NoChance Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 What do you do if you are the loser of the group? Accept it, find new friends or try to change the way things are? I hang out with a great group of guys (4 of them usually). We are all in our early 20’s and in college. They treat me with respect, consideration and etc that I have never been shown from some of my other longest-term friends. They do nothing to make me feel bad about myself or anything like that, but things that are out of my control, do nothing but hurt my already lacking self confidence To start, everyone in this group lives on the same street besides me. Moving is not an option for me and I make a effort to drive over a lot but I always feel like I’m missing out as everyone besides me does everything from going for dinners to even just chilling and watching TV together. I cant and don’t want to always be there hanging out with them, but when I hear about random last minute things they did that I missed out on, I always get jealous/frustrated for some reason. To make matters worse for me at least, all four of these guys look like they are straight out of an Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue. None of them workout, but they look like they should be on fitness magazines. I’m not ugly, but when I go out with these guys I cant help but feel like ****. I have never gone to a club/bar with them and not have seen gorgeous girls approaching them. As two of them are sports stars at my college, everyone knows who they are, and everyone knows me as that guy who’s their friend. Every single one of them gets hit on without doing anything, and they always seem to leave with a girl. Before I met these guys, I used to think I had some game, but now it seems whenever I go out with them, nobody even notices me there. Lastly is money. I’m not broke, but I’m a full time student who pays for everything himself. 2 of these guys are here on full sports scholarships and all are from very wealthy families. They are always going out and doing things and inviting me, but I usually turn them down because I cant afford to just waste money like they can. To get me to go out with them, they even have tried to cover my expenses, but I have always turned them down because I don’t want to be their charity case. I’m turning down plans because I have no money and I think my reasoning is being misinterpreted by them as I’ve been getting invited less and less (for both free things and things that cost money). I’ve never had a group of friends like this. They are good looking, popular, wealthy, very good with the ladies, they live a fun/party life, but still are good students. Most importantly, they are all good people, having shown this time after time with many considerate things. I don’t want to phase myself out of the group, but I don’t want to be stuck feeling/being the loser of the group. I realize most of this is my own confidence problem, but I need to get over it. Any suggestions on what I can work on? I’m tired of being invisible in my friends shadows.
monkey00 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 When I was younger I used to feel bad about being left out of certain activities or having my friends hangout and not have any clue about it (or not called up). But I think my reasoning for that happening at times is that some of my friends view me as a busy person. That was partly true, I was out pursuing jobs/working, busy with school, even a career. Responsibilities like those in life, even if it's financial issues that puts a cap on your social life are expected from people. Anyway you get used to it, people will hang out every now and then and forget to call you or I could be doing the same and forgetting to call certain people out. In your situation, if you're not feeling like an equal among your friends (regardless of your social status) then it might be better off for you to find other friends whom you deem to be more on your level. If you don't want to do that, you can choose to get over your insecurities and just hang out with them..remember friends accept you for who you are they won't judge you.
Pedigree Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I would not recommend that you get a new group of close friends because think about it: 1. It's not like they're mistreating you. 2. You can leech off their popularity . Only thing I can suggest is be more confident. Next time they bring girls over to your desk, make sure your voice is heard. You're in a good spot, man, don't throw it away.
Ronni_W Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 My guess is that they would not be hanging out with you if you didn't bring a lot of your own positives to the group, and didn't contribute your own positives to the individuals. What are your strengths and positive qualities that they are seeing, that you've forgotten about, or are hiding from, or just plain never saw in yourself? If you need help with your list, ask for help from people with whom you are close -- could be one or all of these guys (individually), or a sibling, uncle or cousin. Feel free to also post your talents and strengths here so we can all celebrate with you!
GPFan Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Perception, perception, perception... Everything is perception and yours is skewed. I, too, was blessed with the ability to attend Uni without supporting myself. I will never forget a woman I met shortly after graduation. I was honoured to work with this woman who I had great respect for. You see she went back to school for her degree after a divorce. She had two young children at the time, one of whom was handicapped. I felt like the lesser person after knowing her because I couldn't be sure I would have been able to achieve what she did under those circumstances. Who knows what she thought of me? We got along just fine and, as I stated, I carried tremendous admiration for her. In your situation, you perceive yourself as the 'loser.' I doubt very much your peers would agree with you. Your description of your relationship with them doesn't betray any sense of them looking down upon you. You never know unless you ask, they may admire you too!
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