DopestarObscene-x Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 My partner broke it off after a year because he was having a rough time and needed space to sort himself out. We'e been apart just over a month now. His father died six months ago and I noticed everything changing from then. We still saw each other, still kept in good contact, but he was just distant all the same. About a month before we broke up I managed to get him to open up to me. Basically he said he didnt like who he was, how things were (but nothing was wrong with our relationship), and he just felt really low. He'd been depressed for a while and before we got together he was so close to ending it. In a way he says I saved him from that, but he was just falling into that major depression again. When we finished he was pretty horrible to me for a while, naturally I was upset. He just told me he didnt love me anymore and that was that. Over time we managed to maintain some sort of friendship and things improved between us, although we just stayed friends. He was at his doctor last week and he said he had severe depression, and referred him to a psychiatrist, which he went to today. Again I got him to open up a little bit more, and he said that he just doesn't know how he feels about me, doesnt know how he feels about anything or anyone. One day his mates are the best people on earth, the next he hates them all. One day he's so happy he feels high, the next he wakes up and starts to cry because he's still alive and has to 'deal with himself' and live another day. It was pretty upsetting to hear. He more or less asked for me to wait a few more weeks until he sorts himself out and feels more in control and can see more clearly how he feels. He knew he was asking a lot of me, but said if I do meet someone else just to go on, he's not going to hold me back. At the end of the day, it was down to me if I wanted to wait. He just wants me as a friend at the moment. I asked him how would he feel if I felt it was too hard and wanted to just walk away and not wait on him and he said he'd feel pretty awful. I'm just finding it hard to keep all my emotions seperate and I'm worried that because I'm hoping we will eventually get back together, I'm just setting myself up to get hurt. To make matters more complicated, I slept with someone else at the weekend. We're not together so technically I did nothing wrong, but I felt SOOO guilty about it. I told him what happened and he seemed pretty upset about it. He doesnt hate me for it though. I explained my reasons and I think I only did it because I wanted someone to show me what I wanted him to, if that makes any sense. I honestly have no interest in the other guy at all. Now any time I talk to my ex he asks has this guy been in contact, but in fairness before that he always asked was there anyone interested in me. When we were together he wasnt the jealous type at all. Now he's coming to see me at the weekend so we can discuss this whole thing. It just makes me wonder does he care at all or is it strictly just friends only from now on? I understand his need for me to be just a friend for now, but Im talking about in the future. Our relationship was great, no problems whatsoever, we were very well matched. I'm just hoping I'm not desperately clinging on to something I've lost for good
Ronni_W Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I understand his need for me to be just a friend for now, but Im talking about in the future. As you say, it sounds as if he is suffering from clinical depression (and perhaps even something more), for which he is getting help -- congrats to him, for that! For him, it is a time of just day-to-day coping. Due to his current condition, there is no "future" to which it is worth expending too much emotional energy -- he has precious little energy to spare...and what he does have, he needs to be focusing on his own needs! YOUR needs and/or questions about a "future" is likely one of the last things that will help him through this difficult time in his life. Unfortunately, the more "clinging" and self-focused you become (which is how your post comes across), the greater burden you put on his already over-burdened mental and emotional resources, the less understanding and compassionate you seem, the further you drive a wedge between you, the less likelihood of a positive outcome -- whether that is friendship or romance. An alternative perspective is to find out how to offer positive support and encouragement to someone who is suffering from clinical depression.
Author DopestarObscene-x Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Thanks for the reply. I am realising that for now I should concentrate on being friends and supporting him...no relationship talk. He obviously still seems interested if he's asking me to wait it out until he feels more in control of himself and can figure out better how he feels. It's just difficult needing to keep everything seperate, you know? I'm trying not to think too much about myself, because as he said to me it's time for him to be a bit selfish and focus on himself for now, because its what he needs. If I push the issue too much then I could end up with nothing. I guess I just want everything to be the way it was.
Ronni_W Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I guess I just want everything to be the way it was. (((hug))) I do understand that. My guess is that HE would love that way more than you can ever even imagine! I really am pretty confident in saying that this is NOT what he had in mind for his own future. And I don't mean that in context of you or not you -- what he is going through has absolutely nothing to do with you or anyone else. You can encourage him to feel good about taking care of himself by letting him know that for him to focus on his own needs right now is NOT "selfish" at all. It is his responsibility, obligation, duty to himself. For you to place some thought on his needs right now would be compassionate of you. So, really...stopping with clinging to and pining for the past, looking at and making a positive difference in the present, and planning for your own happy and successful future...how does that sound?
torranceshipman Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I just wrote a long post then lost my internet connection and it vanished, damn! To summarise: I was once in your position, and I can tell you his behavior is quite common for someone who has suffered a bereavement. Dont feel guilty about the other guy and try to move on 100% - please do not try to wait for this guy...he might love you and give you MANY mixed messages that he is still into you (he might well be) - but a romantic R is NOT on his radar right now, and he wont want or be able to deal with something like that for a long time - so he can't be a boyfriend to you or anyone for a very long time. If you can be a good friend to him right now, it'll help him so much, but if the split was v.hard on you, don't put the pressure on yourself to help him through his grief, else you'll never get over him! Go NC for a while if you need to and he'll understand. ON the plus side, after some NC me and the ex ended up being friends and I really was there for him through the bad times....he loves me for that and I love him a lot too (platonically) and now we have a close friend in eachother for life, which is 100% worth having (although also a bit hard to negotiate at times because he often tries to move things past friendship, and it's clear we care a lot for eachother, the chemistry is also still there, but I know him well enough to know it wouldnt work now!-he's still so vulnerable despite it being 1.5yrs since his father passed away-it takes so much time for people to move past these things sometimes-plus I love our friendship now) Good luck, I know its hard-I've been where you are now so I can really empathise with what you're going through...
Author DopestarObscene-x Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Slight update on the whole situation... I was talking to my ex earlier on MSN and the whole thing with me and the other guy came up. Basically he's extremely hurt by it because recently he had been thinking about how much he missed me and was thinking that maybe we could give things another go. Now he needs more time to think and see if he can get past this because all he can think of at the minute is of me and the other guy, he doesnt know if he can ever forget about it, or at least get to the point it doesnt become an issue. He hopes he can though. We're gonna talk about it this weekend, hes coming to see me on Sunday. I was close to getting him back, but ended up messing it all up again. Urgh . Fingers crossed though. I wish it had never happened.
ladyinlimbo Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I don't mean to sound insensitive to your situation but when I read your original post, I couldn't help but think *why* did you tell him that you've recently slept with someone? The poor guy is going through so much and that detail, to me, seemed like "too much information." If you're not in a relationship, there was no need for you to admit this. Do you think your reason for telling him was to "see if he'd be jealous"? Now of course this information is bothering him and he's scrambling by suggesting you 2 try again. Sorry but I don't think he needed to be told this. Now he's got one more thing to weigh him down, emotionally. I don't blame you at all for sleeping with the other guy but to tell your ex about it, when he's struggling with a severe depression? Sorry but it seems a little heartless and selfish to me. he didn't need to know this.
Author DopestarObscene-x Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 He asked. I told. If I lied it would have made everything worse.
ladyinlimbo Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 He asked. I told. If I lied it would have made everything worse. Oh, I didn't gather from your original post that he'd "asked" you. You made it sound like you volunteered this info, out of feeling a lot of guilt for having done it: "To make matters more complicated, I slept with someone else at the weekend. We're not together so technically I did nothing wrong, but I felt SOOO guilty about it. I told him what happened and he seemed pretty upset about it."
torranceshipman Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I think the last thing he needs is R trauma at this point (not blaming you or anything, its just the situation seems like another bg stress on him)...
justaman99 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 When my Father passed away a couple years ago I tuned out everything. My work, my social life, and my then gf. It was very hard on her. She just didn't understand. I didn't understand. A son to lose his father is one of the biggest losses in his life. It's VERY difficult to deal with because in most cases he was your guide as a man, how to be a man, and how to become one. It's rough trust me. He may need some time to really get his head around it. It took me 2 years and I don't think I'm still fully through it. -Just
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