london_guy Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I'm 43 years old, single and have been totally unable to form any kind of relationship for pretty much my entire life. I can't get people to talk to me (so much for "it's what's on the inside that counts"). The only thing that I want is to have a girlfriend, and I can't see why it is that should be such a terrible thing for me to ask. I've tried everything - pubs, bars, social clubs, internet dating. Back in the days before internet dating, I tried the old fashioned "introduction agencies" - all to no avail. What is it that causes the female of the species to have such a low opinion of me? How do I find the mythical "someone for everyone"? How much longer to I have to "be patient"? Or is it just time to accept that things are never going to change, that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, and just ensure that isn't far away?
Storyrider Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 We need to know more about you to give good advice. What do you think you could offer in a relationship?
Author london_guy Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 clearly, whatever it may be, it's nothing that anybody wants
JohnnyBlaze Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 In the end, what's inside counts for a lot. If it wasn't, then Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston would probably still be together. However, getting to know the 'real' you takes time. Most girls (and guys, in the reverse instance) don't want to spend six months getting to know someone to decide whether or not they want to date that person. You need that initial attraction to start things. It's like a fire; you need light kindling to get the flame started, and heavy wood to keep it burning. Sadly, you need both to make it work. Now, as to why you're not having much success, not knowing anything about you or the events, it could be practically anything. So, let's try and cut the list by half, if not more: When do most rejections happen? Are they before a date or after? If they're before... Where are the majority occurring? Do you try one type of place more than another (i.e. picking up girls in bars)?How do you dress for the environment? Example: jeans and a concert T may not work well in an upscale martini bar.What type of chick are you looking for? Bleach blondes with fake tits tend to go for a different type than mousey bookworms.Do you have a 'stock' approach? What is it? Are you suave, sincere, funny, what?Do you generally get the same response from girls? What is it? What physical responses do they give? If they're after... What is typical Date One? Most people have certain things they like to do on the first date (go for coffee, go to a movie, etc.).Do you notice any consistent signs that the date isn't going well? If so, what, and when does it occur (within the date)?What do you talk about on the first date? How much do you reveal about yourself?Once again, if there's a consistent verbal response, what is it? Miscellaneous Questions What do you think is the reason?Regardless of what women think, how do you view yourself?What do you like about yourself? What don't you like?What's the biggest change you'd like to make to yourself, and how much would you want to change it?
Suiyobi Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Well, some things I've learned are: - First impressions DO matter. - Looks aren't everything, but read the point above... - You gotta show enough interest in the girl but not too much that she'll think you're needy and clingy, or that your world will fall apart if she rejects you. - Be friendly, but early on you gotta start showing hints that you can take your relationship with the girl to the next level... if you wait too long (which I personally seem to be guilty of) you get thrown into her "friends zone". - Be yourself but DO show that you have confidence and that you enjoy being who you are. Easier said than done, I know, but if you act now I think you'll find yourself an attractive mate much sooner. Go out there and break a leg!
You'reasian Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 What is it that causes the female of the species to have such a low opinion of me? How do I find the mythical "someone for everyone"? How much longer to I have to "be patient"? Or is it just time to accept that things are never going to change, that I'll be alone for the rest of my life, and just ensure that isn't far away? Need more information. I'm a good decade and some younger than you, so I don't know if my advice matters.... Focus on you. your life and your endeavors. when you have free time, soak it up and really enjoy it - if by random chance you see an attractive woman, introduce yourself. Don't even worry whether or not she's interested and just focus on having a great time. I've noticed that when you're focused on your own areas of interest and life, someone might take an interest and come your way. Change your center of gravity from girlfriend to something that you do.
Author london_guy Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 In the end, what's inside counts for a lot Only "in the end". If people find you physically unattractive, they never find out what's inside, so it counts for nothing. When do most rejections happen? Are they before a date or after? Before. Way before. Before I even talk to people. And I mean that quite literally - not "I talk to them and they reject me", they reject even the concept of talking to me. Where are the majority occurring? Do you try one type of place more than another (i.e. picking up girls in bars)? I've tried bars (non-starter, for reasons mentioned above), I've tried the online thing (again, non-starter. Option 1 - have a photo, and that puts women off; Option 2 - no photo, and they don't even bother reading emails). As the years wear on, there are fewer and fewer opportunities to meet people of a similar age, and there are also fewer and fewer single women who are interested in meeting a guy. How do you dress for the environment? Example: jeans and a concert T may not work well in an upscale martini bar. I'm pretty much a jeans and t-shirt kind of guy - but then, I don't hang out in upscale martini bars. What type of chick are you looking for? Bleach blondes with fake tits tend to go for a different type than mousey bookworms. At this point, a pulse would be nice. I don't "go" for any particular physical type as such. Do you have a 'stock' approach? What is it? Are you suave, sincere, funny, what? In the unlikely event anyone would let me speak to them, I'd probably "use" humour and a little intellect. But it's moot. Do you generally get the same response from girls? What is it? What physical responses do they give? Depends; if they're with friends it's usually pointing and some comment along the lines of "have you seen that freak" and then laughing at me. If they're alone, they usually hit on the nearest guy rather than be anywhere near be (yes, I've actually seen that happen). But either way around, it's studied avoidance. What is typical Date One? Most people have certain things they like to do on the first date (go for coffee, go to a movie, etc.). It's been so long since I've managed "date one", that I honestly can't remember. Seriously. What do you think is the reason? Physical appearance; it has to be - if people won't even let me speak to them, what else can it be? Regardless of what women think, how do you view yourself? I'm a smart guy, with a great sense of humour and a good job. What do you like about yourself? What don't you like? Likes: See above. Dislikes: My skin What's the biggest change you'd like to make to yourself, and how much would you want to change it? I'd like to change my skin - and I'd give literally anything to do that.
Author london_guy Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Well, some things I've learned are: - First impressions DO matter. - Looks aren't everything, but read the point above... - You gotta show enough interest in the girl but not too much that she'll think you're needy and clingy, or that your world will fall apart if she rejects you. - Be friendly, but early on you gotta start showing hints that you can take your relationship with the girl to the next level... if you wait too long (which I personally seem to be guilty of) you get thrown into her "friends zone". - Be yourself but DO show that you have confidence and that you enjoy being who you are. Easier said than done, I know, but if you act now I think you'll find yourself an attractive mate much sooner. Go out there and break a leg! All true - but sadly kind of misses the point. I can't even get someone to talk to me. This isn't hyperbole; this isn't wining - it's a statement of fact.
JP77 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 You sound like a decent fellow, but mate, you gotsa sort out your self esteem issues, you gotta take more pride in yourself. You gotta make changes, instead of sitting there in self pitty mode. You lack self esteem by your post and this massive red flag for anyone, I should know, I was you once, son (you're about twenty years odd years older than me). You need take more pride in yourself, you need to be comfortable in your skin. You need to work on you, you need to fix your faults and fine tune your strengths. Try changing your style of clothing, try getting a new hairstyle, try new hobbies, get out there and meet new people, but more importantly women and hone your communication skills with me. Start off with simple conversations with women, until you gain the confidence and self esteem needed to carry onto the next stage. Sitting on your backside hasn't worked and it won't work. With a confident streak a man can turn from an average catch to a better catch. Like you, I am working on my confidence. It takes time, but it needs to be done, it's time to break free and make the vital changes, but first work on yourself, make yourself appealing, use your knowledge, life experience and age well and you, sir can attract women, at least twenty years your junior and senior, if you likes em' old.
JohnnyBlaze Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 JP's right on the money. It's time for a re-do. Do you have any female friends that you trust? If so, invite her over for a beer or some wine. A little booze is likely to reduce her niceness and increase more honest, blatant answers. For once, this is a good thing. You need her for a project. Men always complain that women are trying to change us, and now you're going to ask her to do just that. Step 1: Body. Ask her what it is about your body that turns women off. She may be harsh. Hopefully she will be, anyway. You're fat, you're scrawny, whatever. Whatever she says, don't take it personally. Remember: you asked for it. Whatever she says is wrong, write it down. Then make a plan to fix it. Trim down, bulk up, whatever. Stage two: Attire. This is the part that many women love. Get out your credit card and take her shopping...for you. You drive, she directs. She picks the store and the two of you get some new outfits for you. You're getting a new body; a new look should go with it, at least on a part-time basis. Stage three: Vibe. She may need another two trusted girlfriends to help out here. Pick a joint you like going to where women frequent (bars, bookstores, wherever). If it's a bar, she'll need the friends so that she can focus on you and not spend all evening fending off guys (after all, she's here on business, not pleasure!). Have her go in ahead of you and get comfy. You come in a few minutes later (so no girls see you two coming in together and thinking she's your girlfriend), and act like you normally would. Ask her to watch how you act, how you move, how you talk to girls and what signals you're inadvertently sending out (as girls can pick up on 5,000,000 signals that we never knew of or intended to send).
Author london_guy Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 you gotsa sort out your self esteem issues No problem with my selfesteem - it's the esteem others hold me in. I was you once, son (you're about twenty years odd years older than me) At leas I see the irony in someone half my age calling me "son"... you need to be comfortable in your skin I'm comfortable in it. it's others that aren't comfortable around it. you need to fix your faults Sadly, there's no "fix" for my skin. I've seen some of the best dermatologists on the planet - and they'll tell you the same thing.
Author london_guy Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 Do you have any female friends No. that you trust? See above. It all goes a bit downhill from there.
JP77 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 No problem with my selfesteem - it's the esteem others hold me in. At leas I see the irony in someone half my age calling me "son"... I'm comfortable in it. it's others that aren't comfortable around it. Sadly, there's no "fix" for my skin. I've seen some of the best dermatologists on the planet - and they'll tell you the same thing. You're clearly telling tales, because you portray yourself as someone with self esteem issues, you seem like someone who isn't comfortable in his own skin and you seem quite happy to do nothing to change your situation and until you do that, no one can help you out. Ask yourself this, if you haven't had a relationship for most of your adult then isn't it time you changed that? You blame women for your situation, but it's not women that you should blame. Work on yourself and then go out chasing women.
JP77 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 No. See above. It all goes a bit downhill from there. Develop friends with women, get to understand them better and then work on forging more intimate relations with them. That's all the advice, I can offer, but ultimately something is broken and it needs fixing.
Author london_guy Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 You're clearly telling tales, because you portray yourself as someone with self esteem issues, you seem like someone who isn't comfortable in his own skin and you seem quite happy to do nothing to change your situation and until you do that, no one can help you out. Please take the time to read my words before hurling that kind of criticism. If I have low self-esteem (which I dispute - I honestly have no idea where you get that idea from), it's because people like you ignore every word of what I'm saying and then put me down because they can't be bothered to listen. I suggest you look up psoriasis, and then consider what it's like to have a severe case which quite literally covers your face and hands (i.e. the places where you can't hide it). People are frightened of it, because they don't know what it is. People are - quite literally - terrified of catching something if they get near me. Yes, *I* know it's not contagious, but most people don't. And there's no way for me to educate them otherwise. Ask yourself this, if you haven't had a relationship for most of your adult then isn't it time you changed that? Seriously - if you've got a cure for my skin condition, I'd really like to hear about it. So would a LOT of other people. HOW do i change it? You blame women for your situation, but it's not women that you should blame. I've said it repeatedly, and it doesn't seem to get through; women won't even talk to me. LITERALLY. It's not that I talk to them, and then they get bored and wander off - the conversation never happens. So why do I blame women? Because they judge me based SOLELY on my appearance; my skin. No other factor involved. Please explain to me how I can find someone without ever even speaking to them? But how can you ever possibly understand. Must be nice to live in your cotton-candy world.
Author london_guy Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 Develop friends with women How? How do I develop friendships with people who won't come anywhere near me? ultimately something is broken and it needs fixing. It's my life that's broken, and it's clearly not fixable. I may as well end it. Goodbye. I'm sorry to have wasted your valuable time - but at least you had somebody to pour scorn on.
JP77 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Please take the time to read my words before hurling that kind of criticism. If I have low self-esteem (which I dispute - I honestly have no idea where you get that idea from), it's because people like you ignore every word of what I'm saying and then put me down because they can't be bothered to listen. It's not criticism, you posted on her for advice and I have given you advice, you have chosen to ignore the advice, a few people have given you. I presume you posted here for different perspectives? If so, you've gotten mine and I am sorry, if you do not like what I have said. I was trying to be helpful and suggest ways to improve yourself. I never intended to put you down. I suggest you look up psoriasis, and then consider what it's like to have a severe case which quite literally covers your face and hands (i.e. the places where you can't hide it). People are frightened of it, because they don't know what it is. People are - quite literally - terrified of catching something if they get near me. Yes, *I* know it's not contagious, but most people don't. And there's no way for me to educate them otherwise. My friend has plaque psoriasis and she has never had a problem with men. Her entire left side is covered from neck down and she is happy, in a relationship and doing well. Do you have a more severe form of psoriasis? The people who are judging you based on your skin condition are not worth talking to, or knowing in the first place, so you aren't missing out. Seriously - if you've got a cure for my skin condition, I'd really like to hear about it. So would a LOT of other people. HOW do i change it? I have a cure for your self pittying and that is to sort your life out, don't see your skin condition as a problem and start accepting you have it and improve your morale. Read my initial post for further advice. I've known people with huge moles on their face, and I have known people with skin pigmentation problems find love and have children. Hell I have problems with women and I don't have any skin conditions. You can't change it, but you can change how you view yourself and how other's view you. You are treated by others, the way in which you treated yourself. If you view yourself as a pile of dog mess, then so will everyone else. You need to take control and really turn your life around, because you can meet someone, but that someone won't want to be around such a negative person. A person who has self esteem issues, a person who is clearly unconfident, angry and full of negative charges never attracts anyone, and that's with and without psoriasis. I've said it repeatedly, and it doesn't seem to get through; women won't even talk to me. LITERALLY. It's not that I talk to them, and then they get bored and wander off - the conversation never happens. So why do I blame women? Because they judge me based SOLELY on my appearance; my skin. No other factor involved. Please explain to me how I can find someone without ever even speaking to them? Women won't talk to you, because of the way you view yourself and the way you carry yourself. Women can spot a negative male from a mile away, you portray yourself in a negative light, because you are full of negatives. Women want confident men, who are comfortable with themselves, who have a great personality and sense of humour and who make them feel good. How can you possibly show off your main strengths when you do not seem happy and comfortable with who you are? Looks do matter to a woman and sure to some women you will be ugly, to some women you will be average, but to other women you will one of the men they find attractive. Your skin problem is only problem, because you make it a problem. Everyone has something they dislike about their body and themselves, but they don't focus on these "faults" and instead focus on their positives and make sure these positives shine through. But how can you ever possibly understand. Must be nice to live in your cotton-candy world. My life is hardly cotton candy, but it isn't a hard life, but I choose not to make life difficult for myself. I don't need to, I know I am not perfect, but I know I have qualities and you do too, you just need to learn how to show yours.
JP77 Posted July 8, 2008 Posted July 8, 2008 Develop friends with women How? How do I develop friendships with people who won't come anywhere near me? It's my life that's broken, and it's clearly not fixable. I may as well end it. Goodbye. I'm sorry to have wasted your valuable time - but at least you had somebody to pour scorn on. You develop friends, by showing the best qualities you have to offer. People who wallow around and feel sorry for themselves are not nice people to be around and really drag your mood down. If you work on yourself, become happier and make the changes to your life, i.e joining clubs and social gorups. You might surprise yourself. No, you are broken, not your life. You have the power to make the changes you need, but you'd rather play the victim then working hard to improve your situation. I'm sorry you are unable to listen to reasonable advice and I hope someday you make the changes you need and learn to become comfortable in your skin.
Author london_guy Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 You develop friends, by showing the best qualities you have to offer And how do I show those qualities to people who won't come near me? You have the power to make the changes you need I don't have the power to cure my psoriasis - and that's the change I need. Nobody does - no matter how many times you say it, it's not going to be true I'm sorry you are unable to listen to reasonable advice I'm able to listen to reasonable advice - but your "advice" is anything but reasonable. You're refusing to listen to what I say, and steamrollering on with your cotton-candy philosophy. and I hope someday you make the changes you need and learn to become comfortable in your skin. Ah, another crack about my skin. Like I don't get enough of those from all the rest of you
Author london_guy Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 It's not criticism, you posted on her for advice and I have given you advice, you have chosen to ignore the advice, a few people have given you. I presume you posted here for different perspectives? If so, you've gotten mine and I am sorry, if you do not like what I have said. I was trying to be helpful and suggest ways to improve yourself. I never intended to put you down. I did post here for advice - but when people asked me questions, and I answered them, I made the - obviously foolish - error of thinking they'd take in the answers that I'd given rather than paraphrasing them to suit their own philosophy. My friend has plaque psoriasis and she has never had a problem with men. It's simple arithmetic; there are more men than women, hence she has the numbers are on here side. It's FAR easier for a woman to find a date than it is a man. Anyone that says different is deluded. Her entire left side is covered from neck down and she is happy, in a relationship and doing well. Do you have a more severe form of psoriasis? I can't say how severe hers is, obviously. What I can say is mine quite literally covers my face and hands - I'd happily trade it for having my entire side covered from neck down, BECAUSE THEN I'D BE ABLE TO COVER IT. And people wouldn't see it. And then I could talk to them. And then maybe the "what's on the inside" might count for something. But I can't cover it - there's no way for me to hide it. Or perhaps you just refuse to accept that people treat people badly merely because their skin appears different to others? The people who are judging you based on your skin condition are not worth talking to, or knowing in the first place, so you aren't missing out. So what you're saying is that nobody's worth talking to? Then there really is no hope. And yes, I am missing out - because I'm alone. how you view yourself And how, precisely, is that? If it's in such desperate need of change and how other's view you. Only by blinding them. You are treated by others, the way in which you treated yourself. That's bull, and you know it. If you view yourself as a pile of dog mess, I don't A person who has self esteem issues You keep using that term - are you sure you know what it means? Particularly the self bit. But I'm banging my head against a brick wall trying to explain it to someone who simply refuses to listen to what I write. a person who is clearly unconfident I'm confident it the "what's inside" - although there's no point in my saying that, since you've chosen to assume that I have "low self esteem". If CNN tells you there's a war on, does that mean they started the war, or are they just reporting the facts? I tell you I have psoriasis and the people point and stare and (like you) make rude cracks about my skin. Did I cause the disease, or am I just reporting the facts? But of course, because I answered your questions, I have "low self esteem". Women won't talk to you, because of the way you view yourself and the way you carry yourself. Women can spot a negative male from a mile away In other words, it's ENTIRELY about physical appearance. So I'm screwed. My life is hardly cotton candy, but it isn't a hard life, but I choose not to make life difficult for myself. I don't need to, I know I am not perfect, but I know I have qualities and you do too, you just need to learn how to show yours. I'm half tempted to say that I hope you end up being this disfigured someday, so that you remember how you've treated me. But I wouldn't wish that on anyone. Doesn't matter anyway, now. I'll be dead before dawn
Lookingforward Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 clearly, whatever it may be, it's nothing that anybody wants okay - well for a start that made me laugh out loud (sorry) so it seems you have a sense of humour even if it is self deprecating
Lookingforward Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 At this point, a pulse would be nice. this made me laugh too - I think humour seems to be the way to go..... (then again, I may just be warped, ya never know)
Lookingforward Posted July 9, 2008 Posted July 9, 2008 lg, if you're still about lurking - sorry, didn't realise you had psoriasis until I read the rest of your posts. I didn't mean to come off flippant. There must be some form of treatment that helps to alleviate at least some of the symptoms......... you haven't given us a lot to go on re advice as you weren't forthcoming with the type of rash you have, just that it covers your face and hands. Medically obviously you already have advice and that's not what you're looking for here understandably, but it is intrinsic to your problem R wise.
Independence_Day Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 I'm wondering, London_Guy, when you first were diagnosed with psoriasis. Oh, and I was reading a book once that said that coconut oil helps psoriasis.
Yamaha Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 If there is nothing the doctor can do to help your condition then I think you need to see a counselor or a psychiatrist to help you with the emotional scars of this disease.
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