chris_gomez76 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I've just come across some intelligence and supporting documentation that over the past couple of months, my wife (of over 13 years) and best friend (of over 22 years) have been cheating on me. I won't go through what the "intelligence" and "supporting documentation" were, but they were concrete enough to prove that they have been cheating on me behind my back. My wife and I have 3 kids, financially secure, and live your typical American suburban life. It hasn't always been the best of times, as we've gone through our ups and downs from time to time, but we've always managed to work through it. The last conflict that we had was about two months ago. I would typically refer to my best friend through these times as he has always done so in the past. What caught me off guard this time around was that come to know it, this supposedly best friend of mine has used this opportunity (the most recent conflict) to get together with my wife. I can't really tell if it was done in a malicious manner or intentionally. What matters to me now is that it has happened. I just found out the concrete facts this morning and over the past few hours, my head has been fuming, so many questions running around my, frustrated at what could have caused this, etc. Tomorrow is the 4th of July and we are suppose to have a small shindig to celebrate the holiday, where the best friend will also be coming over. I'm not sure what to do at this point, confront the best friend and/or wife? I've been leaning towards just driving over to his house or even when he comes over tomorrow and bash him around a few times, but I know that violence will nowhere. How do I move on? It would seem to make sense to either leave the marriage, or salvage it for the sake of the family? At this point, I could care less about my friendship of 22 years with the "best friend". Has anyone come across this situation? I'm trying to find the best way to deal with this. Many thanks.
LakesideDream Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Wow, just wow. Your going to be spending the 4th of July with a group that includes the man who has been inserting his penis into your wife? That's a recepit for disaster. Unless you have the nerves of a rock and the self control of Jesus, I would suggest that you find a reason to miss the gathering. The visuals alone that would dance through my head (I posess an imagination) would be more thanI could deal with safely. I suggest that yuo watch carefully where the two of them go. Good Luck.
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Well, let's just hope that user handle isn't your real name.... My advice is simple. I'd contact an attorney immediately and become conversant with my legal options and responsibilities in my jurisdiction. Secondly, I would refrain from creating any scene of confrontation until determining my legal options. Then, as appropriate, proceed and request that contact end and request MC to mediate/assist with the marriage. Sorry to hear about this
Bryanp Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I am so sorry for you. I would immediately contact the OM's wife and expose it now. I would also demand that your wife and you get tested for STD's. I would also consider talking to an attorney to understand what your options are. There has to be consequences to her actions. I would expose to her parents and siblings as well. This is such a double betrayal. It shows she has no respect for you and your relationship. It is unbelievably cruel. She invites her lover and your best friend to come over for the 4th. I sorry but I think she is getting a perverse thrill makeing you look like a complete fool. She is getting off humiliating you. She is a real piece of work. Unbelievable.
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Whoa....rash actions, especially prior/during holiday gatherings....let's take a breath here. OP, is the friend married? I didn't see that. IMO, acting impulsively on emotion can backfire. I know, since I've done it enough to see the negative results Here's my suggestions.... If this means making yourself scarce during the "shindig", then so be it. You have to, although it is very difficult right now, look at the big picture. I'd purposely be under-buying the beer so I'd have to make repetitive beer runs (or something similar). Another alternative is to "get sick" and cancel the party. If you have another trusted friend who knows your dynamic/history well, get him involved. Have him run interference. Get suggestions and support. I know how I'd be for a friend who needed me at such a time. No judgement, just get everyone through the day. Then, come next week, get legal advice as how best to proceed.
smartgirl Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 You need to cancel this because I dont think you will be able to fake it all day. Then, the person you need to confront is your wife. She is the one that really betrayed you and your marriage. Deal with the friend at a later time. This is more common than you would believe. The feeling of competition between good friends, of both sexes, can be intense. Many of my H's friends have hit on me over the years. In your wife's case, this may have come at a time when she was feeling unsexy (three kids will do that to a woman) and maybe not getting the kind of attention that made her feel desirable. Your friend, with a male's seek the weak one in the herd mentality, knew your wife wasn't happy because of what you told him and he may have used her vulnerability against her. YOu'll get a good sense of things when you talk to your wife. If she is ashamed, breaks down and begs forgiveness you may be looking at the scenario I just described. If she is defiant and says she loves him, then you clearly have even bigger problems. This is very new. We will be here for you to help as you navigate these waters. But do yourself a favor and give this some time to shake out. Don't make any impulsive decisions or actions now because you may well come to regret it.
Confused4Now Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 So here is a question....have you been totally faithful to your wife over the 13 years of marriage?
Author chris_gomez76 Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 So here is a question....have you been totally faithful to your wife over the 13 years of marriage? Been faithful as one could be. The closest I've ever come across not being faithful was visiting a strip club with a bunch of friends and getting a few lap dances. So far, I'm leaning towards following SmartGirls recommendation and talk this through my wife. carhill - The best friend is not married. He was married at one time, but got divorced. Guess what, his wife cheated on him and left him. So does this mean that he is trying to gain revenge? Thank you all so far for your contributions. A couple more hours before the wife gets home......
Nomad1 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Do you really want to stay with a cheating wife? You know that once a cheater, always a cheater! If I were you, I would round up the finances, do whatever is necessary to safeguard your interest. Get a lawyer and plan ahead, for you and your children. Invite your friend for dinner and confront both of them. Don't waste anymore time on her or him. Move on! Nomad1
Lizzie60 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I totally agree with Nomad... confront them at the same time... with the 'proofs'... get your stuff together and plan your divorce. Don't forget your kids are the most precious people.. they're no.1.. then it's you...
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 carhill - The best friend is not married. He was married at one time, but got divorced. Guess what, his wife cheated on him and left him. So does this mean that he is trying to gain revenge? I would try not to project any meanings or motivations onto actions which were taken. This takes away from the important matters of the day, that being your M and your children. I also like Nomad1's idea of quiet confrontation of only the parties involved. Do what you need to do regarding tomorrow's party, but keep your knowledge under wraps until you're fully apprised of your options and obligations. Knowledge is power in such instances, and decisions made at the beginning can have far-reaching ramifications. I don't envy your position, but, indeed, the sun will rise again and you will go on breathing. Take some comfort in that and give the yung-uns an especially big hug and kiss tonight. Remember how fortunate you truly are
LakesideDream Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 This is getting ridictulous. Cancel the party... you live in the house too, you have every right to cancel the party. Tell your wife you have discovered the affair. Take appropriate actions. Personally that would be filing for divorce. I have no idea what you will do. Then CALL your best friend, tell him you are aware of they way he betrayed your friendship, and that you won't be going to any Fishing Trips, Demolition Derby's or Rodeo's with him anymore. Your friendship is over. Time to take a look at your future as a part time single Father.
Bryanp Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I so agree. Allowing your wife to continue to throw a party at your home with her lover and your former best friend coming over would be the height of stupidity. I cannot believe that your wife would want to do this. If she did then you know how little respect she has for you and she could care less about your humiliation. My friend, if the roles were reversed, do you honestly think your wife would allow you to bring your lover and her former best friend who betrayed her to a party at your home?.... OH Please!!
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 OK, it's an anonymous forum with an OP who has chosen a real-sounding name as a handle... What the heck, let's read the evidence I'm assuming your children are young, so what happens next is going to have a huge impact on them. If anger is what motivates you, think twice, or even three times before saying or doing anything. Emotion speaking without the benefit of intellect can become your greatest enemy, and that enemy is you. Be careful out there
Bryanp Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 There is something else you might wish to consider. What type of person deliberately engages in a sexual affair with the husband's best friend? What type of person would engage in such humiliating and destructive behavior toward her husband? It is totally demeaning and cruel. She know what she was doing and she knew how this would destroy you. What kind of person does this?
2sunny Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 first things first! what is the evidence you supposedly have? let's determine if it's legit. if we have solid evidence to work with then we will know where to go with his options when he confronts her - as in what he is willing to discuss and talk through with her or to just basically tell her she's out. if the party is to be canceled then maybe the wife should be the one to tell everyone it's canceled and the reason is that she has cheated and needs to handle the situation appropriately at this time. the friend? hmmmm friend? yikes...
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 the friend? hmmmm friend? yikes... Yeah, I'm thinking, if the "76" indicated BD, that would make him 32ish, being married since 19ish and the friend would be a childhood friend. Whoa...
Confused4Now Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 This is exactly why I'm getting out of my situation....all this stuff is making me ill to hear. Cheating SUCKS!!!! I'd like to say I really don't like the candid answers I see from some people...because we really don't know the whole picture or situation and maybe a high percentages turn out a certain way, but it doesn't mean they all turn out that way. Things happen for a reason and it still doesn't make it right that people cheat. Like carhill says lets hear all the evidence before we all chime in....
2sunny Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 i wouldn't even bother having a conversation with the OM (prior friend). nothing to hear from him except excuses and lies and rationalizations. so don't even go there. for me, that would be so OVER! the effort of any sort of acknowledgement much less spoken words to this kind of scum isn't worth the energy it would take to speak.
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 this kind of scum isn't worth the energy it would take to speak. Remember the interrogation scene in the first Matrix movie where Agent Smith glues Neo's mouth shut and invites him to "not speak"? Just imagining a couple scenarios with the friend....
roswellguy Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I don't know what evidence you say you have but it better be very good because she is going to lie to you to protect what she has. A home and 3 kids. She will flay deny the affair unless you can convince her of the facts. Hey cancel the frigging party! Visit your "bro" face to face and tell him you know about the affair and see what he says. if you present him with concrete evidence he may confess. I would confront him before you confront your wife. That way if he admits it, she will have no choice but to cave in. Also disconnect your phone and take her cell phone so he doesn't call her to warn of you knowing and she would be able to prepare a defense. Then go to an divorce attorney and get rid of her. You may have had your ups and downs and 13 years and 3 kids may have bonded you two but that trust has been destroyed. You would be miserable the rest of your life if you stayed with her because once a cheating wife.....
pentacle Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I can see no good in letting them know that you know without spending time finding out your rights and knowing whether you want in or out of this marriage. When you know all this there is still plenty of time for action. I think I would go ahead with the party and try and assess what further evidence can be gained - watch out for excessive touching, snatched conversations and looks. Gather all that info together then get legal advice on your situation first thing next week. With all that information, and some reflection on what it is you want, you can then determine what is the best action for you.
pelicanpreacher Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Now is not the time for emotional "knee jerk" reactions. Your primary motivation at this point is to collect hard evidence of their liasons, especially if they require the neglect or endangerment of your children. It will take a very cool head and nerves of steel to accomplish this but, in the end, you will have your irrefutable proof and maybe some leverage in any future divorce action that may ensue. Whatever you do...never let'm see you sweat!
Sal Paradise Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 If she will cross the line of banging your best friend, what line won't she cross? I don't see how one can forgive that.
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