ZenSilk Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 There are great results from moving on and letting go... I was holding on to this wishful thinking forever. But now I'm moving on and I like the outcome so much! I feel like I've gone a big step towards being the person I want to be. There are great results from this process: * I now have regular contact with my brother, who I was very much estranged from. * I also now manage to be regularly in contact with good friends who live far from here. * I started doing yoga. * I have rediscovered reading as a way to spend time with myself. * I'm less afraid to say what I think. * I don't need constant reassurance or attention from other people. * I feel like I can be myself in a group of people without fear of judgement. Also, I have been able to redefine the way I think about men. For the longest time, I was looking for a partner who'd tell me who I am, instead of answering that myself and discovering the qualities I actually want in a partner. I thought I had found the person who would be my perfect partner but I was so wrong: * I want a partner, not a dad or psychoanalyst. I don't want my partner to tell me how I should live my life. * I want someone who doesn't always think he's right. * I'd like to find someone who's able to acknowledge that he doesn't have everything under control. * I want someone who isn't scared to feel. * I don't want someone to tell me how great a woman I am, I want them to step up and be there for me. This actually scares me quite a bit but I'm determined to go through with it.
Nevermind Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 This is great, Zensilk! I admire how strong you came out off this. May I ask, did you begin the progress out of spite for your ex? Did you try to prove him wrong? Or did you start it to do yourself good?
Trialbyfire Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 It's wonderful to see people move on, especially in a positive manner! Thanks for the update!
sunshinegirl Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 * I want someone who doesn't always think he's right. * I'd like to find someone who's able to acknowledge that he doesn't have everything under control. * I want someone who isn't scared to feel. * I don't want someone to tell me how great a woman I am, I want them to step up and be there for me. Wow - these also hold very true for me.
Author ZenSilk Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 This is great, Zensilk! I admire how strong you came out off this. May I ask, did you begin the progress out of spite for your ex? Did you try to prove him wrong? Or did you start it to do yourself good? Actually, this wasn't even my ex... but a really close friend that I got very emotionally attached to, for a really long time, in an almost unhealthy way... I fell for him pretty hard, things heated up quite a bit but at the end he decided he didn't want a relationship with me. This came as a blow because of all the emotions I had invested and the hopes and wishes I was projecting on him... also because of the emotional dependence I had already developed. I began the process exclusively for myself. I don't believe in proving him wrong, because his reasons have as much to do with himself and where he is in his life as with me and where I am in my life. Realizing this was actually what allowed me to move on, as I could see the rejection as something that results from an emotional incompatibility... I never did anything out of spite, not even when I was extremely mad at him, because I still respect him as a person and even as a friend. Rather, the problem has been to be more skeptic and get rid of the idealization, which is why I posted the list of things that *I* want from a partner... and he can't give me!
Author ZenSilk Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 It's wonderful to see people move on, especially in a positive manner! Thanks for the update! Actually, I forgot to post one of the biggest improvements... I've even been out for coffee with a guy, a couple of times now. And this is big for me because I'm trying to break the pattern of getting emotionally attached to unavailable men. I never took those men seriously who showed a genuine interest in me. Somehow I'm extremely skeptical in those situations, and even scared... but I'm just fed up with my old pattern.
Author ZenSilk Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Wow - these also hold very true for me. sunshine - I've been reading your posts on this other thread: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=157010&page=8 and I see that there are similarities with the way we look at men we get attached to. I too get lost in my empathy and can excuse pretty much everything. So it's quite some work for me to concentrate on the things that actually do me good, and stop putting up with other stuff. I too believe in the potential of people to develop into a great person. But now I'm gonna start to look more at what a person is actually prepared to give me. This also has to do with starting to believe that I'm actually worth it...
sunshinegirl Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 This also has to do with starting to believe that I'm actually worth it... Yeah, funny the similaries we have. For me, though, I don't think it's rooted in self-esteem problems ("I'm not worth it, I don't deserve more"), which is the leap sometimes people make when they hear my details. It's not that I don't think I deserve more from romantic partners; I think it's that I am revisiting past family patterns in an attempt to fix those old wounds - or that I simply don't know differently, or know what else is possible in a romantic relationship. I would say my self-esteem in everyday life is very much intact - I have no trouble standing up for myself in any other professional or personal situation, and my life is quite rich and diverse in other ways. But again, maybe I'm getting hung up on semantics - maybe I am trying to win approval from unavailable people and that right there is the self-esteem angle. *shrug* Either way, this is a pattern I want to break.
Author ZenSilk Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Yeah, funny the similaries we have. For me, though, I don't think it's rooted in self-esteem problems ("I'm not worth it, I don't deserve more"), which is the leap sometimes people make when they hear my details. It's not that I don't think I deserve more from romantic partners; I think it's that I am revisiting past family patterns in an attempt to fix those old wounds - or that I simply don't know differently, or know what else is possible in a romantic relationship. I would say my self-esteem in everyday life is very much intact - I have no trouble standing up for myself in any other professional or personal situation, and my life is quite rich and diverse in other ways. But again, maybe I'm getting hung up on semantics - maybe I am trying to win approval from unavailable people and that right there is the self-esteem angle. *shrug* Either way, this is a pattern I want to break. So many times it ends up the semantics... I also have a pretty high self-esteem in other issues. When I say I thought I'm not worth a full lived out relationship I could easily also say: I just have no idea how it goes. "It's just not for me". I sort of believed I was programmed to be unavailable myself, or be the woman men leave for other more "simple" women. So the breakthrough came when I thought, hey, no, it is for me, I actually want a man to be there for me, so let's break the patterns. About winning the approval of unavailable people: I also tend to do this, driven by my childhood family patterns. And you'll see this is a self-esteem issue. I'm concentrating now on not needing the approval of anyone, thus working on giving myself my own approval (loving myself for who I am).
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