westside Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 All Right heres the scoop. Im dating a woman right now that i love. Im going to give you all the details so please take time to read this and then pass judgement. We met in a program for recovering drug addicts and alcaholics when i met her i guess i was looking for companionship but its turned into more then that we are on the same emotional level and have been together over a year. Here's her background she is in her early 30's..3 years older then me.... she has 2 kids one a teenager and the other 8 years old.... i know what your thinking baggage ..ok... heres where it gets more ****ed up... Her Ex Husband... who does not live in the same town as us but grew up here.. is a complete psycho and has controlled her all her life as she says .... comes into town and jus ****s **** up...he drinks gets in fights and drags his kid along to houses where this activity is going down... he pisses me off so much ... but what makes it worse is she accomodates him she picks him up from the airport in a town an hour away ... she lets him stay in her house cause he's got no where to go... she goes to dinner with him when he's in town, she drives him around town cause he doesnt have a vehicle... so on so on ...and it pisses me off and i tell her she needs to set boundary's... then she always tells me I dont no **** because i dont have kids... yet everytime he hurts her with a comment or does something stupid she comes to me for a shoulder to cry on.... Its ****in wit me ...cause this all dumps on me and frankly i cant take it no more so i told her stop talking about him i dont wanna here it then she gets mad and says "he's the father of my children" and its like she protects him WHY???? DOES SHE STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM??? HE MAKES MORE MONEY THEN ME DOES SHE WANNNA GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HIM FOR THAT???? i need some serious advice because me and her where talkin about moving to a city and living together ... but she says if i cant handle her EX then i need to let her no ...why should that matter is she just gonna let him intimidate her into not dating again??? plus ive managed to stay sober for over a year i used drugs with her one night and that was it we never used again we seen where this relationship would head if we did ....her on the other hand has not stayed sober she devolped an opiate addiction ...wow the more im writing this the more i see how ****ed up this is. I guess i aint all perfect either im living in my moms basement i havent worked in a year i was on house arrest for 3 months where she supported me but idk i love her truly she has really good qualitys but let me know what ur advice would be should i stay or should i go
saraispiel19 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 ah this is why you cannot start relationships when starting a detox or mental problems program. I am sure concilors have also alerted you- however you made the descion and now stuck. Well this complex woman you have fallen in love with (I believe it is lust or maybe still in that euphoric state) is not a great help. I would understand why she still loves her husband (although questioning it due to the circumstances of what you've said her relationship was like); she's had children with him and was probably (in my guess) with him for a lengthy period of time. Love does not go away easily especially if your the one who got hurt. I'm wondering: how long has she been seperated with this man? If he is so violent, aggressive, etc. then why does she continously put up with it if it has been a long period of time- sure you can say it's because she loves him but really i'm leaning towards a little thing called co-dependancy. I don't know her case or where she stands on the situation with her ex husband but as you tell it I would suggest that you stay out of the equation. Sure she may be a great gal but remember you also met her at an addictions group- you may be strong however she may not. Look at what you have to deal with: -a possible love for the ex -an ex that comes and goes in her life (he'll always be there because of the kids but how you describe it, it would not proceed to be in any way a civilized manner therefore more problems) -children (not really a big barrier if they like you but if they don't well if she's a good mom she'll take a pass at you. no mother would push thier kids aside for a man- no offense) -an addiction problem Ask yourself this? Do you really want to deal with all that? Do you think it's worth your time and effort ? Key component here is time and effort: theres a lot of work to be done here in order to maintain and/or create a healthy relationship between the two of you. In my opinion: keep her as a friend, but not a close one- she seems toxic and of no good in your part. keep us posted and good luck to ya!
Author westside Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 yeah she has been seperated from him for 3 years now but like u said comes and goes out her life who is to say she didnt get back wit him for a brief stint or not during that time span. And as far as her kids i am great with them im the polar opposite of there dad. Especially the youngest boy im great for his life when his dad comes into town then leaves like he does so often he gets very upset and lonely so thats where i kinda come in and help... im no way shape or form a father figure to him though im his friend more or less and its not like im trying to take mommy away. And I know i was told not to get in relationships i heard it a million times but never believed it. And as far as our paths we wanna go in life, i dont know if im ready to settle wit a family im a inspiring artist (musically) and i want to go reach for my dream. She seems like her life is set...her kids ex husband who is gonna haunt her forever till he recieves the help he needs ... and her ****ty payin job for the rest of her life. Every thing is great till he comes back in town between us. But like U said when it comes to addiction i am the strong one and she is weak ... But lately ive felt like gettin drunk as ****
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