foxh1234 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Hi everyone, this latest news about the ex sleeping with a second guy has really f**ked me up again. I feel like I did 3 months ago when this whole thing started. Please tell me how I need to move on and she is not worth my time or thoughts. I feel so stupid and weak right now. I have given her all the control of my mind again and I want it back ASAP. What pisses me off the most is that she is probably having a great day today and i feel like hell. Life is not fair sometimes. I did nothing wrong and yet I am left holding the f**king bag and having to deal with all this **** all over again. I need some online help from you good people. Thanks in advance.
replicator Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 She betrayed you in the worst way possible. She doesn't deserve any of your time or energy. It's really black and white in my opinion. Why should you be the one feeling bad? No reason. Snap out of it man. I know how it feels when you are distressed and lose control of your mind. You need to take a step back - take deep breaths, and just relax and give yourself some positive affirmations. This is what I've been doing to get control of my mind when I slip into that circular thought pattern.. Takes some time, but eventually you'll break out of it.
Nevermind Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I know where you're coming from. The pain is intense. What helps me: cut every kind of contact. Block her e-mails, block her numbers, block everything. It doesn't matter if you think she would try to reach you or not, just do it. This way you have closed those doors. It will feel good after a while. Second: visualize her mistakes, the things that annoyed you, the things you are glad not to be in contact with anymore. Make a list. Make a list of everything she had you didn't want. Third: Make plans. Plan something great that she is not connected to at all. Plan it! Something to look forward to, something for you. Fourth: Give yourself time. It will not just disappear, but it get's easier. Fifth: Come here to vent, anytime.
ianandris Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 You know, it's really easy to convince ourselves that we're doing okay, that we're out of the woods, when we really aren't. We see a few days of good feeling, hopefulness about life as evidence that we've made it, but more often than not it's a consequence of choosing to focus on things other than our exes. Which is good, and healthy, but we need to be careful not to delude ourselves into thinking that good days, good weeks, even, are evidence that we're over the feelings we had. One exercise I do to see if I'm over her, is to picture her with another man. If I still have feelings of anger or resentment, I know I've got more feelings to process. Personally, I think it's dangerous to minimize emotions. Emotions are real and need to be processed, resolved. Time heals wounds, but actively experiencing your emotions and evaluating them and understanding them is the only way to process and learn from them. You may have your wounds fully and completely healed, but if you haven't processed the emotion which caused those wounds fully, when something happens that recalls those old feelings, you get wounded all over again. My goal is not to "get over" my ex, it's to put the experience in the proper perspective I need to be able learn from it, and to be able to appreciate it, even if it was particularly hurtful. I don't want to look back on my ex in bitterness, even though I may have every right to, because that emotion will set me back years. I want to be able to look back with clear eyes on every aspect of the relationship and feel gratitude for the opportunity I had to learn from the experience. Will she always be important to me? In a certain way, absolutely. To deny that would be to deceive myself, and I'm not interested in doing that. But her importance to me is changing as I've come to understand what purpose she really served in my life. What it boils down to, in my opinion, is forgiveness. You'll never get over her until you completely and frankly forgive her for all the pain she caused you. Sound impossible? At times it definitely feels that way. But you can do it if you choose to. Ultimately, it's the only way to process the emotions to a resolution. To recognize what's been done, to recognize how you feel about it, to recognize the injustice of it, and to choose to forgive her for it regardless will set you free. It will make you a much bigger man, to boot, and better equipped for the next chapter in your life.
replicator Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Wise words ianandris.. Great advice. I thought I was doing better, then wham, out of nowhere. Just before I was going to try to go on a date. The thought of starting over with someone just brought back all the feelings and emotions. It is difficult to process the emotions, until you've truly let go. This is my problem, and maybe yours too. You're holding on to something, even if you don't want her back. Whether it is anger, resentment, shame.. Something is keeping you tied to her. I haven't let go yet, because it's just frankly very difficult to do when you've been with someone for so long. As long as we live in the past, we can't appreciate the present. The present determines the future, so we need to concentrate on now. Let go of the past...
kizik Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 You have to move on b/c you're a 41 year old man who can't waste his time crying about some slut of a bitch who cheated on him. You're supposed to have a thicker skin at that age. I'm 24, what do I know? Nothing. That's right, so I get to cry and moan as much as I want. Brutally honest? You're too old to be such a baby about such an idiot of a person.
sumdude Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 You have to move on b/c you're a 41 year old man who can't waste his time crying about some slut of a bitch who cheated on him. You're supposed to have a thicker skin at that age. I'm 24, what do I know? Nothing. That's right, so I get to cry and moan as much as I want. Brutally honest? You're too old to be such a baby about such an idiot of a person. wow...... WTF do you know young man... older people have feelings too... Maybe lurk over at the Divorce forum and get some idea of what people go through regardless of age when it comes to matters of the heart.
FauxVowel Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Dude!!!!!!!!!! WHO CARES?????!!!!! She is NOT a good person. You need to snap out of this, man. Even Y is doing better, and his ex prolly cheated on him WAY more than yours did. Be thankful they are gone, and not your problem anymore!
sumdude Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 And to answer the OP... Because you don't have a choice if you think about it. There's no going back so you either move forward or get stuck in the quicksand.
iwish Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 **** her, she's a dirty whore! And she hasn't got YOU anymore. Her loss right
justine4 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 You have to move on b/c you're a 41 year old man who can't waste his time crying about some slut of a bitch who cheated on him. You're supposed to have a thicker skin at that age. I'm 24, what do I know? Nothing. That's right, so I get to cry and moan as much as I want. Brutally honest? You're too old to be such a baby about such an idiot of a person. Kizik, what happened? Why the hardline? You always used to provide a more understanding and caring attitude to everyone on here? Bitterness seems to be creeping in more and more in your posts. Stop yourself going down this route. Don't take it out on the other LS'rs, we're all trying to help each other here, not cut each other down. Bring back the original Kizik! The one who was more empathetic. PLEASE!
kizik Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 sumdude and justine, Fox asked for brutal honesty. I gave it to him. Sometimes we need a kick in the as*. I know I sure do. Go ahead and say I'm insensitive, he asked for honesty and I'm giving it to him. BTW Fox and I have emailed enough that he knows I'm not being an as*hole, more like a friend. If you DON'T label your thread "Be brutally honest," I will certainly be more meticulous with my words.
ate_the_paint Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 ianandris is wise as always. But if you want to feel a little bit of power to get over those slumps, remember that she cheated on you. She cheated on you. Remember that when you start to miss her. And then do what ianandris said.
justine4 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 As long as we live in the past, we can't appreciate the present. The present determines the future, so we need to concentrate on now. Let go of the past... Very profound replicator, and you're exactly right. A lot of us are simply 'existing' in the present at the moment, looking back at the past, our ex's, the good times, the things that you did together, the things you maybe could've done differently. The only way forward is, as you say, to appreciate the present. By making the most of the here and now, will help towards a happier future for us all.
iwish Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Very profound replicator, and you're exactly right. A lot of us are simply 'existing' in the present at the moment, looking back at the past, our ex's, the good times, the things that you did together, the things you maybe could've done differently. The only way forward is, as you say, to appreciate the present. By making the most of the here and now, will help towards a happier future for us all. Easier said than done though.
sunshinegirl Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 ianandris is wise as always. But if you want to feel a little bit of power to get over those slumps, remember that she cheated on you. She cheated on you. Remember that when you start to miss her. And then do what ianandris said. This is a good and important reminder. I find myself minimizing or justifying this aspect (cheating) of my own ended relationship, when really, it should be front and center: cheating shows a lack of character, self-love, integrity, and discipline on the part of the cheater, as well as a fundamental lack of respect for the relationship they were in, and for the person they care(d) about.
kizik Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 You have to move on b/c you're a 41 year old man who can't waste his time crying about some slut of a bitch who cheated on him. You're supposed to have a thicker skin at that age. I'm 24, what do I know? Nothing. That's right, so I get to cry and moan as much as I want. Brutally honest? You're too old to be such a baby about such an idiot of a person. BTW fox, wherever you are, if I've offended you I'm sorry.
justine4 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Easier said than done though. I know! 'Do as I say and not as I do' - I'm still in the past myself and can't seem to move any further forward. But the theory behind what rep said in the first place is spot on.
iwish Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I know! 'Do as I say and not as I do' - I'm still in the past myself and can't seem to move any further forward. But the theory behind what rep said in the first place is spot on. Ha, so true. I love a good theory me .. One day at a time. We'll all get there. (i hope!!!)
justine4 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Ha, so true. I love a good theory me .. One day at a time. We'll all get there. (i hope!!!) Indeed - I live in hope too!
LikeCharlotte Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I feel like I did 3 months ago when this whole thing started. Please tell me how I need to move on and she is not worth my time or thoughts.Are you really feeling it all over again? I'm so sorry to hear that. Listen, you were on a quick recovery path before you can do it again. Do the same things you did before. We all have had little set backs.
Chrome Barracuda Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 ...Do you want me to be brutally honest with you fox???
Peter_pan Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 any girl that cheats is a bad person. its the ultimate kick in the nuts. NO ONE needs someone like this. you can do better, easily. please have nothing to do with her man x also thumbs up on what ianandris said. @ianandris, do you mean forgive her by physically letting her know as in sending a txt or email etc, or do you mean forgiving her in your own head?
orangehose Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Hi everyone, this latest news about the ex sleeping with a second guy has really f**ked me up again. A SECOND guy?? In just a few months? And you guys had a multi-year relationship? I just had to read this one sentence to see that her character is really messed up (not that there's anything wrong with sleeping with two people in a span of a couple months, it's just that in this case this woman is obviously unstable after the breakup and handling things in an immature manner). Your 'woman' is abundantly displaying her poor character. I know it's hard to see how you could be in a long relationship with someone in which they appear to be good the majority of the time, and then suddenly they pull something like this. It's shocking. But you know, sometimes it's post-breakup behavior that is most indicative of character. My ex has been a ****up, running around with younger girls and bragging about it to my friends (even though HE was the one who wanted to end things)... It's hard to accept, but now we can only think, 'we dodged a bullet'...
sultry33 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 hi fox im so sorry your feeling like this.. you have given me great advice before and i can tell you are a goodun.. just put it out of your mind.. dont go backwards when you have been doing so well.. she was not thinking of you when she did the dirty deed so dont waste your time thinking about it.. just put it in the bitch box.. reasons to NEVER LET HER BACK AGAIN you deserve so much better and when you let these feelings go you will allow yourself to get better.. it was not anything you did or didnt do.. therefore out of your control.. you can control this and i know you will. big hug to you x
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