wino Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Hello all, long time lurker first time poster. My story is like many others… I had quickly moved into a close friendship with a girl at work back in November of ’06. She had moved from out of town and right away I was in tune that she was feeling down some days. My intuition was correct, it was the BF back home (soon to be EX) that had her feeling this way. I would often share advice with her and it seemed to help. She appeared to be happy on a daily basis. A few weeks later I realized it wasn’t my advice as I noticed a closeness between her and another coworker. I asked about my observation and she confided in me that she had begun to date this coworker and they were keeping it on the down-low as this was a work environment and he was in management. I enquired about the BF back home and she didn’t have to say a word, I knew she had jumped ship, and the poor guy didn’t even know. I wrote her a letter about leapfrogging, rebounding, and taking time for yourself in between relationships. She thanked me for the note and days later did the right thing with the guy back home Her new relationship with our coworker however moved quickly. Within a month they were living together. Our friendship grew too as we enjoyed each other’s company, were open and honest, shared many similar interests, made each other smile, and could talk for hours. I’m sure you all can see where this is going… I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t attracted to her. She is beautiful yes, but there’s the work thing and also an age gap of fourteen years between us. I had written off perusing anything romantic with her in the first few weeks of meeting her because of this. Fast forward to April ’07… We all get laid-off, there’s a breakup with her and the coworker (she’s the dumper) and he swiftly moves out of state for employment. Her and I spent most of our idle time together. There’s an obvious attraction between us and with the work hurdle out of the way I begin to ponder the idea of something more. I remind myself of the age gap and more importantly how she handled her breakup with the guy before the coworker. I should practice what I preach, give her time and not confuse her with anything romantic as I feel there is still lose ends with her recent EX. In June we cross the line, some kissing and heavy petting. The next morning she shows up at my house and I’m so fearful she has remorse and is angry about the previous evening’s events I begin to apologize profusely. This was not the case, she held no ill will, and was into it. I think she became frightened by the fact I felt I needed to apologize and followed my lead. I had expressed concern with ruining our friendship, the age gap, and the short time since her last breakup. We agreed due to the connection we already had if we were to go down this road in the future that we would discuss it in detail. It happened two more times without any discussion in the following week or two. July fourth ‘07 we are amongst friends, watching the fireworks, having a grand time. When the festivities came to an end I accompanied her on the walk home. We decide before parting ways to grab some desert at the grocery store. There, in the freezer isle, she professes her love for me. I was blown-away. I had felt the same but was to chicken to say it. At home, during desert, a long talk ensues. She tells me of her attraction to me from the first time we met. She explains our age gap is of no worry to her, felt that she never had a chance with me, and also felt that I was not interested in anything like that with her. Needless to say we had our own fireworks that night. For the next five months we moved along swimmingly, never an augment, always happy, and we began making future plans. Our bond was like nothing I had ever experienced before. That is, until the middle of November, when the EX moves back to town. She becomes hot and cold with me in the next week, appears confused, and isn’t as open as she once was. It becomes obvious he is constantly calling and texting her. I feel uneasy during this time. She sends me a letter, it’s a heartfelt apology about the way she’s been acting and how it made me feel. We have a long talk that evening and she gives details about their contact during the past week. It’s explained that he won’t leave her alone and tries to “guilt her into getting back together.” Also discovered she never tells him we are dating as she is “frightened how he might react.” We get past, what I believe is just a snag and things appear to return to normal, if only for a short time. Over the following months we have some ups and downs. In December I enquire about her contact with the Ex and I’m told there is none. My gut says lie as her phone habits have changed drastically, not answering calls, silenced ringer, and an increase in text messages. My gut is correct, she has been in constant contact since his return I later find out. I should have dumped her…. There is a frequency of canceled plans and it’s taking longer for her to return calls and texts. I sense some half-truths and deception on a few occasions. I should have dumped her… On an afternoon in February I ask her to join me for dinner, kind of a joke since we have dinner and spend nearly every night together. The response I receive blows me away. She’s going to a concert with the EX, but it’s “not a date.” It’s explained to me she agreed to go with him months ago just to get him off her back. Fishy methinks. The next day I lay it all on the line.I explain my boundaries in this relationship and how I believe she has gone outside of them just one too many times. I tell her that the communication must change. Things such as this cannot happen as they send a message that she’s hiding something that I believe is much deeper. We speak of her ability, or lack of, to tell the truth. I ask her to come clean. She reveals some secrets that have me dizzy for days but you know what, I’m also relieved. I end up not angry, I look at this as a good thing, a new beginning. It tells me that she IS committed and will no longer jeopardize our relationship. Oh man, am I naïve. I should have dumped her… In March she becomes distant, not physically but mentally she’s miles away. One night she’s very cold with me, I go to touch her arm and I’m told, “I hope you don’t think that’s going to make everything alright.” I ask of what’s wrong, she gets angry, she tries to give me a hug, totally hot and cold. I tell her she needs to figure something out as the way she’s been acting is making me feel crazy. I ask her to leave. About ten minutes later she returns and is leaving me she says. The reason makes no sense. I should have dumped her... A few days later I collect my thoughts and we agree to meet. Unfortunately it turns ugly as I knew she was again not being honest with me. There is NC for the next week until she shows up at my place one afternoon. I’m out the door to run errands and ask here to accompany me. Awesome day, it’s just like old times. We return home and there[/COLOR]’s an emptiness about her. I ask what’s up and she tells. She gives details how she‘s handled everything between us and feels it has been wrong. I feel good hearing this, my heart resumes a normal beat… if only for a moment. She apologizes and it’s so refreshing to hear. She says that her reasons for ending it are unreasonable, they were problems we could have worked through, it was all a mistake, I’m missed deeply, and she wants us to try again. I agree without question and I’m such a fool… All goes well into April. We are excited about the coming summer. We talk of all the activities we will try to accomplish. We start to plan a trip in June. JUNE!!! We spend much of our time together and there are no disagreements. I’m however puzzled that she’s never open about our past problems and therefore we can’t really work on any of them. I also find it odd that she seems uncomfortable talking about her living situation as her lease will be up in just over a month and she must move. Oh well, blinded by love I guess and I just go with the flow. The end of April brings, the end. She’s at my place one evening and I’m talking to her from another room and there’s no replying to anything I’m saying. I go to her and continue talking, still nothing. It’s like she’s not even there. I raise my voice and say, hello is anyone home? Now she is mad at me and I have just entered the bazaaro world. She’s off to another room and begins crying. I try to comfort her and she wants no part of it. I explain how her actions of no acknowledgment of my presence and earlier in the evening, not looking at me or looking away when she did speak, makes me feel. It appeared to me she was hiding or hiding something? I ask if this was the case and there’s no comment and she quickly leaves. Next day I contact her and she tells me she doesn’t want to talk. The following day she comes over to my house and dumps me again. The reasons, oddly enough, make no sense this time as well. My gut tells me the EX is involved. I enquire and am told there is nothing going on between them. I didn’t beg, plead, chase, or any of that. I just let her go on her marry way. Don’t get me wrong, I missed her deeply. I was hurting and very upset, still am. There was NC for the next 8-9 days. During those days I noticed some oddities, her EX driving by my house frequently was one. Then early one morning I receive a phone call from my Brother, he’s just dropped our Father off at the hospital. While on the phone with my Bro I see her drive by, heading towards her home, an hour before she usually leaves for work. Hmmm? The next morning my radar is in full swing and sure enough there she goes again. See, one has to pass my house going from the EX’s to her place. Now loaded with my observations and having to leave town to be with my Father the next morning, I decide to break NC and get some answers. I call her that night and ask to meet up. She’s adamant about not going over things we already have discussed, like the EX. I tell her she’s dreaming, I’ve seen some things, and the topic of the EX will come up. She comes over shortly after. I inform her of my father, engage in some small talk, and thank her for finding the time to talk. I again ask of her EX, She denies anything is going on. I reveal what I have seen with her traffic pattern in the morning. She then discloses she got back together with him the day after our split. UN-F-ING believable!!! I tell her I’m no doctor, but girl, you’ve got a problem. Obvious isn’t it? I ask her why?... why lie when I asked? Why hide this from me? No direct answer just a reason. Are you ready for this one? She had agreed, “Maybe two months ago” to go on a trip with him for a month. I lost my S**t and probably said some not so nice things. I was crying like a little school girl. I apologized to her… apologized for not realizing the truth sooner and by making her life difficult for forcing her to lie to me. Told her I was sorry I let her hurt me so much when I didn’t deserve it and then told her to leave. Goodbye! On her way out, in a snotty tone she says, “Great way to end the night.” My reply was, "Great way to end a friendship, get some help.” The next morning I wake-up so angry it hurts. I’m a total wreck. So many negative emotions flow through me. I drive for the next five hours and I don’t remember any of it as I’m in such deep thought going over every detail of the past few months. I arrive at the hospital and get the download from my brother about Dad. It’s not good. I shift gears and begin to deal with doctors, nurses, and family. My father’s misfortune turns out to be my blessing. I don’t have the time to think or dwell on what has just happened in my life. And why should I, my father’s event put things into prospective. BTW, Dad’s OK. A week later I find myself back home and all the emotions come back to haunt me. The bastards in my head won’t leave me alone for a second. It’s now been two weeks of NC and I get a feeling she’s going to make some as she leaves for her trip in a few days. Sure enough, she drops by the next day. She wants to be friends… Isn’t that sweet? Although I never hear an apology she does say she wishes she never hurt me, never lied to me, never broke my trust in her, or never made me feel like I was crazy. She would not answer any of my questions. I gave her my thoughts on friendship, basically that no friend would do what she had done to me and I didn’t know if a friendship was even possible. It has been weeks without any contact. I know she returned from her trip 15 days ago and not a word. I was doing much better until this morning. It’s July 4th and it was a year ago today we admitted our love for one another. All the feelings came back and they made me very sad. I left the house and when I returned an hour later six missed calls and a voice mail from her. The message was short, “Just wanted to say hi and I need to talk to you.” In autopilot, I phoned back. I was asked if she could come by, I agreed. It was apparent that there was no NEED to speak to me. It was all small talk and I’m sure I came across rather curt. The visit was short with her saying, “you don’t look to happy with me being here, if you ever want to hang-out give me a call.” I told her “I don’t want to hang out… ever.” And she was gone. I went into a funk and began to regret what I had just said. I sent a text saying, “U R right I’m a bit off today. Have been down since I woke up, see it’s the 4th o July and a year ago something special happened in the freezer isle. Just has me down today. Then 2 hear from ya and see ya, a bit much. I shouldn’t have said ever to hang out, instead just not now." She replied back with, “Ya I remembered. Just thought I’d talk to you since I’m back. Guess I picked the wrong day.” This has ruined my Fourth, I can’t seem to snap out of it. I have plans to hang with friends and watch the fireworks. I don’t even want to go now as I know she will be there with the BF. It took everything to hold back the tears today and if I see them tonight I know I’ll just lose it. Why did she pick today to make contact? Is she f-ing with me? Is she playing games? Did she do this with malice?
CaliGuy Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 Well I read the whole thing, which usually when they are this long I don't -- and I am getting ready to go out. But before I leave let me lay some tidbits for you on the table. #1: She has a problem with relationships. That's obvious in how she handles things. #2: She never emotionally separated from her ex. You were a port in the storm for her. You were the guy that helps her get her sh*t together so she can get back with her ex. You may have nutured her back to health so to speak, but not in a way that creates romance and romantic feels from women. #3: Never cry in front of a woman that is not your wife. Period. #4: Every time you said "I should have dumped her" you should have. #5: She's a proverbial liar and as such doesn't deserve any of your time. There are tons of women out there. Why this one? Because she's attractive? Yes on the outside maybe but inside she's as ugly as they get. I'm talking FUGLY as heck. She's almost exactly like my ex. Drop dead gorgeous on the outside, butt ugly on the inside. Can't talk, avoids any uncomfortable discussions, doesn't want to face up to her own mistakes -- yadda, yadda, yadda. For your own good, mate, you really need to get her out of your mind. I know, easy to say -- hard to do. What are your choices here? Pine for someone who doesn't want to be with you (seriously) or pick yourself up by the bootstraps and get busy with other things in your life that will bring you pleasure that doesn't include her? I'd say the latter of the two if I were you. The only thing else I can say is this. The more time you WASTE of your life pining over this woman, the longer it's going to take for you to meet Ms. Right. Read back over your post. I am sure you can think of many many reasons why this woman is no good for you (or anyone else for that matter). Even if you were to get back together with her, there's too much baggage and dead weight for it to work. You can't trust her, she can't open up. What foundation is there for a great relationship? None. Zero. Nada. Zip. Zilch. Pick up the pieces of your life, stick to NC and move on. It's really the best option for you. Like medicine in many ways, it will taste bad but it's oh so good for you. Trust me on that one. Cheers.
Independence_Day Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 I am going to be bluntly honest in my opinion here. I hope no one minds. I agree with you, CaliGuy, the girl has serious issues. Now for my opinion: I think she is a manipulative B****. I don't know her, but that's what I saw when I read the original post. She was using you. Please find someone who deserves the good person that you are. And, yes, "Every time you said 'I should have dumped her' you should have."
iwish Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 I too agree with Cali guy, I could've dumped my ex many times during our relationship. She did the whole concert thing with an ex (and lied to me about it). We both should have dumped them but we didn't as love is blind. Now my story is longer than yours and i'm still here recovering. I'm back to day one of NC!. I wish i'd stuck with it ages ago. I could be healed by now. But i didn't. We both need to stop pining for them and try to move on without them. It's hard i know but trust me maintaining contact just draws out the inevitable and makes you suffer more.
Author wino Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 CaliGuy –Thanks for taking the time to read the post. I nibbled on the tidbits left for me #1: You’re spot-on mate. Not only does she have a problem with relationships, she’s got a problem. Seriously. #2: I think you’re correct in saying she was never emotionally detached from the EX., whether it was positive or negative that’s still and emotional connection. The port in the storm? I don’t know, I think she set her sights on my marina and it was smooth sailing all the way in. The EX was obsessed with her he’d take her back if she had her sh*t together or not. #3: Check. Is there a theory behind this advice? #4: So true, but I was only able to see the writing on the wall in the very end. #5: True that! I have been asking myself this question over and over. How can something so beautiful on the outside be so ugly on the inside? ID - manipulative B***h and a selfish c**t too. She totally used me. I was just the safety-net in the last few months so she could get back with him on her terms. It was her way, or the highway for him and there I was, not knowing any of this was going on. Iwish – Yep, that’s the hard part… getting them out of your head. It’s so weird how the thought of them show up around every corner. The mornings are the worst. BTW all I never ran into them last night but the bastards in my head prevented me from getting into the swing of things. Good morning tho, spent a few hours on the water. Thanks for the feedback guys.
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