McLovely Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I'm on the fence. I just started seeing a man who is recently divorced with young children in the picture. While it is expected that there would be a certain amount of fresh bitterness about a recent divorce, I am not so sure that he is ready to date. He is adamant that he does not want his ex-wife back. But he spends an awful lot of time complaining about her. It seems like every topic of conversation weaves its way back to what a horrible witch she is. He really is a great catch otherwise. That is why I have stuck around. I have tried to subtly bring up the negativity to see if he will tone down the ex-wife bashing, but that hasn't worked. How long should I give him to move on? Or should I give him any time at all?
Ruby Slippers Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 How long ago did he get divorced? It seems like every topic of conversation weaves its way back to what a horrible witch she is. I just posted a thread about my rebound relationship, and this was an early sign that it was a rebound -- we talked about my ex way too much. I think if you're talking about the ex often, that's a sign that you have not moved on and are not ready to see someone new.
saraispiel19 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I say be friends with him he obviously doesn't know post-divorce etiquette (spouse bashing is a no no people and especially the whining..eck), he also needs to move on a bit more. If he's a great guy I say stay close to him become his friend and help him through this. If you don't care about him in that way then screw it there are other guys out there. p.s. he's probably still hurt (most of the time bashing is a form of saying ouch it still hurts) so just give him room to grow Goodluck and keep us posted!
saraispiel19 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I think if you're talking about the ex often, that's a sign that you have not moved on and are not ready to see someone new. eehhh. wrong. (in my opinion) sometimes people need to vent and are angry it happend its not that they still love them or want to be with them it's simply another human being that is willing to listen to you.
Ruby Slippers Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 eehhh. wrong. (in my opinion) sometimes people need to vent and are angry it happend its not that they still love them or want to be with them it's simply another human being that is willing to listen to you. IMO, that stuff is better vented to friends, family, and neutral parties, not your new relationship prospect. The beginning stage of dating is best when it's about getting to know each other, not getting to know about the person's ex.
saraispiel19 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 True, True.. However, notice if your fresh out of a relationship they ask you about the previous. If they ask about it hey the asked for it! If not then I could see where your point rings true.
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 While I understand what you're saying Ruby Slipper, technically, you're hiding a piece of your life from someone who should be allowed to make a decision to proceed forward or not, based on the real person. McLovely, there are risks inherent with dating someone fresh out of a divorce or long-term relationship. They tend to be baggage-laden and vulnerable. You also risk being the rebound. What you might want to do is to suggest that he get some counselling, so he has somewhere to vent, with the potential for some guidance as to how to reroute his bitterness and anger, towards something more positive.
Shygirl15 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Men just don't get it. This behaviour is a big time turn-off. I was involved in an exact similar situation; it took me 4 months to move on. He has been divorced for 3 yrs but just couldn't stop bashing his ex. Sometimes he would ask me for advice on how to respond to her ex on certain things, other times he would cry to me on the phone after a fight with her. Geez. It all became too much. He too was a great catch, but so are others. I moved on. Anyways, I understand what you're going though. Maybe try bring it up with him? Tell him it annoys you; I never brought it up with my ex-BF by the way. I was too keen to move on, he had other garbage too besides that. I think if you mention it to him he'll stop doing that. Let's just hope that he'll not decide to find another person instead who will be willing to listen to his ranting on his ex.
Art_Critic Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Pay attention to the things he calls her... that is also how he would most likely treat you if you married and divorced.. I think if he has been divorced under a year.. ( and I mean the divorce being final ) then he is still working out all the pain and trying to still deal with what happened and place it all so he can move on... If he is calling her a witch then he is still bitter over the divorce and still needs time till he is dateable again
A.G.Doren Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I say be friends with him he obviously doesn't know post-divorce etiquette (spouse bashing is a no no people and especially the whining..eck), he also needs to move on a bit more. If he's a great guy I say stay close to him become his friend and help him through this. If you don't care about him in that way then screw it there are other guys out there. Goodluck and keep us posted! I think this is your best bet, but be careful with being there too much. Being his therapist could cause him to loose interest.
Ronni_W Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Or should I give him any time at all? Talk with him about your concerns. Tell him you see great potential for the two of you but NOT if he treats you more like a "vent buddy" or pseudo-therapist. Of course there will be times when he will appreciate your input about his "ex matters" but that needs to be put in perspective and kept to 'low levels'. Ultimately, it'll be up to his self-management if he wants to realize the potential he has with you, or squander it. You'll know it's time to quit when you start getting tired of saying, "Hey, Hon, you're doing it AGAIN! :("
Author McLovely Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Thanks for all the input everyone! Good advice. Wish me luck!
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Men just don't get it. This behaviour is a big time turn-off. Do you really think only men aren't the one's who don't get it. On average more women complain about their ex's than men and they are the one's trying to find out about the guy's ex's and want to know what they are feeling. My third ex was like that. There was not a time we talked she did not bring up her ex-husband and she was divorced for several years. Women "just don't get it. This behaviour is a big time turn-off." This is the thing, I can't say if it is right or wrong. Some people do complain about their exs because their is something still there (usually unresolved feelings vice true love). Sometimes they complain about their ex because they have nothing better to talk about or want some cuddling and "I'll be there to fill that void baby." kind of thing. How do you feel about it? Have you talked to him about his too much talking about his ex-wife, taking into some account for the time the two were together and what type of scars and adjustments he has to make? And maybe you are right, maybe he does need some time to himself. But, to find out for sure is that you have to know what you want and where you want to be in the relationship and make sure he is ready to meet SOME of your expectations of a single person. DNR
Shygirl15 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Do you really think only men aren't the one's who don't get it. On average more women complain about their ex's than men and they are the one's trying to find out about the guy's ex's and want to know what they are feeling. My third ex was like that. There was not a time we talked she did not bring up her ex-husband and she was divorced for several years. Women "just don't get it. This behaviour is a big time turn-off."DNR Ok, I understand it's a two-way street, but I was just referring to my own experience. I have had one ex-BF and one could-have-been-potential-boyfriend-if-it wasn't-for-the-ex-crap who couldn't stop talking about their ex. I just can't put up with that. I have an ex-HB too, and I don't talk about him, even on LS.
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