ladyinlimbo Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Hello Everyone, My first post here. I'm 40 (turn 41 in a week). I'd been in a long term relationship with a guy who's 4.5 yrs younger (he's now 36). It was a very stressful and rocky relationship. We were together for 1 year but I left the relationship several times (though usually for only a couple of weeks before he'd manipulate me to come back) because of the way he was treating me: very selfish, always picking at me, lies, never made me feel that he really loved me, expected me to make all the effort in the relationship while he was very complacent and lazy, he was impossible to communicate with, he belittled my feelings, etc. He was also caught on dating sites while we were together and when confronted he'd twist it around by saying i had 'trust issues' (yeah, right) and that he did that only because he was curious/bored - and that "it's just the internet, it's no big deal" (ironically, that's how we originally met - on a dating site) The stress of the relationship seriously caused me to lose 25 lbs. I could never 'get through' to him. Any time I tried to communicate with him, he'd belittle my feelings or concerns - and basically tell me "it's not an issue, conversation over." He'd become passive-aggressive sometimes, too. I ended up resorting to using email to communicate with him -- but mostly he'd mock me by saying "do you really think I read what you write?" He is the type to just sweep things under the rug and if it's not an issue to him, it's just not an issue. Last August, when things were good between us - and we were 4 days away from leaving for a week long camping trip down south - I come home from work to an email in which he tells me "it's over, I'm not happy with you." I was devastated. He gave me no reasons. As it turns out, the reason he did this was because his Mom was coming down to spend a week with him and he decided he wanted to take her on this camping trip instead - and didn't want her to know he was back with me (he always wanted to keep me a secret from his family, which was very hurtful to me - his reasoning: my personal life is none of their business).....so what better way than to just dump me to get me out of the picture...........then as expected, a day after he returned with Mommy, he was calling and emailing, like nothing had happened, wanting to go for dinner and basically just carry on like nothing had happened. I told him then if he EVER did that to me again, I was gone. Then his past November, things were good......we were seriously making plans to sell our respective homes and buy one together (of course he knew I'd never do that unless he made a proper commitment to me - we'd have to be engaged first). Then the same thing happens; I come home from work and there's an email telling me "it's over, I'm done this time." This time I was more angry than devastated. Of course a few days later, he starts to mail me like nothing had happened, wanting to go for dinner. It made me so angry at how he could just push me out of his life so easily then try to get me back. I have treated him, truly, like gold. I've always been his biggest supporter, someone who showed my love to him, who did things to make his life easier, who treated him with respect and loyalty...and this is what I got in return. I stayed angry for some time....I needed to, to keep myself from getting sucked back in. I had to stay true to myself; the promise to myself that if he ever dumped me like that again, that that was it for me. Over the past 8 months he's continued to mail me (for the record, we live 5 minutes apart), to want to get together. He's continued to be active on the dating sites (though I joined back up there too). I've resisted out of love for myself because with him, nothing changes. A year ago he promised me that he loved me and wanted us to make a life together; to not just talk about it but to make it happen......but over time I realized these were all just manipulative words to suck me back in and keep me hanging on. I think he thrives on breaking up and getting back together because when we get back together, then he's not expected to make a commitment to me.......because we're "just starting over from the beginning." Starting over is great for him -- he gets the girlfriend, the best friend, the camping buddy, the sex, all the perks of a faithful partner but he doesn't have to give anything in return. In the beginning of our relationship he made it very clear that he hated dating - he was looking for the "one" person to settle down with, marry, have a family with.............basically he was looking for the same things as me. What a crock. He recently begged me to meet with him (for the 57th time) so we could "talk" and this time I agreed - because I wanted to hear the BS he had to say. He's so famous for telling me "we need to talk" but when I agree, suddenly he's got nothing to say - it's all just a ruse. So we meet and go for a walk. He asks me "why is it we can't get along?"..........I tell him "go back and read the 300 emails I've written to you - it's all right there. He then smuggly reminds me he really hasn't ever read my emails..just basically "glossed over them." So feeling like a stuck record, I list some of the issues. Just like clockwork, he minimizes these issues of "mine"....is quick to tell me they're "not issues" and why do I need to keep bringing up the past..........he just wants us to have "fun" and not "fret" about things. So once again, he just wants to sweep things under the rug and never deal with the issues that have always been there............he just wants me to forget the things he's done and said that have hurt me. I tell him I don't know how I could ever trust him again -- on so many levels..........particularly that down the road I won't come home to another email that says "I'm done." I don't think he gets that. He is so full of himself, he doesn't have the maturity or insight to see that his behavior has really impacted my ability to trust him. He's yet to say "I'm sorry" for having hurt you. It's as if he has no conscience and is able to just block things out. He claims now "I can't even remember what happened in November, we must have been fighting" (justifying his reason for dumping me out of the blue then). We hadn't been fighting. He wants to just carry on like nothing had happened. Already has plans for us to camping this coming weekend. Just go back to having "fun". I have a lot of hurt and I alot of mistrust. It's been 19 months since we first started going out and I feel I've wasted so much precious time. I'm now turning 41 and my lifelong desire to find a good man, marry, have a child -- that's all gone out the window. He's fine with the fact that I am getting too old to have a child, says it doesnt matter to him (of course it doesn't, he already has a daughter - she's 2 yrs old and lives with her mom in another part of the country). It breaks my heart that I'm at the stage/age where I'm getting too old.............and he's so blaze and apathetic about it. It was a year ago he was making plans about us buying a home together, us having our first baby, figuring out how much our combined income would be if I was on Maternity Leave for a year...........he lead me to believe we were planning a real life together but look where it ended up? He manipulated me and misrespresented what he wanted with me. All talk no action. Fine for him, he's 36 and can have more kids.........but I am 41. Had he been the man he portrayed, by now we'd be married with a family on the way -- but he's been content to just break up and then get back together. Plus, he once told me that he doesn't see why marriage is important - does a couple really need a 'piece of paper' to show their commitment? He did say he could see marrying if they had children.........but now that i've told him I feel I'm too old to considering have a child, why would he even want to marry? Do I waste more of my life on a man who is really just looking for fun and someone to cater to him and be his Edith Bunker? I think he sees me as someone who will help him acquire the lifestyle (big fancy house) but not as someone to make a real life with. He accused me the other night of just wanting "the white picket fence"........so? Why shouldn't I? I have a great career, my own home, I have a good head on my shoulders............I have worked very hard in my life to be successful. It's no secret I want to settle down and make a life with someone.......I was open about wanting this from the very start. I don't need a man to make me whole or put a roof over my head - but there's got to be more in life than making big $ and coming home to a nice empty house. I just don't think he's on the same wavelength. I resent him. I think he comes back to me (or has never gone away over the past 8 months) because I'm a good catch (financially), I'm convenient, I'm familiar and with me he can be himself -- a lot less work than having to go out and find someone new. I feel he just wants to use me. Someone faithful to have fun with, so he's not "alone" but at the heart of it, he doesn't really love me or want a life with me.............I'm just someone familiar that he can spend his time with...........having fun. He's never taken an interest in me; my life, my work, my family, my friends.....my day to day stuff. He's very self-centered and everything is about him. He brags about himself a lot. I bet he doesn't even know my middle name. I know everything about him, he knows nothing about me because he's never had the genuine interest to know me........and in all our time "together", not once did he look me in the eye, face to face, and tell me he loved me. most of the times he did tell me he loved me, were in emails - when he was frantically trying to get me back. How screwed up is that? What are your thoughts, based on what I've written? Thanks. PS..he's always loved to throw in my face that I'm "older" than him -- poke fun of me in this regard such that I went from someone who was never bothered about age (to me it's always just been a number) to someone who's now sort of self-conscious about it. Last year on my 40th birthday, we were not together ( because of something horribly rude he'd done to me a week before while on a camping trip together). The evening of my birthday, he proceeded to email me (no apology for what he'd done) and make fun of me for turning 40....even going so far (I was ignoring his emails so I guess he thought he'd step it up a bit to get a reaction from me) as to sending me pictures he'd previously taken of me (while camping together) but with my teeth blacked out .......this is what he did for my 40th birthday.....well after the emails that said "hey, let's go out for a drink for your 40th birthday - maybe I'll even buy your "dumb a$$ a drink." This just shows you how twisted he can be, to hurt me or make fun of me.
RavenHair Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Hi. Well, to me the answer is blindingly obvious. LET IT GO. He's an a**hole. You don't need any apologies from him and you don't need to know or understand the reasons why he keeps doing this kind of stuff to you. Are you afraid to be alone or something? You already know what you need to know and that is: 1. He's an a-hole (just to reiterate that fact) 2. You don't like how he treats you and 3. His behavior hurts your feelings and he keeps doing it and coming back acting like nothing happened. Either he has serious bouts of amnesia/selective memory or he knows how to play you just right. I'm leaning toward the latter. He knows he can keep up his crap and you'll take it. Maybe he gets a kick our of it... I don't know...but it's not okay to treat someone the way he's treating you. My advice to you is to move on. Stop lying down and being a doormat for someone to keep rubbing his feet on. You are worth more than that, just in case you didn't know.
critter909 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 There is something really wrong here. Please move on. I think you will probably need to go to some counseling to be able to really break it off (since you have gone back so many times). There is something wrong with this guy...
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