4givrnt4gtr Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 So, major rollercoaster for the past few months. Long story short, ive been in a year long relationship. I broke up with him bc i found him sending dirty texts to some chick. He cried and beg saying how he couldnt believe he had lost the best thing in his life. I still let him go. After much drama of contacting, then asking him to take some time to think about what he wanted, then me texting him to let him know some good news which then made him call me we started to get back together. However, he kept insisting on knowing whether I had "done something stupid" while we were apart. I had kissed an old friend, so I finally told him so last night. We talked about it, he was upset at first but quickly recovered. He then said that all i had to do was apologize and we'll get on with our lives. (also to never introduce him to my friend...) So then I asked him what he wanted, what we were doing (as in relationship wise) and he said he didnt know.... That shocked me..specially after his whole crying, im sorry i hate being without you drama. I asked him if he wanted to be with me, and he said that he did, but was scared of the what ifs...what if he makes a mistake, what if Im not the person he thinks i am ....so that he much rather take it all slow, and go with the flow... Now...keep in mind that when we broke it off (BECAUSE OF HIS CHEATING!!) we were talking about getting married eventually... I said i couldnt do that....i couldnt go back to "just dating" after being together for a year...thats ludicrous! Specially when he was the one who messed up! Anyway we talked more about it, he said he really wanted to be with me, but he was scared of whether his family will accept me (different culture) etc. He said that he knew that is the only reason why it wouldnt work out and he was too scared to go thru what he went thru the month that we were separated. I kept telling him that he couldnt live like that, with fear instead of focusing on the good things. Bassically I felt like i was convincing him to be with me. Anyway at the end of it all we agreed to be together again, but the nagging feeling I had convinced him irritated me. I dont want to be with someone I had to convince to be with me, no matter what the excuse is. I want to be wanted 100%, and when given a chance to be with me, I want the person who loves me to jump in with both feet, hoping for the best. So, Im now thinking on telling him all this, that I deserve better, and that maybe we should be just friends. I hate to do this because I love him...but I cant be lead on like this.... Now im wondering if I should just write him an email so that all my thoughts and feelings come out right, or if I should call him and tell him, or if i should go see him in person. Im not sure...Ive never done this and it sucks... Any ideas??
CarrieT Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 How old are you and him? Seriously - it sounds like you both need to date a lot more people before making the kind of commitment you would like.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 How old are you and him? Seriously - it sounds like you both need to date a lot more people before making the kind of commitment you would like. He is 29, Im 24. I think my problem is that Ive let him (and everyone else for that matter) get away with a lot.... not quite sure why...but im pretty much done with it.... I deserve to be respected loved and appreciated...if he cant do that...he better get going
Ronni_W Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 From what you've posted, your instinct to break up is the right thing for you to do at this time. Tell him in person that your relationship is done. *IF* he wants details, tell him you will send them in an email. If he does NOT ask for details, do NOT send them to him -- that would ultimately just create unnecessary drama and prolong your own recovery. Later on, if you find that you need that kind of 'closure', seek other ways to meet your need rather than go to him for understanding and compassion. Sending hugs and good wishes -- breaking up is tough EVEN WHEN it is the best thing you can do for yourself.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Do I have a choice? I mean....i dont want to do it...i really really dont want to do it. I really love this man, and he had said something similar at the beginning of our R last year. But in the end we were getting very close. At the same time.....i know i deserve better.... i hate this
AnLandy Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Do I have a choice? I mean....i dont want to do it...i really really dont want to do it. I really love this man, and he had said something similar at the beginning of our R last year. But in the end we were getting very close. At the same time.....i know i deserve better.... i hate this The longer you wait, the harded it will be to walk away. Break it off in person. If you really love him, and after the time you have been together, he deserves the respect of doing it face-to-face.
johan Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 It's hard to get back after a breakup in a committed relationship. Certain ties get cut and trust is broken in weird ways. Resentment follows you in when you go back. Particularly if you see the other person selling out to make things work by being extra sweet or by being tentative and overlooking things that make them fearful. Or if you find yourself going the extra mile to save things, and the other seems tentative. Going backwards once you've established a committed relationship is nearly always a bad idea. I learned in previous relationships that the worst thing you can do is put the relationship on the bargaining table when negotiating behaviors. You can't use it that way. If you do put it on the table, then the best thing to do is euthanize it, because it won't be healthy afterwards. There is no going back, and that can be such a sad thing.
Author 4givrnt4gtr Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 It's hard to get back after a breakup in a committed relationship. Certain ties get cut and trust is broken in weird ways. Resentment follows you in when you go back. Particularly if you see the other person selling out to make things work by being extra sweet or by being tentative and overlooking things that make them fearful. Or if you find yourself going the extra mile to save things, and the other seems tentative. Going backwards once you've established a committed relationship is nearly always a bad idea. I learned in previous relationships that the worst thing you can do is put the relationship on the bargaining table when negotiating behaviors. You can't use it that way. If you do put it on the table, then the best thing to do is euthanize it, because it won't be healthy afterwards. There is no going back, and that can be such a sad thing. Hmm I dont think I agree with this. Not necessarily in my relationship, but in general. I do think sometimes a break up is a wake up call to both people, where they realize how important the other person is, and most importantly that the fundations of the relationship were not as strong as once believed. If both people are able to see this, and going slowly to see where the cracks are, and attempt to fix them, I think second chances can be succesful. Ofcourse its harder....but im sure when two people truly love each other, is not impossible. Or maybe im just a die hard romantic no matter how many times i crash and burn....but thats topic for another thread lol.
johan Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Well, I only said most of the time. There are always exceptions. I hope you prove to be one of them.
Recommended Posts