friend... the other girl is better looking (according to them) plus she has no child.. which can be a 'plus' for a single guy. If I were you, I would 1st: stop contacting him.. don't look desperate... or needy. 2nd: stop apologizing.. no one needs to apologize.. he is free to do/say what he wants... and you're free to snoop all you want... next you'll apologize that he's cheating on you.. 3rd: move on... Lizzie when I told her she should apologize, I only mean in for saving face..because she already told him she did it. I think that as early in the relationship as it was he can get spooked by that. I am all for snooping..hell, I have been doing PI work on the side. As far as what he said about the other girl, well the OP isn't even his girlfriend yet and this line of comments were instigated by hi friend not himself. I think it sucks to hear and I would be hurt too, but maybe this other girl he used to date was hot as hell..we just can't judge comments that we don't know if they are true or not.
Author aubree1982 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 DNR, I do know that I have an issue with being insecure and that is probably why I snooped. My last boyfriend was texting inappropriate things to girls he was meeting online I found out he was looking through my phone so I did the same to him...well long story short I left him and didn't look back. Honestly, I wasn't too hurt by the whole thing because I knew I deserved better. Well the current guy treats me much better and is the nicest and sweetest guy I've ever dated....When we broke up the last time I went into a deep depression and thought I'd never find someone to love me like he did. It was one of those loves that you just know, the kind that most people always dream about. I did seek counseling and went a few times (only stopped due to money issues) and it really did help me. I think my doubts about getting back together with him have been centered around not wanting to be hurt again. Like I've said I know he has a right to question things since it is so early on but he did tell me he cares about me and doesn't want to break my heart. I think we both feel bad about what happened. It may be best to move on with our lives but part of me doesnt want to let go of him because of that spark I feel when I'm with him. I can see myself with him...even my daughters dad (whom I'm still good friends with) says he likes him and that he hopes we can work through this. When he calls (whenever that is, I'm waiting till he's ready I don't want to be the annoying girl who pressures him) what should I say to him to make him see that I really feel bad about all of this and want to move past it? Does snooping have to be a deal breaker? The comments he made obviously aren't for me. Would it be bad for me to tell him I'd still like to see him and take thing slow like we were doing until we figure out if we can get past this.
Jilly Bean Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 So your saying you NEVER EVER talked about a boyfriend behind his back? If you haven't, you are the only woman then. Of course I have (and DO!). But, if Baller overheard me telling a gf that he was lousy in bed, or I wish I was dating his better looking friend, I would fully expect to be dumped. How she found out is secondary to the gist of the info. I'd run with that more than anything.
lemony fresh Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 My opinion is, if he dumps you over this, he was looking for an easy out and didn't value you that much. I don't like this idea of him letting these days go by without calling you, either. Who knows, he could be out with this other girl. I'm tempted to tell you to just dump him. Something doesn't sit well with me with this man.
Pencup Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Id maybe leave the guy... he seems abit immature. I can relate to him if he is actually in a similar position to me. I have a good friend from work whom i only see as a friend. Yet i think she wants more even though iv told her i am just friends with her, just good friends. I get text messages along the lines of "I love you" " you dont need her shes problems" and i reply with messages of agreement. In a nutshell maybe hes agreeing with the person whos saying stuff about you to avoid confrontation and/or hurting her [to keep things on good terms]. Iv found to fit into society or maybe just be happier it helps to agree rather than simply disagree and get into a heated debate.
Author aubree1982 Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 He still hasn't called and it's been three days......how long should I wait for him to get back in contact with me? I want to give him time to think things over but don't want to continue to feel crappy either. If he hasn't called in a couple more days should I call him?
D-Lish Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Of course I have (and DO!). But, if Baller overheard me telling a gf that he was lousy in bed, or I wish I was dating his better looking friend, I would fully expect to be dumped. How she found out is secondary to the gist of the info. I'd run with that more than anything. I concur. How she found out is irrelevant now- because she did find out....can't go back. I'd fully expect to be dumped too if I said such things.
Krytie TV Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 What this equates to is either hearing your boyfriend talking to one of his friends when he thought you weren't there or even the thinking going on in his head. I'm incredibly floored by the peopl saying his text is a bad thing. Has no one here ever though that their partner was less than perfect but felt so much love for then they continued anyway? What you did was stole his private thoughts and are now holding them against him. Personally, I say shame on you for holding this against him. Don't snoop if you don't want to know the truth. There are millions of women better looking than you (nothing personal, merely numbers and subjectivity). To expect a man to think you are the best looking woman ever is ludicrous. Let the man have his personal thoughts and you wont have these problems anymore.
stillafool Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 He still hasn't called and it's been three days......how long should I wait for him to get back in contact with me? I want to give him time to think things over but don't want to continue to feel crappy either. If he hasn't called in a couple more days should I call him? I agree with Krytie TV! No you shouldn't contact him you should just move on.
Walk Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I agree that you should take the steps to move on. The fact that: A.) he agreed that the other girl (who is available) is better looking and has less baggage. B.) he texted about the other girl (while getting drunk) and implied he was watching her while he was there. (to me this says he is interested in her) C.) he hasn't called you to work things out. D.) he created space (said he needs time) between the two of you. E.) several days (4) have passed and he hasn't contacted you. I suggest that you go out an enjoy your life, even if you have to fake it right now. Its really important that you get out there and do something to take your mind off this guy for a while. It allows you to re-establish to yourself that there's more to life then just this guy. It also gives your subconcious time to deal with the issue without your concious mind interferring. And it shows him (and yourself) that he isn't the center of your universe and you'll be fine without him. Its vital that you push yourself outside of your bubble of unhappiness and try to reconnect with the fun in life. I'd also suggest that you call him, ask to meet him in person, and then make it clear that whatever you two had is over with since he can't be mature enough to try to work things out in an adult manner. (Don't do it over the phone or through text messages) I can't stand when someone refuses to communicate after numerous days have passed. I find it incredibly disrespectful. Last thing: This is how this guy will deal with problems in a relationship. He's avoiding making a decision on the relationship, he's left you in the dark, he refuses to take steps to resolve the problem. Is that someone you really want? A person who can't discuss issues, work to resolve them, and attempt to keep the person they claim to enjoy in their life?? Are you sure a spark of interest is enough to outweight his avoidance of conflict?
Author aubree1982 Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 Thank you Walk! I haven't looked at it like that before, he's done this to me before said he needed time to think but was probably just scared of hurting me. I want someone who can be honest and upfront with me and he should have never told me he didn't want to break my heart if he was having feelings for someone else. I also don't want to be with someone who is always on the fence about things...I need someone who is sure of themself and me. Letting me sit around and wait is not what I want to do! He is the one who said he wanted to get back together and I told him he needed to be sure about it before we went any further. I think I will call him and ask to talk what sucks is the next time I can see him in person is on Friday and he may have to work. I will probably tell him we need to go our separate ways even though its not what I want it is probably the best solution because who knows when he will ever be sure about being with me.
JackhammerGemma Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 The problem with snooping is (and I speak from recent experience unfortunately), once you start you just can't stop. It takes a lot of self control to stop yourself from looking through their phone, their bills, their emails, drawers, etc, if you looked once and found something distressing. The thought will most likely always be there that there is more to find, so you'll keep looking. I wish I had never started looking. Good luck to you and if you stay with this guy please, please try your hardest not to look through any more of his stuff. You'll only regret it in the end.
Author aubree1982 Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 I totally agree JackhammerGemma! I snooped on an ex a long, long time ago and always found things I probably didn't want to....It's made me question other relationships I've had. I'm not saying I will never snoop again but it's gotten me into too much trouble this time with someone I really care about. I wish dating and relationships weren't so hard!
Author aubree1982 Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Okay, so the situation is still not resolved and I'm sure you are all sick of hearing about it! He sent me a text tonight and asked if I had my daughter tomorrow night and that he was wanting to come talk. I do have my daughter but told him he could come later in the evening after she went to bed. He has to work really early the next day and since we live almost an hour away from each other he said "How about Tuesday of next week?" So, now I have to sit around and wait till next Tuesday to talk to him! This sucks!!! I'm almost tempted on sending him an email that I wrote but haven't sent yet and telling him I'm sorry but I think we need to go our separate ways...but on the other hand I would like to hear what he has to say and I know his response to an email won't be closure for me. I just have this gut feeling that he's going to end it, so why sit around and wait another five days to hear it from him? Also, I think it's crappy of him to make me wait no matter what he's going to say...any thoughts? Should I send the email?
Jilly Bean Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 What's wrong with you, Aubree? You should have dumped him as soon as he outed his real feelings about you. You were given a gift with this knowledge, and I'm not sure why you are waiting around for him to break it off.
Author aubree1982 Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Maybe I should, but he's more of a face to face person than a phone person. I agree he should have called and asked when a good time would be for us to get to togther and talk.
serialgf Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 if you're thinking about ending it anyway, then what's the harm in waiting til tuesday? i think the guilt about snooping and the insecurities you have about your relationship are really weighing on you and i sympathize with that but you kind of brought this upon yourself. i am in the camp that your bf did nothing really wrong and his apologizing to you sounds sincere and like he really cares about you. i agree with dark n romantic that people talk smack about there SO's all the time and even though i would also be pissed if i found out my bf said someone else was better looking than me, it was not your place to check in the first place for future reference, it is my opinion that you should have never said anything to him about finding the text (especially not over email or text or whatever...) - next time check in with us at LS first! usually its better to deal with what youve done on your own and reach a resolution before "confessing". i guess what im trying to say is that giving in to your guilt just to make yourself feel better is kinda selfish and sometimes not the best choice... best of luck and love to you!
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