aubree1982 Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 I did a very imature thing and looked through my kinda boyfriends text messages on his phone....yes I know it was wrong but I fully trusted him and did it anyway. (Guess I've been hurt in the past and this is how I've found out info on my ex's) Let me go back a year ago....I started dating him and we instantly fell in love although it was bad timming for both of us. We recently started seeing each other again but agreed to take it slow. So far we haven't put a label on what we are to each other although, last night he told me I meant alot to him and that we wouldn't break my heart. When he was taking a shower this morning I looked through his phone and read some pretty negative texts. One was from someone saying they thought some other girl was better looking than me and that with her at least he wouldn't have the baggage. His response was "yes she's (the other girl) is better looking, true no baggage." It's not news to me about either of these things. I may not be the best looking girl but I'm far from ugly and yes I do have baggage I have a child from a previous relationship. What hurts the most is that these comments came from him. There were other texts about how this other girl is looking better the more drunk he gets! At first, I thought "screw you, I'm never speaking to him again." But now that I've had time to think I'm not sure anymore. I was in the wrong for snooping in the first place but he also shouldn't have anything to hide. I sent him a text that said I snooped through his phone and I'm sorry and that I read some that really hurt my feelings...etc. He never responded and that was 6 hours ago. So I sent another one a sec ago that said I felt bad about what happened and I'd like to talk whenever he's ready. I just don't know if it's worth it for me to try to work things out with him or if I'm being a girl and overreacting. Also, I have no idea what he's thinking either especially since he hasn't responded. He could be pissed and embarassed by what I saw....who knows. I obvisously know I'm in the wrong here but it's he a little bit as well?
lemony fresh Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 I wouldn't have anything to do with that guy after he texted something like that about you. Something in your gut told you something was "off" with him, and your instincts lead you to look at his phone. You did nothing wrong. He didn't defend you to this other chick on his phone. A guy would not text those things about you if he loved you, he would defend you to the death or tell her to "f**k off" in reply to her text. By the way, a child is not baggage, it is more of a package you have to offer. Cheer up, you can do better than this jerk.
carrotgirl Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 aubree, I'm not a fan of snooping. If you felt you needed to snoop, at least be honest with yourself and say, no, for whatever reasons, you didn't trust the guy and also accept that when you go looking through someone else's private correspondence, you're bound to see something that will upset you. I can see how the snooping may not have served you. Maybe it's growing up with brothers and maybe it's having many good guy friends but I think what you missed in the text was the unwritten guy ending of the sentence. One was from someone saying they thought some other girl was better looking than me and that with her at least he wouldn't have the baggage. His response was "yes she's (the other girl) is better looking, true no baggage but this girl is the one I chose to be with. No, I don't think he's a little wrong here as well. Don't be surprised if he's pissed. You might want to work on an apology that doesn't sound like you're making excuses and practice it. Carrot
imbewildered Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 One was from someone saying they thought some other girl was better looking than me and that with her at least he wouldn't have the baggage. His response was "yes she's (the other girl) is better looking, true no baggage but this girl is the one I chose to be with. Carrot gets it. Your unprovoked snooping was way out of line -it has now tossed a handgrenade into your relationship which seemed to be going OK. Just having a "feeling" that something is "off" is an absurd justification for scrolling his phone. That in one of the lamest excuses I have ever heard.
LucreziaBorgia Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 We recently started seeing each other again but agreed to take it slow. So far we haven't put a label on what we are to each other For you this translates into something leading to commitment. For him it absolves him of it. It sounds like you really, really, really wanted to be back together and he simply caved in without being as on board with it as you are. You are right. He is right. I'm sure you do mean something to him, but unfortunately you are not right for each other it seems. Instead of trying to fix things, it might be a better option to just let them end. Eventually you'll find someone who brings you happiness without an trudging uphill battle to get there and you'll be really glad you freed yourself up for this new person.
Author aubree1982 Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 Actually, he was the one that mentioned us getting back together and I haven't felt like I've forced anything. He told me he was happy being single because he could go do whatever, whenever with his friends and I told him I wanted him to wait till he was fully ready to be with someone. Really within the last week have we become more serious with each other. I know he may think those things about me but has chosen to be with me anyway. I deserve to feel like crap and I honestly feel horrible about snooping. I just wish I could talk to him about it but he hasn't responded thus far and I don't want to continue to try to contact him. It's probably best to just go our separate ways but I honestly love him and would like to chance to at least talk things out.
porter218 Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 I am not categorically against snooping. But I do think you were doing it before you earned the right to. You aren't even his girlfriend yet. And I would have been a little hurt by those text messages but it isn't a deal breaker. There is always someone better looking, oh well. And you admit you do come with some baggage, but yet it didn't stop him from choosing you. This is far too early to be worried about comments like this, his feeling for you are only just starting to blossom.
Author aubree1982 Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 Thanks, porter218. I know the comments he made are not worth telling him to get lost. How do I make sure that he will want to continue a relationship with me? When I talk to him I want to make sure he knows how sorry and stupid I feel for doing it in the first place. Is a simple appology going to be enough? I've already expressed how sorry I was in a text and email...I just hope he believes me and can look past this.
Shygirl15 Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Thanks, porter218. I know the comments he made are not worth telling him to get lost. How do I make sure that he will want to continue a relationship with me? When I talk to him I want to make sure he knows how sorry and stupid I feel for doing it in the first place. Is a simple appology going to be enough? I've already expressed how sorry I was in a text and email...I just hope he believes me and can look past this. Oh, so now he's the one that's supposed to look past this and forgive you? I thought it was the other way around. And you're sorry? And stupid? Please. Snooping is bad, yes, but I think he also needs to explain about the text and this other girl. I don't know why you think you're at fault in this situation, if anything, you're BOTH at fault, his more serious. And stop apologizing too much, you've said it once already, should be enough. Don't make it easy for him, you need to ask him to explain about this other girl.
porter218 Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Thanks, porter218. I know the comments he made are not worth telling him to get lost. How do I make sure that he will want to continue a relationship with me? When I talk to him I want to make sure he knows how sorry and stupid I feel for doing it in the first place. Is a simple appology going to be enough? I've already expressed how sorry I was in a text and email...I just hope he believes me and can look past this. I would just write him an email, and sincerely apologize for overstepping your boundaries. You should explain to him that you are just getting scared because you are starting to really fall for him and your fear came out in an inappropriate way. Now you realize it was wrong and wouldn't have done if you had the chance to redo that day. Not a big deal, he will get over this soon. Just let him cool off. I was wondering though, a lot of people are thinking that this text was to some girl..was it? Or was it just to one of his buddies?
Shygirl15 Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 I was wondering though, a lot of people are thinking that this text was to some girl..was it? Or was it just to one of his buddies? Porter, I understood very well that it was one of his buddies texting, however another girl was mentioned in that text. Now, who is she, and why is she being compared to OP? Is he dating her too, or has some interest in her? That's what I think she needs to find out. With her endless apologies by emails and texts, the table will easily turn on her and she'll be the (only) one who did wrong.
lemony fresh Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 All I can say regarding this is if I was seeing a guy and one of my friends (male or female) texted me that another guy was better looking and didn't have baggage, I would text them back "f**k off". I'm not kidding. You don't agree or entertain rude comments like that when a "friend" disses your girlfriend/boyfriend. Has your boyfriend gotten back to you yet? I agree with Shygirl - stop apologizing. He is not off the hook.
Author aubree1982 Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 He did respond to my email this afternoon and he was very apologetic about his comments and that he really cares about me and should have never said them in the first place. I do believe that he is sorry. He did mention that he didn't feel it was right for me to look through his phone and questioned why I did it. He ended it with he's not sure what he wants to do as far as being with me or anyone else and that he needs time to think. He also said something to the effect of he completely understands if I don't want to speak to him again because if he knew someone said things like that about him he wouldn't want to talk to them either. My response to him was that I'm not really mad about the comments any longer that I'm more mad at myself for snooping. I told him I would give him the space to think and that I really hope we can talk about this and get past it. And yes, the texts were to a friend not to another girl.....I know him and think he needs time to cool down because he is upset at me but that no matter how much time I give him he's still going to tell me we just aren't going to work out. Maybe it's just me being negative but I don't want to sit around and hope for the best then get my hopes shot down. (it may not be the best outlook but that's how I'm feeling) I really don't think this whole thing is that big of a deal any longer and I wish I could go back and change it because I would have never looked at his phone. But on the other hand if I never looked at it one day he may have just said sorry but I've found someone else.....I guess I'm still upset and i'm afraid to loose someone that I care deeply for. I know I can't keep apologizing, I've said it a few times already and whenever I do actually speak to him again I will say it again because I want him to hear it from me and not read it in an email. I think he knows he was in the wrong as well. I want to be with someone who isn't questioning if he should be with me or not. Although, i get that in the begining of a relationship its normal to question if it will work out or not. Believe me, I've had my reservations too, only because i knew how hurt I was the last time and I didn't want to go through that again. I almost wonder if me telling him how scared I am of having my heart broken by him again has made him scared to want to be with me...like I've put to much pressure on him and maybe that's why he's questioning things.
D-Lish Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Hey, whether or not you snooped or not is totally a moot point now. I think that what you found is pretty distressing. I know I would be really upset about those comments. Regardless of whether or not you snooped, those comments are still super hurtful. I would never put up with those comments from a friend about my bf... I'd defend my boyfriend. I would find those comments to be a deal breaker for me. I could never ever look at my bf the same way if I discovered those texts. I think what you need to do is to find yourself a nice guy that truly knows he wants to be with you- that's what you deserve hun.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 First, you got what you deserved. Basically you did what no one should do... Peeped in on a private conversation. And like someone said, unless there was reason to snoop (i.e. your boyfriend all of a sudden started acting differently or was getting phone calls in the middle of the night and was rushing out so he could not be heard) and read some things you didn't like. News flash! Men and women talk bad about their partners ALL the time. You think you are perfect and that he does not have issues with you? Lets put it like this... If an girlfriend of mine did not have issues with something about me, I would hide all my money, my material wealth, etc. I would not trust her. And I know you definitely talked to friends and compared the good and bad of your boyfriend with friends. This IS NORMAL! And he is right if you have child to most that is baggage! I all the women I've dated I've considered hot. Some are more hotter than the others. And guess what, I have shared that with friends. But, if I am with that woman now, I am all about her. I am being true to her. It does not mean I love everything about her or that others don't come into my mind, that is the downfall of having multiple dating partners, you have someone else to be judged against. So, you got what you deserved. He had every right to be angry with you. It would be just like hounding a shrink for information your boyfriend said about you when he was just letting things off his chest. And while I understand your hurt, and yes you should feel hurt because it is expectant. I think you should sit down with him and talk about it. Find out what issues about you and the relationship that he is not happy with and if it is something fixable work on it. Don't be one of those bitter people who thinks a person is a jerk and not worth seeing because he or she does not see you or present you in 100% rose colored glasses. And he sounds like a nice guy. It did not sound like he said anything that was intentionally disrespectful. I mean a lot of guys would avoid you just because you do have a child or don't look a certain way. And maybe you should look at the timing of the letters... Maybe he was stressed at the time or you two might of been on not so stable ground. Sometimes things come out when we feel hurt or angry or stressed. Things we normally would not think about let alone say. DNR Only fools alone would let words determine their fate. And only fools will fool the advice of those who are bitter and lead by words alone.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I have to disagree with you on this, D & R. Some will agree. Some won't. But, I speak from things I've seen, read, come to know, and have had experience in (both good and bad). DNR
D-Lish Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I have to disagree with you on this, D & R. Yes, I second that disagreement. Just because she snooped doesn't mean she deserved to be hurt by what she discovered. His texts were disrespectful and demeaning- If my bf sais those things with regard to me, I'd be humiliated and deflated. He knew she had a child when he started dating her. If he saw that as being baggage, he shouldn't have taken up with her in the first place.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Yes, I second that disagreement. Just because she snooped doesn't mean she deserved to be hurt by what she discovered. His texts were disrespectful and demeaning- If my bf sais those things with regard to me, I'd be humiliated and deflated. HIS DANG GONE TEXT WAS PRIVATE! He should sue her butt to show how wrong she was and maybe knuckleheads will learn not to snoop. She did not say she was snooping because she had a feeling he was cheating. She did not say she was snooping because undercover trying to catch him in an suspected criminal act. She just thought it was okay to go snooping through his phone. And this is one of my many proverbs I go by... If you go looking sticking your hand down a toilet, don't be surprised if you pull up sugar honey ice tea. He knew she had a child when he started dating her. If he saw that as being baggage, he shouldn't have taken up with her in the first place. And you are the relationship police? Able to make a determination about a person and a relationship all on one side? He can do what ever he wants just like her. We don't know exactly what their relationship ground at the time of her snooping. For all we know she might of got mad at him because he would not let her see his messages. They might of had a argument about something petty and just like so many of us, say things to let off some steam (and you don't sound like the kind of woman who DOES NOT talk about her man when he does something wrong or stupid). So to judge him contrary to how she sees him with no proof other than a few not so rosy colored text messages to a friend that we may agree upon as bad, does not make him a villain. For all you snoopers out there here is a cool concept... Just like we avoid getting shocked by not touching exposed wires. Or we avoid getting hit by a car by following the road rules. Or we know to where oven mitts when taking something out of the stove. To avoid getting your feelings hurt, DON'T SNOOP! Then you won't have to look stupid when something come out that you didn't expect. Aubree, I think you have learned a valuable lesson. Look not everyone is going to say 100% nice things about you. Especially not a boyfriend or girlfriend. There is something we like about us and something we don't. Heck my best brother sometimes tells me about the bad things about his wife, but that is natural. We ALL have things about us that does not meet our partner's expectations and though they my not shad a good light on it and though it might hurt and embarrass us that we are not perfect in our lover's eyes... It does not mean they do not love us because they don't always say nice things about us. It does not mean they are some kind of monster because they are willing to air their negative feelings about us to others, we all do. And if we don't then maybe we should look at ourselves. Now is there a certain way it should and could be done. Obviously. But, lets face it, some people have tact and taste (like me) and some almost totally lack it (like my best brother), but you know what, I don't doubt his love and dedication to his wife. And you should not doubt his. So ignore the nay sayers and those who want to convince you that he is not worthy of you. Only you can determine that on your own. DNR
KinAZ Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Ouch! Snooping baaad! If my some of the guys I've dated knew some of the things I said in confidence about them, while still involved with them,... they'd probably be pretty pissed off too! And if I read what you read, I'd probably go through a range of emotions as well. I do think that it's good that you were honest about what you did, and I hope that this guy is mature enough to at least appreciate your honesty (and regret). While I don't like the comment about the other girl looking better the more he drinks, the two of you haven't cemented anything yet. But, considering you two were getting more serious, it would make me wonder how serious he was, unless he's a very sarcastic individual, like myself. I can't say what he will do, but I do hope everything works out well for you.
imbewildered Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Yes, I second that disagreement. Just because she snooped doesn't mean she deserved to be hurt by what she discovered. THis is the kind of distorted "logic" that seems to flow freely from 'The Sistas' whenever a woman posts here about a pothole she has fallen in through her own poor judgement or her foolish behaivior. The OP snooped without reason or just cause - she did it because she COULD and she read things that she did not like.. Well, hee haw ladies. If you go looking for dirt do not whine if you get dirty or messed up in the process. D-lish seems to believe that the OP 'should' not have to be in a position of hurt, distress or discomfort after she stepped over the line and entered into her B/f personal communications with someone else. SO the OP should be free to do whatever sneaking and snooping she likes, and no bad results should come of it because that would be unfair ? I am not a big fan of DrPhil, however his words ring in my ears here, " You choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. " True that.
elaina Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 THis is the kind of distorted "logic" that seems to flow freely from 'The Sistas' whenever a woman posts here about a pothole she has fallen in through her own poor judgement or her foolish behaivior. The OP snooped without reason or just cause - she did it because she COULD and she read things that she did not like.. Well, hee haw ladies. If you go looking for dirt do not whine if you get dirty or messed up in the process. D-lish seems to believe that the OP 'should' not have to be in a position of hurt, distress or discomfort after she stepped over the line and entered into her B/f personal communications with someone else. SO the OP should be free to do whatever sneaking and snooping she likes, and no bad results should come of it because that would be unfair ? I am not a big fan of DrPhil, however his words ring in my ears here, " You choose the behavior, you choose the consequences. " True that. Aubree, I think it's very admirable that you told him you read those messages. That took guts! Hopefully he will see that you are honest and that you care. I'm sorry about the pain you're feeling for all this...his texts and your feeling guilty in snooping. It is great though that you were brave enough to tell him... I just wish he had been a big enough man to respect that. I wish you the best! Peace
Author aubree1982 Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 Thanks, I think there are some very nice post that have encouraged me and made me feel better. But as for Dark-N-Romantic, isn't this site to tell the truth but also encourage people and help them through their struggles? I've already said it was wrong and do feel extremely bad and the title in your first post was "This is Funny"...well I don't get why you have to be so heartless to someone you've never met. I do understand that I may not always like or agree with advice people post but you said you have tack and apparently from that title it shows you may not have as much as you think. I guess I hadn't thought about it as at least I told the truth about it...I am a very honest person and I hope that he can at least see that. I get that he has a right to be mad at me and if you read my last post I said i'm more upset at myself than at the comments. I don't want to ditch him stricktly because he said some negative things about me to a friend, we all do it. I only hope he will be able to look past this and see the great thing we could have together. I wish I wasn't so heartbroken over this......heartbroken because I think my snooping will lead to the end of something I thought had great potential. I've gone through worse relationship problems and don't know why I'm so torn up about this?? I guess it's because when he asked me about getting back together it was like a dream come true...and I wanted to do everything right so that we worked out guess. Pretty sure I screwed all that up!
Shygirl15 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Some posts are really bitter they make you wonder..
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 Thanks, I think there are some very nice post that have encouraged me and made me feel better. But as for Dark-N-Romantic, isn't this site to tell the truth but also encourage people and help them through their struggles? I've already said it was wrong and do feel extremely bad and the title in your first post was "This is Funny"...well I don't get why you have to be so heartless to someone you've never met. I do understand that I may not always like or agree with advice people post but you said you have tack and apparently from that title it shows you may not have as much as you think. Heartless would mean I did not care or have any feelings. Obviously I do or I would not said what I said. Tact does not mean kissing booboos and making it feel better ALL the time. Sometimes people need to be told straight forward with no uncertain terms. Plus I was more addressing those who tried to making your boyfriend look like he was the main bad guy and you should dump him. Lastly, I don't write sometimes to one person, but too all who read and who might be facing a situation like yours and before they do it, have to see and understand the possible results. Actually I am always commended on my tact and my ability to call a spade a spade and not sugar coat things. So, your right, maybe in this instance I did not show the tact you thought I should have. But, I don't think tact was necessary here. I guess I hadn't thought about it as at least I told the truth about it...I am a very honest person and I hope that he can at least see that. I get that he has a right to be mad at me and if you read my last post I said i'm more upset at myself than at the comments. I don't want to ditch him stricktly because he said some negative things about me to a friend, we all do it. I only hope he will be able to look past this and see the great thing we could have together. I wish I wasn't so heartbroken over this......heartbroken because I think my snooping will lead to the end of something I thought had great potential. I've gone through worse relationship problems and don't know why I'm so torn up about this?? I guess it's because when he asked me about getting back together it was like a dream come true...and I wanted to do everything right so that we worked out guess. Pretty sure I screwed all that up! At least you were truthful and honest and did no seem like so many who want to switch the blame or downplay their involvement in a situation. It is a trait that more people need to pick up on. There is a lot of things that you were commended on. Now take or skip what you will but, my advice and words stand. You keep up the faith and stay strong. You seem like a smart and wise woman. Good luck. DNR And yes, I have little sympathy for those who step in the obvious bear traps.
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