ianandris Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I can't really tell if this is because of the break up, or simply a long standing issue that hasn't been resolved. So, I'm having a hard time seeing myself with girls I'm attracted to. There's the idea that keeps bouncing around in my head that I'm just not attractive enough to have the girls I'd like in my life. That I have too many weaknesses and imperfections, that I can't meet the minimum requirements most women have in a man (I'm bald as hell). My relationship history points to the idea that I'm a place filler, not the main event (I've been a rebound on more than one occasion, seem to consistently attach myself to emotionally unavailable girls). Never had a relationship last more than a few months. I'd like to start dating again, but this idea is killing me. Girls dig self-confidence. It's the number one thing that piques their interest when you're putting yourself out there. While I have many other attributes that are desirable (funny (very distinct brand of humor, though. Lots of people aren't on the same page), intelligent, kind, spiritual, responsible, loyal), self-confidence is one of those fleeting attributes that, for me, is easily shaken. I have it often enough, but I can't count on it to be there when I need it (in particular, when I'm trying to talk to girls I'm actually interested in. I have no problem talking to girls I'm not completely attracted to, so, as per my last gf, I end up short changing myself because I get lonely and need companionship.). Any thoughts on self-confidence/being secure in yourself/accepting yourself/attracting the kind of people you want to date?
backto1 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Hey man, the best way to build that self confidence is to not worry about finding a girlfriend at all. Don't worry about that for now. If you focus your energy on your life, achieve a couple of your short-term and medium-range goals, make some accomplishments, enjoy time with your friends and most importantly become content being single, you'll be confident. It's kind of weird but it seems like when you're finally 100% happy being single, THAT is when you finally stop being single. It sucks don't it!
stlnsmile Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 No comments, Im just in the same boat. My self esteem sucks right now for sure, and though I feel I am an atractive girl, I have a real hard time talking to guys I think I will like. Also, the type of guys I like, well, my ex knows all of them in school......so Im not sure they would ask me out anyway. He knew everyone. I didn't because I had transfered schools to be with him from a private school......stupid stupid stupid. So one of the reasons he broke up with me, I didn't have any friends then...well thats because I transfered butt head, and I am shy and haven't met anyone yet to be great friends with, I only had my old friends from my old school. Well now I have friends, but they don't like to do much or their parents are soooo strict they aren't allowed to. Im doing lots of stuff now....but still feel like Im not quite going to measure up in the area that I live in.....I can't really explain it. I have all these great qualities too, but, I am still alone? Im at the point I figure I will be well into college before I meet anyone at this point. *sigh*
Author ianandris Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Geez, smile. That sucks. One thing I've decided, though, is I'm never changing my life for someone else until I'm absolutely certain she's going to be a part of my life forever. That means rings for both of us. I started to move things around for my last girlfriend, and she ended up dumping me in no time at all. My life is my life and it's not changing for any girl, one of the other things I learned from the experience. Backto, those are sound words of wisdom. I've been doing that, actually. It's one of my short/medium term goals, to be honest, along with becoming content and comfortable with who I am, learning to love myself the way I want to be loved, becoming self-confident, self-validating, and at peace with, well, myself. I figure if I can learn to be myself without being remotely concerned about what others think of me, I'll be able to attract what it is I'm looking for. I guess the question, then, is how do you find yourself? How do you come to know and love yourself without any sort of outside validation? Stories?
backto1 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 If you still have college to look forward to you are gravy baby. Don't put the pressure on yourself - that's the biggest downfall for single people. edit - looks like you posted almost same time I did. I really don't know about "finding yourself." I don't know what people mean by that...it's kind of an elusive concept. Maybe it just means finding your career and getting comfortable with the network of people you know and love. Sure, there's nothing wrong with worrying about being attractive - that's the only reason I hit the gym lol. But outside validation helps definitely, that's why you make an effort to surround yourself with positive people and make an effort to make friends and meet people. Smiling at everyone you interactive with is a major confidence booster too. I mean everyone, from the cute girl who brings you your beer to the hairy old man who bags your groceries.
kizik Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Ian, in regards to our other discussion, I actually think QT is pretty sharp-looking. Look, you can't do anything about the way you look. I'm kind of a short guy, and it bothers me sometimes. I can't do anything about it. You have to work with what you have. The only thing you can change is the way you treat people. The key is to be kind and respectful without being TOO nice or appearing needy. Confidence will flow naturally from you. Confidence means knowing who you are and what you want out of life and a partner. DO NOT go around worrying about your looks, or if you're "good enough." Like Backto1 said, you'll find a chick at the exact *moment* you are completely content NOT finding a chick. I'm not there yet, but I f*cking can't wait to be.
Author ianandris Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 I think finding yourself means that you ARE your center. If you're in an uncertain environment, faced with challenge, rejection, acceptance, responsibility, crisis, whatever, you're able not simply to maintain a veneer of calm, but to BE calm, be collected and proactive in spite of outside influence. It means taking the power out of outside influences and placing it squarely in your own hands. It means to have an abiding sense of self that supersedes every other thing. It means you don't simply react to your circumstances, but you choose how to respond, or if to respond at all. Finding yourself, to me, anyhow, is the triumph of reason over emotion. I know it's sounding hokey, but that's the way I look at it. I don't really think of it in terms of careers. I have a direction. I'll have a career as soon as I graduate. I have good, positive people in my life that are encouraging and supportive. But, if you find yourself, you won't need them (at least, not in that capacity). Finding yourself, to me, is knowing that you have everything you need to be happy in yourself. While I understand this logically, and it makes sense intuitively, I haven't been able to find that ground, yet. The question of attractiveness, I think, is more of a symptom than the problem itself. BUT, I love the idea of smiling at everyone. I don't do that. I need to do that. The only reason I haven't done that, to be honest, is because I'm missing a canine and I'm self-conscious about it. I would get it fixed but, selah, no insurance yet. But that idea struck me as being particularly valid. "The only thing you can change is the way you treat people." Gold. Kiz, that's a home run right there. The combination of those 2 ideas, I think, will be very potent as soon as I let myself forget about self consciousness and just do it. Girls want attention. Smiles are attention. Simple, easy, genius.
kizik Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Ian, you're a smart dude. I have a feeling that you have a tendency to over-think and/or over-analyze things though. Relax, buddy! Any girl that's not into you is simply someone that you're not interested in knowing. We need to start thinking of ourselves as special, really special. Not to say we have to act like arrogant as*holes. Women are looking for guys like us and haven't found us yet, because we are a rare commodity in such a stupid country. I feel like a lot of my issues have to do with United States culture. We value material possessions and style/fashion over character. Ugh. Many women (usually the made-up, gum-smacking bottle blondes with plunging necklines) are interested in the Abercrombie frat-boy date-rape pr*cks. There seem to be a lot of both of these types. While these chicks catch my attention, b/c I am male and have a penis, I would never talk to them and they wouldn't talk to me, either. They're also the ones who are slutty, which is a shame. How come it's all the as*holes who get laid? Anyway, I just want a smart and non-crazy girl who is pretty and who's intellectual. Hope this wasn't a threadjack...
Author ianandris Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Ian, you're a smart dude. I have a feeling that you have a tendency to over-think and/or over-analyze things though. Relax, buddy! Any girl that's not into you is simply someone that you're not interested in knowing. We need to start thinking of ourselves as special, really special. Not to say we have to act like arrogant as*holes. Women are looking for guys like us and haven't found us yet, because we are a rare commodity in such a stupid country. I feel like a lot of my issues have to do with United States culture. We value material possessions and style/fashion over character. Ugh. Many women (usually the made-up, gum-smacking bottle blondes with plunging necklines) are interested in the Abercrombie frat-boy date-rape pr*cks. There seem to be a lot of both of these types. While these chicks catch my attention, b/c I am male and have a penis, I would never talk to them and they wouldn't talk to me, either. They're also the ones who are slutty, which is a shame. How come it's all the as*holes who get laid? Anyway, I just want a smart and non-crazy girl who is pretty and who's intellectual. Hope this wasn't a threadjack... You're damn straight I over think things. I always get that from my friends. I can shut it off sometimes, but it's not an easy thing to do when you're used to doing it differently. I'm still learning to say f**k it and just be. Shakespeare f**ked me for life. "I think, therefore, I am," right? Of course, I understand what he actually meant by that, but my mind seems to have a mind of its own sometimes. They say "just be yourself," and my mind reasons, "well, I am by thinking, so I need to think more." I've spent so many years trying to do my own thing, ignoring the flow, it's difficult for me to just go with it sometimes. It's like trying to stand up and walk down a waterslide. Running with that analogy, what if the only experience you've had with waterslides is standing, trying to walk down the damn thing and ending up flailing and falling and being bumped and bruised the whole way down? You'd be a little hesitant about hitting up waterslides, too. Of course, the answer would be just sit down (or, in this case, just smile and be friendly to people in general). The more I think about it, the more I think that it isn't really hard to attract the girls I want, I just make it hard by going about it the wrong freaking way. This: Anyway, I just want a smart and non-crazy girl who is pretty and who's intellectual. is me. Unfortunately, they seem to be just about as rare as we are, huh?
Peter_pan Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 ive always been worried about losing my hair, touch wood i wont. but i am building my upper body up so i look buff. and if i ever lose the hair at least i'll be attractive in that sense. but know i have full head of hair, 6ft tall, tanned, green/blue eyes, 6pack, tonned upper body, and i am very athletic and sporty, also have a great sense of humor, can make any girl laugh, yeah it shouldnt be long before i find someone new ...... oh and your fine because women don't judge guys like the way men judge girls, i mean if a girl is not attractive in a mans eyes more than likely they wont want to bother to speak to them (don't assume this is me) i am just generalizing, but girls are interested in how we are and what we have to say etc. i mean i know this based on the fact my ex went out with someone shorter than her and he looked like an old chav looking rat
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