Almost ready to throw in the towel, but I love her.

[CharlesFarley]

Well here goes...

 

I've recently seperated (as of a few months ago) from a woman that I've been with in a common-law relationship for the last 7 years steady. I would have to say that things were actually pretty good with her, but we just ran out of gas. Now we are friends and we keep in touch once a week. Moving onward... I've become interested in a woman that I've known since I was 13 years old. (I'm now 32). We've been friends since we were kids and we've often bumped into each other on occasion and spent time together (as friends) over the years. She's now 29, and she has a good little 11 year old boy. No problem with kids.

 

Well we've both matured and changed quite a bit since we last saw each other which was quite a few years ago. Well we found each other again through Facebook and decided to "hook-up". After seeing each other again after all those years in person there was immediate chemistry between us, and things really took off. We casually dated for a few weeks and then decided that since I was moving we would try and find a place together and "what the heck" move in together. I know I know, probably a mistake so early in the game. But I've had serious relationships all my life that involved me living with my girlfriend(s) so I'm not new to it, nor did I have any issues with doing it. So we found a nice rancher together and it's a step up from where we used to live in terms of quality.

 

Now the grind sets in. Sharing a bathroom, bedroom, food, supplies and just about everything (including money). Now things are serious and very intertwined at this point. So follows the fighting. I know that fighting is normal in a serious relationship but usually to a certain degree and without violence or negative bashing to a serious degree. So far we've pushed each other in the heat of anger and thats the extent of the physical violence. But the verbal diarea that comes out of our mouths when we're mad is insane. It's almost like we're competing with each other and we lose complete sight of the fact that we love each other. I'm not going to completely blame her and it always takes "two" to fight and argue. But when she gets in my face and screams, or "gives up" and says "I can't do this anymore" it leaves me with no choice but to give up. The last few serious fights we've had, I was forced to submit to her anger and begin the "appology list" so I could calm her down enough to talk to her and tell her what she did wrong. It almost feels like I'm the only one after a heated fight to break the ice and begin communication regardless of who started it or how it happened. I don't think I can handle that anymore, it's wearing me out.

 

I'm really just trying to figure out if this is one-way-love here. Is it that I love her but that she doesn't love me and thats why it's so easy for her to shut down and give up on things? Or is it that she does love me and just can't see past her anger or defense mechanisms? I'm confused as hell because I can't read her, she's all over the place. One minute it's "You know I love you and would never leave you" and then when a big fight happens it's "I can't handle this anymore, It's done". Then after having a pride swollowing experience of getting her off her high horse so I can talk to her and talk some sense into her, she tells me she didn't mean to say that and she said it out of anger. So what gives? Do I believe her and carry on letting her "act out" the contrary to what she's saying, and let it slide, or do I throw in the towel here?

 

The last thing I would like to mention is... I don't think it's healthy that she runs out everytime we have a fight and tells our neighbors, friends, and family "in detail" how we argue and fight and the substance of our arguments. I really feel like I have no privacy now with those people.

 

Thanks, hopefully someone can help me here...

[Shygirl15]

The last few serious fights we've had, I was forced to submit to her anger and begin the "appology list" so I could calm her down enough to talk to her and tell her what she did wrong.

 

It could have helped more if you at least described in detail nature of some of your arguments so that we can try figure if she was in fact wrong, as you say.

 

As far as her shutting down is concerned, I have a somewhat similar kind of personality. I tend to shut down after or during an argument, not because I do not love the person, it's just that fighting wears me out completely and need some alone time to recover from all the harsh words, and screaming and all that. Sometimes I shut down so that the argument stops.

 

Anyway, the best way to avoid these arguments in relationships, is to stop when conversation starts to get heated, and find another time to continue discussion when everybody has calmed down. Looks like neither of you is willing to back down during your arguments which is why you escalate to a point of pushing, screaming and all that, probably in front of that good little 11-year boy. Really bad.

[Star Gazer]

It could have helped more if you at least described in detail nature of some of your arguments so that we can try figure if she was in fact wrong, as you say.

 

 

Agreed - we need more info.

[CharlesFarley]

Fair enough, some more details...

 

When we argue it's usually something minor that inflates to something larger. But the problem lies in our communication. When she starts getting mad her tone shifts and she starts yelling in a condascending/demanding manner to try and express her points. It doesn't take her long to get mad and she usually holds a temper for several hours. She becomes excessively and verbally abusive (in words) and uses alot of reverse psychology and snappy come-backs. When I project that something bothers me and then try and explain it to her, she always tries to talk me out of my feelings and twist it so that it ends up being something I did wrong, not her. It's rinse-and-repeat every time. I tell her she upsets me to the point where I want to leave, she says "Go ahead". Whenever I get close making a succesful "point", she closes up and says "No, you know what.. I'm done here". Rinse-and-repeat. It's almost text-book. The hard part here is trying to determine if she really means some of the things she says when she's angry and then filter through them. Admittingly I'm so confused and messed up emotionally here that it's causing doubts.

 

Our last argument lasted 3 hours straight and on the last hour when things were starting to calm down and unwind I said to her "You know I don't think this is going to last" so that I could see how she felt in response to that. She said "You know, I think your right". Then I said "I find it convenient that when I suggest seperation, you just agree with me and then not explain why!" she doesn't even comment on it, or state why she thinks it should be over. Nothing. Then after talking a little further she calms down and I calm down, then it's showering together, having dinner, making love and then her telling me during, sometimes before that she didn't mean any of that and that she loves me. The frustrating part is her wavering between the two.....one minute she agrees thinks it's time to pack it in and she admits openly and I quote "I'm not going to be the one to end it". Then she tells me later on that same day that she didn't mean it and she wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Wow. So do I take her anger literal based on the notions that she might actually really feel that way and she's merely covering it up with the love-sh_t so I won't walk out on her. Yet when she's really mad she has no problem letting me leave. It's usually me that phones her or caves in and comes home. She never chases.

 

The only thing that seems to bother her the most about me is the fact that I too don't back down and I will hold an argument for a long time. I admit sometimes I don't allow us to have the time apart that we need to cool down. I think thats something I need to learn to do. Things might not get so heated if I just learn to walk away. I'm just worried that if I walk away I may want to stay away, or she may not want me to come back. As I mentioned above she doesn't chase and I think in a relationship if the feelings are mutual it's a "chase/chase" scenario not always the same person chasing the other. Otherwise that seems one-sided to me.

 

As for the shoving or intense screaming, our 11 year old boy has never really been in direct light of that. We've always asked him to go outside and play with his friends while we hash things out. We usually try to avoid him being exposed to it. But like alot of parents sometimes thats hard to do. The other thing too is she sometimes talks pretty harsh to him, almost in the same manner she does to me. Sarcastic and condascending. Now he's starting to learn that from her and he's projecting it back on her. I usually have to step in and break it up and calm her down and talk to him.

 

Anyway the biggest deal here is... do I take this whole scenario as a sign that things aren't working out, or is it just the normal struggles and "maintenance" that's required to keep the relationship moving forward that I am experiencing here? Because I can say this... the last woman I was with would never verbally abuse me or poke, prod, or use low-blows in an argument the way she does. So it's almost as though I feel completely un-loved and disrespected when it happens. I always thought that if you love someone strongly enough you can see through your anger and have some degree of limits to what you'll say to that person knowing that some verbal comments cause emotional damage. She has no limits.

 

Thoughts?

[Jilly Bean]

I don't think the nature of your arguments is the problem. It's that you are separated from a 7-year relationship, and moved in with a woman after dating for a few weeks.

 

THATS the problem.

[CharlesFarley]

I don't think the nature of your arguments is the problem. It's that you are separated from a 7-year relationship, and moved in with a woman after dating for a few weeks.

 

THATS the problem.

 

We've actually known each other for over 20 years and were friends the entire time. Then we made the leap. We've been dating for about 6 months now, living together. But I see your point. So you're saying that if I had avoided living with her then I would have spotted the issues prior and might have made a different decision, right?

 

Ok well that doesn't really help me now. I need to decided whether this whole thing is just "work" to a better ending, or not working toward a bitter ending here.

[Jilly Bean]

We've actually known each other for over 20 years and were friends the entire time. Then we made the leap. We've been dating for about 6 months now, living together. But I see your point. So you're saying that if I had avoided living with her then I would have spotted the issues prior and might have made a different decision, right?

 

Ok well that doesn't really help me now. I need to decided whether this whole thing is just "work" to a better ending, or not working toward a bitter ending here.

 

Knowing someone as a friend for 20 years is quite different than embarking on a romantic relationship.

 

You allowed yourself NO time to heal from the ex, and just instantly rebounded into this woman. NOT good.

 

There are some people who are just afraid to be alone. They hop from relationship to relationship, regardless of timing, healing, geniune emotion, or lifestyle fallout.

 

It seems like you are one of these people...

 

I think most folks would chose to end a relationship, spend some time alone, work through the feelings, and a year or so later, consider dating again. That is, IMO, the healthy approach.

 

You dated this woman for a few weeks, then decided to move in together, mainly because you needed to find a new apartment. HARDLY the right criteria for furthering a commited relationship.

 

I think you need to MOVE out, find your own apartment, be SINGLE, and date CASUALLY. Whether you see it or not, you're not really ready for a new serious relationship, you just didn't want to be alone.

[CharlesFarley]

Knowing someone as a friend for 20 years is quite different than embarking on a romantic relationship.

 

You allowed yourself NO time to heal from the ex, and just instantly rebounded into this woman. NOT good.

 

There are some people who are just afraid to be alone. They hop from relationship to relationship, regardless of timing, healing, geniune emotion, or lifestyle fallout.

 

It seems like you are one of these people...

 

I think most folks would chose to end a relationship, spend some time alone, work through the feelings, and a year or so later, consider dating again. That is, IMO, the healthy approach.

 

You dated this woman for a few weeks, then decided to move in together, mainly because you needed to find a new apartment. HARDLY the right criteria for furthering a commited relationship.

 

I think you need to MOVE out, find your own apartment, be SINGLE, and date CASUALLY. Whether you see it or not, you're not really ready for a new serious relationship, you just didn't want to be alone.

 

Well it's not really a rebound, my relationship was over before it ended. We weren't sleeping together, did seperate things. I was the one that made the decision to leave. But I guess moving in with the *NEW* woman so soon wasn't a good idea. So for that I agree. As for being alone... I was quite content to do so, and the *NEW* woman talked me into getting a place with her. I didn't see the harm in it. So what is your honest opinion here, given what I've told you... do you think that perhaps we aren't really in love and too different.. from what you gathered so far?

[Jilly Bean]

Well it's not really a rebound, my relationship was over before it ended. We weren't sleeping together, did seperate things. I was the one that made the decision to leave. But I guess moving in with the *NEW* woman so soon wasn't a good idea. So for that I agree. As for being alone... I was quite content to do so, and the *NEW* woman talked me into getting a place with her. I didn't see the harm in it. So what is your honest opinion here, given what I've told you... do you think that perhaps we aren't really in love and too different.. from what you gathered so far?

 

Charles - just because you didn't overlap the relationships doesn't mean it isn't a rebound. Most people know to NOT get involved with people who are separated/divorced (and IMO, 7 years of living together is very much like a marriage) for at least a year after they end things. You went right from one woman to another. And even if you *think* you were over the first woman, there are residual feelings and issues that still need to be dealt with on a personal level.

 

And now you say the "NEW" woman talked you into getting a place with her? What is that all about?

 

And now you just posted a new thread that you are disappointed that she didn't jump at your marriage proposal?

 

Charles, you need to be alone in the WORST way. Mainly because it's crystal clear that you are terrified of being alone. Why would you propose to a woman that you even wonder if you should be with? Does this make sense?

[Lauriebell82]

Charles - just because you didn't overlap the relationships doesn't mean it isn't a rebound. Most people know to NOT get involved with people who are separated/divorced (and IMO, 7 years of living together is very much like a marriage) for at least a year after they end things. You went right from one woman to another. And even if you *think* you were over the first woman, there are residual feelings and issues that still need to be dealt with on a personal level.

 

And now you say the "NEW" woman talked you into getting a place with her? What is that all about?

 

And now you just posted a new thread that you are disappointed that she didn't jump at your marriage proposal?

 

Charles, you need to be alone in the WORST way. Mainly because it's crystal clear that you are terrified of being alone. Why would you propose to a woman that you even wonder if you should be with? Does this make sense?

 

Okay now I see what she was talking about regarding your other post.

 

Why did you ask this girl to marry you and expect her to jump right into it if this is what your relationship is like?????

[CharlesFarley]

Charles - just because you didn't overlap the relationships doesn't mean it isn't a rebound. Most people know to NOT get involved with people who are separated/divorced (and IMO, 7 years of living together is very much like a marriage) for at least a year after they end things. You went right from one woman to another. And even if you *think* you were over the first woman, there are residual feelings and issues that still need to be dealt with on a personal level.

 

And now you say the "NEW" woman talked you into getting a place with her? What is that all about?

 

And now you just posted a new thread that you are disappointed that she didn't jump at your marriage proposal?

 

Charles, you need to be alone in the WORST way. Mainly because it's crystal clear that you are terrified of being alone. Why would you propose to a woman that you even wonder if you should be with? Does this make sense?

 

 

LOL... all this from me simply stating that a woman who claims to love me should have said "Yes I would definately drop everything if you really mean to get married now, because I love you and want to be with you". But instead I got a different reaction and I was only trying to figure out and gauge her feelings at that point. I'm kind of sorry I did it here because everyone misunderstood what it was I was asking here. Instead I got the "third degree" on your rebounding and alone, and afraid to be alone.

 

Totally not it.

 

I was happily seperated, and moving onto something new. With someone I've known a very long time. We're in love, but love is complicated. So I came here to try and get some advice and opinions on it, not get disected and then misunderstood.

 

[Starbright_SB]

I feel like I'm in a similar position in regards to the fights. My boyfriend tends to disregard my concerns when we are fighting and i feel like sometimes he doesn't listen to what i am telling him, even if it is legit, and he just takes it personally and either turns it around to be my fault or he feels "bad" fr what he has done, ad instead of apologizing, he gets all grumpy and doesn't apologize!

 

I'm not even going to touch whether you moved on from your ex too soon, or moved in with the new girl too soon, that all happened and there is nothing you can change about it now.

 

Have you tried discussing your concerns with your girlfriend when things arent bad? what i did in my situation, is once we were both cooled off and ok with each other, i ask him FIRST what i could do when we are fighting to make things easier and prevent things from escalating too far. then once he explained everything and i felt i understood and he said there was nothing else, i asked him if he would then be willing to do some things different for me. so far it seemed to help because we talked about what the other person does that hurts us and why, and we are still both trying to do things to help the other. and maybe if talking about it isnt enough, write down what she asked you to do and put it up somewhere where you will see it often (but the 11 year old boy wont). You can;t control her actions, but at least if she sees that you are trying, maybe she will try and reciprocate.

 

i know you said you feel that you are the one doing all the loving, but undoftunately you are all you can control. like i said, maybe she will follow by example, and if not, i dont think she is worth yur time IMO. the fact that you are asking for help means that you are mature enough to admit that you are wrong too and are willing to try. I ould not put up with her behavior indefinately if i were you.

 

I also feel that her always saying she's gonna leave is very passive aggressive and almost a threat. It seems like she's saying it to challenge you to pack down and admit that she is right. if you feel that,maybe try nicely explaining it to her.

 

The best of luck to you, hopefully some of that helps!