D-Lish Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I dated a guy 14 months ago and we had a rocky, but intense LD relationship. We had a condom break which resulted in me getting pregnant. We had been on the way to breaking up when this happened- but the pregnancy brought us closer and we had began to make plans to be together. He lived a four hour plane ride away- and after my pregnancy we decided I would move to Edmonton to live with him and raise the baby. He even bought a house in anticipation of starting a family together. Well, the unthinkable happened and I had a miscarriage almost 3 months in. Some of you might have seen my detox post and my admission I have become an alcoholic this past year. I NEVER drank when I was pregnant- but it was after the miscarriage that I really went over the edge and started drinking heavily to escape the pain. The last time he contacted me was on our initial "due date" to say he was thinking of me and wished me well. We had broken up after I had the miscarriage because I was so messed up and all I could do was associate the loss with him. Our relationship was never perfect though- our feelings were always intense- but the distance made things hard to handle, and we fought alot. He e-mailed me a couple days ago to tell me he was thinking of me and wished I would talk to him about what happened with us and our loss. We really never did put much closure on the matter because I simply couldn't deal- and when I can't deal... I shut down and isolate myself. I realized after a couple exchanges that talking to him about what happened has been cathartic for me. We had love, but we had problems too. I guess, with regard to dealing with my alcohol addiction, that I am not sure that bringing this stuff to the surface is good for me- or detrimental to me. It's certainly brought about residual feelings of sadness I have not really dealt with... but of course, I don't deal with sadness too well. Our contact isn't about a reconciliation. He cares for me, and I care for him- but both of us have moved on with our lives. He has a gf - and I wouldn't date him again because we just weren't the right fit. He also wasn't the "best bf" 50% of the time. That doesn't mean I don't have feelings for him- and I know he still has them for me. It's hard not to after being through what we went through together. We both got really excited about having a baby once the reality sunk in- then when things crashed, we both got a little messy about it, in different ways. I guess I am wondering how others would handle this situation. Obviously, I denied him some closure when I shut him out about the miscarriage, and I think he really needs to have some- I probably owe it to him. I did go visit him one more time after the miscarriage- but he was moody and sullen.... so when I left, I just shut him out. Is it healthy to resume contact and talk about what went on? I'm honestly just not sure I want to add this to my plate of issues right now. I already have a lot to deal with without re-hashing this painful time in my life. I guess I see this particular incident as a catalyst that started me down the road to "escape drinking".... and here I am trying to stop drinking.... and he wants to talk about things. I'm of two minds about this... 1) Deal with this head on and let it out... get us both some needed closure. 2) Deal with it when I am feeling more emotionally equipt- because adding another piece of pain and drama to my already full plate might inhibit my recovery. Sorry, it's long.... I know. Any thoughts?
confused and broken Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 This is a tough situation that I have never been in, but just by the tone of your post it sounds like you don't feel it would be healthy.... and you know yourself better than anyone else.... Also you never have to go back into it especially not with him... Some therapists believe that there is no point in reliving the past... If you feel like you have some intense issues from this experience (which you probably do, seems like a normal reaction) you should talk to a professional who is trained in dealing with these situations so that you don't go flying back to the bottle... Your ex may have good intentions, but he has no idea what he is doing (is not trained)... If he has issues and is after you to go over it with him it is not your responsibility... why not suggest that he go talk to a counselor etc as well on his own because you do not feel prepared to deal with him... Could be wrong just my thoughts and sorry about your loss
Author D-Lish Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 This is a tough situation that I have never been in, but just by the tone of your post it sounds like you don't feel it would be healthy.... and you know yourself better than anyone else.... Also you never have to go back into it especially not with him... Some therapists believe that there is no point in reliving the past... If you feel like you have some intense issues from this experience (which you probably do, seems like a normal reaction) you should talk to a professional who is trained in dealing with these situations so that you don't go flying back to the bottle... Your ex may have good intentions, but he has no idea what he is doing (is not trained)... If he has issues and is after you to go over it with him it is not your responsibility... why not suggest that he go talk to a counselor etc as well on his own because you do not feel prepared to deal with him... Could be wrong just my thoughts and sorry about your loss Thanks C... I guess I feel a lot of guilt about leaving him after it happened. He was a bit of a jerk the last time I visited after the miscarriage- and I know now it was his reaction to the loss- but I took his demeanour hard and completely turned my back on him afterward. My visit was supposed to be about "closure"... but what ended up happening was that we didn't even talk about it at all. I guess I am wondering exactly what you addressed- is it my responsibility to help him come to terms with the loss. It's not realistically speaking.... but I do care for him a lot. I'm really bad with dealing with pain head on... which is why I started wondering if actually DEALING with something that affects me might not be a bad idea. In other words- if dealing with issue resolution has been something I have denied in the past and instead turned to drinking... should I be doing something different. I had some therapy after the miscarriage, but I did let it slide. I even felt guilty talking to the therapist because I felt like my problems were minimal in comparison to people with "real" problems. I've been contemplating telling him to give me a little bit of time before I can open up more to him. But, maybe I should actually face this?
jerbear Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 A miscarriage is something I don't wish anyone to encounter in their life. I've read biographies and for many the miscarriage was a defining moment in their relationship. It either makes the relationship stronger or they break up. IMO you should offer closure or more to the point, YOU'RE closure with him. I know it would not be easy with you but it is just part of life. Very hard to do.
Chinook Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 This happened to me, almost the same scenario in fact. Once we ended things, that's it - it ended. I didn't go back looking for closure and I've dealt with all that the feelings associated with a miscarriage entail. His grief is his grief, you can't help him deal with it. You saw him afterwards, I don't think it's healthy to prolong the agony of what happened if you guys ended things. It's kinda like a wound healing, sometimes it just needs to be left alone to heal instead of opening the wound and making it bleed. That's pretty much how I feel anyhow.
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