BrianG Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Hey Everyone, Just needed some support not to break NC. I have been broken up with exgf for about 8 months now and roughly 4 months of NC. I haven't looked at her myspace, emailed, texted, called, etc. in four months. I have my good and bad weeks, and this week has been especially tough. I would have probably broken down sooner if it was not for the wonderful posts on this site that have kept me from breaking NC, in which I thank you. Anyways, I have been seeing a counselor for about 8 months now, working out, keeping busy, hanging out with friends, etc. However, I have really yet to jump into the dating scene because at first I was not ready, and second I did not think that would be fair to the other person involved considering I still have feelings for my ex. Third, I have not found anyone that I found interesting/attractive enough to pursue or whatever, until last week. I met this girl and we seemed to hit it off and got her number. I called her this week to see if she wanted to get together and she texted me "maybe we can get together this week." I said let me know and have not heard from her since. Anyways, I am not very enthusiastic with dating and I still think about my ex every morning when I wake up. I wonder how's she doing, what she is doing, how are her parents, is she dating someone, etc. I will always love her very much and be attracted to her so I know the possibility of friendship is non-existent. Before we broke up we were only living together for 6 months after being together for close to 5 years, and the last time we spoke she said that I was a jerk and since then it has really bothered me. Before I found this site I tried doing the begging, writing emails saying I'm sorry, talking about the relationship, etc. to get her back. I just still feel so pathetic. I have tried to lose all hope, but I admit i have a small shred of hope or I would not be contemplating breaking NC, because any post I have read on here has led to bad results. I know I wont break NC as tempting as it sounds because I know she does not feel the same way, and it will only hurt me. I miss her a lot, and I miss her not being in my life. Through counseling I have learned and worked on so many of the negative aspects of my personality/behavior, etc. in which she will never see and is one of the most important people to me that I would want to notice these positive changes in my life. Just sad and really missing her and needed to ramble and drum up some support of NC. Thanks!
northstar1 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Hey Everyone, Just needed some support not to break NC. I have been broken up with exgf for about 8 months now and roughly 4 months of NC. I haven't looked at her myspace, emailed, texted, called, etc. in four months. I have my good and bad weeks, and this week has been especially tough. I would have probably broken down sooner if it was not for the wonderful posts on this site that have kept me from breaking NC, in which I thank you. Anyways, I have been seeing a counselor for about 8 months now, working out, keeping busy, hanging out with friends, etc. However, I have really yet to jump into the dating scene because at first I was not ready, and second I did not think that would be fair to the other person involved considering I still have feelings for my ex. Third, I have not found anyone that I found interesting/attractive enough to pursue or whatever, until last week. I met this girl and we seemed to hit it off and got her number. I called her this week to see if she wanted to get together and she texted me "maybe we can get together this week." I said let me know and have not heard from her since. Anyways, I am not very enthusiastic with dating and I still think about my ex every morning when I wake up. I wonder how's she doing, what she is doing, how are her parents, is she dating someone, etc. I will always love her very much and be attracted to her so I know the possibility of friendship is non-existent. Before we broke up we were only living together for 6 months after being together for close to 5 years, and the last time we spoke she said that I was a jerk and since then it has really bothered me. Before I found this site I tried doing the begging, writing emails saying I'm sorry, talking about the relationship, etc. to get her back. I just still feel so pathetic. I have tried to lose all hope, but I admit i have a small shred of hope or I would not be contemplating breaking NC, because any post I have read on here has led to bad results. I know I wont break NC as tempting as it sounds because I know she does not feel the same way, and it will only hurt me. I miss her a lot, and I miss her not being in my life. Through counseling I have learned and worked on so many of the negative aspects of my personality/behavior, etc. in which she will never see and is one of the most important people to me that I would want to notice these positive changes in my life. Just sad and really missing her and needed to ramble and drum up some support of NC. Thanks! Sounds like you've made great progress in the past few months. Why jeopardize that by breaking no contact? Things dont' work for a reason, and you have gotten your life together and have moved on and are in a better spot. Both you and your ex appear to have moved on, best to keep it that way. I know the temptation is great to contact her - but I'd say stick with NC - it's worked for you so far. And think about this, you were with her for 5 years - being broken up for 8 months (4 with NC) is not all that long in the grand scheme of things - so just remember it will continue to get better.
PandaStillLovesBunny Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 My advice is to go out with the new girl you like. Even if you still have feelings for your ex, love is not a finite resource. You can feel love for any number of women, and still love one of them <i>more</i>. You already know that you like this girl, you just have to hang around her a bit more to discover if you love her. If you do not, there will be hurt involved - but life is not without pain; some people like to call that <b>work</b>. If I may, I'd like to direct you to the novel <i>Atlas Shrugged</i> by Ayn Rand. In this book, the character of Dagny Taggart is wooed by at least three different men who all accept that while they love her, they have flaws that have prevented them from being on the top. Dagny still loves Francisco d'Anconia and Hank Reardon - but she loves John Galt most of all. And since, as the author Rand hypothesizes, love is a reflection of your values in another person, the other men all respect her decision because they respect the man that she fell in love with. Sure, if Dagny had never met John Galt, she would have stayed with Reardon - but it would not have been the most that she could have achieved. She would have been limiting herself if she had said "well, I love Galt more, but I still love Reardon, so I'll stick to it." Likewise, Reardon and d'Anconia are not limited to pining away for Dagny until Galt dies or betrays his principles - they still feel love for her, but they can find another who embodies their values in much the same way. These characters, however, are those wonderful fictional creations that realize this, and do not pine for something that isn't there - they only feel love if something that they can love is present, and will not go out with just anyone unless they already know that she embodies the principles and qualities that they value. The reason why Dagny can go from d'Anconia, to Reardon, to Galt, and not feel much of a conflict is because she learns, over the course of the novel, more about what she loves and the men she loves. d'Anconia loses her because he adopts the guise of a rich playboy; Reardon loses her because his marriage to his frigid, controlling, critical wife has him believing that sex is evil and that his affair with Dagny is a sin. Basically, what I'm saying is that while you still love your ex, there is a flaw in her or your character that keeps her from loving you. If this other girl likes you, and you like her - and you must know exactly what it is you like about her, and whether this is acceptable before you can definitively say "I love her" - then you should go out with her. The other relationship is simply not there for some reason, and unless both of you know why you are in love, then it's not going to work out. Relationships fail when they are based on whim or spur-of-the-moment emotion divorced from thought. Don't get caught in the trap of thinking with your heart but ignoring your head. The two must work in concert if you are to get on with your life. You need to think about what <i>you</i> want, and go for it. I'm really not sure if any of the above is going to be useful to you, so I'll sum up my point thusly: FORGET THE EX, GO OUT WITH THE GIRL, BUT DON'T IGNORE WHAT YOUR SENSE IS TELLING YOU.
Peter_pan Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 hey buddy, sorry to hear about that, all i can say is it does get easier or more manageable at least! well i think its harsh that she did that to you, as it was 5 years. Its interesting i picked up on what you said >> Through counseling I have learned and worked on so many of the negative aspects of my personality/behavior, etc. in which she will never see and is one of the most important people to me that I would want to notice these positive changes in my life. i to saw a counselor after my case and i told them that i had got better etc since i had a personal problem whilst in the RE which was due to stress, anyway i told the person that i really wanted her to see the changes as she was the most important person to me to. and they told me, instead of doing things for her or trying to prove things to her you need to do them for yourself, no one else. if you can see the changes in yourself then that is the greatest achievement, you can prove to yourself you can do things which you may have found hard before, and it is this that makes you stronger and a better happier person. i was told by a friend of mine - s**t that dont kill you WILL make you stronger. and i always think of that in weak times. im not dead or dying and i will get out this the other side
sunshinegirl Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 It may be that part of the urge to contact her is simply that you need to get some thoughts and feelings "out". Have you done the classic thing of writing her a letter (that you don't send?). I have found it strangely therapeutic to post on the "Post Here" thread - I've vented everything from anger to sadness to missing him to love and everything in between.
Author BrianG Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 See the thing is the other girl that I recently met I did want to hang out with her but she has been very flaky. I thought we hit it off when we first met and when I called her to hang out she said "maybe we can get together this week" If I was interested in someone that I just met I would make at least some time or make some kind of an effort. I guess she is just not interested in hanging out with me. My self-esteem took a huge hit when I got dumped from my long-term ex, and the first girl I find interesting in 9 months "maybe" wants to hang out with me. Just feel like a loser today and wondering why I was so easy to let go or why someone doesn't want to hang out with me. Just kinda sad and depressed today.
confused and broken Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 It is depressing sometimes.......... But breaking NC only makes it worse much worse!!!!!! Take it from me I am the master at breaking NC... Maybe this new chick is not good for you either.........half interested is not what anyone is looking for.. Keep your eyes wide open there are lots of hotties out there find some that make your heart flutter, and then find one that is really interested It sounds like your on the right path don't give up 1
JustinWolf Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Yo BrianG, haven't been on the forums for a while now, just read your post. You're doing great progress, hey, get into dating the new girl you met. Seriously because it's going to help more and eventually help you forget the other one, the more you stay single you may have thoughts of your ex, until that amazing new girl comes at you. So try out with this new girl and have some fun, enjoy. Also, try calling her(edit: the new girl lol, just to be sure), show her you are interested. If you see that she's not then, screw it. best of luck BrianG!
Author BrianG Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 thanks Justin, have not seen you around in a bit. I have not posted much, but come here to read posts when i get the urge or feel down. It helps feeling like I'm not the only one out there. I won't break NC no matter what, I guess unless she contacts me, which I doubt she will. Thank you everyone for your words.
JustinWolf Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Actually, taking a distance from these forums helped me too. The less I checked the updates here, the more I was concentrated on myself and doing activities that brought me joy. Honnestly, I haven't thought of "her" as much as before and I still DO love her but I've been with other women and THAT helped me a lot. And it helped me know what kind of women I like to be around with and with whom I'd like to spend the rest of my life. I don't believe that loving someone and being with someone is bad cuz honnestly most of the girls I was with knew about my love history, didn't have to hide it but that came a while after the relationship so I wouldn't talk about it unless I knew it could be talked about. It helped me to see other women, I don't know if it's going to help you. I can tell you one thing though, knowing that there's someone loving you and caring for you is enough to make you wonder less about the past and concentrate more on your present.
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