nykal Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 My boyfriend cheated on me once, about a year ago (with my then-best friend). It was mostly emotional cheating, but we worked through it and ever since, our relationship has been strong. He hadn't talked to the other girl for a year since it happened, until recently when she contacted him and asked if they could meet up to talk. My boyfriend asked for my permission to talk to her again, and of course I couldn't say no. As far as I know, they never met up, but they have been talking lately and are now back on very good speaking terms. I trust him completely and know that he won't do anything to hurt me (believe me, he's put up with my constant worries about it), but it bothers me so much that they're talking again. He says all he wants is for me to be happy and that he'll stop talking to her if that's what will make me happy, but I'm pretty sure he does want to keep talking to her. How do I get over this? I don't want this to tear me up inside, so how do I be okay with them talking?? So far, I think they've just been reminiscing about old times... I think this bothers me because they've never had an actual relationship so it's not technically his ex. I'm scared that he's always going to wonder about "what could have been" and wonder if it would've been better with the other girl. I know I'm being slightly unreasonable, since if he was going to do anything with that other girl, it would've happened long before. I'm usually not a jealous person, it's just this one girl... Help, please =(
confused and broken Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I would be upset too... It's a natural feeling considering what they did to you... I would be questioning why he feels the need to be close friends with her all of a sudden I can't tell you how to get over a natural feeling... tell him the truth that it is bothering because of their history and you want to be okay with it but you are not ask him how he would feel in your shoes, and what he thinks you should do?? I can't believe he has the nerve to pull this trip on you... if I could talk to him I would say why are you fing with her
GPFan Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I agree with confused and broken, this woman is a person who tried to betray you with your boyfriend. Naturally you would be nervous and upset. Turning it around and asking him how he would feel may help him understand.
SeraBella Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I'd ask him why he wants to keep talking to her; why he feels it's necessary/important/desireable. I'd be curious what her reasons are for trying to rekindle the friendship with him...if she was just trying to reconnect with friends from the past, or make an effort to regain friendships that were lost; why isn't she trying to reconnect with you as well - since you two were once best friends. I think there are lots of reasons here for this to bother anyone, and from what you've posted it doesn't seem unreasonable. Some of it is jealousy, but it definitely goes deeper than that. The past between these two caused you a lot of pain. He's lucky you kept him around after what he did, and there hasn't been anything between the two of them to show that you should trust their behavior together when you are not around. I guess the only way I can see to maybe help get over it would be if they actually did hang out...you should be there, at least for some of the time. It doesn't have to seem like you're babysitting him, but perhaps it would help put you at ease.
JackhammerGemma Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I can't believe he'd even consider talking to someone who was half of an equation that caused you so much pain. There are a millions of other people on the planet he could be friends with, tell him to befriend one of the other millions.
sfsassy Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 My boyfriend cheated on me once, about a year ago (with my then-best friend). It was mostly emotional cheating, but we worked through it and ever since, our relationship has been strong. He hadn't talked to the other girl for a year since it happened, until recently when she contacted him and asked if they could meet up to talk. My boyfriend asked for my permission to talk to her again, and of course I couldn't say no. As far as I know, they never met up, but they have been talking lately and are now back on very good speaking terms. I trust him completely and know that he won't do anything to hurt me (believe me, he's put up with my constant worries about it), but it bothers me so much that they're talking again. He says all he wants is for me to be happy and that he'll stop talking to her if that's what will make me happy, but I'm pretty sure he does want to keep talking to her. How do I get over this? I don't want this to tear me up inside, so how do I be okay with them talking?? So far, I think they've just been reminiscing about old times... I think this bothers me because they've never had an actual relationship so it's not technically his ex. I'm scared that he's always going to wonder about "what could have been" and wonder if it would've been better with the other girl. I know I'm being slightly unreasonable, since if he was going to do anything with that other girl, it would've happened long before. I'm usually not a jealous person, it's just this one girl... Help, please =( I don't think it is too much to expect for them not to talk or to have them only talk within certain paramaters. . I would tell him that they shouldn't talk without you around, and if they agree to meet in person, you should be there too. I don't think it is unnatural jealousy since they actually have had a EA.
theobserver Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 First of she was your ex friend she is an ex friend right? she should be. They both betrayed your trust, I don't see why you're allowing them to talk again. This is the whole point of communication when he asked you could he talk to her again your supposed to say what you really feel, you agreed and said sure. If that was me I would think you're abit of a walkover at this point even a part of me would lose respect for you for agreeing. That may sound harsh but please think about it. I would not be surprised if they are talking just how they used to, with you giving the green light it's a matter of time before things go back to the way they are. What you should of done was say you don't feel comfortable with them talking and he should keep no contact if he loved you this shouldn't be an issue. Infact if he loved you he should of been doing everything in his power to avoid her unless she's some old school friend from a young age and it doesn't sound like that. Either you tell him how you feel and watch his response if he starts freaking out partially refusing save yourself some trouble and dump his ass it's going to happen again and this time physical. You can also try to see if he will only hang out with her when you are present, keep an eye open if you ask me something is up and this girl should of had some respect to stay away she still wants your man.
imbewildered Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 If that was me I would think you're abit of a walkover at this point even a part of me would lose respect for you for agreeing. That may sound harsh but please think about it. I agree with this POV. You need to feel a little angry that your B/f is disrespecting you by wanting to do again what he and SHE did last time. Put you foot down and say NO .
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I agree with both of these guys above me. She is YOUR ex-bff, not his. She should be trying to reconcile with YOU, not him. How dare she try to get between you two like this again?
Author nykal Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 Thank you everyone for all your responses! It was very comforting to know I wasn't overreacting. I took everyone's advice and opinions to heart, did some soul-searching, confronted him, got mad, and put my foot down. He was supportive and understanding and agreed not to talk to her at all anymore without a sign of anger or otherwise negative emotion. It's times like these that restore my faith in men, haha. I've also confronted my ex-BFF and we're on our way to repairing our friendship. Slowly, but I guess things are looking up! I love you all and thank you! <333
stillafool Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 My boyfriend cheated on me once, about a year ago (with my then-best friend). It was mostly emotional cheating, but we worked through it and ever since, our relationship has been strong. He hadn't talked to the other girl for a year since it happened, until recently when she contacted him and asked if they could meet up to talk. My boyfriend asked for my permission to talk to her again, and of course I couldn't say no. As far as I know, they never met up, but they have been talking lately and are now back on very good speaking terms. I trust him completely and know that he won't do anything to hurt me (believe me, he's put up with my constant worries about it), but it bothers me so much that they're talking again. He says all he wants is for me to be happy and that he'll stop talking to her if that's what will make me happy, but I'm pretty sure he does want to keep talking to her. How do I get over this? I don't want this to tear me up inside, so how do I be okay with them talking?? So far, I think they've just been reminiscing about old times... I think this bothers me because they've never had an actual relationship so it's not technically his ex. I'm scared that he's always going to wonder about "what could have been" and wonder if it would've been better with the other girl. I know I'm being slightly unreasonable, since if he was going to do anything with that other girl, it would've happened long before. I'm usually not a jealous person, it's just this one girl... Help, please =( What I don't understand is why you would give him permission to talk to her when you know that is not what you want? Now you have put yourself in a "dicey" situation. I suggest you tell him the truth that you don't want him communicating with her. If she contacted him I'll bet she still has strong feelings for him.
dazed.1 Posted July 22, 2008 Posted July 22, 2008 (1)My boyfriend cheated on me once, about a year ago (with my then-best friend). It was mostly (2)emotional cheating, but we worked through it and ever since, our relationship has been strong. He hadn't talked to the other girl for a year since it happened, until recently when she contacted him and asked if they could meet up to talk. (3)My boyfriend asked for my permission to talk to her again, and of course I couldn't say no. As far as I know, they never met up, but they have been talking lately and are now back on very good speaking terms. (4)I trust him completely and know that he won't do anything to hurt me (believe me, he's put up with my constant worries about it), but it bothers me so much that they're talking again. He says all he wants is for me to be happy and that he'll stop talking to her if that's what will make me happy, but (5)I'm pretty sure he does want to keep talking to her. How do I get over this? I don't want this to tear me up inside, so (6) how do I be okay with them talking?? So far, I think they've just been (7) reminiscing about old times... I think this bothers me because they've never had an actual relationship so it's not technically his ex. (8) I'm scared that he's always going to wonder about "what could have been" and wonder if it would've been better with the other girl. I know (9) I'm being slightly unreasonable, since if he was going to do anything with that other girl, it would've happened long before. I'm usually not a jealous person, it's just this one girl... Help, please =( (1) HUGE red flag!! (2) That's the worst kind (3) Why couldn't you? After the way he betrayed your trust he shouldn't have never expected you to be okay with that, nor should you be okay with that! (4) Why? He betrayed you once with this girl, why the hell do you think he would not do it again?? This is crazy! (5) Seriously? Then this is not the guy for you, and he definately will cheat again. (6)You shouldn't! (7)Like sleeping together? Why is that okay? (8) So why should you sit around and wait until HE chooses? He chose her once already, looks like he's about to do it again! And don't think it's better that he is keeping you in the loop this time, he is just easing his guilty conscience by making you okay with it, when you really really should not be! (9)Absolutely you are not being unreasonable! I'm sorry if I sound harsh here but girl you got to see what is going on here! HE CHEATED ON YOU WITH THIS GIRL! The fact that he is looking to see her again should tell you a lot. If he cared for you and never wanted to hurt you again he would never ever have anything to do with this girl. Plus I believe that if you cheat, and want to remain in a relationship, then it is going to be your responsibility to do anything and everything in your power to earn your SO's trust back. THIS DOES NOT INCLUDE REKINDLING WITH THE ONE YOU CHEATED WITH!! Sorry but I think your feelings are very natural, and you are too great of a person to put up with someone that is willing to do this. Just my opinion.
lolobear Posted July 24, 2008 Posted July 24, 2008 i definitely don't think this is a good idea. even if you trust your boyfriend, he has past history with this girl. it's much easier to be intimate with someone you've already been intimate with. there's definitely a difference between trusting him and exposing him to a woman who you KNOW could destroy your relationship. just sit him down and remind him about the history he had with this girl. explain that you fully trust him now, but the risk and reward of his friendship with the girl is just not worth it. explain that to him, and see if he agrees. if he doesn't, ask him why this relationship means so much to him. if he says it's because he cares a lot, that's exactly the reason they SHOULDN'T be in contact again.
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