shadowplay Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I guess it's natural in the aftermath of a breakup to ask yourself what went wrong, what is broken inside me that made this happen? What I find odd is that things were going so well for so long. For the first six months we never fought, not once. And I always kept a tight lid on my insecurity. I avoided entirely the kind of obsessive affirmation seeking I had indulged in with past boyfriends. I was proud at myself for finally fostering a healthy relationship. Then, around Christmas, I opened the Pandora's Box just a crack and all my inner demons broke free. I thought I could just hold all that insecurity inside me, dumping it on LS or privately fighting my demons, and everything would be OK. But it just built up and built up until I couldn't hold it in. Or maybe I got too comfortable and felt I could indulge just a little. I didn't realize one leak was all it took. With past boyfriends sharing more of myself, warts and all, seemed to build intimacy. But it was the opposite with this one. He retreated at the first whiff of weakness. It caused a vicious cycle where I became more insecure in response to his distance. My insecurity with him surpassed what I even felt alone, without him. It wasn't me. Somehow our relationship was bringing out the worst in me and turning me into some pathetic monster. I'm still dumbfounded by how rapidly things changed. Why? Why did I let myself be so needy around him? In October I would have cringed at the thought of letting all my insecurities hang out in his presence. Why did I suddenly stop caring and sabotage something that was wonderful or could have been?
johan Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Why do you think you did it? I think you probably have more insight into this than you're letting on.
AnLandy Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Why are you putting all of the blame on yourself? If he couldn't accept that fact that you are not perfect and actually display negative emotions once in a while, then why doesn't he bear some of the responsibility? I think that a lot of women just confuse "needs" with "insecurity". We assume that if our significant other isn't meeting some need that we have, then we are being insecure. What is wrong with wanting your partner to acknowledge your emotions and needs? He may not feel he is capable of meeting them, but he can at least listed to them. You would be amazed at how quickly an "insecurity" becomes a non-issue when your partner just acknowledges your feelings and listens to you. He does not have to validate your feelings or "solve" the problem. If he just acknowledges that he has heard what you have said, even if he doesn't understand, that makes all of the difference in the world. What was the "insecurity" about? Were you excessively jealous? Did you feel that he was neglecting you? Did you demand guarantees that he would stick around forever? Did you demand constant validation of his feelings for you?
Author shadowplay Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 What was the "insecurity" about? Were you excessively jealous? Did you feel that he was neglecting you? Did you demand guarantees that he would stick around forever? Did you demand constant validation of his feelings for you? Basically all of the above. But more specifically...once the vicious cycle started he became really inconsistent. I cheated on him, and that permanently damaged his trust (which is only natural). I thought, perhaps naively, that we still had a chance if I worked really hard to rebuild trust. But he became suspicious of my motives about everything, not just related to my fidelity. Because he no longer trusted me he would assume things that often weren't true. This caused a lot of friction. Then when things were good, for often weeks at a time, he would take back all he had said when they weren't. But I had trouble trusting him, and he got fed up with my constant question-asking. My cheating was the most obvious killer of our relationship, but I feel like the deeper problem was my insecurity.
stillstrong1 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 If you loved this man so much, why did you cheat?
Nevermind Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Are you adressing this in therapy, shadow? My first thoughts on this thread: You should never put a lid on your personality. Of course, you should try to work on your issues, but if you keep something hidden it will never work out. After christmas you might have shown frustration that had been bottled up. Which made your reactions more extreme, and not understandable for your ex, since he didn't know that you had been keeping yourself under control. This creates a vicious cycle - you react more strongly on an issue because of unresolved anger from the past - your boyfriend reacts negative to that anger because he views it as unjustified - you feel hurt by his lack of empathy etc. This is something to consider: you need to be in control of your fear, but if the fear is there you should not supress it completely. Adress your feelings appropriately before you let them become bigger than life. Heads up, shadow. I know you're hurting and you're confused, but this relationship didn't end simply because of insecurity. You didn't work well together. This doesn't demean either of you, it just means that you were not meant to be. Hope you'll be better soon.
ate_the_paint Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Hey, don't put all the blame on yourself. If you can't share your insecurities with the one who is supposed to love you, then what's the point? I mean if that's the case, what seperates them from a colleague at work? Me, I'll take someone who I can both laugh and cry with, thank you.
johan Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 There is a difference between sharing insecurities with your sweetheart and inflicting insecurities on them. In both cases the insecurities are technically shared. But in the first you take responsibility for them yourself. In the second you make the other person responsible for them. I've often shared mine (i.e. admit to them and communicate them), when I thought it was the right thing to do. I think sometimes I lost a bit of their respect, but in some cases I gained it. Before I knew how to share them properly I inflicted them on the person I was with by acting like an ass. In those cases it just bred resentment, and the relationship suffered. The honest truth is that you can rarely easily make them go away, and you're going to share them one way or the other. I had the insecurities of my ex inflicted on me. She couldn't feel happy or secure. Instead of trying to help me understand, she just acted crazy and never made me feel trusted or really wanted. She made it so that I couldn't feel comfortable being myself with her. She set unreasonable standards for my behavior without telling me, and then got upset when I didn't meet them. From what I've seen so far, this is more the form of sharing that Shadowplay engaged in. If I'm right, then that's why he's her ex and not her boyfriend.
Author shadowplay Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 There is a difference between sharing insecurities with your sweetheart and inflicting insecurities on them. In both cases the insecurities are technically shared. But in the first you take responsibility for them yourself. In the second you make the other person responsible for them. I've often shared mine (i.e. admit to them and communicate them), when I thought it was the right thing to do. I think sometimes I lost a bit of their respect, but in some cases I gained it. Before I knew how to share them properly I inflicted them on the person I was with by acting like an ass. In those cases it just bred resentment, and the relationship suffered. The honest truth is that you can rarely easily make them go away, and you're going to share them one way or the other. I had the insecurities of my ex inflicted on me. She couldn't feel happy or secure. Instead of trying to help me understand, she just acted crazy and never made me feel trusted or really wanted. She made it so that I couldn't feel comfortable being myself with her. She set unreasonable standards for my behavior without telling me, and then got upset when I didn't meet them. From what I've seen so far, this is more the form of sharing that Shadowplay engaged in. If I'm right, then that's why he's her ex and not her boyfriend. I appreciate your insight and agree with many of your points. I do think it may have been less one-sided than how it was with your ex. The problem I'm starting to think was more in line with what Nevermind described. Some of my insecurities were unfounded but others were legit. I would become paranoid and react to little things because I felt that overall I couldn't trust him (as he couldn't trust me). He was very inconsistent. He would often say nasty, hurtful things during our fights that made me question his level of commitment later on. He would always take back what he had said when we were doing well, but I had a hard time believing he was truly being honest. So I would start to obsessively question him. Obviously, my approach was all wrong and just pushed him away. That's something I need to change. Based on my other relationships, he had a lower tolerance for insecurity than most guys. He's not the caregiving type because he grew up with a father who took care of his mentally-ill mother. He didn't want to become like his father, so he would freak whenever I showed a hint of weakness. If I was just in a sad mood because of something that had happened during my day, he would get detectably distant. Once I asked him if he felt committed to me and he responded, "like in a mental ward committed?"
johan Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 It sounds like he had insecurities of his own, and if he responded by saying mean things to you, then he also had a problem with judgment. He probably wasn't mature enough to deal with the challenges of being with you. I don't think I was with my ex either, at least at the start. I would get really angry with her. At least I expressed anger, mostly because I thought that the passion would convince her. In reality I just wanted the discussions and questioning to end and would have easily calmed down if she had any capability to laugh at herself. Consistency is critical, and that's the decision I made after I realized that fighting her wasn't getting me anywhere. I don't know, Shadow. I do hope you find better ways to deal with yours. Your posts brought back so many memories for me. The odd and extremely serious concerns that would seem to pop up out of no where, things he probably had no idea that you were thinking. And then the charges he would have to answer to with incredible skill if you were to feel better about things and stop the thinking/questioning. A skill he probably never had. And the cycles between bliss and total doubt. Not to mention your secret thoughts of leaving him, which I think he probably picked up on. Maybe he just triggered you, or maybe just being in a serious relationship triggers you.
hummingbird Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 It sounds like he had insecurities of his own, and if he responded by saying mean things to you, then he also had a problem with judgment. He probably wasn't mature enough to deal with the challenges of being with you. I don't think I was with my ex either, at least at the start. I would get really angry with her. At least I expressed anger, mostly because I thought that the passion would convince her. In reality I just wanted the discussions and questioning to end and would have easily calmed down if she had any capability to laugh at herself. Consistency is critical, and that's the decision I made after I realized that fighting her wasn't getting me anywhere. I don't know, Shadow. I do hope you find better ways to deal with yours. Your posts brought back so many memories for me. The odd and extremely serious concerns that would seem to pop up out of no where, things he probably had no idea that you were thinking. And then the charges he would have to answer to with incredible skill if you were to feel better about things and stop the thinking/questioning. A skill he probably never had. And the cycles between bliss and total doubt. Not to mention your secret thoughts of leaving him, which I think he probably picked up on. Maybe he just triggered you, or maybe just being in a serious relationship triggers you. WOW.. I feel as though I am reading a book of insights into both my and my SOs lives now and what it has been for a few years. I am in the process with him of possibly looking to the demise of our relationship and it would be for the way I too bring up serious concerns, am inconsistent in things he has no idea of where they are coming from BUT I certainly do... and it is all very passive. It is not a bridged communication but passive-aggressive attempts to allay my fears and find reasssurance. Why... the cheating does bring insecurities Shadow, so sorry ---this seems to force you to look at yourself and maybe in the outcome of this, this builds a better understanding of yourself and how you are in a R.... these are of course how intimacy is established with a person you love.. the tolerance of being YOU and that person not running away. maybe for him, intimacy is something he is not ready for and it isn't all about your insecurities only..... Johan --- your retrospective reflection sure is a wake up call for me. I don't want our R to be a bargaining point.. I so want honest open communication but he is not very good at the commuincation thing...... He gets really angry with me,, and maybe thinks the passion convinces me too...but it doesn't. I don't really know what can convince me... there are also cycles of pure bliss and of doubt and anger... I hate them.. even and steady are so much better, but don't some people thrive on what they know in their family home...? Shadow, why did you cheat on him--was there a subconscious wish to sabotage the R?? hugs to you
Recommended Posts