Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Definition: NPDer = Emotional vampire No one can afford to keep someone like this in their lives without negative ramifications to self.
sid3 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Hopefully this time you won't go back Lady, it sounds like you really are done. Sucks how we let people stay in our lives after the point of realising they are toxic. Better now while your turning forty one than later in life, say fifty one. Wow UP, you have an ex from hell. I hope he gives up and leaves you alone for good. You should get a taser. he sounds like a douchebag. Congrads T. One woman's trash is another woman's treasure!
Author ladyinlimbo Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 I doubt he would do anything for my birthday (eg: leave a gift) -- he is far too cheap. He doesn't know when my birthday is, not the specific date. The would be below him to remember such a thing. Though I wouldn't put it past him this weekend (if he doesn't find a sucker to use and go camping with (friend, his brother, etc)), to start emailing me stupid things. No way, I predict that Thursday evening he'll email me, "camping this weekend?" then on the weekend he'll invite me for dinner. That's how he works. So predictable and boring. When I ignore him, then he'll make some cheap shot about me being "old" - maybe one of his usual "menopause" comments (no I'm not in menopause, good god!) or how I'm going to end up alone. People have asked why I don't block his emails. I can't. It's a web-based email acct and blocking emails isn't an option. I have considered just deleting the acct many times but I've kept every one of his emails in case I need them as 'proof' or evidence some day. I tried to see if I could transfer all of them to a new acct but that's not possible - and there are thousands of them. The stupid ones, the threatening ones, the nasty ones, the accusatory ones, the bizarre ones, etc. My friend is a cop and she said to keep them all. The key for me is to just not open them. Curiosity has always gotten the best of me but this time I have to resist because I know my weakness -- he writes me something stupid and then I can't help but respond.
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Congrads T. One woman's trash is another woman's treasure! Thanks. I agree with the bolded portion 100%. He's got everything a woman could want and more...except for the most important ingredients of honesty, integrity and morality. He's always had women all over him. Let's hope that for the sake of anyone new, his therapy has greatly helped him. I've seen the improvement but his continual attempts at communicating made me wonder how far he's really come. OP, I'm stating these experiences so maybe you can draw some parallels from them. I don't know if your ex was a charmer or not. I'm guessing so.
Author ladyinlimbo Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Hello Trial, No, I wouldn't really say he was a charmer. Far too complacent and lazy for that. Back when he'd be trying to get me back, he would be sweet and decent and actually affectionate - for about 24 hours, like clockwork -- but once the 24 hr mark hit, he was back to his usual selfish, non-affectionate, "me me me" self. Not really a charmer with women in general; quite shy in this regard. Sort of like a big awkward clumsy adolescent mental midget.
Trialbyfire Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 lady, it sounds like there were red flags all over the place from day 1. Do you know why you continued to be with him?
TrustInYourself Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Hello Trial, No, I wouldn't really say he was a charmer. Far too complacent and lazy for that. Back when he'd be trying to get me back, he would be sweet and decent and actually affectionate - for about 24 hours, like clockwork -- but once the 24 hr mark hit, he was back to his usual selfish, non-affectionate, "me me me" self. Not really a charmer with women in general; quite shy in this regard. Sort of like a big awkward clumsy adolescent mental midget. LOL. That's great. I love your stories, they rock. This guy is entertainment. It must be the reason you stuck with him so long.
Author ladyinlimbo Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 lady, it sounds like there were red flags all over the place from day 1. Do you know why you continued to be with him? That is the question of the day. I don't know. Yes, there were plenty of red flags from about week 3 in the relationship. I was in a very one-sided, abusive marriage many years ago and for many years following, I was so proud of myself for having learned so much; feeling very confident that I would never again let a man crap on me. Maybe I was too confident, almost smug about it? (to note: in my marriage, I left after only 1 year of marriage - got a place of my own, then after a year of his games and refusal to take responsibility <he was charged w/ assault by the way>, I moved 19 hours away to a place I'd never even heard of before, and filed for divorce). I think in the beginning of our relationship, his baggage from his previous relationship became 'excuses' for his sh*tty behavior - but why I didn't just walk away, I have no idea. I guess I really believed that things would be better once his life settled down. maybe he was more charming than I even realized. I don't know. I'm not sure I'll ever really understand it. It was so out of character for me to put up with such crap. I didn't even tolerate that much in my marriage. I think part of it was the brainwashing by my ex; it was very subtle and I guess I wasn't even aware it was going on. It took me a long time to figure out just how manipulative and insincere he was. I don't know.
sunshinegirl Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 That is the question of the day. I don't know. Putting on my armchair psychologist hat, don't you think it has something to do with this: I had a rough childhood - a cold, abusive (physical, mental, emotional) Mom and a Dad who was always away working and I tried to hard to please him (because I could surely never please my Mom). ...even more than you think...?
Author ladyinlimbo Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 ^^^^ Yes Sunshinegirl, I'm sure that's probably the root cause of it. But in knowing this, where do I go from there? I can't change my childhood, it was what it was. So the question becomes what do I change in my life now (or my mindset) such that I never again let a man treat me like sh*t ...or...that I hit the road the minute the first 'red flag' presents itself?
sunshinegirl Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 ^^^^ Yes Sunshinegirl, I'm sure that's probably the root cause of it. But in knowing this, where do I go from there? I can't change my childhood, it was what it was. So the question becomes what do I change in my life now (or my mindset) such that I never again let a man treat me like sh*t ...or...that I hit the road the minute the first 'red flag' presents itself? I don't know your situation, but in mine I have the opportunity to work on the relationships with my parents. Dad and I are deliberately spending time on the phone and trying to remove some of that distance... in other ways I'm working on my relationship w/ my mom too. What I know less about is what to do when you don't have the opportunity to repair the original damaged relationships. My good friend had to do something like that - she had limited opportunity to improve things w/ her dad. I should ask her what helped - because she definitely got over her issues and married a totally awesome, healthy, grounded guy last year after YEARS of picking damaged losers.
Lizzie60 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Sometimes the best advice is the most obvious. My ma always told me to love myself before anyone else. Well.. your 'ma' was right... it should always be ME before any man...
Lizzie60 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I read the first and the last paragraph.. and WOW... how did you put up with such as jerk for sooooo long... No one deserves to be treated like this... you are allowing him to .. because you're taking him back.. he's manipulating you and you're letting him... why should he stop? Just dump the jerk.. period... never look back.. Geezzz give yourself a big head shake... snap out of this... move on.. he's not worth your energy nor your time.. stop being a doormat.
Author ladyinlimbo Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Lizzie, I haven't gotten back together with him, despite his latest attempt to suck me back in. I will NOT go back with him. I think the reason for my post here wasn't very clear, and that's my fault. I guess I was more or less just venting.......and expressing my disbelief that such a turd could continue to think that I should just put the past behind me and jump right back in with him. But that is just another example of his narcissism and arrogance. I have just never met a man like this in my life. he's been the biggest puzzle. never before have I been with someone who simply could not communicate, who never had any desire to resolve issues, who had such tunnel-vision, who was so selfish. I don't know why he doesn't just go away. Surely he must know that because i've resisted getting back with him over the past 8 months (despite his many manipulative attempts to get me back), that I no longer think he's the cat's a$$. If anything, he's making a fool of himself and for someone so arrogant and narcissistic, I don't understand why he doesn't just move on and find a new sucker. Now that his life is sorted out from the mess it was when we first got together, he could start anew with someone else; and be much more successful in portraying a man who has his proverbial sh*t together....because on the surface, he does appear to have his act together. Why he doesn't leave me alone, i don't know. Why would someone continue to put themself in a position where they're continually rejected again and again? I have NEVER had an ex like this in my life. Usually when a relationship ends, you eventually go your separate ways and you both move on. He has never left me alone from 3 days after he dumped me in November. Not more than 1-2 weeks has gone by where I don't hear from him. It's bizarre. I've told him outright that I don't love him any more, I am not in love with him, I don't respect him, I don't trust him, I don't admire him, I am no longer attracted to him (physically and to the person on the inside).......yet he persists like a cockroach. that I don't get. I guess it goes along w/ narcissism and arrogance?
Trialbyfire Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 The way to make them go away is to ignore them. A narcissist always needs his/her narcissistic supply. When that supply has dried up aka no more attention, no matter how they manipulate, be it negative or positive attention, is when they realize they have nothing to feed on and wander off for fresh prey.
Lizzie60 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Well in this case, you have to go one step further.. and go to the police.. and get a 'warrant' (I don't remember the term) so that he can't contact you at all... You finally put an end to this.. good for you.. but you can't let him go on and on and annoy you like that.. put your foot down.. and he'll have no choice but to move on... don't leave him the choice...
ate_the_paint Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Well in this case, you have to go one step further.. and go to the police.. and get a 'warrant' (I don't remember the term) so that he can't contact you at all... ... A restraining order!
Author ladyinlimbo Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 His way of communicating with me, predominantly, is by email or through the dating site we're both on. I just have to learn not to read his mail. He's not breaking a law by emailing me, nothing forces me to read it so I have to learn not to read it....and that's something I have to work on, that's totally my issue. Emailing your ex doesn't warrant a restraining order, unless he was continuing to make threats (he used to).
Trialbyfire Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Set up a filter to route his emails directly to your trash bin. It's what I did with my ex-H.
jamie2002 Posted July 30, 2008 Posted July 30, 2008 Hi, First off i am sorry for not using paragraphs but i am at work and trying to type fast.. I have read all your posts on your ex boy and i was just shocked to know that someone else out there has experienced something exactly what i went through. I mean the situations of course were different but the way i was treated was much the same.. You are not alone and need to stop beating yourself up..Your upbringing has ALOT to do with this.. I also came from a very broken home..my mom went through a lot of mental and even physical abuse when i was growing up and all i saw was men treating her badly . I was young and had to see it all the time.... I promised myself i would never be treated that way and when all you see is bad growing up its really hard to see what a good man in your life is really like.. How would you know if you have never witnessed it.. People on this site can give you advice and put you down and ask why the heck would you put up with it..but until they have walked in your shoes they have no idea what they would do in your position.. I feel your pain and really can relate to this story.. I was with a guy that slowly drained all my energy with all the manipulation and words..he was charming,super good looking, and seemed very confident and was very into me.. i fell for it all myself and because i am a giving understanding and trusting person he fed and fed and fed off of that.. i was too weak to really realize the damaged person he was and tried to be there for him on all accounts.. not realizing that he is a sick human being with bigger issues than i could ever understand.. narcissism etc..i was the giver and he took everything out of me.. i also never dated anyone in my life like that so i didn't know how to handle the situation.. i probably have felt almost all the same feelings as you.. and the bilittling and just treated like he was king over me.. his excuse was he wanted to finish law school and felt it was too much to deal with the relationship and school etc.. i tried to be understanding and for 3 years even though i was dating other people etc i held the candle lit for him thinking he just needed to grow up alot and get his life in order.. well in my head i gave him until he was done with school which was a year ago..the week he finished school and didn't step up i told him goodbye..its like i didn't want to wonder what if i just gave him the time etc.. but i am thankful that he didnt because he is a broken person that i just cant fix.. he still contacted me and i never responded for 9 months and then he played the card of i am sorry and i know i messed everything up and i want you back and i want to get married..bla bla bla.. so because i gave myself the distance and finally got strong enough to say no more i told him his chance had past and i am with someone new.. and i am now in a very healthy relationship with a man that i know loves me soo much and i am healthy enough to know what a real love feels like.. this ex of yours is a carbon copy of mine..and like i said before dont beat yourself up because you loved him for all the good and the bad and tried to believe in the good part of him... trust me i was there exactly and wondering WTF was i thinking..but i was blindly in love with a very good manipulator and i was the trusting girl like you that believed in the lies.... So you are not alone and i guess neither am i.. love is blind and the man i am with now loves that i am giving,loyal,understanding and emotionally invested.. those are all good qualities to have..and with the right guy they will appreciate them..but with a guy like your ex he will use abuse and destroy your self esteem.. my ex i think inside was very insecure and had to use his money and looks and power to be superior over me..it was his way of having all the control..i am still recovering because it was a very slow process that overwhelmed me.. but it was a very hard lesson to learn but i have grown so much from that experience and it seems you are getting better also.. just take things one day at a time and heal yourself slowly..dont rush your healing take all the time you need..and start really appreciating YOU... that ex of yours like mine will continue to be the way they are..and nobody will ever change the way they will treat people..because the really strong girls that enter there life will not put up with them very long and the weak ones will be consumed by there charm and looks.. i promise that these guys i am sure have hurt A LOT of women.. just be happy that you didnt marry this man and have a baby that would grow up seeing this kind of abuse ... I wish you the best of luck and hope some of this helps you.. i am proof that you can get past it and find someone who you truely deserve.. you just fell in love with a bad man..but you sound like a great girl..so believe in yourself and continue to go NC...it will make him feel like you have the power back and that is exactly the way it should be.. let him know that you are no longer his feeding supply...
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