soconfused01 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 so I think my bf's ex is a skank. My boyfriend used to compare me sexually/emotionally to his past girlfriends, particularly his last ex. That was seriously uncool and the behavior is forgiven/forgotten. But that made me uncomfortable around her for a long time, still am a bit. Now, I am not omnipotent and I don't know this girl very well and completely concede that I could be wrong if I knew her better. But what I do know about her is, 1. she is promiscious (which I am not opposed to so long as both parties are aware of what the terms are), 2. she gave my boyfriend an STD when they were dating (to be fair they were in an open relationship- or at least her part in it was open.) 3. She slept with a good friend's girlfriend and still does (the other girl is hands-down a tramp- no one who knows her questions that). 4. She does not inform her partners that she has an std/s and has unprotected sex with them. (denial of mutual informed consent) 5. I know of one instance where she slept with a guy to get him to like her and he treated her like **** afterwards (I feel pity, but also feel like she got treated how she acted). 6. When I tried three times to talk to her face to face about the tension between us, she ignored me. So, my question is- am I being judgemental to think she's a skank? I'm not going around telling everybody my feelings about this but my boyfriend knows how I feel and thinks I am on a high horse. This makes me feel quilty because I dont' want to seem like i'm imposing puritanical beliefs on anyone, and I don't think my beliefs are very puritanical anyway. he seems really upset about this and I just can't lie to him and tell him I don't think she's a tramp when he presses me. thoughts? edit: I put this under this topic because I'm not too good to say i'm sure of my insecurity and anger towards this girl comes from a weird jealousy- the fear that he prefers her over me. or at least condones her actions (bein' skanky) over mine (not bein' skanky, possibly being judgemental)
backto1 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I don't blame you at all. I can't stand people like this and I avoid them at all costs. The worst part is the STD thing...wow. I hope someone sues her skank ass soon. In fact, I'd take it so far to question your boyfriend's judgment in being with her. My view is probably a little hardcore so I wonder how others will respond.
Author soconfused01 Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 oh I did definitely go through questioning his judgement but I decided that his past was in his past and I will *try* to save my judgement of him for how he treats me now. and yeah the std thing is my biggest pet peeve, especially since I now have HPV and I don't know who gave it to him.
backto1 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Yes, HPV is pretty common from what I've read. But anyways, if you know everything about the ex and are willing to be with your boyfriend, why are you worried about her now? Do they stay in contact?
Author soconfused01 Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 yeah they do. and I'm ok with that now. I'm not worried about it but he's brought it up because he's pissed that I think she's a skank. Apparently this translates to him as me thinking he's a skank as well, since he's done much the same stuff in the past (except for the std thing) but my point is is that he's not doing that now, while she continues to. and also, he's a man. ok before anyone jumps down my throat I think as a general rule it's much of a truism to say that the term manwhore is a little redundant... he's a man who has used some women in the past, cheated on people, etc. this girl uses and is used today. maybe I'm being sexist.
backto1 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Dude...If I had a girl who dated a scumbag, insecure, diseased manwhore and then she kept in contact with him, compared me to him, kept in contact with him ANNNDD defended him I'd drop her so f*cking fast it wouldn't be funny.
EnigmaXOXO Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Everybody is judgmental, whether they go to extreme lengths to hide and/or deny that fact in front of others or not. Even judging someone to be “judgmental” is ... well ... judgmental! So now that that’s out of the way ... I think you may be displacing your resentment for your boyfriend’s insensitive remarks on his ex. It doesn’t sound much like you’ve forgotten or forgiven as much as you’ve shifted the responsibility for your injury onto someone else. Understandable. That kind of hurt cuts deep, and isn’t as easily forgotten as we’d like to think. Which probably explains why it’s still a festering cancer in your relationship. But you’ve got to try and remember, he’s the one who compared the two of you in a negative light and started this psychological competition that’s now brewing in your head. Shoot, I’d be less worried about the pedigree of his ex, and more concerned about the character of the man who treats you like this and seems (by both word and deed) to actually prefer that type of relationship partner to the one he’s found in you. Judgmental or not ... I think you could do a whole lot better than competing with past relationship ghosts over this nit wit.
porter218 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I would just tell him that if he doesn't like the way you think of her then he shouldn't talk to you about her. Simple...why doesn't he get it?
RavenHair Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Dude...If I had a girl who dated a scumbag, insecure, diseased manwhore and then she kept in contact with him, compared me to him, kept in contact with him ANNNDD defended him I'd drop her so f*cking fast it wouldn't be funny. I totally agree. And as another poster said, everyone is jugemental to a degree. If it walks like, talks like and acts like (a skank, in this case) then it IS. There's nothing wrong with you feeling that way about her. From what you've said, I think she's pretty nasty too. I would also really wonder why your BF is defending her when he's with you.
Carmen87 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I would not be cool with my boyfriend comparing me to this girl. I would start to think something more may be going on. I would drop him.
MrsHellnofires Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 i dont think it's very healthy being this obsessed over a bf's ex. why do you even care what she's doing now of days? if she wants to be (in your terms) a "skank", how is this affecting you and why should you care? i really think it sounds like your bf is on her level though. dating him is just as good as dating her. in fact, it sounds like you both are obsessed with the ex.. is this really a good relationship? but you are so worried about this girl's life and her whoredom that you are completely ignoring the negatives on your current mate. comparing someone to your ex consistently and persistently hurting their feelings is a hell of a lot worse than sleeping around (if you want to call sleeping around bad). in fact, it's not even comparable. Is this the same guy who emotionally abused YOU? http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t145618/ I really think you should heed your own advice on another post you made. being emotionally raped can be just as harmful: "jesus christ. move out, stay at a friend's house or a shelter until you can. all the inconvienience is not worth getting raped again, remember that! get away and seek therapy " what do i think? you are better than both of them and all this drama! date a little. why so much exclusivity with this dud? find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be. im sorry but any guy who would EVERRRRR compare you to someone else in the bedroom or whatever is no prize! what the heck does it say about him when he seems to value things about the EX more than you and shove it in your face? WOW! even after the disease she supposedly gave him,he puts her on a pedastal? how do you even know SHE gave him the std?
MrsHellnofires Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 oh I did definitely go through questioning his judgement but I decided that his past was in his past and I will *try* to save my judgement of him for how he treats me now. and yeah the std thing is my biggest pet peeve, especially since I now have HPV and I don't know who gave it to him. oh so you are just ASSUMING she gave him the std? did he even tell you he had it or did he not know at the time? furthermore, does she have it or is this just all conjecture?
MrsHellnofires Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 yeah they do. and I'm ok with that now. I'm not worried about it but he's brought it up because he's pissed that I think she's a skank. Apparently this translates to him as me thinking he's a skank as well, since he's done much the same stuff in the past (except for the std thing) but my point is is that he's not doing that now, while she continues to. and also, he's a man. ok before anyone jumps down my throat I think as a general rule it's much of a truism to say that the term manwhore is a little redundant... he's a man who has used some women in the past, cheated on people, etc. this girl uses and is used today. maybe I'm being sexist. wow he's friends with a woman he compared you with sexually? yeah, sounds pretty friendly to me. furthermore, he is defending her. your brazen jealousy of her is only going to fuel his sexual desire for her imo. im guessing they had a good sex life from what you're saying, no? also, if she is so damn promiscuous, i really really question how she can hold a platonic relationship with men- especially a past lover. what does he get out of the relationship as well??? but if you two broke up for some time, maybe he got his little rendezvous with her over with in the interim. finally out of his system? but no, hey, "i think ill remain friends with someone whom i've had great sex with". i think if this happened to me, it would be prudent to suggest him to cut all ties with this woman before re-entering a relationship with me. he opened his mouth and has to deal with the consequences.
Author soconfused01 Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 thank you all for your replies. i told him that i admit being judgemental and i not knowing her well enough to make a definitive judgement of whoreness or not. i told him i just don't like her and he has to accept that or lose me. he couldn't. i still feel quilty sometimes when he says "you wanted to be my family but you're leaving me because you can't accept someone who already is" but I am not a perfect person and I have been reasonable and accepted his friendship with her and now he's taken it too far. he put me back at square one with my insecurities with her in not being able to accept my dislike for her. i can't be at square one again. now I can't accept a relationship with him in which she is a part of his life at all. he needs to realize that it's unfair and too much to ask me to accept someone he compared me with. I'm moving out. :-(
Author soconfused01 Posted July 5, 2008 Author Posted July 5, 2008 oh so you are just ASSUMING she gave him the std? did he even tell you he had it or did he not know at the time? furthermore, does she have it or is this just all conjecture? no, I don't think it was her, she did give him clamydia tho but that was cleared up before my time
MrsHellnofires Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 i still feel quilty sometimes when he says "you wanted to be my family but you're leaving me because you can't accept someone who already is" wow.. he says she's a part of his family? why should he expect any of that nonsense from you after what he has done in the past? you really are doing yourself a favor! if he keeps her as a friend over your relationship, i really think that means a lot too. it shows where his heart is. if he saw her as "family" he wouldnt be thinking sexually about her imo. good luck girl! i think you are doing the right and strong thing.
GPFan Posted July 5, 2008 Posted July 5, 2008 2. she gave my boyfriend an STD when they were dating (to be fair they were in an open relationship- or at least her part in it was open.) Oh I am sure his part was open too. What has he revealed to you about that? I believe his comparisons and distaste for your 'judgment' are a subtle attempt to soften you. He may secretly desire another open relationship. My sense is that he enjoyed that aspect of the former relationship the best and would like to have that with you too.
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