No contact is best in healing

[overandout]

"Emergency measures: If you run into your ex. If you can roll out before they see you, bail. YOU CANNOT HANDLE what they have to say to you. If you can't bail, wave, smile, roll out (somethings are better left unsaid). If you are trapped and you have to talk, follow these rules A) do not give any info out about you B) do not request info about them C)You are busy, state this nicely, with smile, roll out. You have just saved yourself a ton of pain and you are also mysterious, they think that they're not worth your time (they're not)."

 

I have just read the above which is from an old thread that is now closed.

 

Just to share with you and for some comments.

After several years of a PA, I was left in "a state of suspension" not knowing what was going on in his mind when he just stopped contacting me. He was having trouble making time to meet me and I decided that either his wife was getting suspicious or he just wanted out. He didn't want to meet with me to discuss things. Fast forward several months and he started hanging around places that I frequented but he never contacted me by phone.

 

Once, I found myself talking to him in a cafe and telling him that I wasn't working on Fridays for a few weeks. Why the hell did I do that?! I was cool and told him that I would see him around. I then saw him on 2 successive Fridays in the cafe in the book shop where he knew I went, but I avoided him and he never saw me.

 

Then a couple of months later, one Saturday, I was walking out of the supermarket and he was in front of me alone, but I am sure his wife was in the parking lot. Anyway he turned around and made eye contact and then he waited for me just after he had gone through the sliding doors and stepped aside. Well I smiled very sweetly, said good morning and then continued walking and never looked back. I could feel that he was reeling from my behaviour because he stayed put. Afterwards when I got home I decided that I had been rude but after reading the above quotation, I think that what I did was ok. I didn't want to engage in a conversation with him and hear about his life.

 

I am quite pleased that the impression I gave was that he isn't worth my time and that I don't want to resume the affair. He didn't have to wait for me in the supermarket; it was his choice. I also think that it was the final nail in the coffin of the affair.

Any thoughts.

[lessonlearnt]

Interesting, and I will try and see it from his point of view.

Nobody, especially if they are keen on another person wants to be rejected by them.

 

You told him you were free on Fridays and so I expect that he decides to bump into you. You gave him informaton but then you didn't show (or that's what he thinks). He is probably confused becaause from reading your history you have resumed with him on numerous occasions. You are not acting as you have in the past. So, in the supermarket, the fact that he waited for you shows that he is still interested enough to have a conversation with you and perhaps to wonder about you and what has been going on in your life etc.

 

You rebuffed him and he will think that you have found someone else and /or you are not interested in having a relationship with him on any level. He will think that he gave you a chance to engage with him but you blew him out. He will not be in a hurry to repeat this exercise.

IF you ever wanted to resume things, it is up to you to make the first move; you can't expect him to put his head on the block again.

 

If he digs a bit deeper he may realise that you find it too painful to get close to him again and I think that is the real reason you were polite but evasive. Just my take on things.

[overandout]

I prefer the "he's not worth my time" take, but I see where you're coming from.

 

Either way whatever the reason, I have been able to walk away from him completely. He humiliated me enough times. Let him wonder about my behaviour--I spent months wondering about his!.