Mrs Pilgrim Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 This is my first time posting here after having lurked around for a bit. I've seen some of the great tips and advice given and hope to get the same. Here goes... This past weekend my husband asked if I would be okay with going out for a 'guys' night or a mutual friends birthday. While I had a few apprehensions, I agreed to it with a minimum of guilt tripping of being left home alone with our 1-year-old (again!). I felt really good about the whole evening as he called in every once in awhile to se how I was. I woke up to him sneaking in at 5:30am. I was furious and hurt. The fight that followed was quite a doozy, but we eventually calmed down and had it worked out, or so I thought. The next day, out of sheer luck, I found out that he had omitted some serious details about what he did that night. He intentionally went somewhere that would really hurt me (a girls house who now hates me) so that he could be at a party and 'have a good time and get drunk'. He has admitted to me that when he is out with the guys he forgets about my feelings and does whatever he wants to be able to have a good time. What I'm asking is if I am being unreasonable? Should he have the license to do whatever he wants? How can I ask for him to be more thoughtful without being demanding? And most importantly, how can I let this go? I have a hard time getting overthings and do realize that I am compounding the problem. Anythhing would be great. Oh and abit of background. We are young (19) and have an (almost) 0ne year old son. Thanks!
SunnySideUp Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 i feel like I'm reading into a mirror (what?) my husband and I are relatively young 25 and 26 now, but I got pregnant when I was 22 and we got married because of it, not expecting it, etc. Needless to say we both weren't ready and it's been rough but things are going well now after almost 3 years. I struggled with these same sorts of problems a few times with my husband. Sometimes, especially when our son was younger, he'd stay up extremely late with his friends, usually at our house, while I had to get up with our son, take care of him, etc, with not much of a break. He doesn't really do stuff like this anymore, but it's almost like he needed to do stuff like that for a while just to have some distance from our life. It hurt at the time and I felt like he was just being irresponsible, but now I realize that at times we BOTH need breaks from our life, just to get some time away and re-group and deal with everything. (Besides being young parents who weren't ready, our first and only son has pretty severe cerebral palsy.) The way that we've come to an agreement on this is that we will both give each other space. He occasionally (a couple times per year) asks if I'm ok with him staying over a friend's house or his sort-of-adopted mother's house, just to get away and regroup. I allow him to do so, and he allows me the same whenever I feel I need a break. The best thing is just to be open and honest with each other, and understand when the other expresses a weakness with being able to cope with the stresses in life. It pays to be able to give your significant other distance. I've also found that being a mother somehow makes it hard to ask for breaks when we need it and to ask for time away. I feel guilty EVERY time I ask to go out alone or to see a friend and have my husband stay home with our son. Even though I know it's perfectly fine and healthy and he's ok with it, there is residual guilt for some reason, that I have found lots of mothers feel. Because of this I don't ask as often as I should for my own mental health and it has suffered. I'm learning to do so more now and to be more selfish at times, so that I don't get too stressed. I hope you two can come to some agreement! I think you both should be able to get nights away to help relieve the stress of being a new parent!
Lizzie60 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 This is my first time posting here after having lurked around for a bit. I've seen some of the great tips and advice given and hope to get the same. Here goes... This past weekend my husband asked if I would be okay with going out for a 'guys' night or a mutual friends birthday. While I had a few apprehensions, I agreed to it with a minimum of guilt tripping of being left home alone with our 1-year-old (again!). I felt really good about the whole evening as he called in every once in awhile to se how I was. I woke up to him sneaking in at 5:30am. I was furious and hurt. The fight that followed was quite a doozy, but we eventually calmed down and had it worked out, or so I thought. The next day, out of sheer luck, I found out that he had omitted some serious details about what he did that night. He intentionally went somewhere that would really hurt me (a girls house who now hates me) so that he could be at a party and 'have a good time and get drunk'. He has admitted to me that when he is out with the guys he forgets about my feelings and does whatever he wants to be able to have a good time. What I'm asking is if I am being unreasonable? Should he have the license to do whatever he wants? How can I ask for him to be more thoughtful without being demanding? And most importantly, how can I let this go? I have a hard time getting overthings and do realize that I am compounding the problem. Anythhing would be great. Oh and abit of background. We are young (19) and have an (almost) 0ne year old son. Thanks! My only advice: He likes to go out with his buddies once in a while.. then get out with the girls once in a while too.. and see how he likes it when you come back at 5 in the morning.. that might solve your problem..
OpenBook Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 My only advice: He likes to go out with his buddies once in a while.. then get out with the girls once in a while too.. and see how he likes it when you come back at 5 in the morning.. that might solve your problem.. Amen!! And don't take any crap about "It's not the same thing" (for you, the mother, to go kick up your heels). My exH did that to me. To this day I regret not calling bullsh*t on that.
angie2443 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 This is my first time posting here after having lurked around for a bit. I've seen some of the great tips and advice given and hope to get the same. Here goes... This past weekend my husband asked if I would be okay with going out for a 'guys' night or a mutual friends birthday. While I had a few apprehensions, I agreed to it with a minimum of guilt tripping of being left home alone with our 1-year-old (again!). I felt really good about the whole evening as he called in every once in awhile to se how I was. I woke up to him sneaking in at 5:30am. I was furious and hurt. The fight that followed was quite a doozy, but we eventually calmed down and had it worked out, or so I thought. The next day, out of sheer luck, I found out that he had omitted some serious details about what he did that night. He intentionally went somewhere that would really hurt me (a girls house who now hates me) so that he could be at a party and 'have a good time and get drunk'. He has admitted to me that when he is out with the guys he forgets about my feelings and does whatever he wants to be able to have a good time. What I'm asking is if I am being unreasonable? Should he have the license to do whatever he wants? How can I ask for him to be more thoughtful without being demanding? And most importantly, how can I let this go? I have a hard time getting overthings and do realize that I am compounding the problem. Anythhing would be great. Oh and abit of background. We are young (19) and have an (almost) 0ne year old son. Thanks! Unless your husband seriously agrees to work out these issues with you, leave him. Now is the best time to do it. In a year or so, you son will develop a strong attatchment to your husband that will make it much more painful to be seperated from him. Now, your son won't notice it much if you do decide to seperate and he doesn't see his dad as much.
Mr. Lucky Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I woke up to him sneaking in at 5:30am. I was furious and hurt. The fight that followed was quite a doozy, but we eventually calmed down and had it worked out, or so I thought. The next day, out of sheer luck, I found out that he had omitted some serious details about what he did that night. He intentionally went somewhere that would really hurt me (a girls house who now hates me) so that he could be at a party and 'have a good time and get drunk'. While I certainly sense your anger, I'm confused at what (in this particular instance) you angry at. Did he stay out too late? Go to the wrong place? Not tell you where the party was? Mr. Lucky
angie2443 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 While I certainly sense your anger, I'm confused at what (in this particular instance) you angry at. Did he stay out too late? Go to the wrong place? Not tell you where the party was? Mr. Lucky Obviously the OP could answer this question better, but I'll state my opinion as to what's going on. I don't know if you have any children, or if you do, how you handled your marriage when the children came along, but what I've noticed is that when the kids start comming, the husband often tries to keep his single, pre-kids life while the wife's life is changed forever. She now has a baby to take care of, so does the husband. She can't go out partying till the break of dawn unless it's once in a blue moon. How is she supposed to feel when she sees her husband drinking and staying out late when she is changed to the house? The man now has a child, and is still hanging out till 5 in the morning partying. On top of that, he's hanging out with other woman till 5 in the morning while his wife is changed to the home and child. The OP can't take the same freedom as her husband is without hurting the child. The child needs parents, not part time caretakers. This is why I say, if the husband doesn't step up to the plate and start becomming a more responsible father, she should leave him. If he doesn't start curbing some of his behavior, all I see is a very bitter marriage and a very sad little boy in the future.
porter218 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 My only advice: He likes to go out with his buddies once in a while.. then get out with the girls once in a while too.. and see how he likes it when you come back at 5 in the morning.. that might solve your problem.. Normally I wouldn't agree with this kind of advice. However in your situation I must agree with Lizzie, give him a dose of his own medicine. Let him see how it feels. You really should, then tell us how he reacted once you did it.
carhill Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Oh, and when you do go out for a "girl's night out", make sure hubby has the pleasure of taking care of his son, not sending him off to grandmas It's better that your husband begin the maturing process now, as his life has changed and demands a more mature, family-centric behavior. He still needs "man-time", but now moderation is the key, along with respect for his wife. I hope he finds it
Author Mrs Pilgrim Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Thanks so much for answering guys. I've looked at everything that has been said about going out and doing my own thing and would have to agree. The only problem is that at this point I rarely want to. I want to stay home with the baby. I don't feel the need to be out all the time. Perhaps I'm so upset because I wish that he would feel the same way too. Or maybe for him to acknowledge that staying out all nights doesn't just mean I stay home that night. It means he is unable to help with the baby the next day. Unable to interact with us as a family. It's just SO frustrating!
carhill Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Frustration will eat you up. Of course, you "want" to be at home with the baby. I would too, and I'm a guy Babies are cool. This issue here isn't the baby, it's your husband learning to respect you and the changes in both your lives this baby brought. Sometimes, examples teach. Let's say you don't "go out", but rather go to a girlfriend's house or to an activity which you enjoy. In all things, there must be balance. If you spend every moment with the baby, that's imbalance. This is exactly what you are complaining about with your husband. He's not getting the balance of what his responsibilities to you and the family are. He likes the idea of being a "daddy" (I presume) and all the glowing praise that goes along with it, but still likes being "single and loving to mingle". By taking actions of your own, along with communicating what you want, you can bring the relationship into a balance which is satisfying to both of you. If you both bend, success. If one of you breaks, failure. You're more in jeopardy now, IMO. What to do?
Ronni_W Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 He has admitted to me that when he is out with the guys he forgets about my feelings and does whatever he wants to be able to have a good time. Of course you do also deserve some 'self time' to just be an adult woman -- girls' nights out are terrific for that, or yoga classes, or art classes. But. The more serious issue is that your husband is obviously feeling the normal stresses of life, and is not dealing with that in ways that are beneficial to him or his family unit. It is difficult for you, but his inappropriate way of dealing with his 'issues' is not ABOUT you. He was an utter moron for saying that he "forgets about [your] feelings" -- I would do my best not to take that to heart in the exact interpretation of the words he used -- he just appears to be somewhat unskilled in area of his own feelings, how to communicate about them, and how to deal with them. It sounds like time for him to learn some positive stress release and management techniques -- ones that don't put his relationship with you on the line, and that are consistent with acting for the well-being of ALL of you.
porter218 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Thanks so much for answering guys. I've looked at everything that has been said about going out and doing my own thing and would have to agree. The only problem is that at this point I rarely want to. I want to stay home with the baby. I don't feel the need to be out all the time. Perhaps I'm so upset because I wish that he would feel the same way too. Or maybe for him to acknowledge that staying out all nights doesn't just mean I stay home that night. It means he is unable to help with the baby the next day. Unable to interact with us as a family. It's just SO frustrating! I understand where you are coming from. When my son was that young, I just wanted to be around him... nothing was more gratifying. We aren't telling you to make a habit out of going out, just do it once to teach him a lesson and to understand the role you play when he is out partying. It will not take more than one time for him to realize what a mistake he has been making. He may be young but it is time for him to grow up. It sounds like he is acting like a single man.
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