AnLandy Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 In the past four days, I have finally gotten the nerve together to inform my friends and family that my fiance and I broke up. Generally, they have been supportive, but I have noticed a pattern of questions that are starting to get to me. My sister wanted to know, "So that's it? There's no chance you can work it out?" My best friend wanted to know, "Would you take him back today if he wanted to try again?" My DOG SITTER wanted to know, "Why don't the two of you just keep on dating like you were and forget about marriage or moving in together?" My various friends and co-workers have asked, "Are you sure you don't want to give it another chance?", "What acout couples therapy?", and "Isn't it worth another shot?" I'm not really looking for advice, but I am getting a little annoyed with the questions. Has anyone else had to deal with the constant second-guessing from friends or family?
Trialbyfire Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Yup, standard stuff! I doesn't bother me as long as it comes from a position of concern and caring. If it's starting to annoy you, just push them back by being assertive. "Yes, it's over for x,y,z reasons. There's no use discussing it anymore."
johan Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 People don't actually like to hear about breakups. Your breakup has just removed one more bit of constancy from their lives. The world is chaotic enough as it is without you adding to the problem. So maybe you should really give it some thought before you decide it's truly over.
Author AnLandy Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Yup, standard stuff! I doesn't bother me as long as it comes from a position of concern and caring. If it's starting to annoy you, just push them back by being assertive. "Yes, it's over for x,y,z reasons. There's no use discussing it anymore." I guess the annoying part with my co-workers and my larger circle of associates is that they aren't coming from a place of concern. A few of them were obviously just fishing for dirt. I just stick to the facts, "We broke it off by mutual consent after realizing that we aren't right for each other."
Trialbyfire Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I guess the annoying part with my co-workers and my larger circle of associates is that they aren't coming from a place of concern. A few of them were obviously just fishing for dirt. I just stick to the facts, "We broke it off by mutual consent after realizing that we aren't right for each other." Yeah, know how that feels, particularly when there was dirt in my marriage. The last bit I mentioned about putting finality to their curiosity would hold very true in a work situation. "There's no use in discussing it anymore."
kizik Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 An, where is your heart in all this? All I've read from you are matter-of-fact, emotionless descriptions about the breakup process. Are you happy to get rid of him? Are you sad at all? Has it not hit you yet? If my ex has reacted any way like you have, then I'm extra glad we're done.
Author AnLandy Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 An, where is your heart in all this? All I've read from you are matter-of-fact, emotionless descriptions about the breakup process. Are you happy to get rid of him? Are you sad at all? Has it not hit you yet? If my ex has reacted any way like you have, then I'm extra glad we're done. There is a tremendous amount of sadness underneath all of this. I do miss him. I miss talking with him every night. I miss the e-mails he would send me throughout the day. I miss just being quiet with him at the end of the day before falling asleep. I'm sad that the future we had been planning isn't going to happen. But the reality is that I was missing these things before we even made the decision to walk away. We live 80 miles apart, and in the end, we were seeing each other maybe one night a week. Also, I have been mourning the future that we were planning for months, because bits and pieces of it just kept falling away. First we were going to buy a house. Then we were going to rent a house. Then he started pushing for an apartment. He was going to go the Europe with me, but he never filled out the Passport application, so that plan changed. We were going to get married next summer, then that got pushed back indefinately. I was going to sell my house and move back to a big urban area, but he kept urging me to not put it on the market just yet. I think about him constantly when my mind is not occupied with other things. I keep busy to avoid the "what if" moments. I am tempted to call or e-mail him at least 50 times a day. I want to know how he is doing. I want to offer him comfort, and vice versa. But I also know that the life I had been wanting so badly for so long, him, me, and our animals together in a modest house, a marriage based on working towards mutual goals while still supporting each other's individual ambitions, world travel with my husband, was not going to happen. One of the few advantages of getting older is that disappointment just becomes another part of life. I was a very happy person with a very fulfilling life before I fell in love with him. The life that we had originally invisioned together is not going to happen, but I still have bits and pieces of that life. I still have my animals, my modest house, my individual ambitions, and my plans to travel overseas next summer. All of those dreams are still a part of my life. They just don't include him anymore. I'm sorry if I am not expressing the appropriate levels of grief and pain that you feel are necessary at the end of a relationship. Right now, I am walking around in a permanent daze that lifts for brief moments at a time. Sleep is difficult. I can't read because my mind keeps wondering away from the plot line. I rent DVDs and just turn them off because I can't seem to get into them. I forget to eat. I have had a permanent headache for four days. I can't find the energy to walk my dogs. I want to get away for a while, but I can't think of a single destination that interests me. To cope, I am gradually returning to the rythmn of my life before I met him and focusing on the few positives in an otherwise horrible situation. I will no longer be selling the house that I love and have put years into restoring. The stress of moving is no longer looming in the immediate future. Since I won't be leaving my town, I won't have to resign from the city commissions on which I serve. I no longer have to worry about his allergies, so the dogs can cuddle with me in bed again, and I have taken in a foster cat for the first time in over a year. I have my home office back to myself. My morning commute will no longer be expanding from three blocks to 50 miles in the next few months. I can eat what I want for dinner. Of course, I don't have his warm body to wrap myself around at night, or his companionship, or his strength to lean on when I want it. I no longer have the person who knows my worst secrets and my best attributes to wake up with in the morning. He will still be a part of my life, but it won't be in the role of my husband. Right now, I have mixed feelings about that, but we made the right decision for us.
kizik Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I hope this last post of yours has helped you a bit. It's certainly the longest one I've seen from you. I think you've done a good job in describing the pros and cons of having split with him. One of my biggest fears is that my ex could simply walk away w/o feeling guilt, regret or sadness. And I think since I've read your initial post, I've equated you to her, and me to him. You will recall me saying that I feel like him, based upon what you've described. The hardest part about this breakup is not knowing how she feels. Since she and I have been no contact for god knows how many days now... I have no way of knowing how she feels. In some ways, I've used your business-like personality as a surrogate representation of Rachel. Because, well, you seem like her. I think it's absolutely great, this latest post of yours.
Author AnLandy Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 I hope this last post of yours has helped you a bit. It's certainly the longest one I've seen from you. I think you've done a good job in describing the pros and cons of having split with him. One of my biggest fears is that my ex could simply walk away w/o feeling guilt, regret or sadness. And I think since I've read your initial post, I've equated you to her, and me to him. You will recall me saying that I feel like him, based upon what you've described. The hardest part about this breakup is not knowing how she feels. Since she and I have been no contact for god knows how many days now... I have no way of knowing how she feels. In some ways, I've used your business-like personality as a surrogate representation of Rachel. Because, well, you seem like her. I think it's absolutely great, this latest post of yours. Thank you. I wouldn't say that I have a business-like personality. I am just a pragmatist who has spent 15 years of my life as a single adult who lives alone.
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