orangehose Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Another thought: in a way, those of us whose exes acted flagrantly bad have a reason to be thankful - it's easier to at least logically dismiss them as not worth our time, even if the heart does take a long time to catch up with the brain. Those people whose exes were bad in more subtle (yet still absolutely insidious and destructive) ways may have a more difficult cognitive struggle, and they also have less to evoke an immediate reaction of sympathy and outrage from the Peanut gallery. That doesn't mean they don't have just as much reason to feel lucky to be rid of their exes - it's just not as immediately obvious.
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 You know, it's really easy to convince ourselves that we're doing okay, that we're out of the woods, when we really aren't. We see a few days of good feeling, hopefulness about life as evidence that we've made it, but more often than not it's a consequence of choosing to focus on things other than our exes. Which is good, and healthy, but we need to be careful not to delude ourselves into thinking that good days, good weeks, even, are evidence that we're over the feelings we had. One exercise I do to see if I'm over her, is to picture her with another man. If I still have feelings of anger or resentment, I know I've got more feelings to process. Personally, I think it's dangerous to minimize emotions. Emotions are real and need to be processed, resolved. Time heals wounds, but actively experiencing your emotions and evaluating them and understanding them is the only way to process and learn from them. You may have your wounds fully and completely healed, but if you haven't processed the emotion which caused those wounds fully, when something happens that recalls those old feelings, you get wounded all over again. My goal is not to "get over" my ex, it's to put the experience in the proper perspective I need to be able learn from it, and to be able to appreciate it, even if it was particularly hurtful. I don't want to look back on my ex in bitterness, even though I may have every right to, because that emotion will set me back years. I want to be able to look back with clear eyes on every aspect of the relationship and feel gratitude for the opportunity I had to learn from the experience. Will she always be important to me? In a certain way, absolutely. To deny that would be to deceive myself, and I'm not interested in doing that. But her importance to me is changing as I've come to understand what purpose she really served in my life. What it boils down to, in my opinion, is forgiveness. You'll never get over her until you completely and frankly forgive her for all the pain she caused you. Sound impossible? At times it definitely feels that way. But you can do it if you choose to. Ultimately, it's the only way to process the emotions to a resolution. To recognize what's been done, to recognize how you feel about it, to recognize the injustice of it, and to choose to forgive her for it regardless will set you free. It will make you a much bigger man, to boot, and better equipped for the next chapter in your life. Thank you so much for this. I really appreciate it.
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 You have to move on b/c you're a 41 year old man who can't waste his time crying about some slut of a bitch who cheated on him. You're supposed to have a thicker skin at that age. I'm 24, what do I know? Nothing. That's right, so I get to cry and moan as much as I want. Brutally honest? You're too old to be such a baby about such an idiot of a person. Your right, plain and simple.
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 ianandris is wise as always. But if you want to feel a little bit of power to get over those slumps, remember that she cheated on you. She cheated on you. Remember that when you start to miss her. And then do what ianandris said. Great advice, I will think of this often. Thanks
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 ...Do you want me to be brutally honest with you fox??? Yes I do. Thanks in advance.
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 BTW fox, wherever you are, if I've offended you I'm sorry. Not at all man. I needed a good kick in the ass. We are better friends for it.
northstar1 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Not at all man. I needed a good kick in the ass. We are better friends for it. Agreed, I know I need one.
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Not at all man. I needed a good kick in the ass. We are better friends for it. LOL, it is also a quote from Swingers. :laugh:
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 And to answer the OP... Because you don't have a choice if you think about it. There's no going back so you either move forward or get stuck in the quicksand. Wise words. There is surely no going back. Thanks
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Are you really feeling it all over again? I'm so sorry to hear that. Listen, you were on a quick recovery path before you can do it again. Do the same things you did before. We all have had little set backs. Thanks LC, I feel better today. I just want to put this behind me as quick as I can.
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Dude!!!!!!!!!! WHO CARES?????!!!!! She is NOT a good person. You need to snap out of this, man. Even Y is doing better, and his ex prolly cheated on him WAY more than yours did. Be thankful they are gone, and not your problem anymore! Your right Y, I should be thankful I guess. Thanks man
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 hi fox im so sorry your feeling like this.. you have given me great advice before and i can tell you are a goodun.. just put it out of your mind.. dont go backwards when you have been doing so well.. she was not thinking of you when she did the dirty deed so dont waste your time thinking about it.. just put it in the bitch box.. reasons to NEVER LET HER BACK AGAIN you deserve so much better and when you let these feelings go you will allow yourself to get better.. it was not anything you did or didnt do.. therefore out of your control.. you can control this and i know you will. big hug to you x Thanks for the hug S, I will never let her back.
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 This is a good and important reminder. I find myself minimizing or justifying this aspect (cheating) of my own ended relationship, when really, it should be front and center: cheating shows a lack of character, self-love, integrity, and discipline on the part of the cheater, as well as a fundamental lack of respect for the relationship they were in, and for the person they care(d) about. I have to stop doing that also. I tend to remember the good times and forget what brought me to this point, her sleeping with other men. If I can keep that thought, it should become alot easier to forget her.
Nevermind Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 You have to be strong, so I can follow your example.
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 You have to be strong, so I can follow your example. I am trying NM, really trying. It is not easy, that's for sure. Why do I still care for someone that did this to me ? That is what bothers me the most. I am a smart guy and I know better, my heart just won't let her go yet. 8 years together and it has been 3.5 months since the breakup. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon.
Nevermind Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Maybe you are. Never forget to treat yourself well. Promise?
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Maybe you are. Never forget to treat yourself well. Promise? Hi, I promise.
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Hi fox, Okay, moved over from Sunshinegirl's thread. I want you to list for me all the things you value, things like honesty, integrity or maybe not, whatever you really, really value.
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Hi fox, Okay, moved over from Sunshinegirl's thread. I want you to list for me all the things you value, things like honesty, integrity or maybe not, whatever you really, really value. Hi TBF, I value honesty above everything else. 2. trustworthiness 3. openness- being able to open up with someone 4. compassion 5. self worth Those are my top 5, right off the top of my head. I look for these values in friends, lovers, family members, pretty much everyone that I have in my life. I think most people value these things, I'm no different I guess.
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Hi TBF, I value honesty above everything else. 2. trustworthiness 3. openness- being able to open up with someone 4. compassion 5. self worth Those are my top 5, right off the top of my head. I look for these values in friends, lovers, family members, pretty much everyone that I have in my life. I think most people value these things, I'm no different I guess. An excellent list. Did your ex meet or exceed this list? If not, which ones of her actions from break up to current actions that affect you, don't?
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 An excellent list. Did your ex meet or exceed this list? If not, which ones of her actions from break up to current actions that affect you, don't? OK, 1. honesty- she lied to me everyday during the 3 months she was sleeping with the other guy. I don't like to replay things in my head, but she lied so many times. I see it now but at the time, I had no clue what was going on. 2. Trustworthiness- This ties into honesty again. I thought I could trust her, but I now know that she was not trustworthy at all. 3. Openness- At the beginning of our 8 year R, she opened up and shared alot of herself with me and I did the same with her. Obviously, at the end of our R she stopped being open and closed down. She never told me how she felt and that she was falling out of love ( as she put it ). She also shared less and less of herself with me, we talked alot less,made love alot less, etc...... 4.She showed more compassion to a stranger on the street than me near the end. She treated me terribly by sleeping with and having an affair with the other guy. I don't think she cared at all about how much she was hurting me. I really feel like she was only concerned with herself and her own selfish wants and needs. 5. Self worth- I don't know about this one. I think she had needs that she thought I couldn't or wouldn't meet. I do think her self esteem is low at times. maybe sleeping with him boosted her self worth, I don't know. I have never thought deeply about this.
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 OK, 1. honesty- she lied to me everyday during the 3 months she was sleeping with the other guy. I don't like to replay things in my head, but she lied so many times. I see it now but at the time, I had no clue what was going on. 2. Trustworthiness- This ties into honesty again. I thought I could trust her, but I now know that she was not trustworthy at all. 3. Openness- At the beginning of our 8 year R, she opened up and shared alot of herself with me and I did the same with her. Obviously, at the end of our R she stopped being open and closed down. She never told me how she felt and that she was falling out of love ( as she put it ). She also shared less and less of herself with me, we talked alot less,made love alot less, etc...... 4.She showed more compassion to a stranger on the street than me near the end. She treated me terribly by sleeping with and having an affair with the other guy. I don't think she cared at all about how much she was hurting me. I really feel like she was only concerned with herself and her own selfish wants and needs. 5. Self worth- I don't know about this one. I think she had needs that she thought I couldn't or wouldn't meet. I do think her self esteem is low at times. maybe sleeping with him boosted her self worth, I don't know. I have never thought deeply about this. Well done fox! Ask yourself why you want to waste more time and emotion on someone who doesn't even come close to meeting your top 5 requirements of a person. So, now tell me why you want to be with this woman again?
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Well done fox! Ask yourself why you want to waste more time and emotion on someone who doesn't even come close to meeting your top 5 requirements of a person. So, now tell me why you want to be with this woman again? Well, now that I see it in front of my eyes, I don't know what to say. She has failed me in every area that is important to me. I do not want to be with her again. Of that I am 100% sure. My problem is my mind. We still live within a few miles of each other and everywhere I drive or walk, I see reminders of things we did and experiences that we shared. let me say this, we had alot of great times over the 8 years. I want to be able to look back on them with fondness. I have to stop living in the past and stop thinking of great times. It is damn hard though.
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Well, now that I see it in front of my eyes, I don't know what to say. She has failed me in every area that is important to me. I do not want to be with her again. Of that I am 100% sure. My problem is my mind. We still live within a few miles of each other and everywhere I drive or walk, I see reminders of things we did and experiences that we shared. let me say this, we had alot of great times over the 8 years. I want to be able to look back on them with fondness. I have to stop living in the past and stop thinking of great times. It is damn hard though. Let's apply the most recent escapade to this list. She's now sleeping with yet another guy. Go back to your responses in your list and ask yourself if she's changed. Does she now meet any of your requirements?
Author foxh1234 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Let's apply the most recent escapade to this list. She's now sleeping with yet another guy. Go back to your responses in your list and ask yourself if she's changed. Does she now meet any of your requirements? Absolutely not. She is moving further and further away from my values everyday.
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