PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I want to move on, I really do. I should be able to take control of this situation now. I'm at 3 months NC and don't intend to break it, I have no ties to him anymore. I want to spend the next 6 weeks going through the process of moving on and letting go and be done with this chapter of my life. The thing is, I know the buzz words, but don't really know what they mean. Can someone explain what I need to do to achieve 'moving on' and 'letting go'. What's the process? Thank you!
northstar1 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I want to move on, I really do. I should be able to take control of this situation now. I'm at 3 months NC and don't intend to break it, I have no ties to him anymore. I want to spend the next 6 weeks going through the process of moving on and letting go and be done with this chapter of my life. The thing is, I know the buzz words, but don't really know what they mean. Can someone explain what I need to do to achieve 'moving on' and 'letting go'. What's the process? Thank you! Hey Phoenix - If I can ask, how long were you together?
Author PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 We were together 1 month shy of 3 years.
northstar1 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 We were together 1 month shy of 3 years. So quite a long relationship. Although the 3 months seems like eternity, it is not a long time to expect to be fully moved on after dating for 3 years. Things will graduallly fade more and more until you are over it. You are doing the right things, NC will continue to help. Can I ask if you are at the point where you have accepted it is really over? I think that is the turning point for most people. Once they stop holding onto hope that the ex will contact them, or they will miraculously get back together, then they can really begin a new chapter.
Author PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Yeah, I know it's over. He's in a relationship with the girl he left me for and is happy, and I am trying to date - although unsuccesfully! Nothing serious for me, just meeting new people, I don't want a relationship right now. I would be on the rebound. Memories just pop into my head often. They don't make me cry anymore, or even sad. Most make me smile now, but if I find myself reminicing I do seek out a distraction. I don't think it's good in the long run. I think about him too much though, dream about him, and obsess over 'them' occasionally. I want to stop, but it's not always conscious. I suppose it's the thinking I need to stop. There just doesn't seem to be a switch for that. Coming here sometimes feels like it just reminds me of him so I don't have the chance to forget. His phone number deleted, his email deleted, photos etc... all boxed up in the attic. That's the easy bit. I can't box up the thoughts in my head though.
northstar1 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Yeah, I know it's over. He's in a relationship with the girl he left me for and is happy, and I am trying to date - although unsuccesfully! Nothing serious for me, just meeting new people, I don't want a relationship right now. I would be on the rebound. Memories just pop into my head often. They don't make me cry anymore, or even sad. Most make me smile now, but if I find myself reminicing I do seek out a distraction. I don't think it's good in the long run. I think about him too much though, dream about him, and obsess over 'them' occasionally. I want to stop, but it's not always conscious. I suppose it's the thinking I need to stop. There just doesn't seem to be a switch for that. Coming here sometimes feels like it just reminds me of him so I don't have the chance to forget. His phone number deleted, his email deleted, photos etc... all boxed up in the attic. That's the easy bit. I can't box up the thoughts in my head though. All natural Phoenix - he was part of your life for a good portion of time. And yes, you probably are not ready to date yet and that is also natural. I too still think of my ex a lot, and dream of her, and I wake up some mornings in a really bad state - but we do get up and get on with our lives, because we have to live for ourselves. You seem to have done everything right, NC, boxing up all reminders of him you can. All you can do is keep busy and do things for you, set some short term goals (ie. learning photography, running a race, taking lessons of some kind) and reconnect with friends/family. The thoughts will be there, but they will wane over time (you just can't see this yet).
kizik Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Moving on and letting go - accepting in your mind and heart that the person was toxic to you, that he or she is not going to ask for another chance, that that person changed you for the worse, that they actively or passively brought down your self esteem. Letting go of hope, letting go of painful memories, letting go of desire to get back together b/c you have seen them for who they really are. Letting go of negative thought processes - I'm so worthless, how could anyone love me, I'll never love again, no one finds me attractive. Moving on from the dreams you created, from the life you had planned, moving on from contacting that person, moving on from letting their affect your emotions and your life.
northstar1 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Moving on and letting go - accepting in your mind and heart that the person was toxic to you, that he or she is not going to ask for another chance, that that person changed you for the worse, that they actively or passively brought down your self esteem. Letting go of hope, letting go of painful memories, letting go of desire to get back together b/c you have seen them for who they really are. Letting go of negative thought processes - I'm so worthless, how could anyone love me, I'll never love again, no one finds me attractive. Moving on from the dreams you created, from the life you had planned, moving on from contacting that person, moving on from letting their affect your emotions and your life. Halleluelah!!!! Moving on is when the person decides to move across the planet and stay there for a long long time, instead of building on your relationship back home, so you realize you are on two different paths and you accept that.
Nevermind Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 (I slightly disagree with kizik. But only when it comes to dealing with normal break-ups, without cheating or abuse involved.) You don't have to hate the ex. They don't have to have been toxic for you, or bad at all. You "simply" need to accept that they decided to go a different path in life. Moving on means not looking back all the time anymore. And this is best done without emotions. Your self-worth does not depend on another human being, nor on your relationship status. The person you have been with is part of your past now. They helped form the person you are now. You should love this person, yourself. Allow yourself time to reflect on the reasons why the relationship ended. If you see room for improvement on your behalf, try to work on yourself. Don't be overly critical and never forget to make yourself feel good. Imagine your love life as a path through a landscape. Sometimes this path splits and you have to chose one side to travel on. Look forward to all the great things that lie ahead of you. You don't know what the other side would have offered you, but wondering about it will not allow you to enjoy the beauty that lies before you. The path you walk is your life, the path you didn't walk are the "what if's and what could have been's".
kizik Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 (I slightly disagree with kizik. But only when it comes to dealing with normal break-ups, without cheating or abuse involved.) My breakup was "normal." No cheating, abuse, etc. You should love this person, yourself. No way. Continuing to "love" them is merely a way of keeping from moving on. NM, I see in a lot of your posts a tendency to defend this guy. Sure, he doesn't have to be an abusive A-hole, but damn, wake up and stop idealizing him. If he was so great, he would have made you feel loved and he'd still be with you. So many people on this site insist on "loving" their exes... why? So you can hang on to someone's idea of you, so you can continue to think of yourself as a victim? You have to be angry, you have to dislike them. And f*ck how "you should love them." Of course you don't have to hate them. But if your idea of them does not change after the break-up, YOU haven't learned anything and you continue to have low self-esteem.
v33 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I think it is possible to have "moved on" yet still think of the person or dream about them once in a while. It's when these thoughts become just that : thoughts. Not an obsession. Now if these thoughts and dreams are interfering with your happiness and daily life then perhaps you aren't quite over it yet. I mean, if someone hurt you, betrayed you, etc... you are going to feel at least somewhat annoyed with them for a good long time, but that doesn't mean you are still a slave to the past. Oh course accepting the facts that they are gone and not coming back is the first step. Then if possible keeping them out of your life, avoiding contact, not looking a pictures or reading letters etc. This helps things become more of a distant memory than a painful reality. It takes time, but you will get your emotional distance from these feelings.
northstar1 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 (I slightly disagree with kizik. But only when it comes to dealing with normal break-ups, without cheating or abuse involved.) You don't have to hate the ex. They don't have to have been toxic for you, or bad at all. You "simply" need to accept that they decided to go a different path in life. Moving on means not looking back all the time anymore. And this is best done without emotions. Your self-worth does not depend on another human being, nor on your relationship status. The person you have been with is part of your past now. They helped form the person you are now. You should love this person, yourself. Allow yourself time to reflect on the reasons why the relationship ended. If you see room for improvement on your behalf, try to work on yourself. Don't be overly critical and never forget to make yourself feel good. Imagine your love life as a path through a landscape. Sometimes this path splits and you have to chose one side to travel on. Look forward to all the great things that lie ahead of you. You don't know what the other side would have offered you, but wondering about it will not allow you to enjoy the beauty that lies before you. The path you walk is your life, the path you didn't walk are the "what if's and what could have been's". This I can agree with - but it really depends on the circumstance of the breakup. In my case, we ended up on different paths. I may not agree with her choices, or think them to be sound decisions in the grand scheme of things, but I certainly cannot hold ill will towards her. If someone cheats on you, or treated you with little respect - then I think it's perfectly fine to not want to hold them fondly in your mind. As long as it doesn't comsume you the point of being something you can't let go of.
Nevermind Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Kizik: They helped form the person you are now. You should love this person, yourself. With "this person" I meant yourself, the person you have become. I was trying to say that you need to focus on your own worth. My English is a bit weak today, sorry. Btw, my ex was an abusive a**hole, very much so. I just don't have a hating disposition. It would require an effort on my part, and he doesn't deserve that. The opposite to love, in my case, is indifference. If I come off as if I was defending him, then I must work hard on my power of expression. I don't, I just want to learn a lot about myself from this experience. northstar: That's why I included: I slightly disagree with kizik. But only when it comes to dealing with normal break-ups, without cheating or abuse involved.I completely agree with you on this.
sunshinegirl Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I think in the short term hatred and anger can be useful emotions to help you disengage and fall out of love...such strong negative feelings, IMO, can help accelerate the moving on process. Get them off the pedestal, help you realize you deserve more, etc. Holding on to hatred and anger over the long term isn't helpful or good, however - it prevents you from ultimately moving on. My friends and I like to talk about reaching the "enlightened state of indifference" with exes: where you REALLY don't care one way or another about their lives. I think there's room within that indifference space for fondness or even vestiges of love. But again, by then your life is fabulous and different and they are irrelevant to your happiness. Kiz, you have well and good found your anger! It's bordering on scary. But it seems to be helping you right now; I think that's good.
orangesean Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I like this topic, especially the original questions from PheonixfromtheFlames. I've been thinking about this a lot recently about getting over your ex. I'm not so positive you can just do that completely, ever. You are always going to have your happy memories and the reasons you were with them in the first place. Whether or not you were right together sometimes goes debated internally, like did we just screw up somewhere along the way or was it sabotaged from the get go? And this is the stuff I think about a lot, and I also have only had 3 months from my breakup with my ex of 4 years. I do light contact to clear up matters like the apartment we used to share, owed money, etc. I'm not rude, she sometimes gets rude about it, and I try to be fair and I don't hate her. The weird thing is, the relationship me and my ex had was abusive, physically and emotionally. I messed up and hit her once and pushed her a few times. She hit me many times. I mean there's nothing to do to take anything back, the bad words we said, the yelling matches, the roller coaster, but I guess I don't hate her at all and I have a lot of regret as well. I think we were both just really immature to handle all the commitment. So it was toxic, I hope people don't hate me for how I treated my ex, as there were some great times along with all the clashes, that's probably what kept our abusive relationship together for so long. I don't know how my ex feels. I have a gut feeling she is very angry at me for maybe wasting so much of her time. I can only apologize so much until she has to take responsiblity that there was a lot in our relationship that wasn't only my fault. I wish she didn't carry anger toward me, I've been making huge strides since then and have attended therapy, trying to fix my anger, depression, and anxiety. The anger is nearly dead, it's easier to control and take care of, especially since I don't get all that angry in the first place until I hit a certain point of no return. The anxiety usually leads to depression which will pull out the box of bad and wonderful memories I store in my head and it's such a potent mixture I can't stop crying sometimes. It's hard to get rid of your feelings for anyone fully. I've had best friends I haven't talked to for 4 years become my best friend all over again, more than one time. And you are just like, "why did we stop being friends in the first place?" Maybe it's different with someone you were intimate with, or lived with and that can't ever be rekindled as it got too deep and too damaged. I'm not saying I want her back, but I'm worried about my residual feelings of attachment. Because there is this new girl I met, or I did know as an acquaintance since high school. And it just so happens we both were out of relationships and talking and hanging out for long periods of time turned to something more. I think I seriously like this new girl beyond belief for everything she is and I'm completely sure it is not a rebound situation, as that opportunity did arise before her. But what bothers me is sometimes I'll be in a situation with the new girl and then I'll find myself thinking of what my ex would do if she were right there. Or sometimes I just act the way I think my ex would want me to. Like I lose track and trail off into those memories , although even before we were dating I stopped thinking about my ex so much and I thought I was okay. I think it's easier to build up your self worth alone and love yourself than to start making a life with someone else. But I think in the end a happy relationship is always worth it. Although sometimes those seem extremely scare these days.
Trialbyfire Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Anger and hatred is the knife that cuts the umbilical cord. Acceptance and letting go cauterizes the wound and allows it to finally heal.
kizik Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Kiz, you have well and good found your anger! It's bordering on scary. It's not scary. Aren't we supposed to be able to be candid and honest on this site? I can quote you several others users on LS who describe a hatred that involves violence towards their ex. I respect you, SSG, but I'm not your target. Forgive me for getting my grievances out.
sunshinegirl Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 It's not scary. Aren't we supposed to be able to be candid and honest on this site? I can quote you several others users on LS who describe a hatred that involves violence towards their ex. I respect you, SSG, but I'm not your target. Forgive me for getting my grievances out. I was being fecetious, my friend. Did you notice the emoticon?
kizik Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Fair enough. That stuff doesn't often translate through type. :I
v33 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Kiz is no longer "Mr. Nice Guy!" Bravo! Welcome to the era of the integrated male!
kizik Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Hey V, reading that ebook, it's great. You know, I don't feel like Mr. Nice Guy anymore, but I haven't been tested yet. You know? I think the test will come once I start dating someone and they challenge me in some way that is offensive. Does that make sense? -J
northstar1 Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Hey V, reading that ebook, it's great. You know, I don't feel like Mr. Nice Guy anymore, but I haven't been tested yet. You know? I think the test will come once I start dating someone and they challenge me in some way that is offensive. Does that make sense? -J Hey Kiz Got a link for that?
kizik Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 North, PM me your email, and I will share the love as v33 has shared it for me. K
foxh1234 Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 North, PM me your email, and I will share the love as v33 has shared it for me. K Email it to me Kiz, if you don't mind.
Author PhoenixFromTheFlames Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 I am in touch with all the emotions you guys mention, they cycle round: love, hate, anger, fear, regret .... but none ever sticks. It's as though I can only think of him as three different people. Guy number one: The guy I wanted to spend my life with, the one who always made me laugh etc... The one I regret losing, the one I want back. The one who had all the qualities I look for in a guy. I find it hard to think badly of him. All the positive emotions are attached to him. Guy number two: The 'dumper', the guy who hurt and humiliated me. The one who left for someone else. The one I no longer respect, the one I hate and feel anger for, the one I am so disappointed in. The negative emotions are attached to this guy. Guy number three: This is the guy he is now. The guy he is with her. He is a mystery to me, but when I think of him, it's a mixture of indifference and concern. Is he ok, how is he coping with everything that has happened. It's also a bit like I want to meet guy number 3 one day. I wonder if this guy ever feels regret, I wonder if he would be impressed if he saw me now and the changes I have made etc... I wonder who my wonderful guy has become. I flit between these guys in my daily thoughts, but never seem to fuse them together into one person. I'm not crazy, honest! The way it ended was sudden (for me) and up until D-day, he was consistently guy number one. One day (d-day) guy number 2 came out, and there's been no real contact since. When I think of him in the present, he has to be guy number 3, becuase guy number one wouldn't have done any of this, and guy number 2 was momentary. I find it hard to see that guy numbers 2 and 3 were lurking underneath all that time and I didn't know they existed. I'm confused. Anyone else feel like this? Or can relate to the mental gymnastics above?
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