11 yrs marriage and i am fed up.........

[ohmy3]

well i am just to a point i am sick of looking @ my lazy husband, (been sometime i have felt this way) on/off for over a yr. now, he is lazy w/ our marriage maybe 1 time a month helping out , even never to offer, never, will never say i am sorry, makes no effort, ect., is a friend (the nice guy) to everyone else, not a friend to me whats so ever, sure will lissen to me if i am upset about something, like i went threw the stage of where is our marriage @ and really starting seeing that it was only worth the effort to put in some needed time of effort after me asking him to w/ a loving approach over a few yrs. now and now he just makes me sick! he only care to do anything in life if he gets something outta it , and love don't seem to be a big priority between us to him, i am at a loss, like i don't understand why i have let this bother me so much as i sure time after time have been the only 1 to try to keep our marriage on track and still interesting from our sex life to time together, and still the same, he willn't rarely lift a finger to us or maybe even something as little as take the trash out, he will sit on his ass an watch me and out 2 kids take care of things, only if and when i get so feed up and b*tch @ him will he maybe @ least take the trash out ......... his "self entitlement" is so stupid, a great dad and works full time ect. , however as far as us nothing...............

[GreenX]

I feel your pain I truely do. I am going through a similar situation now. We however are not married and looking ahead I don't see that happening if things continue as they are now.

 

I have no advice to offer as I said I am pretty much in the same boat. I do wanna give you a *hug* though and let you know you are not alone.

 

I hope things get better for your sake as well as your kids sake.

[Lizzie60]

I say .. pack your kids and your stuff and leave the lazy jerk... like is too short to put up with people like that..

[carrot10]

I also was with my exh for 11 years. We have a daughter. I felt taken for granted for along time and finally got fed up and left in 2005. Think VERY hard before you do this! My exh was/is a fantastic dad, makes a great living and is a great guy. Yes, he is a workaholic and is somewhat selfish but there are alot of things about him and our relationship I miss. If I would have worked on my issues, we would still be together. It is very hard to do this on my own-raise a child, manage a house, 2 dogs and work enough to support myself. I am lucky because I have a great family and my exh and I are friends.

 

If I were to go back in time, I would not have left him. I would have tried harder to communicate. Really think about it before you make any decisions.

[ohmy3]

u know it is a wild experience when you (yourself) start to see things as they are .......... i've been covering my pain and consant let downs in our marriage control me in so many ways (living in fear of being unloved) i have abused my self and such for what? a man really that keeps proving my value of a pile of crap more of less, i am not even sure what and how i will start this rd. an how it will turn and end to, i just know this is not working for me anymore............... thank you to those that reply

[randall3539]

Hi ohmy3, I know how you are feeling. I'm going through something similar with my husband. We have been married 7 years and together for 8 years. Our relationship seems dead. We don't talk anymore and sex doesn't happen all that much any more. He has nothing to talk to me about any more either. We have four boys. The first two are from my prior relationship. The third one is from his prior relationship. The youngest one is ours. Their ages are 7, 11,12, and 14. My husband does alright with others and our kids, but we suck at being together. I'm the last thing on his mind. I feel like I've lost my husband and can't seem to get close to him at all any more. I'm not sure how things got this way or why it seems so hard to fix things again. It is good to wright down what is happening in the relationship because it could be valuable later on if the marriage fails and ends in divorce. It is also helpful to work through things inside yourself. I feel your pain and would love to talk to you any time.

[ohmy3]

it took me sometime to stop blaming myself for his stupid ways, like always he's tried over the last few days, " what i call fake love " you don't pull ur own weight and show ur caring side whenever your told 2 for sake of your well being, it is so fake and i see through it, he will slip right back in a day if poss. a week, as as normal there i will be agian but the results will come to his loss in 1 way or another, i have put a few more things in to motion to better me and not abuse me for his lack of "just being in the marriage",the things i have planed don't happen overnight for me although ea. morning i have awakend to a wiser person and a peace of calm w/ in me is showing myself the rewards i am wanting, i will not abuse myself becuase i am here @ this page in life.......... sorry if a tad jumbled, not enough coffee in me yet and my brain isn't awake fully yet!

[SunnySideUp]

I agree with a previous poster. Try to communicate what you expect from him. Ask for help, even if it has to be several times a day. Ask for time off so you can go out or be by yourself for a while or meet a friend. just ASK! My husband is habitually lazy and naturally oblivious. When he's sitting on his butt it's because he doesn't realize what needs to be done. He's wonderful about doing anything and everything though when I ask him nicely. Just try to think of him as oblivious and ask ask ask for help, always (and ask nicely). Make it a habit of yours.

[Mr. Lucky]

like always he's tried over the last few days, " what i call fake love " you don't pull ur own weight and show ur caring side whenever your told 2 for sake of your well being, it is so fake and i see through it,

Isn't there some contradiction in "asking him to w/ a loving approach" and then labeling it "fake" when he tries ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[twice_shy]

well i am just to a point i am sick of looking @ my lazy husband, (been sometime i have felt this way) on/off for over a yr. now, he is lazy w/ our marriage maybe 1 time a month helping out , even never to offer, never, will never say i am sorry, makes no effort, ect., is a friend (the nice guy) to everyone else, not a friend to me whats so ever, sure will lissen to me if i am upset about something, like i went threw the stage of where is our marriage @ and really starting seeing that it was only worth the effort to put in some needed time of effort after me asking him to w/ a loving approach over a few yrs. now and now he just makes me sick! he only care to do anything in life if he gets something outta it , and love don't seem to be a big priority between us to him, i am at a loss, like i don't understand why i have let this bother me so much as i sure time after time have been the only 1 to try to keep our marriage on track and still interesting from our sex life to time together, and still the same, he willn't rarely lift a finger to us or maybe even something as little as take the trash out, he will sit on his ass an watch me and out 2 kids take care of things, only if and when i get so feed up and b*tch @ him will he maybe @ least take the trash out ......... his "self entitlement" is so stupid, a great dad and works full time ect. , however as far as us nothing...............

 

only one that sounds like they have a sense of "entitlement" here is you.

 

If you aren't in love with him any longer, then divorce him already.

 

The fact that you talk about him like you do, and that narcissitic looking pic of yourself, I'd say he is probably the victim of an overbearing entitlement princess of a wife.

[ohmy3]

twice shy - more like! ( twice as stupid ) wow , last reply (above this) sure was snide, (u must be perfect ! ) i am sure far from narcissitic, doing the things u say u will do as a person is what is important to life and lasting love and u fall short of that time after time u loose simple...... sounds like u have allot of issues ur self (my post hit 2 close to home 4 u? ) not tat i care. nice Avatar my i guess this be your idle? loser, i rear up on your listings U have issues w/ women! CZ 1 screwed u over (i can't image why?) there are many great 1's.............

[ohmy3]

Isn't there some contradiction in "asking him to w/ a loving approach" and then labeling it "fake" when he tries ?

 

Mr. Lucky

 

mr lucky ! (miss the pic. of u and ur dog) u maybe right guess, i didn't think about it i am just so worn down by all this over and over, cycle.

[twice_shy]

twice shy - more like! ( twice as stupid ) wow , last reply (above this) sure was snide, (u must be perfect ! ) i am sure far from narcissitic

 

Sure can't tell by the way you talk about him. Its one thing to have a little animosity towards a spouse. Its another to talk about him the way you do.

 

as far as the "u must be perfect" comment...uh...who is the one putting down their husband with all the name calling? maybe you should apply your own comments to yourself before trashing your husband.

 

 

doing the things u say u will do as a person is what is important to life and lasting love and u fall short of that time after time u loose simple...... sounds like u have allot of issues ur self (my post hit 2 close to home 4 u? )

 

post hit 2 close to home with me? nope. doesn't apply to anything I have experienced at all.

 

I just saw a post by a woman that was full of hatred for her husband. Again, methinks he is the victim of an overbearing entitlement princess.

 

 

not tat i care. nice Avatar my i guess this be your idle? loser, i rear up on your listings U have issues w/ women!

 

I have issue with cheaters. If thats wrong, so be it.

 

 

CZ 1 screwed u over (i can't image why?) there are many great 1's.............

 

Sure there are many great ones. And ones that don't have so much contempt for their men that they post such hateful stuff about them as you have.

 

If thats the way you really feel about the man, then do him a favor and get a divorce already.

[nicki]

Well, once contempt sneaks into a marriage, it's very difficult to communicate.

 

You have a lot of resentment for what has happened in the past and for your unmet needs.

 

Anyone pushed to that level of frustration would act like you are. It's like the chicken and the egg. Which came first? Did you always act like this and it pushed him away? Or are you so frustrated that your behavior is pushed outside it's normal limits? Hard to tell from the outside.

 

It's like someone who has been cheated on acting paranoid that their spouse is again cheating on them so they are checking up on them, etc....completely understandable given the context of the relationship's past. Not so clear if the spouse has always acted trustworthy and never cheated.

 

Anyway, you must go talk to him and tell him how you want things to change. Ask him what he wants. Come up with a workable plan, maybe even with just one or two things to do....and then do them for a set amount of time, say a couple of weeks. Then evaluate how it's working.

 

Baby steps. It's worth a try before ending the marriage. But if the lack of respect and lack of desire to please you continues, you will have no other option but to leave (or stay miserable.)

[nicki]

In my opinion, I think the very least the thing you two need to do is to kiss each other hello and goodbye, even if you don't feel like it! It will create goodwill for more positive change.

 

Often couples hang on to anger and become very rude to each other. You can be mad, it's a good signal as to what is wrong. But still try to maintain a positive regard for him, even if it's simply because he is another human being whom you once loved very much.

 

Also, schedule 15 min a day of uninterrupted time together. You can take a walk. Sit on the couch, etc. (No tv!) Try not to argue during this time, but be very honest. If you need to, tell him how you feel in general terms, as in "I'm feeling very fake pretending to enjoy our time together. I wish it felt more real." (Always express your desire of how you "wish" it was.)

 

A lot of marriage counselors will advise you to begin with the two above steps.

[ohmy3]

recap to others to follow an read current post

 

u know it is a wild experience when you (yourself) start to see things as they are .......... i've been covering my pain and consant let downs in our marriage control me in so many ways (living in fear of being unloved) i have abused my self and such for what? a man really that keeps proving my value of a pile of crap more of less, i am not even sure what and how i will start this rd. an how it will turn and end to, i just know this is not working for me anymore............... thank you to those that reply

[Walk]

I got out of my previous marriage for the same type of issues. By the time I was at the level of resentment that you're at, it wouldn't have mattered if he'd contorted himself into a new person... I still wouldn't have stayed in the marriage.

 

You sound like you know what you're doing and where you want to head. Just make sure you reassure your kids through out this process.

 

Good luck.

[randall3539]

Hi, I just wanted to write an update to my situation. My husband and I have seperated after 8 years of marriage. We have a seven year old son together. I spend a lot of time with the children and MySpace now. I'm not being abused any more. I get lonely, but it's ok. I don't cry every day any more and I don't have to feel bad about myself any more. I'm still ajusting to changes in my life, but it's all good now.

[LakesideDream]

Just a thought.

 

When I had been married 11 years, we had two children, ages six and five. My ex was a "stay at home Mom". She too complained that I was lazy and didn't help enough around the house. I tried, and it was never enough.

 

I worked 12 hours a day, six days a week supporting the family. "Support" is a all inclusive, loaded term. At that point in my life and our marriage I put much weight on my then wife's household decisions. I allowed her to choose where and how we lived (as in location, and quality of the dwelling/standard of living) as she spent a great deal of time at home with the children. I supported her with the necessary work/income to accomplish her goals.

 

I allowed her to chose when she needed a new 10k automobile (remember it was long ago)to keep her and our children safe on the roads, or a new Ethan Allen dining table (3.5k). I earned the income to have the landscape taken care of, the house was painted (exterior), the kids had "the good stuff", and she had her Chic jeans, and Gucci knock-off's. When she wanted new drapes, we had them. When she wanted a dishwasher we got it.. She and a single friend spent two nights a week at "the gym", which was a lot more expensive then, I was cool with that. You get the idea. And yes, she could afford to visit friends, and family (and boyfriend), and there was money enough for more than the basic's without going into debt.

 

I didn't want to work six days a week, 12 hours a day. I really didn't. When I came home at 7pm I didn't want to take the trash out or help mop floors or do dishes. I was bushed. I did though, not as often as she wanted of course, but I did. I also watched the kids when she "went out with the girls"... sick or healthy, up screaming, or peacefully sleeping.

 

Had I not spent the years our children were growning up, working those six days and long hours we would have spiraled deep into debt, been forced into bankrupcy, and probably have suffered a premature failure of the marriage. We watched it happen to her three closest friends.

 

So.... when hubby is "to lazy" to take out the trash, or help fix the garbage disposal, or cut the lawn, ask yourself if he actually has the energy? I know that I didn't 80% off the time. And yes I resented being called uncaring and lazy.

[soserious1]

Just a thought.

 

When I had been married 11 years, we had two children, ages six and five. My ex was a "stay at home Mom". She too complained that I was lazy and didn't help enough around the house. I tried, and it was never enough.

 

I worked 12 hours a day, six days a week supporting the family. "Support" is a all inclusive, loaded term. At that point in my life and our marriage I put much weight on my then wife's household decisions. I allowed her to choose where and how we lived (as in location, and quality of the dwelling/standard of living) as she spent a great deal of time at home with the children. I supported her with the necessary work/income to accomplish her goals.

 

I allowed her to chose when she needed a new 10k automobile (remember it was long ago)to keep her and our children safe on the roads, or a new Ethan Allen dining table (3.5k). I earned the income to have the landscape taken care of, the house was painted (exterior), the kids had "the good stuff", and she had her Chic jeans, and Gucci knock-off's. When she wanted new drapes, we had them. When she wanted a dishwasher we got it.. She and a single friend spent two nights a week at "the gym", which was a lot more expensive then, I was cool with that. You get the idea. And yes, she could afford to visit friends, and family (and boyfriend), and there was money enough for more than the basic's without going into debt.

 

I didn't want to work six days a week, 12 hours a day. I really didn't. When I came home at 7pm I didn't want to take the trash out or help mop floors or do dishes. I was bushed. I did though, not as often as she wanted of course, but I did. I also watched the kids when she "went out with the girls"... sick or healthy, up screaming, or peacefully sleeping.

 

Had I not spent the years our children were growning up, working those six days and long hours we would have spiraled deep into debt, been forced into bankrupcy, and probably have suffered a premature failure of the marriage. We watched it happen to her three closest friends.

 

So.... when hubby is "to lazy" to take out the trash, or help fix the garbage disposal, or cut the lawn, ask yourself if he actually has the energy? I know that I didn't 80% off the time. And yes I resented being called uncaring and lazy.

 

 

My stay at home spouse didn't give 2 shiats about any of that, no amount of hours spent working to support the family exempted me from ANY of the household chores, the very suggestion that I should have to do less because I paid the bills was met with the response that my thinking was "entitled"

 

At the end of the day everybody in the house crapped in the toilet but only one set of hands was responsible for cleaning that toilet. No matter how many $$$ I brought in,no matter how many hours I worked.