Analysis needed!!

[CailinPig]

Please analyse what my ex has been saying to me ('Z' is his new girlfriend):

 

- 'Half my heart is with my gf and the other half is with you'

- 'I'm really confused'.

- 'I used to think you were the most unreasonable person in the world... til I started going out with Z' (laughs)

- 'Z always thinks she's right, and I have to just back down. I don't know how long I'll be able to take that for.'

- 'I love Z more than anything in the world'

- 'I don't know if I love Z, but I do wanna be with her'

- 'I don't wanna go out with you'

- 'I feel the same for you as I do for Z'

- 'I'm more attracted to you than I am to Z'

- 'I wanna have kids with Z'

- 'You have to stop contacting me cos Z will go crazy. i really miss you. we can email each other though'

- 'I blame Z for our friendship being secret'

- 'Wait til I ring you. i don't want Z finding out we're contacting each other'.

- 'No this isn't the happiest I've ever been. I don't think I've been at my happiest yet.'

- 'This is the happiest I've ever been'

- 'Piss off'

- 'I think I'm still in love with you'

 

He's only been with Z for four months, yet he was with me for 2.5 years. Z is currently away on hols and he has cheated on her with me while she was away. Although this does qualify as a**hole activity, he genuinely seems confused at times.

 

Tell me what he's at. Please

[northstar1]

Please analyse what my ex has been saying to me ('Z' is his new girlfriend):

 

- 'Half my heart is with my gf and the other half is with you'

- 'I'm really confused'.

- 'I used to think you were the most unreasonable person in the world... til I started going out with Z' (laughs)

- 'Z always thinks she's right, and I have to just back down. I don't know how long I'll be able to take that for.'

- 'I love Z more than anything in the world'

- 'I don't know if I love Z, but I do wanna be with her'

- 'I don't wanna go out with you'

- 'I feel the same for you as I do for Z'

- 'I'm more attracted to you than I am to Z'

- 'I wanna have kids with Z'

- 'You have to stop contacting me cos Z will go crazy. i really miss you. we can email each other though'

- 'I blame Z for our friendship being secret'

- 'Wait til I ring you. i don't want Z finding out we're contacting each other'.

- 'No this isn't the happiest I've ever been. I don't think I've been at my happiest yet.'

- 'This is the happiest I've ever been'

- 'Piss off'

- 'I think I'm still in love with you'

 

He's only been with Z for four months, yet he was with me for 2.5 years. Z is currently away on hols and he has cheated on her with me while she was away. Although this does qualify as a**hole activity, he genuinely seems confused at times.

 

Tell me what he's at. Please

 

Well, my first guess was that he's playing games. Wants his cake and to eat it too, since he's allover the place.

[ladyinlimbo]

So what he 'seems confused' at times, boohoo. He's dealing with real live human beings here, who have real live hearts and feelings. Shame on him for secretly communicating with you, his EX, while his GIRLFRIEND is "away on holidays." What a man he is. Not. And what are you doing here? How would you like it if a guy you were seeing was doing this behind YOUR back? Both of you should have some actual respect for his girlfriend.

[stillstrong1]

Answer: The guy isn't in love with you or her. He doesn't want to be with you or else why did he break up? And he sees that Z is intolerable and he's getting sick of her. So now he's just juggling both of you. Just move on.

[kizik]

CP:

 

I didn't even read your list, b/c it was clear to me that he is an AS*HOLE who is playing with you, leave him the f*ck alone, tell him to leave you the f*ck alone. You cannot recover until you get him out of your life. I'm pissed that you're still allowing him to talk to you and affect you.

 

You desperately need to boost your self-esteem, it's so low it's in the ground. PLEASE start therapy.

[backto1]

Yea, this guy is being super selfish.

[Nevermind]

Kizik hit the nail on the head.

 

Example: Up until two weeks ago I still had random contact with my ex, who would always (!) mention that 1) he wasn't feeling happy. 2) he still cared about me 3) allude to being together in the future.

 

He was simply playing games and enjoying the ego-boost. Whenever a guy is with a girl and says things like this to an ex then it's about his ego, and his inability to commit. He wants his cake and eat it, too. Maybe he won't physically cheat, but he wants to have the possibility.

 

Stay away from him. Very far away.

[serendip]

Z is currently away on hols and he has cheated on her with me while she was away.

 

While you are not the cheater in this scenario...why would you willingly hurt another person? You know your ex is in a relationship with some poor girl who has no idea...why would you contribute to such a callous act. I can understand if you didn't know he was in the relationship but you do know her(probably more then you like to admit).

 

Morally does this not bother you that you are helping someone cheat?

[Nevermind]

Oh. I didn't read that.

 

Well...have fun with that. You just helped the demise of a relationship and you won't get him back this way either. He cheated with you on his girlfriend, he didn't break up.

 

He doesn't respect you.

[CailinPig]

yes i was expecting all this, i guess i dunno why i asked.

kizik, you've made me feel like a piece of crap, thanks for that. is it so weird that four months after a break up of a 2.5 year relatiosnhip that I'm not over him? you're making me feel like there's something really wrong with me and i need therapy for it. you're making me feel really worried about that.

yes, i helped him cheat guys, i know that. maybe im heartless, but i don't feel anything for his girlfriend for a variety of reasons. i know her well. I know this sounds bad and I realise I'll be attacked for it, thats fine. I would've done the same thing too if I'd heard this months ago before my breakup.

 

Anyway, even though some comments may be a lil negative and all, I still appreciate your comments and judgements. thanx

[kizik]

kizik, you've made me feel like a piece of crap, thanks for that. is it so weird that four months after a break up of a 2.5 year relatiosnhip that I'm not over him? you're making me feel like there's something really wrong with me and i need therapy for it. you're making me feel really worried about that.

 

Listen CP, the goal was not at all to make you feel like crap. I sincerely apologize to have done that. The goal was to make you see how unhealthy he is for you, and that you are hurting yourself deeply by staying in contact with him.

 

You are still in contact because it is familiar, b/c you are afraid, and b/c you have low self-esteem. The only reason you would feel offended or worried at the suggestion of therapy is b/c of how "taboo" therapy is in many cultures. Therapy does not mean you are f*cked up or weird. It it a way to build one's self esteem by talking with someone who does not judge them, as well as see themselves for who they truly are through conversation.

 

You are an intelligent and capable woman, but you are making choices that are damaging your self-image. Your original post asked us to analyze the BF, but in reality what must be analyzed is WHY YOU ARE ALLOWING YOURSELF TO BE TREATED BADLY.

[serendip]

yes, i helped him cheat guys, i know that. maybe im heartless, but i don't feel anything for his girlfriend for a variety of reasons.

 

Just b/c you don't feel anything for his gf does not make it right. It seems your values and morals are based on selfishness.

 

...if you are helping him cheat on his gf...you gotta wonder who was helping him cheat on you when you guys were together

 

most likely it's not his first time

[CailinPig]

Kizik, sorry if I sounded negative towards you or anything, it just made me feel freaked out that I haven't moved on and gotten with someone else yet or something. i get what you're saying. I guess, I really enjoy being around him and I love hearing from him, and although I know it's not a healthy 'relationship/friendship' that we have, I do believe that he wants to see me happy and that he cares about me. I'm possibly wrong, but I don't think so. This is the place I come to, to air my thoughts and that. And I'm starting to feel that my views and my life choices are not welcome here and that maybe I shouldn't bother.

Serendip, he didn't cheat on me, I'm pretty sure about that because of the way he reacted the first time he cheated on his current gf. That said, even though some of you may not believe me, I've always strongly believed that the only person at fault is the cheater, not the person he/she cheated with. That was my opinion before any of this happened. So even if he had cheated on me in the past relationship, no-one 'helped' him cheat, he did it all by himself.

Anyway, thanx for your input. I'm probably going down the wrong path and making the worst decisions here but it doesn't feel that way. I'll learn my lesson I guess.

[kizik]

There's nothing anyone can say or do to help you here. You are going to do whatever you want. Yes, you will learn your lesson. Best of luck.

[vivrantflo]

I do believe that he wants to see me happy and that he cares about me. I'm possibly wrong, but I don't think so.

 

Yeah, you're wrong. He doesn't care about you. If he did, he'd feel awful that you're still pining for him, even though he has a woman. But instead, he keeps you attached by giving you really weak, and crappy lines that you're falling for.

 

 

 

This is the place I come to, to air my thoughts and that. And I'm starting to feel that my views and my life choices are not welcome here and that maybe I shouldn't bother.

 

Don't be like that. Just because the responses are not what you want to hear, doesn't mean you should grab your ball and go home. In case you haven't realized.. people care about your situation, and want you to see the light.. This guy is playin you like an Xbox 360, and we can all see it.

 

And we know you can too.

 

 

 

I've always strongly believed that the only person at fault is the cheater, not the person he/she cheated with. That was my opinion before any of this happened. So even if he had cheated on me in the past relationship, no-one 'helped' him cheat, he did it all by himself.

 

Ok, this is twisted thinking just to accomodate your wants. This would hold water if you DIDN'T know he had a girlfriend.. but since you know, you are now a willing part of a cheating situation.. which is just as bad as cheating.

 

I did the same thing. My ex got a dude two weeks after we broke up.. 2months after that, we had sex. I had the same attitude.. I didn't care about the guy, she's making the choice to cheat. It's really selfish thinking. If you removed yourself from the equation, there would be no cheating at all.. unless HE decides to go hit some other chick behind his GF's back, and that wouldn't be your problem.

 

 

 

I'll learn my lesson I guess.

 

You already have, but you're allowing this mess to continue. This isn't about learning a lesson, it's boils down to how long you're going to take this treatment as being his Plan B and dirty little secret. Once you had enough of being treated like a toy that he plays with when he wants, and that puts away when he has something "better" THEN you'll walk away and realize you deserve so much better.

[sas218]

Dear Cailin,

 

We are in the same situation except that mine doesnt have a new girlfriend, just a friends with benefit thing and I have not been with him since we broke up. All the rest is the same. He plays both sides of the field. How much he cares for me and loves me, but also that he is happy in his life. Blah Blah Blah!! I am just shy of two months without him. So I am still not totally over the whole thing but I have learned a few things. The fact that it has only been four months and he was a big part of your life and obviously you are going to feel the void that this person left. That is normal. I still feel it too. Your ex and mine are both confused. The fact that they both continue to give us hope shows that although they may care for us on some small level it is there own needs that they are thinking of here. Whatever they maybe. The fact is that you want him back as more that just the person he comes to when his girlfriend is away. And you deserve more than that. If he cant see the person he has in you, then he doesnt deserve you. You deserve someone that will take you and give you the love and relationship that you deserve. The fact that he can hurt you and this other girl just proves the value that he sees in both of you. I would say go for NC. They say time heals all wounds and I am truly believing that. I am far from healed but I can see that it has truly lessened each day. Remember that you deserve love!