ate_the_paint Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Still waiting for that second chance? Maybe you're waiting for the wrong thing. My ex came back after nearly 4 months and when I saw her again, and remembered everything she had put me through the day she left me (cheating, heart-break, chaos...lies, childish games, etc.), I realized that I didn't want HER back...it was something else. For months, especially during the NC period, I had been idolizing her as this beautiful goddess of virtues and love who would see her mistakes and come running back into my arms. Of course all I was doing was putting not only her but our relationship up on a pedestal. My mind was making things up that did not reflect the reality of the situation. When I saw her, and learned that she was enjoying a coke habit and was happily "playing the field" and had decided that responsiblity to others was not to her liking, well, that pedestal came crashing down. It was like a giant weight had been taken off my shoulders. I sure as hell did NOT want her back! At one point she was my sweetheart and I was going to marry her, but ultimately there is no way I want anything to do with her now. The hurt and the pain and the constant wondering had nothing to do with her. It was that damn pedestal! I'm sure this doesn't work for everyone, but take my story as an example of how you probably don't want a second chance. Get a new pedestal and put someone who deserves it up there.
PandaStillLovesBunny Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I hear you, brother. I was actually relieved when my ex broke up with me, but for some reason, 8 months later, I had transformed the image of her in my mind into some unattainable goddess whom I was never worthy of. I think we all need to step back and take a sledgehammer to all our pedestals.
kizik Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I am incredibly envious of those of you whose exes cheated on them and lied. So much easier to destroy that pedestal when you've been wronged in concrete betrayals. As for me, my ex was/is highly narcissistic, and pushed me away subtly with insults and degradation. Much more difficult to realize the reality of that situation, than if she had f*cked me over in a more obvious way. Regardless, I wouldn't want to be with her again either. Try for a second to imagine how hard it is to recover when there are no reasons for splitting, save for differences in personality.
PandaStillLovesBunny Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Try for a second to imagine how hard it is to recover when there are no reasons for splitting, save for differences in personality. I don't have to imagine. I know.
kizik Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Then would you agree or not? Would you rather be cheated on or pushed away?
northstar1 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I am incredibly envious of those of you whose exes cheated on them and lied. So much easier to destroy that pedestal when you've been wronged in concrete betrayals. As for me, my ex was/is highly narcissistic, and pushed me away subtly with insults and degradation. Much more difficult to realize the reality of that situation, than if she had f*cked me over in a more obvious way. Regardless, I wouldn't want to be with her again either. Try for a second to imagine how hard it is to recover when there are no reasons for splitting, save for differences in personality. I hear you brother.
sunshinegirl Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Try for a second to imagine how hard it is to recover when there are no reasons for splitting, save for differences in personality. I don't have to imagine it, either. I lived it in my 2005 breakup. Took close to 1.5 years to be totally over him - and we only dated for 6 months! Then would you agree or not? Would you rather be cheated on or pushed away? Being cheated on should, in theory, make it easier to knock the person off the pedestal and move on more quickly. But right now I'm not sure I'm coping much better than you are, kiz; you're seeing me struggle with the pedestal issue even though E lied to and cheated on me. I don't mean to minimize what you're going through, not one little bit. My 2005 breakup was devastating. I couldn't pin what went wrong on anything specific, and I went in circles for MONTHS trying to sort it all out. What ended up helping me get over him was, sadly, time. Time and finally dating someone new who treated me really well (having met lots of frogs before I met him!).
Author ate_the_paint Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Then would you agree or not? Would you rather be cheated on or pushed away? What's it matter? If they sleep with someone else, they are disrespecting the relationship and it's over in their mind. If they push you away, they are disrespecting the relationship and it's over in their mind. No difference. Same s**t different pile. I've been reading your other posts kizik and you were doing well but now you seem so despondent. That's okay, I guess that's what happens. But don't despair you're off to school in a couple of months! Make the summer fun.
kizik Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I've been reading your other posts kizik and you were doing well but now you seem so despondent. That's okay, I guess that's what happens. But don't despair you're off to school in a couple of months! Make the summer fun. Thanks for the encouragement ATP. You're right, I am often despondent and optimistic in the same day. Such is recovery. I'm not going to lie and say I'm doing great when I'm not. However, there are hours in the day when I am doing great. The best part of what's happening with me is that the pedestal has been kicked out from under the ex's feet. Anger has helped.
orangehose Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I am incredibly envious of those of you whose exes cheated on them and lied. So much easier to destroy that pedestal when you've been wronged in concrete betrayals. As for me, my ex was/is highly narcissistic, and pushed me away subtly with insults and degradation. Much more difficult to realize the reality of that situation, than if she had f*cked me over in a more obvious way. You know, I often AM grateful that my ex acted like a jerk (he didn't cheat but acted pretty crappily on the spectrum of things) - at least intellectually, it gave me a definitive reason not to want him, and an easy three-liner explanation to give to people, who could then immediately nod sympathetically and say, 'my gosh, what an immature ****'. I knew pretty early on there was no way I could be with him. But it still doesn't make things easy, nor does it erase all questions from the mind. THere is still a bleeding out of emotions over time, and it's weirdly frustrating to not be 'over' the person ('over' all the good times) while objectively knowing they were not such a nice person.
sunshinegirl Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 THere is still a bleeding out of emotions over time, and it's weirdly frustrating to not be 'over' the person ('over' all the good times) while objectively knowing they were not such a nice person. Yes, this is the internal dilemma, for sure.
serendip Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Then would you agree or not? Would you rather be cheated on or pushed away? I much rather my ex break up with me for no reason or pushed me away Her cheating destroyed my faith
foxh1234 Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I much rather my ex break up with me for no reason or pushed me away Her cheating destroyed my faith I agree. Cheating has to be the hardest to get past.
Author ate_the_paint Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 I had a ex try to make me into a friend & was becoming distant. I didn't understand it because I knew she still loved me, but it turns out she was cheating on me for like 6 months and decieded she wanted to explore the new guy. When I found out, I was destroyed mentally, I would rather I had not known, but I suppose I am happy I know because it only tells me the type of person my ex truely was. A back stabbing, young whore who lies & deceives people. Very nice. I guess it does help when they give you something to villainize themselves with!
johan Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I am incredibly envious of those of you whose exes cheated on them and lied. So much easier to destroy that pedestal when you've been wronged in concrete betrayals. As for me, my ex was/is highly narcissistic, and pushed me away subtly with insults and degradation. Much more difficult to realize the reality of that situation, than if she had f*cked me over in a more obvious way. Regardless, I wouldn't want to be with her again either. Try for a second to imagine how hard it is to recover when there are no reasons for splitting, save for differences in personality. This has been my challenge as well. I'd love it if my ex was doing drugs and being irresponsible and selfish. I wish she was someone I actually didn't enjoy being around, instead of someone I could never have around enough. In the end it does seem to boil down to one thing: how do you feel about yourself in light of what happened, whatever it was.
kizik Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 In the end it does seem to boil down to one thing: how do you feel about yourself in light of what happened, whatever it was. Great point J. To answer your rhetorical question , I do not have any guilt about my breakup and R. So that's good. But as I was writing yesterday, I definitely had a hand in allowing her to treat me as badly as she did. I was complacent and weak and un-masculine. Next time I will stand up for myself and set clear boundaries.
Chinook Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 You know what... I've been here a couple years now. Seen a lot of stories good and bad. This is probably the most insightful thing I've read... when it gets right down to it. What's it matter? If they sleep with someone else, they are disrespecting the relationship and it's over in their mind. If they push you away, they are disrespecting the relationship and it's over in their mind. No difference. Same s**t different pile. That about sums it up, it's not about the relationship, or you... it's about them and once it becomes about them and only them, it's no longer a relationship. Once that person has emotionally disconnected and done/said whatever... it's over. It may take a while to get to the nitty gritty of the breakup but in my experience and from what I've seen here this is the bottom line, once it's gone for one... it's pretty much gone for both and it's over.
foxy12 Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 i think both suck i have been cheated on its the worst feeling in the world-but being pushed away would be horrid also- theyre are so many selfish,cheating,lying *******s in this world-god its sickning but i also believe in karma -my ex is for sure not on a pedestal- the 2 women hes been with since me -whew one was the one he cheated on me with who of course didnt want him since they werent sneaking round anymore the current has 3 kids she hasnt seen in year, worked at the skankiest strip club in town she had to get another job because she wasnt making enough stripping haha -they deserve each other - anybody whos been cheated on deserves better-
johan Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 ...I definitely had a hand in allowing her to treat me as badly as she did. I was complacent and weak and un-masculine. Next time I will stand up for myself and set clear boundaries. I wish you the best. I think it's important to really understand who you are. I find that being too critical of who I was and second-guessing the decisions I made undermine the faith I have in myself to do better next time. I'm not convinced I wouldn't respond in the same way again in the same circumstances, if my feelings were also the same. And I want to be who I am. But what I hope is that experience has taught me to recognize when all I ever get from my girlfriend is dilemmas and hard choices. I hope it turns me off.
daphne Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 When I saw her, and learned that she was enjoying a coke habit and was happily "playing the field" and had decided that responsiblity to others was not to her liking, well, that pedestal came crashing down. This is helpful since you now know that she's not good for you long term anyway. You should thank her for going downhill, cos if she's not already that's where she's going. It's a bit easier to let go when you see they're worse off. Imo, I think we put an ex or so on a pedestal when they are slightly out of reach and we kind of dig them. Not attaining them makes us want them more. And somehow, we think that they know something that we don't. Such as maybe we're not all that great, or they're just so much better. It's a bit masochistic and countertuitive really. The fact is, what they really know is that perhaps they're just not good enough. The last I saw of my ex, he had become a pothead, ski bum that was still waffling on what he wanted to major in for his bachelor's. He's almost 30. If he knew something I didn't, I'd sure as hell like to know what!!!!
justaman99 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 I definitely had a hand in allowing her to treat me as badly as she did. I was complacent and weak and un-masculine. Next time I will stand up for myself and set clear boundaries. Amen to that. I feel the same way because of our similar experience Kiz. It's about time we grew a pair of nuts. It sucks when a woman beats you down so much that you question your own manhood. Partly her to blame partly us.
Author ate_the_paint Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 Amen to that. I feel the same way because of our similar experience Kiz. It's about time we grew a pair of nuts. It sucks when a woman beats you down so much that you question your own manhood. Partly her to blame partly us. It's not hard to understand, really. Are you attracted to insecure, weak, co-dependent women? Probably not. You don't need to grow a pair; you just need to stop caring what others think so much.
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