Reconciling...should I 'fess up?

[4givrnt4gtr]

So my ex bf and I started talking/going out again as of last week. I didnt think it would happen, that he would take my email about really thinking about what he wanted and deciding he wanted me.

Anyway, the problem lies in that when we were broken up (for over a month) me and my best guy friend ended up kissing after a night of drinking and me being emotional. At the time I thought my bf wasnt going to come back. I was heartbroken and lonely, and I guess impulsive.

It didnt mean much, as i just see this guy as my friend, and I stopped it before anything else could happen.

However, my ex asked me if anything "stupid" happened while we were apart...I said no because the kiss didnt get far. However he kept bringing it up, saying that he wanted to know that the girl he was with was strong enough not to run to the first man that pays her attention. He at first also said that if I had said yes when he first asked me on the phone, things would have been different between us.

Later he asked again and I asked him if he thought something had happened. He first said no, that he knew i was strong...but that if something had happened that he knew i was very innocent and that someone could easily take advantage of it. He then sorta mentioned how he wouldnt want to know...or maybe he did..and then maybe he didnt.

 

All this is making me nervous...should I just come out and tell him that my friend and I kissed while we werent together? I feel like I cheated even though we werent together at the time.

 

If i were to put it in context, I didnt cheat, and what I did/didnt do during the time is really none of his business.

BUT...at the same time, if i knew we could get back together, maybe i shouldnt have done that. Granted...no i didnt think he would come back, but still.

 

In any case, part of me wants to tell him. Although he said he would bassically not continue with the relationship (and then said he couldnt blame me, so really who knows), I feel that if we are to give us a chance we have to be as honest as possible.

 

Another side of me says that a. I didnt cheat, so there's nothing to tell. B. Despite that, I know it'll hurt him to know i kiss someone else. It might not do anything positive to our relationship.

 

Also, when i was talking to him it sounds to me he has an image of someone that I am not. THis innocent sweet girl, who is submissive and gentle. This is another reason why I feel like i should tell him. ANd let him know that if he is going to love me, he needs to love ME not the idea he has of who I am....

 

what do you guys thing? Should i tell him now that we are trying to reconcile?

[Nevermind]

Yes. If it comes up later, it will be a bigger problem. You broke it off, because he send sexual text messages behind your back. If you keep the kiss a secret, you're just as bad.

 

If you want this to work, you'll have to be honest. If he can't deal with it, then you have to accept that.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Yes. If it comes up later, it will be a bigger problem. You broke it off, because he send sexual text messages behind your back. If you keep the kiss a secret, you're just as bad.

 

If you want this to work, you'll have to be honest. If he can't deal with it, then you have to accept that.

Ok but if i were to tell him, I honestly dont think its fair for me to put it as "I cheated".

 

Bassically my thing is this....I didnt feel guilty when all that happened, because my ex cheated on me and on top of it it didnt seem like he care to win me back.

But now i feel like the tables are being turned on me, and thats not fair. I didnt do anything to hurt him, I didnt do anything that was intentionally behind his back. I would have told him what happened had he not put it in the "please tell me nothing happened" tone.

what a freaking mess

[4givrnt4gtr]

any other thoughts? this totally blows...i dont want to be made feel like I cheated...and much less have to deal with the consequences as if I had....

[ladyinlimbo]

Seems someone brought up perhaps some previous details regarding the demise of this relationship (i'm new here so don't know your history) -- so it's true that while you were in a relationship with him, he was caught sending sexy text messages to other women; is that the case?

 

You are NOT a cheater because you kissed someone while you 2 were APART. It's none of his dang business. He sounds very immature and insecure and maybe even a little controlling? You do not need to tell him about this kiss and that doesn't make you an awful person for keeping that to yourself. Even if you had slept with someone for the month you were apart, that's your business. He sounds very manipulative to me.

 

I would certainly not put into the same category, you giving a kiss to a friend in a moment of weakness - while NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP - and your ex sending sexy text msg's while you were in a relationship....that's like comparing apples to oranges.

 

So why did you 2 break up to begin with ? Who initiated the break-up? What ages are you both?

[4givrnt4gtr]

Seems someone brought up perhaps some previous details regarding the demise of this relationship (i'm new here so don't know your history) -- so it's true that while you were in a relationship with him, he was caught sending sexy text messages to other women; is that the case?

 

You are NOT a cheater because you kissed someone while you 2 were APART. It's none of his dang business. He sounds very immature and insecure and maybe even a little controlling? You do not need to tell him about this kiss and that doesn't make you an awful person for keeping that to yourself. Even if you had slept with someone for the month you were apart, that's your business. He sounds very manipulative to me.

 

I would certainly not put into the same category, you giving a kiss to a friend in a moment of weakness - while NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP - and your ex sending sexy text msg's while you were in a relationship....that's like comparing apples to oranges.

 

So why did you 2 break up to begin with ? Who initiated the break-up? What ages are you both?

 

I broke up with him because I found a few dirty text messages to some chick. I am 24 he is 29.

WE talked about the whole text message situation. He told me that what had happened was that a girl sent him an email from the website that we met in. He replied to the email and he ended up giving her his number. She then texted him while he was in a match with his friends. THey all ended up messing around, sending the text messages I saw. He swore to me that nothing ever happened besides that, that he never even heard her voice or has ever seen her.

When I saw them i walked away, broke it off and took all my things. As i said during that month I asked him to think about what he wanted and let me know. TO take his time. He never replied to that email so I figured he had just given up....

and the kiss happened...

and now I feel like if we are gonna begin again, we need to know we, neither of us, have nothing to hide.

 

So...with that background....should i still not tell him?

[ladyinlimbo]

So let me get this straight - he claims the dirty text messages were "nothing" -- he gives a woman his phone number while in a relationship (with you)....but it was all just innocent? Sounds like a whole lot of crap to me. He wasn't respecting you or your relationship and good for you for standing up and ending things.

 

But now he's insecurely interrogating you about whether you "did something stupid" while apart (how rude and condescending is that? very!) -- and basically saying that you're such a good girl, so naive and innocent (in other words, "stupid"), that someone might have tried to take advantage of you. Talk about back-handed compliments!

 

No - regardless of the text messaging thing, you do not owe him any explanations for anything you did while you weren't in a relationship. My God, you kissed someone - you didn't sleep with the entire football team!

 

I would greatly resent an ex who conducted himself as yours did (the shady text messaging thing, that sounds like a crock of BS to me) - then figures he can interrogate you on what you may have done while you were not together.......and the very reason you were no longer together was because of his shady behavior and disrespect of you/your relationship.

 

Do you really want to be with a guy like this? Can YOU ever trust him again? Does he deserve your trust? he's twisting this all around to put the focus on YOU -- trying to get you to confess some "DIRT" - what, so he can then use it against you? It's none of his dam* business. And he truly has no BUSINESS interrogating you. What happened while you were apart is YOUR business and he has a lot of nerve to make you feel that you have to answer to him. Had he not acted like a horse's butt, you wouldn't have broken up to begin with and this all wouldn't even be an issue.

 

Keep in mind too........those who are very insecure and untrusting of their partners (as he seems to be) are often this way because deep down, they themself are up to no good.

 

If he can't grow up and mind his own business, I'd say let him go. He's the one that got your relationship into the mess, isn't he? Trustworthy boyfriends don't go giving out their phone/cell numbers to other women - and sending them sexy messages or whatever the heck he did. Period.

[justaman99]

Yes. If it comes up later, it will be a bigger problem. You broke it off, because he send sexual text messages behind your back. If you keep the kiss a secret, you're just as bad.

 

If you want this to work, you'll have to be honest. If he can't deal with it, then you have to accept that.

 

I don't agree at all.

 

1. He sent sexual text messages while IN the relationship AND gave out a phone number to some chick.

2. You kissed some guy after you guys had broken up.

 

One is clearly cheating, the other isn't but may feel that way because of your emotional attachment to your ex.

 

I don't think you're obligated on any level to say anything but do what your heart says is right. I will say from my view however that YOU didn't cheat, he did.

 

-Just

[Nevermind]

I don't think the kiss was cheating, either. Just for the record: in my opinion, you did nothing wrong when you kissed that guy.

 

But, to keep it a secret would be wrong. If you two want to start again, you both should know where you stand. My 02,-

[justaman99]

I don't think the kiss was cheating, either. Just for the record: in my opinion, you did nothing wrong when you kissed that guy.

 

But, to keep it a secret would be wrong. If you two want to start again, you both should know where you stand. My 02,-

 

You broke it off, because he send sexual text messages behind your back. If you keep the kiss a secret, you're just as bad.

 

 

I'm curious why she would be just as bad at keeping a secret about kissing a guy while out of the relationship than him sending sexual text messages behind her back while in it? This action of kissing the dude doesn't need to be defined as a secret at all. So we agree she did nothing wrong here thus no need for it to feel like a shhhhhh, don't tell anyone, meaning not a secret.

[TrustInYourself]

If you feel guilt about the kiss, you should tell him. What's the worst that could happen? That you break up with him again? If he can't handle it, then sorry, you are not meant to be.

[Nevermind]

Because it's a lie. And it's an important lie because he asked her about it several times. They want to rebuild their relationship, and they should do that with honesty. It obviously is an issue for the OP, because she wouldn't have made a thread about it otherwise. So...if she continues to lie, then this will be between them. The easiest way to get this out of the way is to be open about it.

 

If he cannot accept it, then he shows his double standarts and unforgiving charactre. If he does, then they have a much bigger chance at making it work.

[justaman99]

Your ex is an *******. He's poking and probing trying to find information about what you did after you broke up when he's the one that f'd up. He's trying to change direction on the problem at hand and it isn't fair to you at all. I don't think your not telling him about a kiss with some guy after your break up is something you need to worry about. I think what you really need to focus on is the REAL problem. This guy cheated on you and he's trying to change the subject basically. He's trying to find a fault in you and will use that to balance the situation. Be careful here and don't let his tactics put guilt in your head.

 

-Just

[4givrnt4gtr]

Ok, so from what i gather here, im not in the wrong about having kissed this guy while i thought my R was over.....Good, im not crazy.

 

Now what I have decided to do, since I shouldnt feel like I have to hide anything is that I will be meeting up with my guy. I will tell him that we gotta be 100% honest with each other if we are to rebuild a good relationship. I will then ask him if there is anything else he wants to tell me about his little mess....as it stands, I have already decided to give him a chance, cheating is cheating no matter what "level" it was. So, I rather know he can tell me now, and not finding more later. Once thats out of the way, I will then tell him that since he has such a need to know what happened, I will tell him. I have no reason to feel ashamed or try to hide it. And i know that If it comes out later, it will be worst for both of us.

 

...then I will be able to see if we're both in the same page... I am willing to give it all (as usual) to our relationship....and I'd like to see the same coming from him.

 

Is that a good plan??

[ladyinlimbo]

Before you meet up with him and 'confess' -- ask yourself why you want to invest more of your time and heart into a man who:

 

* was caught messing around behind your back; giving out his phone number to other women while in a relationship with you

 

*caught sending sexy text messages to this same woman

 

*lied to your face in an attempt to trivialize and justify the above actions - and therefore get you to believe that it was "all just innocent"

 

?

 

Ask yourself these questions.

[Nevermind]

I have no reason to feel ashamed or try to hide it. And i know that If it comes out later, it will be worst for both of us.

 

That's exactly how I see it. Sorry if it came out blurred.

[4givrnt4gtr]

Before you meet up with him and 'confess' -- ask yourself why you want to invest more of your time and heart into a man who:

 

* was caught messing around behind your back; giving out his phone number to other women while in a relationship with you

 

*caught sending sexy text messages to this same woman

 

*lied to your face in an attempt to trivialize and justify the above actions - and therefore get you to believe that it was "all just innocent"

 

?

 

Ask yourself these questions.

 

 

Well, how gruesome it all sounds doesnt it...but no it wasnt that horrible.

 

What happened was that I saw the text messages....and walked. As he told me saturday when we met for the first time in almost two months, he knew he had messed up, what he did was unforgiveable, so he didnt try to explain to me what happened other than saying that he never even met the woman. So, all i knew for those weeks was what I saw and imagined.

 

After talking to friends and family that know him, I decided that what we had was too good to let it go without trying to save it IF he wanted to make the effort. So i let him know that that was my intention.

After I had decided to forgive him was when he asked me if i wanted to know what truly happened. It was then that he said it had been a joked between him and his friends to mess with a girl who had emailed him. Just the same he knew he disresptected the relationship so thats why he never asked me to forgive him but he was grateful that I did. The reason why i believe that, is because at that point he had no reason to lie...as I already had forgiven him for what he did, so he could just have shut up and not say a thing.

 

He also told me about what he did/didnt do in our month apart (which is why I feel i HAVE to be honest with him as well). He didnt do anything...but said he could have, and his feelings for me held him back.

It all sounds so lame...and Im sure that If im wrong about this I will soon find out...but the more i think about it if I truly want to a. know the truth, b. not have what ifs in my head, I need to be honest and not be ashamed for being human. Also, might teach him a thing or two about me he apparently doesnt know.

[arm7d]

I don't see any reason to tell him. It wasn't cheating and he doesn't need to know about it. People who tell their bf/gf about stuff like this are usually looking to get rid of their own guilt but it doesn't do the relationship any good. He sounds like the jealous type so if you want him to trust you around this other friend or other guys don't give him a reason to play into his own jealous thoughts. Maybe I'm just jaded but people lie all the time in relationships. We lie about your haircut you fake orgasms, its just the dance we do. The only reason I would tell him is if you think he already knows somehow and is asking you to test you, but again maybe I'm just a clever jaded bastard for thinking of that. Good luck whatever you decide but don't do it out of some sense of duty. You don't owe him this one.