Boyfriend talks to his ex in secret and asks her out to 'talk'

[VenusInFurs]

Last night me and my boyfriend were out drinking. It got late, so instead of going to my house I stayed at his.

 

I woke up after he'd gone to work, made myself some breakfast, and decided to surf the net on his computer before I left.

 

I recalled him saying something about his ex contacting him via myspace mail a few weeks ago. (Important note, he hardly EVER goes on myspace) He told me she was asking him how he was, she said 'happy belated birthday' and that she said that he might not want to hear from her(she left him for someone else and was generally a coldhearted bitch). My boyfriend told me all this, and that he had told her to **** off.

 

So there I was at his computer, remembering him telling me this. I log onto his myspace, curious about what pathetic things she'd said in the message. What I found really shocked me.

 

He instigated it.

 

He sent her a message: 'How's life?'

 

She responded: "Blah blah blah this blah blah blah that,how are you and your girlfriend, how's work blah blah blah'

 

He responded to that saying (most of this is paraphrased and shorter than the actual message) : 'Wow, I didn't expect you to respond! Still working at the same place, boring. Me and *my name* have been together almost a year now, time really flies!'

 

And then he asks her more questions about her life, she responds again.

 

His next message to her (paraphrased mostly but pretty much completely accurate since I read it over and over again because I was in shock):

'I know this may sound creepy or odd since we haven't spoken in so long but would you like to meet up for a chat this week? It's weird I've been thinking of you lately. I fully expect to be rejected so be as brutal as you want lol.'

 

She said she would meet up with him.

 

I confronted him about it face to face when he got back from work. Went something like this...

 

Me: So why are you asking your ex to meet up for a chat?

Him: It was a mistake. I was drunk.

Me: You were drunk on three different days?

Him: *gets angry and talks crap*

Me: Did you meet her?

Him: No.

Me: Why did you want to meet up for a chat?

Him: I don't know.

Me: I don't believe you.

Him: Im telling you the truth. I made a mistake. I realised that later, I sorted it out and we never met up.

Me: Have you been talking to her on the phone aswell.

Him: *gets angry, breaks phone, shouts at me*

Me: Why the **** did you break your phone?

Him: I can't contact her now can I?

 

WTF

 

I left and went to my place. I talk to my friend. I call him to try and get some answers. He gets angry, I get upset, I hang up. he bombards me with calls, I finally answer. By this point I'm too tired to argue, he says he's sorry, says his stupid excuses AGAIN and asks me 'are we cool?' I say yes because I don't want to argue anymore.

 

Needless to say, this is very confusing. I always trusted him 100%. I literally can't BELIEVE he'd do this, neither can my best friend.

 

He used the you-shouldn't-be-spying-on-me card because I read his myspace but **** he's read my diary before AND my saved msn convos so he's in no place to pull that **** on me. Plus we both know eachother's passwords!

 

Basically, I want outsider opinions.

 

Here's some background on us:

 

We've been together for what will be a year in august. The relationship is pretty intense. He was, at one point, obsessed with me. He was suffocating, insanely jealous etc. I know he (or at least knew) he loves (or loved) me more than anyone has ever loved me. He treats me generally well although he's hot-headed (I'm a bit too to be honest) and he bitches a lot. We argue quite a lot some weeks, but always make up. We can talk for hours and enjoy eachother's company.

 

We lived together at his parents house until recently when I got this place. He also organised to meet his ex when I was away visiting my nan!

 

Argh, I needed to vent. Any thoughts? Wtf is going on with him?

[dens_310]

all i can say... he loves you but he still thinks about his ex gf. i think personally no matter what happeneds, some what some how. youll still think about your ex. it can be in a good way or in a bad way. im sure at one point they had a very good relationship. and im sure she did thinks the he liked and dont like. my point here is this, im sure you do thinks that he doesnt like and his ex doesnt do it. and im sure his ex did somethings that he likes that you dont do for him. its going to take more years for you guys, more history together. so he'll complete forget his ex girlfriend

 

good luck

[carhill]

Argh, I needed to vent. Any thoughts? Wtf is going on with him?

 

Yah, cooling off period. Regain sanity. No contact.

 

Women really put up with this BS? I'm not talking about him contacting an ex, but the way he treated you when you confronted him. My god, my wife would cut off my johnson while I slept if I treated her like that, and she has the very expensive surgical shears to do it right

 

Anyway, where was I?

 

You have a dramatic relationship. Is this what love is supposed to feel like for you? Do you think it's healthy? Think about that during your break....

 

Did I mention to take a break?

[VenusInFurs]

Thanks guys. I think you're right about taking a break.

 

Is this what love is supposed to be like? I don't have a clue anymore.

[carhill]

It's not all the smooth talk you're going to have to process in the next couple weeks (or more).....

 

Just wanted to get that in...

 

Oh, scratch the sleep part; she'd do it while I was a awake just for emphasis

 

Actions, hon, actions. A man's actions have to match his words. Words are just so much bad breath, if you know what I mean...

[VenusInFurs]

He's normally a great guy, talk AND action. This was just so unexpected. If you knew him you'd know what I mean by that. It's just... weird for him to do something like this. It's not weird, however, for him to throw an angry hissy fit. Sometime's he's more of a woman than me.

 

Lol at castration... I think that's just a tad extreme

 

Anyway, I realise people will think of their exes. I think of my ex from time to time. However I would never dream of asking him to meet up for a chat, drunk or sober. It's just not on.

 

My boyfriend seemed so anti-cheating (is it wrong that I see this as cheating, am I over reacting???) and would always condemn cheaters yet he does this! And not only did he do it, he actively lied about it!

[carhill]

Just as a life-note: People often actively condemn behaviors which they fear in themselves. It's like, by vocalizing it repeatedly, they talk themselves into believing the reality of the statements.

 

Yes, he sounds difficult and complex but that has the other side of caring and sensitive, I presume. The part about breaking the phone is a bit immature, IMO. I hope you can work on that stuff with him.

 

Just process things for what they are. IMO, let your actions show your patience but that you have boundaries and he needs to respect them to continue to have you in his life.

[VenusInFurs]

Thanks carhill.

 

Woke up feeling... well, like this is all surreal. Strange. I don't feel depressed like I'm supposed to, I guess. I feel numb. And I've lost more faith in humanity.

 

I thought he was different. I thought he had morals. I guess it's stupid to think anyone can be perfect like that. I guess every person in the world is a lying cheating selfish twat.

 

What gets me is his stupid 'I was drunk' excuse, which he won't back down on. I just want the truth. I want to know WHY he wanted to meet her. I can take it.

 

Going to a party tonight. Just want to distract myself from this bollocks.

[carhill]

The one reality which you can count on is that everyone, myself and yourself included, is human and flawed. None of us is perfect, not even by our own standards. I think looking at things through those glasses really helps. Not as an excuse but to accept and decide if the flaws are something we can live with (in others) or change (in ourselves). I think relationships are great flaw identifiers. I know my M has been such for myself.

 

Good luck and enjoy the party!

[freckles3131]

Maybe he wanted to meet up with her because he needs closure of some sort? Sometimes the big "what did I do for her to leave/cheat, what's wrong with me, what could I have done differently?" questions never go away in one's head until you have that final goodbye/meeting. He just might not know how to say it out loud to you or put it into words....he may not even know the "why" other than he just needs that closure...

Just my 2 cents.

I will add that regardless.....his reaction to it was unacceptable. And because of his reaction there might be more to the story. But, needing closure could be part of it.

[Javelin]

There's no reason for anyone to, 'meet up' or have any type of contact with their ex-partner(s), unless there are legal issues involved.

 

Something sound's fishy in this situation and you had every right to approach him. How would he like it if you, while under the influence, contacted your ex-boyfriend and insisted that you talk in person? Would it be a one way street or would he be okay with it?

 

P.S. - Closure, is the worst excuse one would use to see their Ex, especially after a year's time. I don't buy or play that crap when it comes to relationships. They're marked, 'x' for a reason.

[mental_traveller]

He's normally a great guy, talk AND action. This was just so unexpected. If you knew him you'd know what I mean by that. It's just... weird for him to do something like this. It's not weird, however, for him to throw an angry hissy fit. Sometime's he's more of a woman than me.

 

Lol at castration... I think that's just a tad extreme

 

Anyway, I realise people will think of their exes. I think of my ex from time to time. However I would never dream of asking him to meet up for a chat, drunk or sober. It's just not on.

 

My boyfriend seemed so anti-cheating (is it wrong that I see this as cheating, am I over reacting???) and would always condemn cheaters yet he does this! And not only did he do it, he actively lied about it!

 

I don't think it's cheating, since they didn't even meet up, let alone have any physical contact. He didn't say he loved her or anything like that, so it was not "emotional cheating" either (whatever that is). What makes you see it as cheating? I agree that it's out of line, and enough for you to think seriously about ending things, but it's at most a possible precursor to potential cheating, rather than the act itself.

 

Why did he do it? IMO it's pretty obvious - something is lacking in the relationship, there is something missing which he doesn't get from you, or something he does get but hates (e.g. drama, nagging, whatever) hence his desire to reach out to his ex. If you want to stay together, then you need to find out what that is as address it, otherwise the relationship is doomed.

 

If you look honestly at the relationship from his perspective, what do you think might be amiss?

 

I'd also consider that his reactions are drama-filled and over the top. Sure you want to put up with this? In my experience, relationships with frequent drama and arguments are never happy and always break up or end with both people miserable and often cheating.

[VenusInFurs]

Wow! What the hell is going on with the universe??? At 1.30am (while at the party) I got a text from MY ex! WTF????

 

He said: 'Hey how are you doing? I haven't seen or heard from you in ages!'

 

Obviously I haven't replied. But seriously, do I have a joke life or what?

 

Thanks for all the opinions guys. Urgh. Although I really wanted to have no contact with my boyfriend, I have to. I'm still settling into my new flat and hav to go back and forth for various **** that i need.

 

It's like, I can't be angry about this, because he gets angrier, and I hate it.

 

Tomorrow, I'm getting ALL of my stuff out of his room and then ignoring him. He needs to learn that he can't treat me this way.

[theobserver]

I actually think you're doing a good thing. If he truely loves and cares for you he's going to be like "damn, I'm definently not doing that again."

 

Not only that it establishes you will not be a doormat in the relationship which makes so many men lose respect for their woman.

 

On the flip side this could bring out some behaviour from him you may see more clearly and you might decide to just break up.

[shadowplay]

My ex did something similar. He sent his ex a text message when he was drunk saying he missed having sex with her, the feeling of her on top of him and asked if they could meet up (presumably for sex). Then, when I confronted him about it he got really angry at me because he said he was "just drunk." To appease me he removed her from his friends list on facebook and deleted her number from his phone. Later I found out he had re-added her and had called her again in secret.

 

Four months later I ended up cheating on him. Of course my behavior wasn't justified, but what he did dealt a serious blow to my trust and feelings.

 

I would be very wary if I were in your shoes. The fact that he doesn't seem to get what he did wrong is a major red flag.

[amerikajin]

Boyfriend talks to his ex in secret and asks her out to 'talk'

 

F&ck that.

[Zofia]

People make mistakes in points of weakness. We all do it. It doesn't mean it's the sum total of who we are. In a relationship, I think you have to learn to be able to forgive when that happens... to an extent, anyway.

 

Your boyfriend thinking about his ex was his first mistake. If you're in a committed relationship, you shouldn't be spending mental time getting all nostalgic about your exes. Your mental time, where it comes to the opposite gender and relationships, should be focused on your SO and the relationship that you are in, if you want to have a healthy relationship. Anything else is self-destructive and relationship-destructive. (With some exceptions, like thinking about the issues you had in a previous relationship so that you can strive to resolve them in your present relationship. That's a different story.)

 

His contacting her/trying to set up a meeting was his second mistake. It's like the difference between noticing while you're walking down the street or getting a latte at the cafe that there's a hot chick there, versus actually going up to her and hitting on her. Yeah, there are going to be times when you think about your exes. They were a part of your life in the past, and you have memories of them. Sometimes you can't help it that those memories surface. Actually going forth, then, and trying to contact them and bring your past into the present, that crosses a definite line.

 

His third mistake, of course, was lying to you about it.

 

His fourth, and IMO his greatest mistake, was denying his personal responsibility, that he screwed up. Okay, he admitted he made a mistake, but he tried to immediately blame it on his drinking. That's not taking personal responsibility. It's also avoiding the real issue of what made him want to try to meet up with his ex in the first place. It's not like you drink a fifth of Jim Beam and suddenly you're hit by the irrational urge to contact your exes, anyone, no matter who you are. I think they would have something on the warning label if that was the case. "Warning: May Cause Sudden Ex Myspacing." There had to have been a desire to do it before the drinking broke down his inhibitions not to do so, and it seems like what's pissing you off is his refusal to acknowledge that and what's behind that.

 

Considering that he lied to you, I think you are fully justified in expecting that he do a little more talking than that if he wants to rebuild trust and communication. If he keeps refusing, holy red flags batman.

 

From what you have shared at least, it also sounds like he hasn't admitted to making the mistake of lying to you. He said he made a mistake by contacting her while he was drunk, and realized that later... what about the lying? Of course that was a mistake, and honestly, you deserve an apology for that for sure, not a dramatic childish fit where he breaks his phone and tries to make you feel guilty. He assumed that you would react badly to his mistake of contacting her and trying to set up a meeting, so he lied to you about it so that he wouldn't have to deal with any consequences of his mistakes. And he even did it in a way where he would look like the good guy and devoted boyfriend -- "My ex messaged me and I told her to **** off!" That's crap.

 

As for your part... ASSUMING that you want the relationship to continue and grow... if he can truly own up to his mistakes... you have to be willing to forgive him. If he can't, or you can't, then one of you needs to leave.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Lets face it. WE ALL think about an old flame or fling from our past at the most inappropriate time. And in some cases maybe it is good to talk to them and get that closure. And sometimes as SOs we have to let them do what they need to do. If this means they cheat, then we must make the decision if they are worth the chance. In this case your boyfriend might of been having a feeling that he needed to talk to her... Especially if he said what he said about her, and especially if he said it to her. Sometimes we keep those guilty feelings in side and can't let go of it. Maybe it was one of those things if we did not say it, maybe thing could of been different. Or if I can tell her I am sorry and that I forgive her... I can set myself free to be more ready for the woman I am with.

 

And like you can see the world is kind of funny. Your ex just wrote you out of the blue. Now how you determine to handle it is on you? If you reply will you tell your boyfriend? Will you hold the same anger towards him? Should he doubt your faithfulness to him if you replied?

 

 

DNR

I hope things workout for the both of you. And that you don't let this become an issue. But, now I would be concerned about his anger issues.

[VenusInFurs]

 

From what you have shared at least, it also sounds like he hasn't admitted to making the mistake of lying to you. He said he made a mistake by contacting her while he was drunk, and realized that later... what about the lying? Of course that was a mistake, and honestly, you deserve an apology for that for sure, not a dramatic childish fit where he breaks his phone and tries to make you feel guilty. He assumed that you would react badly to his mistake of contacting her and trying to set up a meeting, so he lied to you about it so that he wouldn't have to deal with any consequences of his mistakes. And he even did it in a way where he would look like the good guy and devoted boyfriend -- "My ex messaged me and I told her to **** off!" That's crap.

 

As for your part... ASSUMING that you want the relationship to continue and grow... if he can truly own up to his mistakes... you have to be willing to forgive him. If he can't, or you can't, then one of you needs to leave.

 

Thanks for the post zofia.

 

Urgh. My boyfriend has always been a drama queen. A fact: he's not good at any emotion except for anger. I've seen him cry once when he was drunk, and once when I almost broke up with him previously (no sobbing, just a few tears).

 

And about him and the lying part, he hasn't registered that mistake at all. I can see in his eyes he KNOWS he's wrong on all of this, he just can't accept it without causing a scene.

 

I saw him face-to-face yesterday, despite my ignoring him plan. I know I just don't want to break up with him, I can forgive him, I just can't stand the way he's trying to twist this and illogically make me feel as though I'm in the wrong.

 

He's been bringing up loads of stupid things to counter-act his mistake.

 

'You don't trust me anyway, you read through all of my stuff'.

 

Bull****. I read one thing of yours, and I never expected to find what I found.

 

'When we first started going out you were chatting to your ex on msn!'

 

Difference is we never talked about meeting up and the conversation consisted of: hi, how are you, I'm fine, how are you, good thanks... silence. No 'I've been thinking of you latelys' no 'lets meet up for a chats'. And plus, I told him about those conversations, and plus plus, I haven't instigated communication with my ex in six/seven months for ****'s sake.

 

My boyfriend also blames me if a man fancies or flirts with me. It doesn't matter that the context is always them trying it with me and me telling them I have a boyfriend.

 

His response to the confrontatation is just making things worse for him. Like most of you guys say, he's not taking full responsibilty for his actions. I got something out of him after painfully repeating, 'tell me the truth' over and over. He said the week he spoke to her on myspace was a week in which I was 'belittling' him and treating him like ****.... apparently. But is that a reason or an excuse. I think it's just another attempt to steer the blame away from him.

 

He is, however, trying to make up for things in his own little way. He's constantly calling to 'see how I am'. He's offered to buy me a small HD tv for my room...lol... I said I'll pay half, or should I just cash in on heartbreak?

[VenusInFurs]

 

And like you can see the world is kind of funny. Your ex just wrote you out of the blue. Now how you determine to handle it is on you? If you reply will you tell your boyfriend? Will you hold the same anger towards him? Should he doubt your faithfulness to him if you replied?

 

 

DNR

I hope things workout for the both of you. And that you don't let this become an issue. But, now I would be concerned about his anger issues.

 

Honestly, my ex texting me while all of this has been going in is one of the weirdest things ever. I told my bf he text me, showed the text to him. I suppose it's me saying 'look, I'm better than you are'. Oh lord.

 

I'm not saying it didn't cross my mind to text him back, but if I did that what kind of pathetic hypocrite would I be? Plus, my ex is a total wanker waste of time anyway.

 

And yep, my bf has MASSIVE anger problems. He's tried to sort them out with meds and therapy, but guess what, he ends up getting angry about the therapists and basically saying that all therapy is a load of bollocks.

 

Sigh.

[Pencup]

I disagree with the belief that once a relationship has ended they have to be out of each others lives completely.

 

Hes acted immature about this, he hasn't told you the truth. Maybe the stigma behind ex's being friends is the reason.

 

Dont suspect hes cheating on you.

 

My mother and father speak everyday. and they have been divorced for 20 years now. I live in my own home and see them every so often so its not like there common ground for conversation is me.

 

I cant help you with finding the real reason he contacted her. But i have stayed in contact with 3 or so ex's. maybe he just wants the same?

[VenusInFurs]

I disagree with the belief that once a relationship has ended they have to be out of each others lives completely.

 

Hes acted immature about this, he hasn't told you the truth. Maybe the stigma behind ex's being friends is the reason.

 

Dont suspect hes cheating on you.

 

My mother and father speak everyday. and they have been divorced for 20 years now. I live in my own home and see them every so often so its not like there common ground for conversation is me.

 

I cant help you with finding the real reason he contacted her. But i have stayed in contact with 3 or so ex's. maybe he just wants the same?

 

I understand that under certain circumstances exes can have platonic friendships, but I don't think he was after a simple friendship with her at all, otherwise why the secrecy? Why the stupid reactions?

 

I asked a mutual friend (who knows his ex) what she was like. She said she is kinda ugly but not hideous, quiet, greyish hair, had acne and tries it on with every guy she meets. I repeated this description to my boyfriend recently, and he started getting angry. He clearly still has feelings for her.

 

Maybe he's just never gotten over the fact she left him for someone else and wants some sort of affection or closure from her. Maybe he's just really unhappy with me at the moment. Maybe he just doesn't know what he wants. Whatever the reason, he's never going to tell me the truth.

 

And you know what, I don't think I'm as forgiving as I thought I was. Every time I talk to him he's just acting like he doesn't give a damn about what he did and just wants me to shut up about it. It makes me want to end it right then and there.

[cjanee]

I would cool things off for awhile. It's concerning that he gets jealous. Jealousy is not love it's about control. Jealous men want to control because they know that they cannot be trusted themselves. They transfer their cheating behavior onto their partner. Its classic. The fact that he is talking to his ex, as you can tell from my threads is a dead end right into the brick wall. The break would give him time to figure it out.

[honour and trust]

Follow your gut. It tends to reveal the truth.

[honour and trust]

Actions, hon, actions. A man's actions have to match his words. Words are just so much bad breath, if you know what I mean...

 

What do you do when a man's actions are what you want and been looking for but his words are saying otherwise? His actions say I love you so much but his words completely condradict that? I always heard to weigh heavily on a man's actions.