confused and broken Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 In my other post someone pointed out to me that I have been saying one thing and meaning another... From that I started to think I was probably testing and playing games One of the examples was I said I just wanted to be friends when obviously I feel a lot more... From my point of view I wanted to be just friends because I like being around him, but I know I relationship will never work after many many attempts I guess now I have figured out that I can't be friends with him either... After years of dysfunctional relationships I am starting to question... If I can be part of a relationship that works?
ZenSilk Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 The first step is to believe that you can. Believing that you can't is an irrational belief, as you're certainly capable of working towards a healthy relationship. Then try to figure out what is keeping your from being in healthy relationships. Why are you holding on to dysfunctional ones? As for this guy, if you know that it's not a "just friends" situation for you, get the hell out of there. Take your distance until you know that you can be friends without wishing for more. Then focus on guys who are actually an option. Are you afraid of being in an actual relationship? Think you aren't worth it? These might be hidden irrational beliefs but it'll be worth to look at them.
Author confused and broken Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 The first step is to believe that you can. Believing that you can't is an irrational belief, as you're certainly capable of working towards a healthy relationship. Then try to figure out what is keeping your from being in healthy relationships. Why are you holding on to dysfunctional ones? As for this guy, if you know that it's not a "just friends" situation for you, get the hell out of there. Take your distance until you know that you can be friends without wishing for more. Then focus on guys who are actually an option. Are you afraid of being in an actual relationship? Think you aren't worth it? These might be hidden irrational beliefs but it'll be worth to look at them. I think that I am afraid of being in an actual relationship... I was in a 6 year relationship that I thought was for life and now I guess I am terrified... I also feel like no one could ever love me the same as my ex did?? So there are some of my irrational beliefs, but what do I do with them??
ZenSilk Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Well, it sounds easier than it is, but what you do is just dismantle them. You have to start being skeptic with those beliefs. If you thought that R was supposed to last forever of course you're terrified now, because you probably will look for something "perfect" again. However, you have to have the guts to be in a R again and know that it might not be forever, that you'll be in that R as long as it works. If you look at the positive side of it, no matter how it works out, you will have a new experience by being with someone else, and that will take you, as a person, one step further. You have to see it as a benefit for you, for your personal development. When you think about your other fear, that noone will love you that way, you can just start by asking yourself: why? Give yourself some good reasons that nobody will be able to love you like your ex. If you come up with any GOOD reasons, tell me.
Author confused and broken Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 I have no good reasons....... My ex just came out of nowhere, was so in love with me, and was willing to do anything for my attention....... I have never had an experience like that since..... Am I suppose to believe I ever will.... Or just have confidence that it is ok if things are different??? As in a relationship that starts on more equal footing.... There is really no part of me that believes I will ever be swept off my feet again..... Is that a realistic belief??
ZenSilk Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Every relationship you have will be different. You'll feel different for every guy. You might never be swept off your feet like this. There are so many ways to fall for someone... and you'll find out that the most intense one isn't always the one that gives rise to a long lasting relationship. So why it might be a realistic belief that you won't be swept off your feet *like this*, it is not one to think that you won't be happy in a relationship again. What I'm trying to say is, embrace what comes. If you believe you can't fall for someone else you're gonna make it harder for yourself to fall. And it is definitely a good idea to be confident that it's ok if things are different. We tend to have a very defined idea of what we think will be good for us, but it's usually an illusion to make us believe we have some control over something. But the truth is, what will bring you somewhere is having trust in life. Just knowing that things will change and that's ok. Changes will always allow yourself to develop.
Author confused and broken Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Every relationship you have will be different. You'll feel different for every guy. You might never be swept off your feet like this. There are so many ways to fall for someone... and you'll find out that the most intense one isn't always the one that gives rise to a long lasting relationship. So why it might be a realistic belief that you won't be swept off your feet *like this*, it is not one to think that you won't be happy in a relationship again. What I'm trying to say is, embrace what comes. If you believe you can't fall for someone else you're gonna make it harder for yourself to fall. And it is definitely a good idea to be confident that it's ok if things are different. We tend to have a very defined idea of what we think will be good for us, but it's usually an illusion to make us believe we have some control over something. But the truth is, what will bring you somewhere is having trust in life. Just knowing that things will change and that's ok. Changes will always allow yourself to develop. Thanks for all the awesome advice and support Zensilk I really needed someone to tell it to me like it is
ZenSilk Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Thanks for all the awesome advice and support Zensilk I really needed someone to tell it to me like it is Glad to help. I wish you luck on the journey And we'll be around for all the questions that will arise
Recommended Posts