AnLandy Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 My brother and his first wife divorced 13 years ago when my nephew was only 18 months old. Seven years ago, my brother sued for primary placement and won. His ex never challeneged it or attempted to get the placement plan altered. My nephew is now 15, and my former sister-in-law has started making contact with my family members asking us to approach my brother on her behalf to expand her visitation time. She has yet to contact me, largely because she does not have access to my numbers, but she has contacted my parents and other sibling. She has even approached my grandparents, who are both over90 and suffering from serious health problems. She is arguing that we should help her, since she doesn't have enough money to take my brother to court, and she keeps bringing up the fact that my brother left her for another woman, whom he later married and had a second family with. She is acting as though we somehow "owe" her because he cheated. This is not the first time that she has played this card, and the game is getting old. What my brother did was not honorable, but we are getting tired of her martyrdom and her constant attitude that we, as a family, owe her. The people on this forum have experienced infidelity from both sides. Is her behavior out of line? Are we being dismissive? How long should we put up with this?
michelangelo Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 OK, you have not given any reasons why the boy's mother should NOT have contact with her own son. Nor have you stated why she did not fight for custody 7 years ago. Why do you think it is the best interests of the boy to NOT have contact with his mother? And why do you have no compassion for her wanting greater contact with her son? Yes, your brother acted dishonorably. I find it troubling that you consider her disparate attempts to see her own son as gameplaying.
Author AnLandy Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 OK, you have not given any reasons why the boy's mother should NOT have contact with her own son. Nor have you stated why she did not fight for custody 7 years ago. Why do you think it is the best interests of the boy to NOT have contact with his mother? And why do you have no compassion for her wanting greater contact with her son? Yes, your brother acted dishonorably. I find it troubling that you consider her disparate attempts to see her own son as gameplaying. She didn't lose custody, she lost placement. She still shares joint custody with my brother, but my nephew lives with his father full-time and has visitation with his mother two weekends a month. The judge removed her as the primary custodial parent because she was living with man who had no visible means of support, was on disability for "back pain", and had used drugs in front of my nephew. She is still living with this man, and he is still unemployed and on disability. Yet he has managed to find the money to buy a Harley, and he rides every weekend. She was also ordered to pay child support, and she has never done it. Despite these issues, my family has been very supportive in allowing her to have access to my nephew. My parents transport him to and from her resience for his visitation weekends. We are diligent about not planning family events for weekends when she has visitation. She recently filed for bankruptcy, so she has no money to return to court and request greater visitation. She asked my brother for financial help to bail her out so she could keep her mobile home, and he refused to give her the money. My nephew has voiced his intention of petitioning the court to cancel the mandatory visitation agreement as soon as he turns 16. Alll of this triggered her vendictive side. She began calling us in December, not to request that we help her see her child more often, but to tell us that we are horrible people who owe her for the pain my brother caused when he left her. Out of our own sense of guilt, we should make my brother give her equal placement, meaning that she will have my nephew for two weeks every month, and we should make him pay her child support. We have been on this rollercoaster with this woman for 13 years. Every time she doesn't get her way, she starts the "he cheated on me" mantra.
michelangelo Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Ok, your full note makes so much more sense, but I have to wonder why you did not elaborate properly at first. Seeing what you now write I would not want her around the kid if there is an unsafe home (drugs? illegal things?).
LakesideDream Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I have very little sympathy for non-custodial parents who do not pay their court ordered child support. Any amount of court ordered child support is cheap compaired to the acutal cost of raising children. The courts are not likely to give this woman custody if the has never paid the ordered support she owed. Or... who lives in a home without adaquate income to support the child. However bad this cheating husband was, it appears he was a dern good Dad.
Trialbyfire Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Cheating causes different reactions in different people. For someone with little coping skills, particularly people with disorders or other forms of mal-adaptive issues, it could cause degeneration of the form you referenced for your ex-SIL. Having said this, the family doesn't owe her anything. Since I don't know how the asset split went down, if the asset split was equitable or not, I'm unable to say if your brother owes her anything or not. I will say that it's a sad situation. Your nephew lost his mother at a young age and she lost her son.
Gunny376 Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 The extended family has no obligation to intervene in this woman's behave, in short she made her bed ~ now let her sleep in it. I found it interesting that you failed to comment as what her actions were that may have lead to her husband's straying. The way you describe her doesn't sound as though she's exactally got her act together. Indeed her X might be more agreeable to more lienent vistation were she to dump the dead beat with the back problem.
Author AnLandy Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 The extended family has no obligation to intervene in this woman's behave, in short she made her bed ~ now let her sleep in it. I found it interesting that you failed to comment as what her actions were that may have lead to her husband's straying. The way you describe her doesn't sound as though she's exactally got her act together. Indeed her X might be more agreeable to more lienent vistation were she to dump the dead beat with the back problem. The marriage broke up for a number of reasons. They got married when they were in college, because she was pregnant, and neither of them had a clue about parenthood. The marriage just collapsed under the financial pressures, and the fact that they got married for a really stupid reason. They had no assets when they broke up, and both were working minimum wage jobs. My brother and the "other woman" eventually managed to establish themselves financially, buy a house, have three more kids, and produce a pretty functional marriage. Despite the ongoig support that we gave her at the time of the separation (buying her furniture for her new apartment, purchasing my nephew's clothes and school supplies, providing free childcare) she never got back on her feet. She worked three jobs, leaving my nephew at home with the deadbeat boyfriend. She smoked constantly, despite his asthema. He was diagnosed with malnutrition. Every failure on her part was blamed on the fact that my brother left her. He destryed her life. He refused to give her money. He ruined her ability to trust men, so she has never been able to marry her live-in boyfriend. She has also used the infidelity as emotional blackmail over us. Every time she wants something from us, money, our testimony in court, free child care, our refusal to invite my brother to my sister's wedding, she claims that we owe her for his behavior. We are reaching the end of the rope, and we don't know how to get this woman out of our lives and off our backs.
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