Luz Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Hello , Please let me know how to get this man to open up and be more direct with me . i have been dating this man on weekely basis for 3 months, finally he kissed and held my hand a week before I was due to leave for a 3weeks vacation . During the last weekend while I was still in town , we continued to talk on the phone several times . He left for his business trip and i recived a text meassge from him the following day " So, how long you have been smoking " . I didn't not disclose that I'm a stress smoker ,a few here and there but never in public , a unhealthy stress coping habit I picked up during my divorce 6 years ago . I guessed he could detected from kissing me that day but chose not to say anything . We were kissing passionately for hours . We still haven't been able to talk about it despite of my direct approach . 1st it was bad timing on the day he returned from his business trip as I was on my way to the air port . I did suggest to talk about his issue with me upon my return . Upon my return , he approached him again but all he said was that " it's the only issue I have " . I offered the solution of stopping . We said good bye with him kissing me on the lips but didn't hear from him for 3 days . Also I did verbally and via email apologized for not telling him because I dodn't consider myself as a smoker and fully recognize of its potential . I eamiled him yesterday , asking him to let me know how would he like to resolve this issue , is it resolvable to him ? where does he stand exactly on this . He replied " I will need a day or 2 to digest and respond " Do you think afterover 3 weeks he should be able to tell me directly how this issue affect our relationship ? deal breaker ? not interested any more ? What's going on with this man ? Thanks
twillight Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Hiya Luz " So, how long you have been smoking " . I didn't not disclose that I'm a stress smoker ,a few here and there but never in public , a unhealthy stress coping habit I picked up during my divorce 6 years ago . In all honesty i dont think the odd smoke should stop him from seeing you-especially if you made sure that youre not smelling of cigarette smoke. I also think that you shouldnt had stop for him -for yourself yes but not to please him. Think its a welcome excuse for him to distant himself from you but not the real reason why -i mean come what is there to digest about it? You given it up already!!! Let us know about the outcome ...
zicke Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Agree with Twillight...what's to think about? He sounds a bit manipulative.."I have to think about it?" You are who you are. He either likes you or not. Don't start out being on the begging end of a relationship.
stillafool Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 He probably smelled it on your clothes and hair too. I don't think this is a good reason for him to turn cold. If he likes you and wants you to quit why not just say so.
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 If he is anything like me, he has to figure out how to approach you without offending you or looking like a superficial, judgmental jerk who wants a woman to conform to his views of her. Or he might not really think you are the kind who can take a constructive dislike or criticism. I mean even some of the most secure and stable people who claim they can take the direct truth, go berserk once the directness comes out. Or they start taking the comment to directions that it was not meant to go. "Oh, you don't like my smoking? What my kisses are that disgusting and you don't like how I smell!?!" I personally, once a woman tells me just to say what I was going to say and be direct, would go..."Sorry babe, I don't take pleasure in kissing, tasting, or smelling ashtrays." Well, no, I would not say that, I would just think it. Maybe instead of waiting for him to make the move you be the one to talk with him about your smoking issues and figure out where he sits with it in your relationship. Woman up, you sit down with him and you talk out with him. As to your questions... 1) Do you think afterover 3 weeks he should be able to tell me directly how this issue affect our relationship? It depends on how serious he takes the issue. 2) Deal breaker? See #1. 3) Not interested any more? No one can really predict that. It is something you two have to talk out and you look for the signs. 4) What's going on with this man? Can't say. You really haven't talked about how he has been since this issue. DNR
twillight Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I think he doesn't want to date a smoker. No of course not! Luz told him already that she will give up smoking/has done it already. Still I think its a bit shallow of him and doesnt really speak for him. Also do think that maybe it is only an excuse for an easy exit? Hope its not...just a thought. Has he got back in touch with you Luz?
Author Luz Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 Thanks everyone for your opinions and responses . No I have not heard from him though he did say it will take him 1 to 2 days to " digest " and respond . Of course, my feeling is that what to digest ? it's been more than 3 weeks since he brought up the issue via a text message . The way he described as " was something on my mind and I just tossed it out there " . It sure has been more than enough time to know exactly where his position is on this issue and on the direction of our relationship . I sure hope he has enough maturity, courage and consideration to best sit down with , call me or email as it's the easiest way out for him . i do realize that I want and need to give it for myself . And as I have stated it's not something I do regularly but unfortunately I did smoke with my sister and best friend the day he kissed me . I can respect if he or anyone who choose not to date a smoker , even a " light smoker " but surely would be nice to be clear and polite . The last time he came to see me upon my return from my trip , he did kiss me on the lips , i didn't encourage him because i felt we needed to talk about the issue and the direction of our relationship and I didn't like the way he approach me with this issue . He kissed me once on the lips when we said goodbye . I'm prepared to let this man go but I sure would like to have a mature conversation for closure . At this point i do not know if I could expect this from this man . i have been thinking about contacting him if i do not hear from him by next week to let him know how disappointed I am of him for handling this so poorly . we have seen enough of each other and I deserved to be treated with more respect . What do you guys think ? Let it go , don't waste another minute ? It could just be an excuse but geeze , have a back bone , don't you think ?
Author Luz Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 also , I do realized that it was my mistake for not disclosing after all the long hours we had spent sharing everything about our past . He disclosed that he was a heavy drinker 15 years ago . On the last day we met , he also mentioned that he used to smoke as well . i canunderstand , perhaps it's not the smoking thing but the fact that I wasn't being honest , truthful might have caused him to doubt my integrity or what else I might be hiding . I really wish we could sit down to talk . Should I give him a call to suggest that ? even if the out come will not be positive but i will feel so much better because I feel very guity and disappointed with myself as well . I do not like the smell of cigarette or do i think it's glamourous
lemony fresh Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I think he's a controlling jerk. You already said you wanted to openly communicate with him about this issue, then you said you would even quit. So he then still pulls back like you're the "bad little girl" who is seriously flawed and he is several leagues above you, so he'll have to go and think about this. All he had to do was have a mature discussion with you about this and he chose to be immature and pull the disappearing act. Personally I wouldn't have anything to do with him unless he apologized for his childish behavior. Sending you an accusatory text the day after he kissed you for hours was really childish, also. Why couldn't he bring it up when he was kissing you the day before? Or why couldn't he call you instead of sending a text so you could fully explain about the smoking? He is very passive aggressive and he is always going to have some "issue" with you and hold it against you and pull away and disappear and give you the silent treatment as "punishment" for being a "bad little girl." Lose him now, he is nothing but a disaster.
imbewildered Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 I think he's a controlling jerk. You already said you wanted to openly communicate with him about this issue, then you said you would even quit. So he then still pulls back like you're the "bad little girl" who is seriously flawed and he is several leagues above you, so he'll have to go and think about this. All he had to do was have a mature discussion with you about this and he chose to be immature and pull the disappearing act. I doesn't take long for some of you to do the "blame shifting " thing and deflect 'the fault' onto the guy. Why do you women habitually do that ? It is a deal breaker in relationships. He is not too happy about your withholding information about a dangerous habit that you have. It is that simple . He is clearly NOT willing to date a smoker (that is his right ) and he feels deceived that he WAS dating a secret smoker. I would be pissed too. IT is YOUR problem to solve and SMOOTH over with him, IT is not up to HIM to act in a way that suits YOU . YOU brought the problem into the relationship, not him. Take full accountability for all this, and if you want him to stay in your life do not be sneaky about anything again in the future. You are seeing the effect that secrecy has on him. Frankly - I would have walked away after 3 months.
Author Luz Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 I have apologized for my failure to disclose my secret smoking habit in writing and in person . I have accepted full responsibility by initiating focused conversation with him but still not able to get him to talk to me frankly , openly as where exactly we are at at this point . I can understand he doesn't want to date a smoker , or secret smoker , or simply because I didn't tell him after 3 months but I think I derserved to talk to like an adult . I feel very remorseful and determined to quit smoking . I guess I'll always look back at my life and remember him for helping me facing this unhealthy stress coping habit . have not heard from him and the message is pretty obvious that it's not important enough for him .
torranceshipman Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 To be fair, the guy I am currently dating never told me he smoked, then when we were out with friends the other day, he had a couple... I was surprised (he must be an occasional social smoker) and generally I would never date a smoker, but I figured he only does it occasionally, and besides, I really like him, so its hardly gonna be a dealbreaker Your guy is making a huge deal out of nothing and he sounds like a loser. A full on habit-yea, he has a point-I'd never date a habitual/heavy smoker either and wouldnt appreciate being lied to about it (if someone pretended they didnt smoke when they did) but it sounds like you were makin the point to him that you only do it occasionally? Either that, or he just wanted an 'out' and he chose the 1st minor excuse he could find to get it.
stillafool Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 I think you should move on from this guy. Don't contact him, he has sent you a message. It is easy to say you will stop smoking but quiting is damn hard and he may know this. At any rate he's gone and you should move on.
Pencup Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Men are usually very literal when we talk. When he said "its the only issue i have" I'm 90% sure he means it. I am confused as to why it would be a major problem to him though. And cant tell you what to do to force it out of him. Maybe it reminds him of a bad memory?
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