Can a girl's close relationship with father affect her dating?

[Rakasa]

I have been seeing a 28-year old woman (I'm 34) for a few months and I really care for her. She says I have all of the qualities she looks for in a guy but something is blocking her, but she doesn't know what. She has had previous trouble maintaining relationships for more than a short time.

 

Also, she almost always avoids physical intimacy with me despite her obvious attraction for me (laughter, flirting, touching, etc).

 

She is very close to her father, they talk every day, and she says she completely adores her father. She constantly relies on him for advice and support. I have never met the father as he lives far away.

 

My theory is that she doesn't want or is afraid of developing a close relationship with another man because it will have to replace or reduce her closeness with her father. That is why she doesn't maintain relationships for long and why she avoids physical intimacy (to prevent a stronger emotional bond from forming with a guy).

 

The ironic thing is that I think I remind her of her father from some of the comments she makes about me (I'm calm, patient, I listen to her, offer her thoughtful advice when she asks, etc).

 

Does anybody have any opinion? I care about her but I am frustrated and about to give up.

[JoeNewbie]

I think that people are "very close" to their parents because they cannot trust strangers from one reason or another. Oftentimes this is cause by a total lack of self esteem.

 

Feelings aren't rational but personally I wouldn't trust someone who cannot trust me.

[Jilly Bean]

Im very close with both of my folks, and a TOTAL Daddy's girl. I talk to them every day, and am always asking advice and discussing things with my Dad.

 

That doesnt stop me from having relationships or having sex, though.

 

Her issues have nothing to do with her Dad. They are her own problems...

[Hyperpen12000]

Im very close with both of my folks, and a TOTAL Daddy's girl. I talk to them every day, and am always asking advice and discussing things with my Dad.

 

That doesnt stop me from having relationships or having sex, though.

 

Her issues have nothing to do with her Dad. They are her own problems...

 

 

 

Maybe her issues do have something to do with her Dad... Everyone's different. I think he'll never know until he asks her.

 

Rasaka, you need to ask her everything you just told us (In a discreet and amicable way). If you can't be that open with her then she's not the one for you.

[Trialbyfire]

I have been seeing a 28-year old woman (I'm 34) for a few months and I really care for her. She says I have all of the qualities she looks for in a guy but something is blocking her, but she doesn't know what. She has had previous trouble maintaining relationships for more than a short time.

 

Also, she almost always avoids physical intimacy with me despite her obvious attraction for me (laughter, flirting, touching, etc).

 

She is very close to her father, they talk every day, and she says she completely adores her father. She constantly relies on him for advice and support. I have never met the father as he lives far away.

 

My theory is that she doesn't want or is afraid of developing a close relationship with another man because it will have to replace or reduce her closeness with her father. That is why she doesn't maintain relationships for long and why she avoids physical intimacy (to prevent a stronger emotional bond from forming with a guy).

 

The ironic thing is that I think I remind her of her father from some of the comments she makes about me (I'm calm, patient, I listen to her, offer her thoughtful advice when she asks, etc).

 

Does anybody have any opinion? I care about her but I am frustrated and about to give up.

I think it odd when someone is that close to their parents that they're in touch daily. It's like they've never cut the apron strings. Keep your eyes open.

 

Beyond the daily contact issue, if she reveres her father, perhaps she's looking for an identical dynamic and doesn't realize it. If this is the case, no man can meet her bar.

[Lizzie60]

Wow this is a tough one... I doubt very much that it has anything to do with her father..

 

If she has a 'healthy' relationship with her dad.. then she should be more than ready to have a 'healthy' relationship...

 

I find this strange.. maybe you think that she's into you..but deep down, she's not THAT into you...

 

Hard to say.

[Hyperpen12000]

I think it odd when someone is that close to their parents that they're in touch daily. It's like they've never cut the apron strings. Keep your eyes open.

 

I don't think that's odd

[Jilly Bean]

I don't think that's odd

 

I don't either. Guess TBF is not Italian...

[imbewildered]

The ironic thing is that I think I remind her of her father from some of the comments she makes about me (I'm calm, patient, I listen to her, offer her thoughtful advice when she asks, etc).

 

 

 

How do you think you are going to excite her, stimulate her and e attract her sexually when you act/remind her of dear ole' Dad.

You need to be the OPPOSITE . She has one Daddy already. Why would she want more of what she already has an abundance of ?

Daddy is calm and patient - so you be exciteable and impatient - let that side of you run free.

Daddy is her rock - you need to be the guy who gets her HOT, and you are not doing that, I know because your post says that she LIKES you enough to hangout with you but she is not 'feeling it' for you.

Women want a rollercoaster of emotions (They will say different but ignore that )

Be Mr Excitement. not Mr Stability .

[bones1]

I have a similar situation going on, and I know exactly what you mean.

 

The girl I am seeing is Daddy's princess. She is an only child, and often times I find it to be quite strange. They vacation together, go out on weekends to dinner, he supports her, etc.

 

When he found out I was dating her, all of a sudden he almost became possessive. He always had something to fix at her home at 7am to make sure she wasn't spending the night with me.

 

In my opinion, even though she is 32, it seems as if her Dad wants to make sure she is always single. He is old, lonely, and doesn't have anyone else.

 

The girl also points out similar mannerisms I have with her father.

 

I really don't know what to make of it. She also had a similar pattern of short relationships. I personally think it is abnormal to have your parent so much in your life at an advanced age.

[Rakasa]

Hey Bones, sorry to hear you are in the same situation, as it is frustrating I know. My girl is also an only child and the father is divorced and single without much else going on to distract him from his daughter.

 

Does she have problems with physical intimacy? Mine usually says she is not interested in being touched, which I find so strange for a woman her age in a relationship. I try to be patient and understanding but at some point it becomes unreasonable.

 

How interested is she in a relationship with you? Mine loves to hang out for hours and share some laughs but can't be bothered with anything more serious.

 

Her past relationships have usually been with younger, submissive guys that don't have any long-term potential (i.e. not a threat to the father's dominance).

 

I should probably just move on but this girl has real potential if she can open up and distance herself from her father a bit.

[bones1]

Well there is nothing wrong in the sex department, and she wants a serious relationship, although she seems insecure, as if I am always going to leave her and find someone else.

 

The problem I have with her is that her father has ALWAYS given her everything, which seems to make her spoiled. Sometimes that is hard to compete with. I mean he got her a maid, an expensive home, a new car, and she never had to work. She went to law school, but never pursued a career. So, I feel in a way her father ruined her life by trying to help so much. It is hard for any man to live up to that, and she has no reason to ever work for anything.

 

Secondly, it is obvious that he is very jealous, and when I met him it was very brief. Like I am stealing his best friend.

 

Thirdly, through his money he controls her life. She has to do what he says, and at this point since she never worked, it is hard to start. Her perceptions are much different from the average person.

 

She wants to break away, but also feels bad for him. Sometimes he is mean and verbally abusive to her, and this also affects her greatly.

 

I wouldn't read into her habits too much and try to be a psychologist. Just be patient and perhaps she will open up more. Tell her you find it strange and see what she says.

 

I like to be the man in a woman's life, and not have her father control the relationship, or her life. So at times it is difficult.

[Lizzie60]

Hey Bones, sorry to hear you are in the same situation, as it is frustrating I know. My girl is also an only child and the father is divorced and single without much else going on to distract him from his daughter.

 

Does she have problems with physical intimacy? Mine usually says she is not interested in being touched, which I find so strange for a woman her age in a relationship. I try to be patient and understanding but at some point it becomes unreasonable.

 

How interested is she in a relationship with you? Mine loves to hang out for hours and share some laughs but can't be bothered with anything more serious.

 

Her past relationships have usually been with younger, submissive guys that don't have any long-term potential (i.e. not a threat to the father's dominance).

 

I should probably just move on but this girl has real potential if she can open up and distance herself from her father a bit.

 

The more I read the more I think that she only loves you as a 'friend'... she is just NOT that into you.. simple. You are friendship material not 'lover' material in her eyes... IMO

[daphne]

Thirdly, through his money he controls her life. She has to do what he says, and at this point since she never worked, it is hard to start. Her perceptions are much different from the average person.

 

She wants to break away, but also feels bad for him. Sometimes he is mean and verbally abusive to her, and this also affects her greatly.

 

My dad was very controlling. I was definitely a daddy's girl but I cut the chord, finally, after 36 years. He was also highly verbally abusive to maintain control.

 

I don't think that being a daddy's girl is necessarily unhealthy. It depends on the nature of the relationship and how coddled the girl is. I don't think rakasa's girl's not wanting to be touched is even related. I just don't think she's that interested.

[bones1]

Daphne, how did it affect your love relationships? Did it at all?

 

Did men you date seem to be irritated?

[daphne]

bones,

 

I'm sure a couple of the guys weren't terribly happy since my father was very controlling and influenced me more so than they could. Also, whenever I had a major fight with ex husband or ex fiancé, I called my dad and they were pretty worried of what he might tell me. They were right to do so, since he basically pulled the plug on two of my relationships. Very good decisions tho, btw.

 

He has always been highly critical of all men in my life that I cared about. He never felt any of them were good enough, except one. However, it turned out he was right so I can't really fault him. I simply don't allow him into my relationship life anymore.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

A few warning signs...

 

1) Your dad gives your boyfriends pointers how to have sex with you.

2) You are not living under your dads roof and are still rushing home because you have a 1 am curfew.

3) Your dad comes on every date with you... At the age 18 and above.

4) Your dad has a ring and a shotgun sitting by his side after your first date.

5) You have a 100 feet of chain attached to a shackle which is attached to your leg.

6) You call your dad every 30 minutes during a date.

7) Your dad mysteriously appears at the same restaurant and your date is at. And then at the movie theater. And then, at the park. And then at the...

8) There is a "Beware of Dad" sticker on your forehead.

9) You can't stop saying "My dad won't approve of this." and your just holding hands.

10) You have a strange feeling your being followed... Your not actually being followed, dad just has the Pentagon training a satellite on his "Little Pumpkin."

 

Yes RoboChristian does have a sense of humor.

 

 

DNR

[imbewildered]

 

So, I feel in a way her father ruined her life by trying to help so much. It is hard for any man to live up to that, and she has no reason to ever work for anything.

 

.

 

Disturbed and possessive parents like your G/fs father understand this principle very well, " Helping is the sunny side of control."

 

Good luck with "the princess" - you will prbably make the mistake of trying to 'compete' with Dear 'ole Dad.

Big mistake. This is HIS game. He designed it and he runs it on his money and his rules. He has been playing long before you came along.

He is the old bull with all the smarts, and you are the young 'un full of adrenline and little experience.

NEVER play a game with a more experienced player on their turf and on their terms. You will lose EVERY time. DO you OWN thing with her and ignore Dad.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I have been seeing a 28-year old woman (I'm 34) for a few months and I really care for her. She says I have all of the qualities she looks for in a guy but something is blocking her, but she doesn't know what. She has had previous trouble maintaining relationships for more than a short time.

 

This issue may not be because of her father. She might have issues with guys she may have dated like you and either was dumped or she dumped them because she feels they are too true to be good.

 

Also, she almost always avoids physical intimacy with me despite her obvious attraction for me (laughter, flirting, touching, etc).

 

What is her belief about physical intimacy now? She might have decided to wait until she is married or a serious commitment is made (and a few months may not be long enough for her). There are plenty of men and women who are going through what we call our second virgin hood. We promise not to engage in sex until we are married.

 

She is very close to her father, they talk every day, and she says she completely adores her father. She constantly relies on him for advice and support. I have never met the father as he lives far away.

 

Some people are just that close. I know I talk to my mom and aunty about any woman I am serious with and only one woman earned the privilege for that. And yes I adore my mother and my aunty. Now what do how deep is her reliance? I mean there are still somethings I seek wisdom on from my elders and my mom is currently supporting me with housing and food while I look for a new job... So what level of support and advice does he give her? And you know what, if I were a father, I would pray my daughter would come to me for advice, especially about the men in her life. And lastly, maybe you need to find a time to meet him. And have you interacted with him at all? Even my lost love interest phoned my mother and aunty and they phoned her... She lives in New Zealand.

 

My theory is that she doesn't want or is afraid of developing a close relationship with another man because it will have to replace or reduce her closeness with her father. That is why she doesn't maintain relationships for long and why she avoids physical intimacy (to prevent a stronger emotional bond from forming with a guy).

 

That may or may not be the case. You may be misplacing her feelings because you may not know the FULL story or emotions (despite how much she tells you she has or you think you know). And a lot of people don't want to have sex, especially if they are recovering from sex/relationship issues, or think you might be the one and want to make it special for you. And if she is the type that is either saving herself for marriage or working on her second virginhood. You either are going to have to respect that or move on.

 

The ironic thing is that I think I remind her of her father from some of the comments she makes about me (I'm calm, patient, I listen to her, offer her thoughtful advice when she asks, etc).

 

We all in ways marry an aspect and/or represent an aspect of our parents. Especially women who have great dads, most of their husbands to be a LOT like their dads. This is not a bad thing because of what the word father is suppose to engender.

 

Does anybody have any opinion? I care about her but I am frustrated and about to give up.

 

If your not comfortable with being compared to her father... Let her go.

If your not willing to find out her plans about physical intimacy and work with her on it (meaning she is waiting for a more committed relationship even if it means marriage)... Let her go.

If she is one of those women who can't make ANY kind of decision on her own or it is obvious she is looking for someone to baby her like her dad... Let her go.

So far you haven't said anything that is really bad she has done. You would definitely have to explain more into this advice and support thing. And don't start diagnosing her problems until you are able to see the other issues surrounding these things that concern you or you think she might have.

 

 

DNR

[bones1]

"Helping is the sunny side of control" seems to sum it all up perfectly.

 

Her father was pretty much absent during her adolescent years, and then we she was about 17 he started to give her everything.

 

However,he gives her the basics. A car, a maid, and a nice home. Money for food, and that is it. So, she has had the same clothes she hates for years, has no money to spend on herself etc. She has to count every penny, eat very cheaply everyday of her life etc. When she talked about working, he then talked about selling her home.

 

She has no work experience. No confidence. Does not know what it feels like to earn money. She has never cooked or cleaned, so cannot do either of those. He is 74 and single, so is as if he wants to make sure she is there to vacation with him at anytime, go out with him anytime etc.

 

In the end, she will probably never have to work in her life.

 

For as pretty as she is, and as much as she wants a relationship, it seems almost impossible for most people to date someone like that. She is a combination of rich, but broke, spoiled, with no skills, and depressed all rolled into one.

 

I can't compete with him, you are right. But does a girl like that ever form a work ethic, learn how to be a team player, learn how to give, or appreciate things she is given? Or does it take some momumental thing to occur in her life in which she has no choice?

[Rakasa]

Well you live and learn, after the last few days I finally know what was happening. Had nothing to do with the father (men, try not to rationalize when a girl is not that into you). Seems that after a specific triggering event in April (a concert we attended that brought back memories of her home country) she started talking to her ex a couple months ago (he lives in her home country 2 hours flying) and was rediscovering her feelings for him over this period. This corresponds exactly to when she started pushing me away.

 

Even though they had broken up 2x in the past (last time about 10 months ago after a 2-month effort on a LDR), she started to believe again that this guy was an option for her future, even though they live far apart and neither wants to move to the other city (and even though she told me often that he was lacking certain important things that she wanted in a guy).

 

A week ago he called her and said "No go", he couldn't sustain this new "long-distance talking" any more because of having broke up 2x in the past (1st time she left him for a new job in another country), that he didn't trust her again with his heart, and because of the distance problem. The next day she flew to their home country to ask him to take her back and he said no. Now she is devastated and heartbroken.

 

The sad thing is so am I, because I have fallen in love with her the last few months talking to her every day and seeing her 2-3 days a week. She just does something to me. But I had no idea she was still in love with her ex and I am angry she was not honest with me (she says she didn't know she was in love until she saw him in person last weekend when he said no).

 

I know intuitively now that I need to back off in a major way and give both of us space. She is not going to be over this guy again (and hopefully final time) for weeks or months. Any pressure from me would be very bad. Also I need to move on too because I can't wait hoping she will come around to me.

 

But I am wondering if I have any chance for the future. I really love this girl and care so much about her. The first two months we were dating were wonderful and we were getting closer and closer. Yesterday she told me when we became close like that, she started to shut me off because she was not over this guy and didn't want to let anybody else into her most intimate mental spaces because it was reserved for him.

 

Before all these things happened, she told me she thinks I am a great person and that I have everything she wants in a man, but something was holding her back. That something was her ex. If he is finally out of her heart once and for all, then maybe in a few months nothing might be holding her back from coming to me.

 

I WILL be looking around for other dating options in the next few weeks as I leave her alone but in the back of my mind I will be thinking of her.

 

Any advice? Am I being stupid?

 

Should I completely disappear or should I see her every couple weeks to see how she is doing and keep me on her mind?

[bones1]

Well if she loves you, you have no need to keep popping up, and I would try to move on as you are.

 

She lost contact with her ex, and went back to him months later because she loved him. Or she thought she did. So, I am guessing it would be the same for you.

 

It doesn't make sense to me, as I never dumped a girl I liked to go back to an ex.