kizik Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 ...is that she's never gonna learn anything from this. She doesn't have the guts to think about what she did to cause the demise of this R. She's going to jump into another R with someone she deems "better" without taking the time to reflect on herself. Then after 3 years or so, she'll end that R and the cycle will continue. And I'm never going to email her and tell her how I feel, b/c I promised myself I would never contact her again, and there's no point anyway. The result is that she'll continue to break hearts for the rest of her life. Her parents will support her every move, b/c they are essentially enablers. It's just such a shame to see someone on a particular trajectory, and to know it's never going to change. I guess all I can do is to be more careful and to take note of red flags, without over-analyzing people.
Nevermind Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I guess all I can do is to be more careful and to take note of red flags, without over-analyzing people. So the best thing is: you learned something valueable. She will go through the same thing over and over again. But you will learn and grow. I'd rather be you than her.
Author kizik Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Thanks NM! You're always such a sweetheart.
Peter_pan Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 ok but how will you know she hasnt learnt? because she dosnt think like you wont necessarily mean she wont find some on to be with for the rest of her days. but yeah i think i can agree with that to some level. i to hope this circle of broken hearts happens to my ex
wareagle Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 She hasn't LEARNT? Ok sorry bout that! Kiz knows this women, he spent a great deal of time with her and learned her behaviors! She like my ex will never see what kind of person she really is, and if she does she will deny deny deny that she has problems! Most likely it is a pattern or a cycle she has been in way before Kiz got involved with her! Like he said her parents are enabling her to continue on this pattern of self destruction! I know my ex's parents and sibling's see the pattern she has been in, but for some reason noone has the gut's to sit her ass down and say hold on here!! You have a four year old daughter, and now you are pregnant and getting married less than 3 months after you dumped the guy you said was perfect and you were going to spend the rest of your life with him? They won't say listen C, can you not see what's going on here? You were in an abusive relationship, finally got fed up with it and moved on, then shortly after that you go out with someone knew have sex with him on the first date and get pregnant then marry this guy! Then after 2 years your not happy with him so you find a backup to be there for you when you get a divorce, because God knows you can't live alone. Then when the honeymoon phase is over with this guy, this guy happens to be me you say your are unhappy and make any little excuse you can to why this relationship won't work, when in reality you have found someone else to take my place. OK enough!! Sorry Kizik didn't mean to hijack your thread, I kinda got carried away!! The point is she will never be happy with anyone else, until she is happy with herself! She will keep on breaking hearts and taking names, because that is all she knows! Her mother has been married 5 times and she is only 45~~
kyta Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 There is plenty of women out there like that, and men. my x is the same, has nothing but trouble in her life, and she does what she wants to do, no considering the 5 kids she has, she will not learn anything from this breakup at all, all she is doing is going out on the piss all the time, she want to live she says, well what about the kids they need a life as well, still i dont care if she learns or not, i will and thats all i care about now, me me me me me, and i dont care if im being selfish, i want to learn from this, i want to be a better person, and i dont want to live like i have for the last 7 yrs, its been hell.
Author kizik Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Your post is vague what happened? Does it matter? The best I can sum it up is that my ex pushed me away and fell out of love with me, but strung me along and didn't give me the respect of telling me she wanted out. She got on my case for little, unimportant things and was generally mean to me. Things came to a head during a conversation about her parents, and the next day we "mutually" decided to end it. Some people are blamers, pure and simple. She will inevitably blame the missing pieces in the R on me. While I wasn't "perfect" (b/c no one is), I treated her very well and was there in every capacity I could be. She is going to undoubtedly end up marrying some as*hole lawyer or doctor who won't have half the heart I do. (This is what I tell myself to comfort myself.) Maybe the guy will even make as much money as her dad! The point of this thread is that people do not learn who refuse to look themselves in the mirror and say, "What did I do wrong?" If they have a bunch of as*kissers in their lives who are afraid of them, they will continue to feel justified in everything they do. My ex is one of these people, and it pisses me off that she won't learn anything from the demise of our R. I absolutely hate her for being so delusional about her own misgivings.
sedgwick Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 You never know, maybe she WILL learn something. Maybe she already has.
stlnsmile Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 ...is that she's never gonna learn anything from this. She doesn't have the guts to think about what she did to cause the demise of this R. She's going to jump into another R with someone she deems "better" without taking the time to reflect on herself. Then after 3 years or so, she'll end that R and the cycle will continue. And I'm never going to email her and tell her how I feel, b/c I promised myself I would never contact her again, and there's no point anyway. The result is that she'll continue to break hearts for the rest of her life. Her parents will support her every move, b/c they are essentially enablers. It's just such a shame to see someone on a particular trajectory, and to know it's never going to change. I guess all I can do is to be more careful and to take note of red flags, without over-analyzing people. Kiz...me too, I think this all the time. Today I realized....NOPE....he's not gonna learn nothin:) But you know what, not my problem. Im at that point, I realize for me...I was used. And Im just not going to care about someone like that. He basically told me I was used. During the break up I said "so you were just leading me on" and he said "I guess." Thank God I didn't do anything I will regret with him. Ahhhh...I cant even think about if I had. Anyway, I wonder all the time if he is going to be a better person, grow, learn from this, not hurt others....the answer is no...thus the brand new girl.....he's gonna use her too. Funny thing I remembered the other day......he told me he never loved his first gf, but that he told her he loved her just to shut her up, they only dated for like 3 months, so I didn't think anything of that relationship. We dated for 1 yr. 4 mo. and when he left he said "I don't love you like that", I bet he told his new gf he never loved me either, he just told me that to shut me up.....ha! I mean if he can use someone for over a year to try to get what he wants......what won't he do? He's gonna throw her away too and tell her he never loved her either:) I guess the bottom line is...its totally not my problem, and your ex is totally not your problem now. Let her suffer whatever fate her behaviors and life give to her. You keep being the amazing guy you are and I guarantee you will find the best girl ever.
stlnsmile Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Does it matter? The best I can sum it up is that my ex pushed me away and fell out of love with me, but strung me along and didn't give me the respect of telling me she wanted out. She got on my case for little, unimportant things and was generally mean to me. Things came to a head during a conversation about her parents, and the next day we "mutually" decided to end it. Some people are blamers, pure and simple. She will inevitably blame the missing pieces in the R on me. While I wasn't "perfect" (b/c no one is), I treated her very well and was there in every capacity I could be. She is going to undoubtedly end up marrying some as*hole lawyer or doctor who won't have half the heart I do. (This is what I tell myself to comfort myself.) Maybe the guy will even make as much money as her dad! The point of this thread is that people do not learn who refuse to look themselves in the mirror and say, "What did I do wrong?" If they have a bunch of as*kissers in their lives who are afraid of them, they will continue to feel justified in everything they do. My ex is one of these people, and it pisses me off that she won't learn anything from the demise of our R. I absolutely hate her for being so delusional about her own misgivings. Kiz, I could have writen this post myself....you and I are in exactly the same boat...believe me!!!! Ahhh...your post made me nuts all over. JERK! Oh well......"The Charmed Ones" will just have to go live their lives with out us:)
Author kizik Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Smile, I'm sorry your ex was such an as*. He really was too, by the sounds of it. Scared or unable to commit, maybe unable to love. Let her suffer whatever fate her behaviors and life give to her. You keep being the amazing guy you are and I guarantee you will find the best girl ever. You are very correct. And thanks for the compliment, it's just what I needed to hear! You are a very sweet girl (and I wouldn't be surprised if you're a hottie too)!
sunshinegirl Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 ...is that she's never gonna learn anything from this. I have good reason to think this is also true of my ex. But my idealistic, hopeful side hopes something happens in his life to really stop him in his tracks and start looking in the mirror. Sometimes I think that the tears he's shed over me during our two breakups may have loosened some of his stoicism...but then again, he slept with the hooch the day after we broke up so... yeah. I'm sort of back to "he's never gonna learn anything from this." I really did (do?) love him, so that part of me is so very sad that he could spend his entire life on a shallow emotional plane, never achieving real intimacy in his romantic relationships, yet never understanding why. And I *know* he wants an intimate relationship - why else would he be a serial monogamist? He just doesn't know how to do it and he seems utterly blind to how his lack of communication and lack of emotional connectedness make it impossible. And that makes me sad for him.
orangehose Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 So many things in this thread that I can relate to. Yes, I too have given up hope that my ex will realize his flaws - that he's combative, runs away from everything / everyone at the slightest hint of imperfection, is paranoid and avoidant and overly critical, has a mean streak, is hypocritical and passive aggressive and just plain not straight-forward - I am forced to conclude that he's not self-aware enough to see anything wrong in his behavior. It's a really hard conclusion to come to, as you've known the other person to be an intelligent human being. And if you felt they were minimally decent, it's painful to have to conclude that they probably won't feel any remorse about the way they treated you. But that's quite likely - if they couldn't DURINg the R, why should they be able to afterwards? But Kizik, I don't think your ex is just going to break hearts forever. She'll probably have her heart broken at some point too. It's just a matter of statistics and time.
Lucky555 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 after reading your post this stuck out. "She got on my case for little, unimportant things and was generally mean to me." Maybe these little, unimportant things were a big deal for her....Maybe avoiding them and not getting them was part of it. How long has it been? Did she say she fell out of love with you?
stlnsmile Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Smile, I'm sorry your ex was such an as*. He really was too, by the sounds of it. Scared or unable to commit, maybe unable to love. You are very correct. And thanks for the compliment, it's just what I needed to hear! You are a very sweet girl (and I wouldn't be surprised if you're a hottie too)! Depends on what you think hot is, Im sort of Claire Danes type, but blond. Not really skinny......most guys like the really skinny girls now, Im a size seven...so a bit curvy....guess it all depends on who it is and what they like whether they think Im hot or not. Very muscular from sports and dance...so not flabby in any way.
northstar1 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Depends on what you think hot is, Im sort of Claire Danes type, but blond. Not really skinny......most guys like the really skinny girls now, Im a size seven...so a bit curvy....guess it all depends on who it is and what they like whether they think Im hot or not. Very muscular from sports and dance...so not flabby in any way. Now you just need to move to the Northwest and you and Kiz could be a match.
stlnsmile Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Now you just need to move to the Northwest and you and Kiz could be a match. Damn...Everyone is from up there.......ahhhh! Here, dating desert island:)
stlnsmile Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Depends on what you think hot is, Im sort of Claire Danes type, but blond. Not really skinny......most guys like the really skinny girls now, Im a size seven...so a bit curvy....guess it all depends on who it is and what they like whether they think Im hot or not. Very muscular from sports and dance...so not flabby in any way. Ha, wasn't trying to scare you kiz...ha...were on oposite ends of the universe anyway....hehehe!
Author kizik Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 I could not be scared. Listen, I'm a guy, I need some female attention. Too bad the physical world can't provide it right now!
ianandris Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I could not be scared. Listen, I'm a guy, I need some female attention. Too bad the physical world can't provide it right now! It's a hard life God makes us lead, isn't it?
Author kizik Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Ian, as I told Tabatha, I finish in God's mouth. You hate me now, don't you?
Author kizik Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 As Dr. Drew would say: "Are you a Mormon?"
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