Mars Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I know there is probably 9567 threads with this issue, but I am not sure what to do. I will start from the beginning. I have been with my wife for over 7 years, we have been married for 3 (4 in August). We started to live together early in the relationship and we got married 2 months after we found out she was pregnant. We lived in a large city (she has always lived in this city) and we fought a lot. We had some financial issues (who doesn't) and this caused a lot of stress. While my wife was pregnant she didn't want me around, she didn't care if I went out all the time (I love to play Pool). After my son was born I didn't help as much as I should have with the everyday tasks of taking care of a child. More and more problems popped up and it didn't seem like anything was getting better. My parents (mom and step father) live in a small town in Colorado and my mom has had a lot of health issues. I brought up one day that maybe we should look into moving, at first it wasn't a serious thought (I didn't think my wife would ever want to move) but she brought it back up a few weeks later thinking it was a good idea. We visited the area in Colorado and half way started to look for houses. About a year after we talked about moving I got in a car wreck and I am not sure what changed but I wanted to get out of the situation we were in. We sold my house and moved to Colorado. We lived with my parents for 5 months before we ought and got our new house ready to move into. Everything seemed to be going pretty well. We didn't fight much, no financial issues at all, no stress. Then I realized that something was different with my wife. She wasn't affectionate and it seemed like we turned into roomates who slept int the same bed. It went up and down for a while but I wasn't sure what to do. I thought (like a dumbass) the problem would fix itself. One day she wrote me a note on the computer that she wanted to move back to Arizona. She missed her family and friends and she wasn't happy here. We talked and decided we would work through it. During all this time we have talked about having another child (just talked). During this time I got a decent paying job (almost as much as I was making back in the big city) we purchased two more houses (one to rent out and one to move into after it was redone... which BTW should have been done 3 months ago but we have had problems with contractors) and then she told me one night that she wanted to go back to Arizona without me, that she doesn't feel the same about me that she once did and she thought we needed time apart. She said it wasn't anything I was doing now but rather problems we had in the past. She said she thought moving would change things, but she still felt the same. I tried doing everything I could to try and win "the love back" and it seemed to work for a while, we even talked about thinking of having another child... then everything went south again and we had another "I want to go back" talk. We went to a local pastor that we talked together, and then seperately and after talking to him seperatly she decided she didn't want to talk to him anymore. I am not sure what to do. She still wants to go back to Phoenix so we could have some time apart but I would not let her take our son unless she could assure me she would come back to try and work this out. I don't want my son to grow up in a "Broken Family" and will do anything to try and fix it. I grew up without my father (he past away when I was 10) and I know how hard that was for me. I know this is a different situation but I still know it will be hard on him and I don't want to put him through that. Is our relationship past the point of reconciliation? Should I go out and find a real Marriage and Family Therapist? I would really like to get the experiencines of the people who have been through this in the past.
saraispiel19 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Oh lordy I really am sorry for what is happening to your marriage- I really hate to see them get messy like this. Honestly what your wife needs in my prespective is some time apart- both you and her. She seems to be troubled and has shown you early signs of possible resent for her decision of either being with you or maybe making you feel tied down (believe it or not some women actually sabotage thier own marriage without knowing it). You already went to a pastor and going to a concilor or therapist would be great but they will in a sense tell you the same thing (but may give you better tools that may work and have a more positive effect). I think you should suggest it to her tell her the offer is still on the table and do not push her on the subject. The last thing you want to do right now is push her, if you become needy and pleady she will ultimately say things to you that will hurt and she will regret and do things on impulse. If she said she doesn't love you anymore it may be two things: -she doesn't FEEL in love with you: that sparky feeling is gone.. Truth is that's the "euphoric" stage of love. After a while you don't get the head over heals kind of puppy love and thats when it turns into TRUE love. Love isn't what hollywood has produced it out to be- it is not a series of moments where your intertwined with overwheliming feelings of lust and desire. Love is hard and is a commitment- you either love someone or you don't. You stick to them when they are ugly and become the frog your thought your prince (or princess) could never be. It's tough and if this is something that she cannot deal with then she does not love you. Love is not a feeling it is a decision you make. -she honestly does not love you: somehow people "lose" thier love for someone, I don't understand it personally. If you truly love somoene it doesn't go away- you still love them even if you are seperated from distance and all. All in all you must recall that you are a father to your children and if mother wants out and that proceeds to make her happier than she is with you, your family will be a lot stronger than if she were feeling misarable in a "forced" marriage. YES, there are "broken" families, but if you work hard at it and end it (if it does end) amicably then you are not a "broken" family. Although the parents are not together they can still be civilized people not only for thier children but for themselves in order to relieve future headaches. In the end my advice to you is to give her time and space. You don't want her to come back to you if she really doesn't want to (if you love her I am sure you would want her to be happy with or without you). I know this is easier said than done- but this will help you grow and teach the both of you new things and find out new prespectives on life. Goodluck to ya and keep us posted!
Author Mars Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Thank you for your reply. I have tried to give her some space and not try to be all "Touchy Feely" since she has been feeling this way. If we still lived in Arizona it would be easy, since she would be able to go to her parents/friends and get away and it wouldn't cause a problem with my son. I am not sure what to do at this point. The pastor told me to stand my ground and not let my wife take our son back to Phoenix because it might give her some a to work things out if she knew I was going to fight for our child and not just let them both leave and go back to Phoenix. He stated that if she decided to get a divorce she basically had two choices, go to Phoenix without my son or get divorced and live in Colorado. I don't want to cause issues and make the divorce (if it comes to that) hard on anyone but I also don't want to lose my son or be forced to move back to Arizona.
TrustInYourself Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Your pastor is saying to fight. Do you want to fight for your marriage and lose it, or let go and save it. Human nature 101. Tell your pastor to go screw himself.
Ronni_W Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I don't want my son to grow up in a "Broken Family" ...I grew up without my father (he past away when I was 10) ...and I don't want to put him through that. If your wife is willing to explore marriage counseling then yes of course that is an avenue to pursue. Quick math suggests your son is around 3 or 4. He will not think that his family is "broken" unless some grown-up tells him that it is. There are age-appropriate ways of explaining loss, whether it's divorce or death, that doesn't have to further traumatize the child(ren) who are affected. My dad died when I was 13, so I know what you're saying about that. But parents are NOT privy to their children's soul purpose and life lessons; parents do not have control over that and their children's life experiences. I get parents' deep need and desire to do what, from their own perspective, seems like "protecting" and "saving from a negative situation" but it IS okay to give some of that over to the child's Higher Power. Sending Love and Light.
Billy Bob Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Your pastor is saying to fight. Do you want to fight for your marriage and lose it, or let go and save it. Human nature 101. Tell your pastor to go screw himself. He's in an unusual predicament though.. If he lets her leave the state and relocate with her son, there is no way he will have custody or even partial custody... She's checked out, she wants out, it's pretty obvious. Do not let her relocate with your son, I would file for legal seperation and get a custody agreement drawn up ASAP.
Author Mars Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 He's in an unusual predicament though.. If he lets her leave the state and relocate with her son, there is no way he will have custody or even partial custody... She's checked out, she wants out, it's pretty obvious. Do not let her relocate with your son, I would file for legal separation and get a custody agreement drawn up ASAP. This is the exact predicament I am in. From what I am told if I let her take my son to Arizona for extended period of time and she decided she doesn't want to come back and get a divorce, then I will either have to give up custody of my son or move to Arizona. I don't want to give up custody and I firmly believe Phoenix is not a very good place to raise children. We currently live in a very small town in Colorado. She has agreed to counseling. Any tips on how to find the right councilor?
Mr. Lucky Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I would file for legal seperation and get a custody agreement drawn up ASAP. Even though it may seem counter-productive given your desire to make your marriage work, you need a legal arrangement that protects your relationship with your son. Take your wife's statements at face value (especially since she probably means them!) and see a lawyer ASAP. Doesn't mean you can't see a counselor and work on your marriage at the same time you're getting legal advice. How would you feel if you woke up tomorrow morning and your wife and son were gone ? Mr. Lucky
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 See a lawyer ASAP. And if she tries to leave without your kid without signing a agreement, you have her ass up on kidnapping charges! Also if you want to do couciling, go find the best pro-marriage councilor in your area. Plan A, be loving but not smothering. and focus on your child. She may have lost that spark but dont let her destroy your family just because she wants to run away and find the spark with someone else. The spark does fade but then we transition into what we call mature love not infatuation love.
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