jealous over the dumbest things

[lexi29]

I have a problem with jealousy/insecurity and I don't know how to solve it. My fiance lives in a duplex. This woman who is 42 (he is 30) lives above him. He has lived there for about six months and he's never really talked to her much except if she says hello. She is home bound and hardly ever leaves her house. She doesn't work and the only visitors she ever has are her parents. We met her when we first looked at the apartment. She has made some strange comments about how she loves hearing his son and another weird incident was she sat on the other side of the wall on her stairs (right next to the wall of his living room) and sounded like she was using a vibrator and she was moaning. She has 2 bedrooms upstairs, so why would she sit in the only place my fiance could hear her??? I don't think she knew I was there at the time.

 

My fiance has always made sort of negative comments about her- she is overweight somewhat and she never leaves the house and she screams a lot and is up all hours of the night, moving furniture or talking on the phone so he thinks she is odd. The time when we thought she was masterbating on the stairs outside his living room he was grossed out by.

 

Anyway we are having a 4th of July party and he suggested we invite her because she lives upstairs and everyone will be out in the yard so its rude not to tell her about it. So I invited her and she said thanks. (its her yard too). Over the last six months I have tried to be nice to her (I noticed there were bees that had a nest right underneath her door. I sprayed the nest to kill them and told her about it. She didnt even say thanks even though I found out she was allergic to bees. I have also said hello to her whenever I see her (which isn't often since she hardly ever leaves the house). But I've noticed that she seems very animated when she talks to my fiance. She will say hello and try to chat with him and he usually just mumbles hi or blows her off.

 

Well yesterday I was at his place with his son waiting for my fiance to get home from work. His son and I were having a great time and the neighbor woman's father (the landlord) was there and she and him were sitting on the porch. Now her father, the landlord is very nice and I wanted to say hello to him. My fiance and I are looking to buy a house and he asked the landlord if he would let him out of his lease early to do this and the landlord was very nice and agreed. Well anyway his son adn I went outside to say hello and the neighbor woman had a cat on a leash and my fiance's son loves cats and wanted to pet it. We ended up sitting on the porch with them the rest of the evening.

 

 

This woman told me she has no social skills because she doesn't really talk to anyone anymore since she's been home bound. I tried to put her at ease and my fiance's son talked her ear off!!! I talked to her about her cats and she would respond to me with just one-word answers. I mentioned about getting married (usually women love to talk about this) and she didn't even acknowledge I said anything. She was mostly taken with my fiance's son as he just went on and on about everything (he loves talking to new people). My fiance came home and the woman started talking to him as well (I had been sitting there for about 2 hours trying to talk to her and now all of a sudden she wants to talk but not to me, to my fiance). I mean she did say a few things to me, but only answering my questions. She NEVER asked me one thing about myself, not about where I worked or about the wedding or about my cats (she had cats so I told her I do too) or anything. Honestly, even though my fiance called me by my name, HER dad knows my name and called me by it TWICE, and my fiance's son called my by name several times. 4 hours later I don't think this woman knows my name because she referred to me (talking to my fiance's son) as HER and pointed to me.

 

She called both my fiance and his son by their names though. My fiance sat out there with us and soon he was telling her stories about growing up - about a snake he had and other pets he had as a child. Also things about where he works and just basically telling stories. It was odd because my fiance HATES talking to new people. He hates small talk and all of that. (of course he was telling stories about himself so maybe thats different). I actually felt ignored because his son was so happy talking to her and then my fiance was telling her stories (that I've already heard) and not really paying attention to me or talking to me) I was the one who wanted to be nice and talk to this woman and it just seemed she wasn't really interested in being friendly with me but was plenty interested in being friendly with my fiance and his son! She wasnt' flirting or anything like that but she turned her chair toward him, she took her hair down. She complimented him on being such a good dad.

 

 

Its probably my insecurities from the past (my fiance who was then my bf left me for an ex we both befriended ) but I just feel that this woman is not interested in talking to us as a family but just to my fiance and his son. I mean her dad said more to me in the 20 minutes I talked to him, then she did in the 4 hours we were all on the porch together. And I TRIED to talk to her. It wasn't that she was rude, just disintersted. And she said some strange things to me. Told me she hadn't done laundry since we moved in (6 months!) She said she never goes out so she can wear the same clothes a lot and that she owns a lot of clothes. I laughed and told her wow and I thought I had a lot of clothes! And she told me she loved hearing my fiance's son and the noises he makes (he's 9) and I told her we were worried that sometimes he is too loud and that it will bother her and she said no actually if she didn't hear him every day she would probably call child services on us because she'd think something was wrong???

 

When I left my fiance last night I actually cried because I was so distressed over the situation. I just felt like she is someone I need to worry about because I felt like she rejected me but was all too happy to talk to my fiance and his son. How can I stop being so jealous and insecure? I mean this is ridiculous!

[Stockalone]

To be honest, she sounds like a woman who has nothing (at least not much) to live for.

 

She is in her 40ies, lives at a place owned by her parents (for free?), she has no job and doesn't seem to have friends.

 

Maybe she is "ignoring" you because it is painful for her to talk to another woman who is getting married and is in a happy relationship? My guess is she would be ignoring all women, and it has nothing to do with who you are.

 

Maybe she enjoys talking to your fiance's son and likes to have him around and hear him play, because she likes children and never had the chance to have some of her own and given her age and lifestyle probably never will.

 

I understand that you don't like to be ignored. You made an effort to talk to her and she was dismissive, But I see no reason to feel insecure or jealous in this situation. Given what you have written about that women, I think you should rather feel pity for her.

[lexi29]

To be honest, she sounds like a woman who has nothing (at least not much) to live for.

 

She is in her 40ies, lives at a place owned by her parents (for free?), she has no job and doesn't seem to have friends.

 

Maybe she is "ignoring" you because it is painful for her to talk to another woman who is getting married and is in a happy relationship? My guess is she would be ignoring all women, and it has nothing to do with who you are.

 

Maybe she enjoys talking to your fiance's son and likes to have him around and hear him play, because she likes children and never had the chance to have some of her own and given her age and lifestyle probably never will.

 

I understand that you don't like to be ignored. You made an effort to talk to her and she was dismissive, But I see no reason to feel insecure or jealous in this situation. Given what you have written about that women, I think you should rather feel pity for her.

 

 

I do feel sorry for her situation (she has MS and is on disability) but I didn't try to be nice because I pittied her. I just talked to her because its neighborly (we will be moving soon anyway). I see your point about her not wanting to talk about a wedding or anything, but she has 3 cats (and had one on the porch on a leash that my fiance's son kept petting) and I even tried to talk to her about her cats and share some stories about the funny things my cats do and she would respond or laugh then just cut the conversation off and start listening to my fiance's son or start a convo with my fiance. She wasn't down right rude but just dismisive toward me. And overly interested in what my fiance and his son had to say. For example she said she hated snakes ,but my fiance told her a story about a guy from work who used to have a python and how he used to have black rat snake and she just asked all these questions and acted like it was the most interesting thing ever.

 

I guess I just felt ignored because I was the one who made the first move to be friendly and my fiance could have cared less about this woman or her feelings and yet she acts like she loves talking to him and I am an annoyance to her. This combined with her little performance with the vibrator and loud moaning a few months ago right outside the door that separates the two apartments (where she KNEW my fiance could hear her) just makes me uncomfortable. Usually when one is befriending a couple they talk more to the same sex half of the couple and are friendly to the opposite sex half but don't usually "buddy up" to them. I do understand that she enjoys being around his son and thats fine but she was asking him questions about if his mom saw him very often and would ask him stuff about his dad but didnt' seem to acknowledge that I am part of the "family" too. I guess I feel jealous or threatened because another woman "took" my partner away from me (I know it was about HIM and not me) and now another woman is expressing all this interest in my fiance and his son and she lives there and I don't. She can talk to him any time she wants to (and I'm not around) and even though I'm the one who reached out in friendship to her she just doesn't seem to want anything to do with me.

[quankanne]

lexi – you can expend energy getting yourself more and more upset over the situation, or you can keep it in perspective, therefore keeping a handle on your feelings. From what you wrote, my guess is that this woman has no social skills around other women, but feels more comfortable with men. Maybe because she's more used to them? Because she doesn't feel like she's in competition with them? Something?

 

I've got a relative who reminds me of this woman. She's very outgoing, but tends to focus on men more than woman, almost as if there's a competition to be "better" than those other women even though there's no competition involved on their side. She's just wired to socialize with guys. And her daughter has unconsciously picked up on that – sometimes she badmouthes other gals, sometimes not, but her demeanor with females is way different than that of with males. You learn to look past that after awhile.

 

I agree that the moaning bit is pretty gross, but aside from that, she sounds harmless. It might take you awhile to figure out what you have in common that will get her to communicate with you, but don't drive yourself nuts in the meantime. Your honey's gonna be out of that place soon enough, and you won't have to deal with her after that. Just be gracious whenever you see her, and leave it at that. It's not worth the energy making yourself upset over someone not wired to socialize with women.

[Stockalone]

I didn't mean to imply that you talked to her because you pittied her. What I meant is that given her situation, she might be lonely and you remind her of that. You are healthy, you have a man that loves you, you are getting married.

 

It seems like she has none of those things and talking to you or every other woman (regardless of the topic; be it weddings or cats) might remind her of what she doesn't have and maybe never will have.

 

Obviously, that wouldn't justify ignoring you, but if that were the reason, I could understand it to some degree.

 

 

She can talk to him any time she wants to (and I'm not around) and even though I'm the one who reached out in friendship to her she just doesn't seem to want anything to do with me.

 

You can't expect everyone to like you. I think it is very nice of you that you took the time and talked to her. There could be lots of reasons why she was dismissive. She could simply not like you too much. I am a fairly reclusive person myself and I am sometimes brusque towards my friend's gf's. I am not very good at interacting with women, maybe she is more comfortable around men and not women (even though she is a woman herself).

 

Or it could be that you are able to do the things she can't. That doesn't necessarily mean that she is jealous of you or that she doesn't want you to have those things.

 

The thing is, I think you are giving this too much thought. You were friendly, she didn't show you the same courtesy. Your fiance is moving out in the foreseeable future. You did nothing wrong here. Don't let it bother you.

[Isis1808]

I agree with Stockalone, i think you did good by trying to befriend her, after that its up to her to postively react to this. But since she didnt, dont beat yourself up about this. She might just not get along with women as well as with men, this doesnt say anything about you. Dont let this bother you at all, your fiance doesnt seem like he pays much attention to her, so theres no need for you to be insecure or jealous. Just brush it off. Dont let lil things like this bother you, this should be the happiest time for you right now, being with someone who loves you and your wedding, dont worry about her, be happy with your man sweety.

[2sunny]

i think you're thinking about it too much!

 

what difference does it make whether or not she's being nice/not being nice to any of you?

 

some folks are just socially inept. take it for what it is. she's going to be nice and friendly with your SO and his son and not to you...

 

women do this all the time... it is a sort of power play. ignore it and go on and be happy.

 

also, there is no use in trying to make an effort with someone of this sort - she has allowed you to understand her agenda... follow her lead and acknowledge that she doesn't care to have a conversation with you.

 

the reason for your frustration is the amount of energy you extended in trying to talk with her... next time - no energy=no hurt feelings for having tried so hard.

 

just say hello and go on about your day.

[lexi29]

You guys all right- I'm just thinking about this too much. I guess I was hurt that I was nice to her and she just seemed so dismissive of me. I am better at making friends with men as well (just more comfortable) but I don't alienate women in the process either. My fiance has made negative comments about her and laughed at her behind her back and she seems to think him and his son are the best thing ever. And the thing with the vibrator bugs me because she KNEW that when he moved in that he was with me because she met both of us together when we looked at the apartment. Did she think it was going to turn him on and he was going to knock on her door and want to have sex with her? She had offered to watch my fiance's son for him while he's at work and he blew her off and privately told me he'd never let her watch him.

 

I guess I am just afraid now that she is comfortable with them (we were out there for 4 hours and she didn't go inside even after I left my fiance later told me) and she told my fiance she is definately coming to our picnic on the 4th because she can't wait to meet his family! He told me it was weird because she asked him if only family was invited to the picnic and he said yeah mine are coming but Lexi's family doesn't live around here and she said "who's Lexi" (after my name was mentioned about 20 times in front of her and her dad even knows my name) and he told her I'm his fiance and she said "why would I care if Lexi's parents are going to be there? I want to meet yours."

 

I'm just afraid that maybe now she is comfortable talking to them and will want to hang out on the porch every night and talk to them even when I'm not there. And I'm just not comfortable with that. If she doesn't want to be decent to me then she doesn't really have any business talking to my fiance or his son on a regular basis either because we are a package deal. I just get the feeling her intentions aren't good and I hate feeling that way.

[norajane]

You need to get a grip. It doesn't matter what her intentions are. The only thing that matters is your fiancee's intentions, and he doesn't seem to care at all about her except as a weird neighbor. You're the one turning this into a freak-out for no reason.

 

You're getting married. Be happy and stop worrying about things you can't change and really have no real impact on your life at all.

[lexi29]

Yes, I do need to get a grip. I am just so uncomfortable with the situation (and stressed out about things related to my job) that I am ready to burst into tears with no warning. It's like my nerves are just raw and my emotions are heightened. I know that my fiance does not have bad intentions concerning the neighbor woman. But it bothers me that her intentions might not be honorable and yet my fiance and his son may continue to hang out with her and become close friends with her. This bothers me because if I was hanging out with a guy (and this has happened before) and he knew I was in a relationship and yet he wanted to date me or wanted me to cheat on my partner, out of respect for my partner I would cut that guy out of my life or at least avoid him as much as possible.

 

Now I can't control my fiance or his son (and don't want to) but I dont' feel comfortable with them becoming close with someone who disrepects my relationship with them. and it bugs me that I was the one who was nice to her while his son and him laughed at her behind her back and said negative things about her and she is all nice and sweet to them and ignores my kindness.

 

If it was just someone who would say hi when she saw them or something I wouldnt' care. But she is all excited about meeting his family at our picnic tomorrow and she almost acts like she is courting him and I am the annoying girlfriend that she wants out of the picture! lol. I guess I am just not comfortable with my fiance talking to another woman who doesn't seem to respect our relationship.

[norajane]

I know that my fiance does not have bad intentions concerning the neighbor woman. But it bothers me that her intentions might not be honorable and yet my fiance and his son may continue to hang out with her and become close friends with her. This bothers me because if I was hanging out with a guy (and this has happened before) and he knew I was in a relationship and yet he wanted to date me or wanted me to cheat on my partner, out of respect for my partner I would cut that guy out of my life or at least avoid him as much as possible.

 

Now I can't control my fiance or his son (and don't want to) but I dont' feel comfortable with them becoming close with someone who disrepects my relationship with them.

 

Then your issue is with your fiancee and not with HER. He's the one you need to talk with and explain how you are feeling and ask him to step back. He will meet plenty of women throughout his lifetime who will be interested in him. That matters not at all if HE is loyal to you. So if you think he's being disloyal, then tell him how you're feeling.

 

But be prepared for him to look at you like you've lost your mind since he is clearly not remotely interested in her.

[lexi29]

Oh and he told me she was showing him pictures last night after I left of what she looked like when she was in her 20's. he said she looked totally different and attractive. Why do women do this? My fiance's ex gave him pictures of her when they were dating. They were her senior pictures from high school!!!! 10 years later and she looked nothing like those pictures. I didn't even recognize her. She had gained about 50 lbs and her hair wasn't blonde anymore and her facial features didnt' really even look the same anymore. Another girl he dated did this too. Only she gave him pictures from 2 years before (and she looked totally different too) Why would you give pictures of yourself that are from years ago and dont even look like you now?? I can understand if you've gained some weight or something you want the person to see you when you looked your best. But wouldnt' showing someone pictures of how "hot" you were a few years ago just make it even more obvious how different (in a bad way) that you look today?

 

I'm (unfortunately or fortunately whichever way you look at it) one of those people that got better looking the older I got. I was a huge mess in high school (braces, glasses, super skinny, out of control hair, zits etc) and grew out of all that into someone who's not too bad to look at. I would NEVER show anyone my old pictures (unless for a laugh) and I would never give a new boyfriend a picture of me from a few years before we started dating. Even though I've looked pretty much the same for the last 10 years. The length of my hair would be different etc so I would give him a recent picture of what I looked like at the time. Thats a whole other tangent I've gone off on but I just thought it was strange that the neighbor would be showing my fiance pictures of what she used to look like.

[2sunny]

if it makes you that uncomfortable - then move! simple as that.

 

the real question is why are you thinking about this and letting it bother you? are you really that insecure?

 

that is something to give consideration to - there will always - ALWAYS! be women in the world that will treat you this way around your man. how you react to it is very telling about your own self worth and your relationship with him.

 

you are not experiencing what one would consider a healthy reaction. look inside yourself to find out... no need to have any further discussion with STBH over this. men hate hearing about all this stuff.

[lexi29]

Then your issue is with your fiancee and not with HER. He's the one you need to talk with and explain how you are feeling and ask him to step back. He will meet plenty of women throughout his lifetime who will be interested in him. That matters not at all if HE is loyal to you. So if you think he's being disloyal, then tell him how you're feeling.

 

But be prepared for him to look at you like you've lost your mind since he is clearly not remotely interested in her.

\

 

Well thats the thing I am worried about and why I said I get jealous over the dumbest things. I THOUGHT he was not even remotely interested in her from his behavior (has basically ignored her for the last six months) and the negative comments he's made about her. But then out of nowhere (and when we are looking to move out) he wants to invite her to our picnic to be nice. Which is fine but he never cared about being nice before. And then my fiance- who is somewhat antisocial- does not like meeting new people and hates small talk- the guy who lives next door came over and bsed with him for an hour once and my fiance about screamed when the neighbor left because he said it was torture to stand there and listen to the neighbor's stories etc. At his son's birthday party he didnt' greet any of the kids parents, he didn't speak to his brothers' wives, he talked to me, his mom, his son and his two brothers and thats it. All people he is comfortable with.

 

And then last night he goes out of his way (didn't even eat dinner he was so busy talking) to tell her stories about his child hood and confide things about his son's mother and it just made me jealous that he was paying so much attention to the neighbor and it felt like they were both ignoring me. LIke I was a 3rd wheel or something.

[lexi29]

Yes, I am insecure. his past actions have made me that way and I am trying to get over it. That is why I am posting here to see if this is a normal reaction or a crazy one. Yep, seems to be a crazy one. I just don't understand why if someone treats one half of a couple badly or dissmisively why they don't get automatically cut of their lives. I would never disrespect any of my guy friends' girlfriends or act like I don't want them around because they are part of my friend's life and if I want to hang out with him then I have to accept her too.

[norajane]

And then last night he goes out of his way (didn't even eat dinner he was so busy talking) to tell her stories about his child hood and confide things about his son's mother and it just made me jealous that he was paying so much attention to the neighbor and it felt like they were both ignoring me. LIke I was a 3rd wheel or something.

 

Ah, there it is. That's why you're so wound up over this woman.

 

As I said, your issue is not with her, it's with him. You don't trust him.

[lexi29]

I was looking back over this thread and thought I would update! I laugh now at how worked up I was over this issue. This neighbor lady came to our 4th of July picnic and mostly talked to my fiance's sister's boyfriend. Didnt' really interact with my fiance's mom or sister so I guess she just doesn't like talking to new woman and prefers men. Also while it was a great day with my fiance's family and with friends, this woman hasn't been seen or heard from since July 4th! She just stays in her upstairs apartment and hasn't come out since (except to see her dad). So all my worries about her talking to my fiance and his son every night were just ridiculous. She hasnt' talked to them (or me) since the 4th.