rawkwell Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I've been dating someone for two months. We have really come very far in just a little time. We spend a great deal of time together, get along well, and are very good friends as well as lovers. My concern is this...he refuses to change his status on his facebook page. I have talked to him about it because it's gotten annoying that whenever I show my friends his page to show them who I'm dating, they always say "ooh, single? Looking for dating, a relationship, friendship, etc...?" It's getting annoying. It's not like he's never on his facebook, he logs in daily, and even though I asked him to, he continues to refuse to change it. He said that he's never changed his facebook status in the years he's had it, and he was even living with someone at one point. (My facebook page avoids the situation completely and I have hidden the relationship status to avoid this problem, which was an option I gave him) What does this mean? Should I be concerned or should I just let it go?
Jilly Bean Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 It means one of three things: 1 - someone else is viewing his page that he doesn't want to know he is in a relationship. 2 - he is still seeing other women and does not consider you exclusive. 3 - he is playing power/control games since he knows it bothers you. IMO, NONE of the options bode well for longevity...
Author rawkwell Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 I asked him to change it prior to him going off on a boy's 4th of July weekend. He's gone now and didn't change it, should I give him the cold shoulder while he's gone? I know him, he's going to call and text the whole weekend, and this has really upset me. He doesn't have any time to see other women, we seriously see each other every day, so I don't think that's it, but I do believe that there might be someone on his facebook that he doesn't want to see that he's in a relationship. The whole control/power struggle thing is possible too. Ugh, I won't see him now until Sunday, what should I do to handle this?
v33 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I'd let it go. Since you've made it into an issue he really can't change it without giving in. Focus on the reality of your relationship and enjoy your time together without worrying about a couple of bits on information on the internet. Really, it's just Facebook. What he does and how the treats you is all that matters. People who are legally married screw around on each other, so a Facebook status that says "In a relationship" doesn't really mean much in the grand scheme of things. And if he is playing games with you or hiding his status from someone, what can you really do about it? I wouldn't cold shoulder him about it. If you really want to deal with it wait till he comes back and tell him, straight up that you think he is either hiding something or messing around with your head. But be prepared for things to get messy if you do. Do you trust this guy? Is this the only thing odd about the relationship? If so, I'd drop it.
Tomcat33 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I asked him to change it prior to him going off on a boy's 4th of July weekend. He's gone now and didn't change it, should I give him the cold shoulder while he's gone? Making him to change the Facebook status, is like making a man tell you he is commited to you before he really is. Have you openly discussed the status of your rel? Have you determined you are commited? If not then there is no reason why he should feel forced to change his status on Facebook, the more you press for it the less he will want to do it.
Author rawkwell Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Yea, everything else is great. I do need to let it go. It's my stupid friends and family looking at the page that's driving me crazy, but I need to just let go and enjoy what we have.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 It means one of three things: 1 - someone else is viewing his page that he doesn't want to know he is in a relationship. 2 - he is still seeing other women and does not consider you exclusive. 3 - he is playing power/control games since he knows it bothers you. IMO, NONE of the options bode well for longevity... 4) He is lazy and doesn't want to change it. 5) You are reading more into this relationship than you should. 6) He is trying to appear as a stud or maintain an image. 7) He is thinking that why bother just in case this one doesn't last, especially if neither of you are talking marriage. 8) Is doing it to annoy you or send you a message. 9) Maybe waiting for you to stop being annoyed and getting upset about it and be happy you have him. 10) Testing your commitment and patience. 11) Wondering why you are showing his Facebook page to your friends? IMO, You have to choose your battle. How important is it that he change his page for you? If he did, does this mean he will treat you any different? Are you letting fears come where there may be none and thus you are forming your own destiny. It is true we will certain things into our lives through our fears and doubts. How about this...You change your Facebook back and let him take a look at it and let his friends observe that your single and looking. I am all about working from an even battleground on subjects like this. A lot of people might think it is petty and beneath you, but its not. Why? Because it is an encourager to you. To make you stand up for yourself and see if he feels what you are feeling (and yes sometimes it does work). He might just be seeing it as a males can do this, females can't kind of thing vice anything truly diabolic. DNR
Tomcat33 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Yea, everything else is great. I do need to let it go. It's my stupid friends and family looking at the page that's driving me crazy, but I need to just let go and enjoy what we have. That's the problem with facebook everyone sees your every move in terms of what you do in your romantic life. It's ridiculous! I left my relationship status out it's no one's damn business to know when I am and I am not dating someone. When I move in with the next guy I plan on introducing him on my page In the mean time we can look at each other's profiles but we are cool with what we have "off camera" we have nothing to prove on Facebook, our closest friends outside of it will know about us anyway and that is all that matters. If everything is going well don't let some stupid field on a profile ruin a good relationship. That's foolish.
Tomcat33 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 4) How about this...You change your Facebook back and let him take a look at it and let his friends observe that your single and looking. I am all about working from an even battleground on subjects like this. A lot of people might think it is petty and beneath you, but its not. Why? Because it is an encourager to you. To make you stand up for yourself and see if he feels what you are feeling (and yes sometimes it does work). He might just be seeing it as a males can do this, females can't kind of thing vice anything truly diabolic. DNR Unfortunately and I really hate to admit it but I agree with that. Men tend to understand actions more than words. Nagging is in one ear and out the other as fast as you can say "commitment" (well that takes a little longer than I thought once you say it out loud....but you get the gest ) actions will be reckoned with.
AriaIncognito Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I'm in a committed relationship and haven't updated my status on facebook or myspace. I did remove that i was looking for relationships/dating however, because I was sick of getting spam/hit on. Some people find it's a jinx to update it. I've updated it in the past and then had the relationship crash and burn, so to be honest, i just leave well enough alone now.
KinAZ Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 A lot of good points were made here. If you two aren't officially in a committed relationship, I don't see any reason to expect him to change it. Personally, I would be a little put off if a guy asked me to do something like that before he had "the talk", but I would probably offer my explanation as to why I wasn't going to change it. So, if you two aren't "official" I say be happy the way things are. I'm not exactly a commitment-phobe, but I'm not as tolerant/patient and have been know to spook easily. In which case, it's a great sign that he was cool about your request! As for your friends and family, just tell them that you two are dating and nothing is set in stone at this point... you're taking it slow, etc. And, I might change my status back to single as well. If you two are official, THEN I might have a problem with it.
confused and broken Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Because this is bothering you I would take it as a RED FLAG and almost guarantee you he is going to make you miserable... Changing your face book status is the simplest thing you can do and if he knows you care he should jump at the chance to make you happy He sounds like a real a hole to me Find a man who will treat you the way you want to be treated....one who is proud of you and wants to show you off!!!
Cherry Blossom 35 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 First of all, it's just Facebook. Do you really need to announce to the whole world every move you make? Or in this case,. does your boyfriend need to do this? I left that whole part blank. Personally, I would not change it unless I felt like this relationship was going to last a while. And two months is not a very long time. If you change it to say in a relationship with so and so, then guess what happens when you break up? You have to change it back and then everyone asks you what happened.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 He sounds like a real a hole to me Find a man who will treat you the way you want to be treated....one who is proud of you and wants to show you off!!! Whoa! Dang, that is kind of a harsh judgment on someone we just know from someone's who only view we get from a hurt person's eyes. He might be the greatest guy in the world for her and except for this one annoying problem is otherwise "perfect." Should that be the same response for every man and woman who have an issue with their SO? How would you feel if someone you liked dumped you because you did something annoying, but not relationship defining? And they take it to heart? Granted you are better off because they aren't big enough to talk it out with you and work with you on it, but then, what does that say that a stranger can make such accusations about you just based on your partner's one sided view? DNR We should be careful with what we say and who we say it to, sometimes issues become more serious because we don't have the full side of the issues.
Author rawkwell Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 He really is pretty amazing, and I completely understand now why he hasn't changed his status. It is a jinx, of sorts, and it is just facebook after all. I've decided to just enjoy our relationship, not let facebook and what my friends say get in the way of our happiness and what we have. When it comes down to it, we know what we have, nobody else needs to know our "status." I did change my status back to mirror his, though. That way we're on even ground. I hid the story, though, so it doesn't seem like I'm announcing it to the world. I doubt he'll even notice, but it makes me feel better.
Star Gazer Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 It means one of three things: 1 - someone else is viewing his page that he doesn't want to know he is in a relationship. 2 - he is still seeing other women and does not consider you exclusive. 3 - he is playing power/control games since he knows it bothers you. IMO, NONE of the options bode well for longevity... I totally agree. Some think Facebook/MySpace status things are petty and silly, but I really do think they speak volumes.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Why does everyone keep saying "it's just Facebook"? Considering that hundreds of people--perhaps almost every person you know--are on your Facebook (assuming you're within the age group to be into that sort of stuff, I suppose), in a lot of ways it's equivalent--if not worse--than pretending you're single in real life/public. It essentially means he doesn't want his friends, family, co-workers (and of course, every other girl he has on the side) to know he's in a relationship. It's a really bad sign, but again, only if you're in that age demographic (which I assume you are, op).
confused and broken Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Whoa! Dang, that is kind of a harsh judgment on someone we just know from someone's who only view we get from a hurt person's eyes. He might be the greatest guy in the world for her and except for this one annoying problem is otherwise "perfect." Should that be the same response for every man and woman who have an issue with their SO? How would you feel if someone you liked dumped you because you did something annoying, but not relationship defining? And they take it to heart? Granted you are better off because they aren't big enough to talk it out with you and work with you on it, but then, what does that say that a stranger can make such accusations about you just based on your partner's one sided view? DNR We should be careful with what we say and who we say it to, sometimes issues become more serious because we don't have the full side of the issues. After years of letting guys walk all over me I really don't think it is harsh... Advertising that he is single to the world is harsh though... I have always let little things like that slide, eventually to realize that I should have followed my gut to begin with...... If I guy really cares about a girl wouldn't he be proud to be her boyfriend... What is the big deal?? And if he cares about her why would he be so hesitant to do something for her??? To make her feel good?? Do I have unreal expectations here???
Pedigree Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Well, considering that these days the officialness of a relationship depends on whether or not it's "facebook official", I'd say it does. Some people find it's a jinx to update it. I've updated it in the past and then had the relationship crash and burn, so to be honest, i just leave well enough alone now. Looking at profile pics of friends where they are cuddling their SO, I bump into this thought a lot. You're broadcasting that you're happily in a relationship, good on you if you make it but what happens then it crashes and burn. Not only do you break up, but you're also broadcasting the aforementioned break up. Then what? Does the ex remain friends or doesn't he? What about the ex's friends? Questions, questions, questions...
JP77 Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Yea, everything else is great. I do need to let it go. It's my stupid friends and family looking at the page that's driving me crazy, but I need to just let go and enjoy what we have. Ignore them, if he is into you, treats you well, then that's all that mattes. Facebook is just an Internet site, it doesn't define how he feels for you. And him having "in a relationship" on facebook doesn't immune you from being cheated on. So, if he is going to cheat on you, he'd do it regardless of his status on facebook.
bellabella Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I had the same situation with my boyfriend. I left relationship status off my profile since splitting with a long term ex last October. When my newish boyfriend and I got together, his profile said single (fair enough!). After a couple of months I asked him about it a few times, but he never changed it. I decided to let it go for the time being and a week later he got rid of the single status. Maybe stop asking him about it and see what he does? I do think it is important as you have to wonder what is stopping him change it, or at least removing the single part. Good luck!
rosalie Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 eeerghhh... as much as I love this electronic age it can also suck with questions like this. I don't do facebook but I met an ex online who after 6 weeks bumped his profile back up despite us hanging out and having fun - my advice is to not make an issue of it even if you want to. If it's going to happen it will, you can't force it, I hate saying this but don't say anything, be cautious with your feelings but don't confront him it will only turn him away. Be yourself and do your normal things - if it's meant to be it will happen, really
endlesstrains Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 My BF just won't change his... it's starting to really frustrate me. We had been dating for 3 or so months when I changed mine from "single" to blank because I didn't really feel comfortable saying I was single. I never said anything to him about it. Maybe a month or so ago (we have been dating about 5 months now) *HE* actually brought up the facebook status thing and mentioned that he wasn't single and he should change it. I had given him the benefit of the doubt that he just wasn't thinking about it, but he said that he had been thinking about it and didn't just "forget." Anyway, so later we had a talk about what we were going to change it to. And he still didn't change it. Whatever... I mentioned it once or twice more and still, nothing... though he kept agreeing that he wanted to change it and that he would. One morning after these talks I logged in and saw he had been on Facebook and Myspace soon after we talked about it but still had not changed his status. I was kind of mad about that but didn't say anything. Finally, a couple weeks ago I changed my status to "In a Relationship" on both sites because we had agreed we were going to. He STILL hasn't changed his!!! I am starting to get really frustrated because all of our friends use these sites and I know that they will gossip if they look at my page saying "In a Relationship" and then his page saying "Single." It is embarrassing to me and I feel like it is suggesting to the world that he is playing me or is not serious and that I am going to get hurt. I can't change mine back now or people will think we broke up. But this morning he left my house and I said (in a light, joking tone, not nagging) "don't forget to change your facebook status!" and sure enough, I checked later this afternoon, and he had time to upload a bunch of videos to myspace but STILL DIDN'T CHANGE HIS DAMN STATUS. He is going on a week long vacation starting tomorrow and that is just going to prolong the time that people can see our profiles and gossip. Argh. I don't care that much about these sites but the fact that 1) i changed mine and can't go back and 2) ALL our friends are on these sites and will see it, is making it difficult for me. I look stupid now and I just want him to change it like he said he would (and he is the one who brought it up in the first place.) In every other aspect of the relationship he is loyal, loving, happy, and he keeps telling me things like "you are the best girl I ever met." He is pretty transparent and not good at lying and I am sure he is being honest when he says these things. So... why won't he just change his status? It takes 30 seconds! Also, we are DEFINITELY exclusive, we are agreed to be BF/GF, we have met each others families, both of us think this is going to last, etc etc so it's not like we just have different ideas of what we are to each other.
trubella Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 I don't care that much about these sites but the fact that 1) i changed mine and can't go back and 2) ALL our friends are on these sites and will see it, is making it difficult for me. I look stupid now and I just want him to change it like he said he would (and he is the one who brought it up in the first place.. think you do care, put alot of thought and energy on this issue it seems. but i can understand why it may bother you when he said he would change it. as far as friends who will gossip, there may be some who dont even give it a 2nd thought when they see his page. wouldnt worry about what theyre saying, if theyre even saying anything to begin with. i just discovered my bfs myspace not too long ago, fortunately he had IAR for his status, but i can only imagine what my reaction would be had he put "single" there. next time your with him and the computer is on have him log on and show him how easy it is to change it, 1-2-3 easy steps:)
endlesstrains Posted July 19, 2008 Posted July 19, 2008 think you do care, put alot of thought and energy on this issue it seems. but i can understand why it may bother you when he said he would change it. as far as friends who will gossip, there may be some who dont even give it a 2nd thought when they see his page. wouldnt worry about what theyre saying, if theyre even saying anything to begin with. i just discovered my bfs myspace not too long ago, fortunately he had IAR for his status, but i can only imagine what my reaction would be had he put "single" there. next time your with him and the computer is on have him log on and show him how easy it is to change it, 1-2-3 easy steps:) Thanks for responding. Unfortunately our friends really do like gossip and I am sure at least a couple of them will make more out of it than there really is. I just feel discouraged now because he will be away from a computer for a week and is sure not to change it for at least that time... meanwhile his page is in full view for everyone. I just don't see why he can't take 30 seconds to change it when he promised he would. I feel like sitting him down at the computer and making him change it would be really controlling and pushy... but I am starting to feel like it's the only way it will get done. But I don't really WANT it to be done that way, I want him to do it himself to prove that he really does want to... I just don't see why he would bring it up and say he would change it if he's not going to. I trusted him when he told me he would and so I changed mine. Now I am stuck in an awkward position where I have changed mine but he still hasn't changed his and people will see it and talk...
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