fran82 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 its been 2 months since i split with my LD bf, its been 5 months since i actually seen him in person. yeah, i've missed him through all the confusion and tears and i wanted him to hold me and say everything will be fine. but i can say with a level head that those feelings were mostly caused by all the drama, all the strife. wanting something familiar and wanting to cling to it. now that i've had a lot of mental distance from the relationship, barelu ever communicating normally thru txt, i think i've finally come through the fog, but i've realized im not just missing him cause thats what happens, im missing him for him. (if that makes sense) im missing his physical person, actions, voice, personality, him. i do still love, im sure i always will. but since coming through the fog, i know more clearly that i do still want him in my life, although i dont know what as? do i give in and ask him to take me back? or do i stand my ground and not bend on my morals(too strong a word) my wants for my life? do i try to be more involved and a friend? or is it just a passing faze? i dont want to confuse him anymore than this whole thing already has done! im so confused! has anyone got any advice?
Nevermind Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Why did you split? Are those reasons still valid? Do you miss him as a lover or as a person? Could you consider establishing a friendship?
Author fran82 Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 hey NM, thanks for responding, we split because he wouldn't agree to me moving closer because even after 4 years he still wasn't ready(at 26), even tho i was only moving to his city to further my education. i feel that unless he's grown up a little thats its still a valid reason to stay split. i dont miss him as a lover, our r/ship went through long periods when we were apart, as it was long distance, i miss his person. just being around, searching the web, strolling around making breakfast, and his hilarious walk (dander, we like to say here) small, very innocent things like that, his voice. i would consider a friendship, but i dont know how he would feel about it. i know its the most selfish thing in the world for me to consider. but isnt everyone allowed to make mistakes, at least only once. i think the question im asking is, can those here who have had their partners end the r/ships, how would you feel if your ex's wanted to be friends? im sorry for sounding so selfish, im just so confused
justine4 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Hi Fran, I was sad to read you're feeling down at the minute, you seemed to be so upbeat about things last week. I guess it comes over us in waves (tidal waves somedays!) I'd say because of the distance between you both there'd be a good chance of keeping up a friendship. Just take out of the equation the visits to see each other, and you'll get a fair idea of what you'd have on a purely platonic level. Its a very hard one to call though. It could well work on as just friends but, ideally, do you secretly hope that he will come to his senses, realise how much you mean to him, and decide he does want to get back together and move forward, with a bit more commitment? If so, the only way he'll do this (and I guess theres no guarantee he would) is if you distance yourself and he gets the chance to miss you. You've been grand the whole way through this Fran. Having the guts to realise even though you love the guy and he loves you, if he's not prepared to move forward with you two, theres no point in prolonging things. You're a brave girl. It'll come good for you one way or another - call it a hunch etc, but you've a good head on your shoulders. In fact, you don't fancy sending some of that common sense you have over my way do you?...
Author fran82 Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 thank you justine you are so sweet! you know, you've been a rock for me throughout the whole thing, cause your the only person i know that really understands i think im all peaks and troughs at the mo, it was my b'day there on thursday, and i think thats probably whats made me crack. that and the fear that im going to end up a lonely old sinister! lol! how are things with you these days? hope your coping okay? i know you've been worried about him, have you been in contact? i called him last night, (i was a little merry! lol) but it was nice, he was upbeat and friendly, it was short but sweet. i felt a little sad after but i'm coming round again. i hope we can have a friendship, he's a great person, and despite my often too horrible comments as a coping mechanism, he is a person worth knowing, he's interesting, funny, his vunerable nature is so inviting (like i just want to hold him and make our hurting stop) there is a tiny element of wanting him to come to his senses, but i know he's a stubborn as me, lol, so i know theres not much hope of that! i just miss him, i hope it fades!
justine4 Posted July 6, 2008 Posted July 6, 2008 thank you justine you are so sweet! you know, you've been a rock for me throughout the whole thing, cause your the only person i know that really understands i think im all peaks and troughs at the mo, it was my b'day there on thursday, and i think thats probably whats made me crack. that and the fear that im going to end up a lonely old sinister! lol! how are things with you these days? hope your coping okay? i know you've been worried about him, have you been in contact? i called him last night, (i was a little merry! lol) but it was nice, he was upbeat and friendly, it was short but sweet. i felt a little sad after but i'm coming round again. i hope we can have a friendship, he's a great person, and despite my often too horrible comments as a coping mechanism, he is a person worth knowing, he's interesting, funny, his vunerable nature is so inviting (like i just want to hold him and make our hurting stop) there is a tiny element of wanting him to come to his senses, but i know he's a stubborn as me, lol, so i know theres not much hope of that! i just miss him, i hope it fades! Maybe it will fade? Thats the thing thats a bit scary (to me anyway). I know its the only way to 'move on', but what if you don't accept its the end (sad I know, but thats kind of where I'm still at). Its nearly two weeks since we last texted. We haven't spoken since the end of April now but he has so much going on in his life with his mum and a few other issues that he said he needed to sort through (work, his living arangements etc). Thankfully, along with all the advice on here, one of my best friends is a good bit older than I am, and she really knows her stuff. She has been a rock to me. I was going to ring him this weekend and suggest meeting up in Dublin, just for a quick coffee, and to give some of his stuff back. However, my best pals suggested I leave it at least a few more weeks from our last contact. Doing that gives more chance of his mums chemo kick in and for his mind to settle a bit more. Plus, we where supposed to go to Connemara this coming weekend so he'll prob contact me about that. He has 2 weeks hols coming up that we where supposed to spend together, and then, to top it all off, his best friend gets married in the K club at the beginning of August which I was supposed to go to with him. I'm hoping this will make him come to his senses (I live in hope!) I am going down to a gig in Dublin mid-August anyway, so my grand masterplan is to contact him nearer to then and arrange to meet up then. We will have to see what happens.... Has your ex made any reference to the split? Has he opened up at all to you that he misses you and regrets his failure to move forward with you? He is bound to be missing you as much as you are him - possibly more in fact, as its down to his position on things, that you ended things. It really is a conunderum, what to do. If you want him to come around and declare he doesn't want to lose you and has realised he does want more commitment with you, then what do you do? Do you cut all contact with him and then let him come to the decision himself? Or, by cutting contact, are you putting yourself at risk of having nothing to do with him at all in the future? I don't get these guys (generalising here) who really frighten themselves about committing to a longterm relationship. Yes, it could all go wrong in the end, but if the love is there, why wouldn't you try in the first place and give it a chance to go right? I've had strange experiences in my lovelife in the past. One boyfriend proposed after only 3dates, another asked me to move in with him within 2weeks of knowing him, one of my best friends told me the week before I got married that he loved me more than anyone, always had, always would, and that if I didn't want to go through with the marriage, me and him could get together. As they say 'theres nowt as strange as folk'! Everyones different, and theres no straight forward manual to work out how their minds work either! (unfortunately) I wish I could see into a crystal ball and tell you the best way to go. Unfortunately, gypsy rosalee I ain't! Like a said before though, you're a gutsy girl. You put your money where your mouth is and stuck by it. A lot of people would've hung around, hope he'd change his mind. You really took a brave step and you should give yourself a pat on the back for that. Being stubborn isn't always a bad thing either. The thing is, if you're both stubborn, the one with the extra pressure, whose most likely to give in to the stubborness, is the one with the added pressure of knowing they're to blame. Thats not you, nor is it me, so the only thing to do is sit it out. You'll get through all of this (without becoming a sinister spinster!) I've every faith in you!!
Author fran82 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 hey justine! your certianly right "theres nowt as queer as folk" lol, your stories are mad, but really sweet too! i think your master plan could be a really great idea, meeting up face to face, especially with everything he's going through, you seem to really really still care for this guy. i hopes he agrees to meet you! and i hope he does come to he's senses. you seem to have some form of regular contact, i guess with what he's going through you couldnt not. its very noble of you to stay in touch with him for his sake, despite how much your hurting. what gig you going to? i absolutly love dublin, me the ex used to take the enterprise down, and spend the day in temple bar, listening to the sessions, getting drunk the way you should! lol! i love the atmosphere down there! anytime i speak to him he likes to ignore the whole sorry mess, he tells me what he's been up to without really telling me anything, u know what i mean? he refuses to talk about "us" except for asking how im coping with it. he's not much of a talker, but he's getting worse! it scares me that its a sign of things to come, i hate the idea of not being in some kind of contact with him. although i am coming more and more to terms with the idea of never getting back together. i think i need to stick to my guns, unless he decides to grow up. ( i think ) i dont think he's too fussed on making sure we stay in contact, i think he thinks i wont let it get that far. i dont know if he's right yet? it comes across to me that he doesnt miss me as much as i do him, but he internalizes everything, so its hard to tell. I don't get these guys (generalising here) who really frighten themselves about committing to a longterm relationship. Yes, it could all go wrong in the end, but if the love is there, why wouldn't you try in the first place and give it a chance to go right? never i truer word has been spoken! lol! i was watching 'ps. i love you' last night, i dont know if you've ever seen it, but she has to come to terms with being single again (obviously for different reasons) but it kinda made me realize i dont need to rush anything, i dont need to rush into and another r/ship that wont last, i dont need to rush out of singledom. its a really sweet film, if you haven't seen it, id highly recommend it, but bring a box of tissues with you!
justine4 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Funny you should mention PS I love you. I read the book when it came out a few years ago (Cecilia Ahern is great and I think her dad is too!) It was a long running thing with my ex. We had a bet once, which I lost. If I'd won he would've had to watch PS I Love You with me. I think he'd have rather pulled out his own fingernails than sit through the film (although I did manage to get him to watch half of Bridget Jones one time!) I'm going to watch Paddy Casey. I think hes great. I'm thinking of finding out where he lives too as he lives with Damien Dempsey - can you imagine the craic in that house when you get home after a few drinkies in the pub? Great stuff! Only joking about the finding out where he lives part. I'm not cut out to be a stalker. You said before that you and your ex are both as stubborn as each other, so he may well be playing it cool so as not to lose face. Theres no way he'll be over you yet, not after so long together, especially as he was the one who got dumped. Like so many people have posted on here, theres nothing worse to drive someone further away, than to beg and plead after a relationship his ended. Maybe he's keeping a bit of his dignity and by you two keeping in touch, he hasn't completely 'lost you', so he may be thinking, in time, you might get back on track? (As usual, I has my rosetinted glasses on, but I reckon better that and try to see the positive than to be the other way around and always see the downside to things). Like I said before, if we could all fast forward to the future and see what it has in store, it'd make going through our breakups easier. Its like a game of roulette too. You don't know how things are going to work out. If you cease contact with him, maybe he will realise that unless he gets off his ass and makes a move, then he'll lose you altogether. But, by ceasing contacting him you could also take the risk of him not doing this, and therefore losing having him in your life. I'm definitely getting PS I Love You on film - if only to hear their Irish accents. If they nail it like Brad Pitt () did in the Devils Own, fair play to them, but if its anything like Richard Gere in The Jackel - PAINFUL! Geez, this is a long post. Better end it before it starts to rival War and Peace....
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