confused and broken Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 It has been 4 days NC, and I am very committed to NC, but I can't stop checking my phone and e-mail to see if he wrote/called me- even though I would not respond- I also checked his facebook profile and noticed he deleted it which was one of the issues we were having So in some ways I feel guilty breaking up with him..... But it is definitely the right thing to do... Why am I so connected and preoccupied with it???
northstar1 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 It has been 4 days NC, and I am very committed to NC, but I can't stop checking my phone and e-mail to see if he wrote/called me- even though I would not respond- I also checked his facebook profile and noticed he deleted it which was one of the issues we were having So in some ways I feel guilty breaking up with him..... But it is definitely the right thing to do... Why am I so connected and preoccupied with it??? All of us have been there. You miss the contact, it validates us in the beginning after a breakup. Habits are hard to break, regardless of who the person was who initiated the breakup. Stop looking him up on Facebook, not healthy.
Nevermind Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 If he blocked you on facebook, you will not find him anymore. I guess it could look as if he was deleted. Block his e-mail adress. This way you will know that there is no e-mail, and stop checking.
Author confused and broken Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Why was his facebook profile a problem? His facebook was a problem because he was using it as a dating site and flirting with other girls when supposedly he just wanted to be with me... So when he was giving me his song and dance about wanting lifelong companionship I asked him why he was pimping himself out on facebook and then cut him off..... So he never got to answer but now has deleted his profile....
Author confused and broken Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 If he blocked you on facebook, you will not find him anymore. I guess it could look as if he was deleted. Block his e-mail adress. This way you will know that there is no e-mail, and stop checking. Ok I am terrified to block his e-mail, but I am going to do it.... It is scary to think about not having a guy in my pocket if you know what I mean...
ZenSilk Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 It sounds like this is immature on different levels. He was using that as a dating site maybe to make you jealous or because he's just not ready to commit to an adult relationship. Either way, he's not ready to give, so yes it's very good you broke up. The way you did it, though, sounds a bit like a strong emotional reaction and not a discussion. You cut him off and didn't give him the chance to say anything about this? If this is the way you broke up with him, then it'd explain why you feel guilty and still connected. You feel guilty because you didn't allow a discussion, it was a jealous, strongly emotional reaction instead of a real decision. If you really want to break off the connection you need the closure to allow yourself to look at him in the eye and say: it's over, because x, y and z.
serendip Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 It is scary to think about not having a guy in my pocket if you know what I mean... Ummm...what does this mean?
ZenSilk Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Ok I am terrified to block his e-mail, but I am going to do it.... It is scary to think about not having a guy in my pocket if you know what I mean... Scary to not have a guy in your pocket? This really sounds like you need to spend some time alone and learn to not need constant attention from a guy. If this is what is keeping you in relationships, they won't develop into adult and respectful ones.
carhill Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 OP, you can only gain health from NC if you choose to do it completely and voluntarily and for the reason of moving on with your life and accepting things as they are. From the tone of your posts, it sounds like you're used to having male attention and derive substantial self-worth from that attention. I'll submit part of growth is learning to be secure and loving within yourself, and choosing to share that security and love with another human being. Men are not to be "put in your pocket". They are human beings with hopes and dreams and desires and feelings, just like you. You may think your path is a smart one to be on; I hope life agrees with your choice of path
Author confused and broken Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 OP, you can only gain health from NC if you choose to do it completely and voluntarily and for the reason of moving on with your life and accepting things as they are. From the tone of your posts, it sounds like you're used to having male attention and derive substantial self-worth from that attention. I'll submit part of growth is learning to be secure and loving within yourself, and choosing to share that security and love with another human being. Men are not to be "put in your pocket". They are human beings with hopes and dreams and desires and feelings, just like you. You may think your path is a smart one to be on; I hope life agrees with your choice of path I totally agree that men are not to be put in your pocket... that is why I am on here because I have been with him a year NOT because he was good to me or treated me respectfully..... BUT to have someone to be physically intimate with when I felt like that was what I needed...... Now I want to change... I don't want to need anyone... But I find it scary to be alone because I never have been... The truth is though that being in a meaningless relationship is the loneliest you can be
Author confused and broken Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 It sounds like this is immature on different levels. He was using that as a dating site maybe to make you jealous or because he's just not ready to commit to an adult relationship. Either way, he's not ready to give, so yes it's very good you broke up. The way you did it, though, sounds a bit like a strong emotional reaction and not a discussion. You cut him off and didn't give him the chance to say anything about this? If this is the way you broke up with him, then it'd explain why you feel guilty and still connected. You feel guilty because you didn't allow a discussion, it was a jealous, strongly emotional reaction instead of a real decision. If you really want to break off the connection you need the closure to allow yourself to look at him in the eye and say: it's over, because x, y and z. The thing is that I have broken up with him many many times and given him tons of reasons, and that was just one in the list..... I guess I just really want out... I have explained it to death it is immature but as you said this relationship is immature on many different levels... And I don't understand how I can somehow make it mature??? Other than by ending it with NC Maybe I am running away.. but isn't that ok sometimes???
Author confused and broken Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Ummm...what does this mean? I guess what I am trying to say is when I get lonely enough I always go back... and he is always there when I am weak... This time I want to stay way no matter how weak I feel and move on with my life for good.. Easier said then done considering I have felt that way many times before I guess in some ways I am an addict
ZenSilk Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 The thing is that I have broken up with him many many times and given him tons of reasons, and that was just one in the list..... I guess I just really want out... I have explained it to death it is immature but as you said this relationship is immature on many different levels... And I don't understand how I can somehow make it mature??? Other than by ending it with NC Maybe I am running away.. but isn't that ok sometimes??? You can't make it be mature, because for that he'd have to mature a lot, and you can't influence that. Running away might be ok, but you have to make this decision very clear to yourself. It sounds like, if this is an on and off thing, you don't have the strength to actually end it. NC is definitely the right way to go. I just hope that you really made it clear to him that this was a final break up.
Author confused and broken Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 You can't make it be mature, because for that he'd have to mature a lot, and you can't influence that. Running away might be ok, but you have to make this decision very clear to yourself. It sounds like, if this is an on and off thing, you don't have the strength to actually end it. NC is definitely the right way to go. I just hope that you really made it clear to him that this was a final break up. There is no making it clear to him...... I think because actions speak louder than words and I have always gone back to him... but this time if I follow NC eventually it will be clear to him... I just have to find the strength, and move on
ZenSilk Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 There is no making it clear to him...... I think because actions speak louder than words and I have always gone back to him... but this time if I follow NC eventually it will be clear to him... I just have to find the strength, and move on Sounds good. And it's especially important now that you find mechanisms so that when you're weak, you have other things to go to, not your ex. Friends, hobbies, family...
justaman99 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I totally agree that men are not to be put in your pocket... that is why I am on here because I have been with him a year NOT because he was good to me or treated me respectfully..... BUT to have someone to be physically intimate with when I felt like that was what I needed...... Now I want to change... I don't want to need anyone... But I find it scary to be alone because I never have been... The truth is though that being in a meaningless relationship is the loneliest you can be God you sound like my ex. No offense but it's a ***ced up thing to do to someone. She busted me to pieces with this exact same attitude. i was just a pawn to her, nothing more and I actually take blame for seeing it and not jumping ship myself. The difference was is that I loved her. You're using men to avoid lonliness and it's absolutely selfish and hurtful to the other person. You need to find out how to be happy on your own before you could ever be happy with someone. Time to get to work.
Author confused and broken Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 God you sound like my ex. No offense but it's a ***ced up thing to do to someone. She busted me to pieces with this exact same attitude. i was just a pawn to her, nothing more and I actually take blame for seeing it and not jumping ship myself. The difference was is that I loved her. You're using men to avoid lonliness and it's absolutely selfish and hurtful to the other person. You need to find out how to be happy on your own before you could ever be happy with someone. Time to get to work. At the beginning of our relationship I had totally fallen for him, but I soon figured out I was just another girl in his pocket... Eventually it was either play his game or end it... I tried playing his game for a while and hated it.. this non relationship has made me miserable that is why I don't want to do it anymore... I would never come up with that on my own I just played along rather than not playing at all... I am never going to be in a relationship like that again I would rather spend my life alone!
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