How do I get over it?

[gullible]

My wife had what I consider to be an EA for over 4 years which ended late last year after I told her I wanted a divorce. She says that she loves me very much, that she wants to stay married to me and that I should forgive her, so at this point I am undecided what to do.

 

I accidently found out about the EA in 2003 when she left her yahoo email open. I have talked to her about it on two prior occasions (2006 and 2007), and she has insisted that the guy is only a friend and that she would break off all contact with him. Obviously she didn't do this on the two prior occasions.

 

My problem is that I just can't get over it. At this point I don't have the same feelings for her that I did before this happened. She has pointed out that I cheated on my prior wife, and that I have a dual standard if I refuse to forgive her for what she did, which she insists was not cheating.

 

She has apologized several times, but for some reason the apologies don't seem sincere. At first she said 'I'm sorry if I hurt you -- then a long pause -- But I didn't do anything wrong.' Then she changed it to 'I'm really sorry that I hurt you'. I guess the 'But I didn't do anything wrong' is implied.

 

I have to either get over the way I feel or proceed with the divorce. My question is 'How do I get over the way I feel?'

 

Thanks.

[Bryanp]

She had an emotional affair with another man for over 4 years and feels she did nothing wrong to her husband? She clearly does not get it. She continues to justify this affair. The fact that she could betray you emotionally for 4 years would another man should make you wonder why you should remain with her. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have been so accepting? Her actions indicate a total lack of respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Chrome Barracuda]

I agree with bryan. if the situation was reversed she would be screaming to high heaven.

 

Give it time, let it sink into her thick head and show her right from wrong.

[gullible]

She claims it wasn't an EA and that he was never more than a friend. I let it go as long as I did because I wanted proof one way or another whether it was an EA or he was just a friend. I never did get it, although I've been to four counselors, discussed the contents of the emails and they all said that it was an EA.

 

Most of the postings that I read on here make it easy to determine that it was an EA. With her it was unclear. She made arrangements several times to meet him for drinks, and usually he canceled out on her. She sent him revealing pictures. He told her that he was disappointed that she was married and that if she was ever single again he wanted to be first in line. They finally met for drinks at least twice that I know about.

 

In August of last year he told her he was getting married. She asked why and he said "because you're not available and I have to settle for second best". She said "POSTPONE, POSTPONE, POSTPONE. Do that and we'll proceed to the next step."

 

She claims that she was only asking to postpone because as a friend she didn't think getting married was the right thing for him.

[Chrome Barracuda]

I think she ****ed him.

 

Postpone his wedding? for what? Your wife was probably into a EA and seriously tried to make it a PA.

 

I wonder what would happen if you had a female friend and started hanging out with her more often, go to the movies, call on holidays, show you emotions to?

 

And just tell your wife: She's just a friend!

 

Yeah right , friend my ass.

 

I dont think she loved you, she just settled for you. The thing is what do you want outta this marriage because if this is what it means to be married you dont need to be part of it. and you tell her that!

 

There's more to the story than you know. I would employ a 180 and live for you.

[LakesideDream]

She claims it wasn't an EA and that he was never more than a friend. I let it go as long as I did because I wanted proof one way or another whether it was an EA or he was just a friend. I never did get it, although I've been to four counselors, discussed the contents of the emails and they all said that it was an EA.

 

Most of the postings that I read on here make it easy to determine that it was an EA. With her it was unclear. She made arrangements several times to meet him for drinks, and usually he canceled out on her. She sent him revealing pictures. He told her that he was disappointed that she was married and that if she was ever single again he wanted to be first in line. They finally met for drinks at least twice that I know about.

 

In August of last year he told her he was getting married. She asked why and he said "because you're not available and I have to settle for second best". She said "POSTPONE, POSTPONE, POSTPONE. Do that and we'll proceed to the next step."

 

She claims that she was only asking to postpone because as a friend she didn't think getting married was the right thing for him.

 

 

Gullible. You will never "get over it". You will never again trust her like you did before discovering the affair. Thats just the way it is. You haven't said how long you have been married, or whether you have children together.

 

If there are no children my advice is "DON'T POSTPONE, DON'T POSTPONE, DON'T POSTPONE" Just see an attorney, and begin to dissolve the marriage. Life is way to short to continue to live with someone who says they are sorry they hurt you .... BUT.

 

All of us know that everything after the "BUT" is only there to justify and negate what came before. She isn't sorry about anything besides being caught before she could walk away painlessly with her lover. Chances are good that next time she will be both more careful, and more successful in her endivours.

 

Sad but true. She's checked out of the marriage, and is waiting for the way to leave that is easiest for her, and which supplies her with the most profit.

 

Good luck.

[soda]

She would NEVER, NEVER accept the behavior if the shoe were on the other foot. If your wife learned that you'd told a female friend to postpone her wedding so she could be with you, your wife would have your head.

 

4 years is a long time to have to deal with this ****. Personally, I wouldn't.

[soda]

BTW, you shouldn't have to "get over the way you feel."

 

Your wife is probably trying to convince you of all your shortcomings...jealousy...insecurity...and being controlling, right? This is a BS tactic to justify the affair. She'll do everything that she can to convince you that the problem is on your end, and then she'll tell you that you need to forgive her and forget about the past. What steps is SHE actually taking to repair the marriage?

[gullible]

Your wife is probably trying to convince you of all your shortcomings...jealousy...insecurity...and being controlling, right? This is a BS tactic to justify the affair. She'll do everything that she can to convince you that the problem is on your end, and then she'll tell you that you need to forgive her and forget about the past.

Yes, that's right. She says that I have completely misinterpreted everything and that the guy is just a friend. She doesn't think that what she did was any big deal. She says the trouble is that I'm suffering from depression, that I wasn't happy in my prior marriage and that I'm not happy now, and that I wouldn't be happy if I divorced her.

 

What steps is SHE actually taking to repair the marriage?

Sunday I made the decision that I was leaving her and moving out. After I told her, she went out to her car and came back with a 3 ring binder full of travel plans which she said were a present for my birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise, but she decided to tell me about it early.

 

Her daughter flys a lot and gave W two roundtrip tickets to anywhere for W's birthday, and so she decided to use them for a trip to Northern CA in October during the week of my birthday.

 

The trip is all planned out. The flight has been scheduled, the daughter has paid for the first night's motel, and they have planned the trip to a T. W has always wanted to go to Northern CA, and it seemed to mean so much to her that I told her I would go.

[stampdaddy]

This is a tough one.. From what you have been writing, it all COULD be true (what she says). I mean, I know me and my sense of humor.. I could very well have these types of conversations and mean nothing by it. Doesnt mean I don't like the person, that they aren't a true, really good friend, that hell, I may be even attracted to in some way. It doesnt mean that some of the kidding around doesnt cross a line or 2. But it wouldnt mean that I was having an affair, that I didnt have a wife, that I didnt have as much "fun" with my wife either, in that way. The "Postpone it" thing could mean anything. No, not easy for you to read, I am sure. But unless I am missing something, you have no solid proof of anything. And trust me, I know what it's like to "wonder" what the hell is what..

Hang in there

[Chrome Barracuda]

Yes, that's right. She says that I have completely misinterpreted everything and that the guy is just a friend. She doesn't think that what she did was any big deal. She says the trouble is that I'm suffering from depression, that I wasn't happy in my prior marriage and that I'm not happy now, and that I wouldn't be happy if I divorced her.

 

Sunday I made the decision that I was leaving her and moving out. After I told her, she went out to her car and came back with a 3 ring binder full of travel plans which she said were a present for my birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise, but she decided to tell me about it early.

 

Her daughter flys a lot and gave W two roundtrip tickets to anywhere for W's birthday, and so she decided to use them for a trip to Northern CA in October during the week of my birthday.

 

The trip is all planned out. The flight has been scheduled, the daughter has paid for the first night's motel, and they have planned the trip to a T. W has always wanted to go to Northern CA, and it seemed to mean so much to her that I told her I would go.

 

 

Bull**** it's all manipulation. She knew you would leave that's why she pulled that stunt with you. If she aint commited to rebuilding the marriage? then what is there to talk about? She's being manipulative. you wont be happy if you divorce me? WTF? your not the one who's having the affair!

 

God you need to divorce her and be done with it. Dont go on the vacation with her, and start seeing a lawyer about your rights. Be serious about it.

 

If she doesnt give up this damaging friendship it's a wrap. You dont need the disrespect. and the gaslighting needs to end! she sounds like a complete bitch!

[Lookingforward]

My wife had what I consider to be an EA for over 4 years which ended late last year after I told her I wanted a divorce. She says that she loves me very much, that she wants to stay married to me and that I should forgive her, so at this point I am undecided what to do.

 

I accidently found out about the EA in 2003 when she left her yahoo email open. I have talked to her about it on two prior occasions (2006 and 2007), and she has insisted that the guy is only a friend and that she would break off all contact with him. Obviously she didn't do this on the two prior occasions.

 

My problem is that I just can't get over it. At this point I don't have the same feelings for her that I did before this happened. She has pointed out that I cheated on my prior wife, and that I have a dual standard if I refuse to forgive her for what she did, which she insists was not cheating.

 

She has apologized several times, but for some reason the apologies don't seem sincere. At first she said 'I'm sorry if I hurt you -- then a long pause -- But I didn't do anything wrong.' Then she changed it to 'I'm really sorry that I hurt you'. I guess the 'But I didn't do anything wrong' is implied.

 

I have to either get over the way I feel or proceed with the divorce. My question is 'How do I get over the way I feel?'

 

Thanks.

 

I haven't read through the rest of the thread yet - but this phrase (bolded) struck me - it's all her isn't it ? She thinks you SHOULD forgive her ? Excuse me ?

 

Tell her this is no longer about HER but about how YOU feel and what decision YOU will be comfortable with - what a selfish witch - oh and inform her that what happened in your past R has little if nothing to do with you and her.

 

Bad enough when a partner uses a prior experience in their own R to justify their behaviour, but this is beyond belief to use what occurred in a past R to justify her actions in this one.

[Lookingforward]

Yes, that's right. She says that I have completely misinterpreted everything and that the guy is just a friend. She doesn't think that what she did was any big deal. She says the trouble is that I'm suffering from depression, that I wasn't happy in my prior marriage and that I'm not happy now, and that I wouldn't be happy if I divorced her.

 

Sunday I made the decision that I was leaving her and moving out. After I told her, she went out to her car and came back with a 3 ring binder full of travel plans which she said were a present for my birthday. She wanted it to be a surprise, but she decided to tell me about it early.

 

Her daughter flys a lot and gave W two roundtrip tickets to anywhere for W's birthday, and so she decided to use them for a trip to Northern CA in October during the week of my birthday.

 

The trip is all planned out. The flight has been scheduled, the daughter has paid for the first night's motel, and they have planned the trip to a T. W has always wanted to go to Northern CA, and it seemed to mean so much to her that I told her I would go.

 

Hmmm...so where does the 'friend' live ? Hope it's not northern CA

[Bryanp]

She tells this man to postpone his wedding and she will proceed to the next step with him? She claims that she did nothing wrong and he is just a friend?......Oh Please. The comment that she will proceed to the next step with him if only he postpones his wedding clearly implied she was now willing to screw him. I am sorry but there is no other way to interpret this. She is quite the manipulator. Enough is enough!

[Lookingforward]

She tells this man to postpone his wedding and she will proceed to the next step with him? She claims that she did nothing wrong and he is just a friend?......Oh Please. The comment that she will proceed to the next step with him if only he postpones his wedding clearly implied she was now willing to screw him. I am sorry but there is no other way to interpret this. She is quite the manipulator. Enough is enough!

 

yep, that's one red flag that's waving wildly.........

[stampdaddy]

OK.. my "benefit of the doubt" theory doesnt fly.. Just a little "hope" I guess, that somebody could be telling the truth

[Lookingforward]

OK.. my "benefit of the doubt" theory doesnt fly.. Just a little "hope" I guess, that somebody could be telling the truth

 

no biggie SD, seems we can always see the red flags for others so clearly yet be blinded to those in our own Rs

[gullible]

OK.. my "benefit of the doubt" theory doesnt fly.. Just a little "hope" I guess, that somebody could be telling the truth

 

Gosh for a moment there after SD's original post I thought perhaps I could be interpreting what she said and did wrong. However, now even he doesn't think that's possible.

[smartgirl]

I am often in favor of reconcilliation - but NOT at any price.

 

Your wife sounds emotionally immature (despite her age) and distorts facts to suit her immediate need. She may want to believe that she did not have an affair because what she did doesn't fall into the category of what she has seen on TV. There are a number of books on the subject - "Not Just Friends" comes to mind. If she is willing to do some serious introspection and do some reading that would be a good sign. If she refuses, then you should not agree to live this lie along with her.

 

My H's OW had a tendency to make claims that were clearly out of line with the facts. But she expected others to go along with her stated version of reality, just because she said so. Rational people can only do that for so long. I think you have reached your limit.

 

Whether she wants to call it an EA or not, she has told you repeatedly that she will stop contact and she hasn't. Your affair from your first marriage is irrelevant in this. She has lied to you and broken promises - REPEATEDLY. That is different from a single transgression where the person breaks contact and refocuses on the marriage.

 

From the limited info provided, is it possible this is a one-sided infatuation and the OM really doesn't want to have anything to do with her? If so, she has to get help. Since she appears to be somewhat delusional, is it possible the travel binder was something designed to get him to take a trip with her?

 

In either case, I think you have been more than fair. She has continued to cross the line and I don't think she can/will stop. You might consider contacting the OM to find out what he has to say and confront her with that if useful.

 

Tell me this, I see a lot of reasons in your post to get out of this marriage. Are there any real reasons to stay?

[gullible]

From the limited info provided, is it possible this is a one-sided infatuation and the OM really doesn't want to have anything to do with her?

I wish I could read other people's minds and know what they were thinking (especially W's), but I can't. When OM first wrote her in 2003 he apparently had just divorced his W and he contacted my W to try to start a relationship. She told him that she was happily married, but perhaps they could be friends. He proceeded like a friend would -- he asked her out to lunch and said that she could bring me. She declined and said that she would rather meet for drinks, but that it had to be in a dark bar where nobody would recognize her.

 

When he told her last year that he was getting married he said that they should have one last "fling" before the wedding day. So I suspect that all he's after is a friend with benefits.

 

Incidently, I think all of the previous "flings" were before we got married.

 

Since she appears to be somewhat delusional, is it possible the travel binder was something designed to get him to take a trip with her?

No. I truly believe that at this point she doesn't plan to have any contact with him. She seemed to have lost interest when he told her he was getting married.

 

This "marriage" was to a woman that he had been living with for several years. I checked the county records and in reality he married her in November of 2003. So, he's been lying to my W all of this time about being married.

 

Tell me this, I see a lot of reasons in your post to get out of this marriage. Are there any real reasons to stay?

W has pointed out that we're both getting up in years and we're too old to start over. I have to agree with her on that. Besides, most married people seem to be unhappy, so perhaps it's just something that we have to put up with.

[smartgirl]

I wish I could read other people's minds and know what they were thinking (especially W's), but I can't. When OM first wrote her in 2003 he apparently had just divorced his W and he contacted my W to try to start a relationship. She told him that she was happily married, but perhaps they could be friends. He proceeded like a friend would -- he asked her out to lunch and said that she could bring me. She declined and said that she would rather meet for drinks, but that it had to be in a dark bar where nobody would recognize her.

 

When he told her last year that he was getting married he said that they should have one last "fling" before the wedding day. So I suspect that all he's after is a friend with benefits.

 

Incidently, I think all of the previous "flings" were before we got married.

 

No. I truly believe that at this point she doesn't plan to have any contact with him. She seemed to have lost interest when he told her he was getting married.

 

This "marriage" was to a woman that he had been living with for several years. I checked the county records and in reality he married her in November of 2003. So, he's been lying to my W all of this time about being married.

 

W has pointed out that we're both getting up in years and we're too old to start over. I have to agree with her on that. Besides, most married people seem to be unhappy, so perhaps it's just something that we have to put up with.

 

That is no way to live. Deciding to live in an unhappy situation is not a viable long term solution. You either have to try and improve the situation with your wife or move on despite your age. BTW, may I ask what that age is?

 

My H and I are in our early 50's and are recovering from his A. In the last few years we have been able to completely turn our relationship around, in all ways, and are much happier than we were before the A. Within our relationship of course. I'm still struggling with the pain of the betrayal itself.

 

You may decide to stay together, but that should not be on the same terms as before. I think you both need to make some changes.

 

People use the idea of happiness to justify having affairs. By that, they typically mean the head spinning, risk taking infatuation high. That is not real world love or happiness. But perhaps you and your wife could find happiness going forward - the kind that offers contentment and knowing that you are loved. But it doesn't just happen, it takes some constructive relationship work and a lot of talking.

[Darth Vader]

I think the wife of the poster of this Thread is just using G as a meal ticket, seems obvious to me. Also, just how convenent was it for her to just happen to have a binder of travel plans? My guess is, the poster loves to travel, now how wrong am I about this one? Go figure.