Author replicator Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Well, she won't have the 'loser' boyfriend problem anymore.. I'm sure she'll be able to snag a rich doctor/lawyer/banker and she will have achieved her parents dream for her. I hope it does make her happy, and will be happier than when she was with me. Shallow and materialistic.... That is what I need to focus on...
iwish Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Well, she won't have the 'loser' boyfriend problem anymore.. I'm sure she'll be able to snag a rich doctor/lawyer/banker and she will have achieved her parents dream for her. I hope it does make her happy, and will be happier than when she was with me. Shallow and materialistic.... That is what I need to focus on... Dude, you're no loser! Don't forget that. Did she ever reply to your email? Hope you're doing ok.
Author replicator Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Iwish, she didn't reply. I'm doing ok. It is a nice day - I'm going to go to Starbucks, buy myself a nice coffee and just take care of myself. Thanks to you all for helping me see things more clearly. I'm not going to let this bring me down.. I'm going to become a better and stronger person.
kizik Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Well, she won't have the 'loser' boyfriend problem anymore.. I'm sure she'll be able to snag a rich doctor/lawyer/banker and she will have achieved her parents dream for her. I hope it does make her happy, and will be happier than when she was with me. Shallow and materialistic.... That is what I need to focus on... In no way was I saying you're a loser, rep. I was being sarcastic. I think my ex will wind up with a doctor or lawyer too. Has to do with what stlsmile said about narcissists having to find someone "better" than them. The thing is, no one will ever care for her as much as I did, and she'll find out someday the difference between the new guy and me.
justaman99 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Once I said, "Man, I'm tired, I got up at 7" and she said "Yeah well I got up at 5." She always had "suggestions" for things I should be doing, criticisms for things I said. For your ex and mine, everything we did was always commonplace and could be improved by "just a few helpful suggestions" from them. Mine too. ugh....The things we do.
foolednm Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 This is how I know your dealing with narcissim, what you said here, expecially the "meticulous, held everything together, pushed me to aim higher"...these are all examples of narcissim. When someone is pushing you to aim higher, well then obvioulsy they feel your aims are not high enough. Given a non narcissistic situation, it is not wrong to support someone you care about in aiming a bit higher, but when wrapped up in narcissm, it is a means to an end, a means to devalue you. I hear it once said if you want to be with a narcissist you better be "better than them", this is true. Because a narcissist could never be with someone they deem not as good as they are...and no one is as good as they are. Narcissist are meticulous, they forget NOTHING. They always make sure the perfect card is sent, or the perfect gift, but they don't send those cards and gifts out of love, they send them so they are socially perfect and viewed that way. They never make mistakes, not when it counts. I am just hearing narcissism in what you say and I really want you to look at this a lot and see if it is so for yourself. Dude, you hit the nail right on the the head!!! I was with a Narcissist for over 9 years and NOTHING I ever did was good enough. She always did "the right" things, like making sure to send out thank you cards for gifts, or thank your cards for when she was in the hospital for some surgery, she HAD to send out thank you cards to every one that went to visit her there or at home. She started to tell me what clothes I should wear, how to wear my hail, how to decorate my house, etc. I loved it at first, I thought she was helping me to become more "classy" and refined. But it was all about HER and how SHE wanted to be seen by others, that SHE had someone that dressed well, had a nice home, had the great cars, etc. During the past two years after we broke up, she would allow me in her life when it was something SHE needed, not because I wanted her to be with me, it was for HER. She wanted to look good for her family for Thanksgiving, then she pushes me away, then she needs me to help with her computer, or something at her house, then I get suckered into doing it, then after it's done, she pushes me away for weeks with no contact. There was another guy she started to see, and I was not anywhere near her during that time, but then when they had a falling out, she called me, and stupid me, there I went back, like a puppy licking it's mama. She toyed with me and played with my emotions and really messed me up. I am now married for a year and a half and she STILL affects me and my current relationship. I am still affected by how she belittled me and made me beg her, to ALLOW me to TRY to make her happy. It was NEVER enough. Now she is sleeping with another guy and is at his place every weekend, and the sad thing is that I am STILL angry that she is happy and sleeping with someone else, that HE gets to have her and enjoy her and feel her. FIrst of all, HE doesn't deserve her, but secondly, SHE doesn't deserve to be happy. She still messes with my head and she's over there screwing yet another guy happy as can be. I am tired of her and I can't get her out of my mind. I hate what she has done to me and how she is still affecting me and my current relationship. I hate her, but yet I still want her. I was so attracted to her and so in love with her. Do you know how that happens? When they are reeling you in with their kindness, love and gentleness and you are hooked, then the Narcissist part kicks in and they starte to withhold all the nice things and the love that you felt, then you start to follow her like a little puppy, begging to have her give you back that love and be nice to you again like she was earlier. But no, she changes her personality and starts to yell at you and belittle you and demean you and make you feel worthless. Then you beg more, and more because you want that other part back. But she won't give it back to you anymore. Once in a while she will "allow" you to feel loved and have sex and feel like all is well again, but then, she takes it away. And there is your life for the next 5 or 10 years or however long it sucks you in for. Run, run away from her as fast as you can and don't look back. My friends (and several women friends) told me that years ago, over and over again, RUN away from her. She is evil and will hurt you. Well....take it from me, it is true. If she starts to display the traits of a narcissist, run away, save yourself. They are not worth it. Believe me. It will take you 10 times longer to get over them, than the amount of time you were with them.....get it?? Don't take that from anyone. YOU are better than that and you do deserve to be loved, honestly and truly, not all fake and pretending. They try to live in their perfect bubble, but it doesn't exist. And they will NEVER see that.
Author replicator Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 In no way was I saying you're a loser, rep. I was being sarcastic. I think my ex will wind up with a doctor or lawyer too. Has to do with what stlsmile said about narcissists having to find someone "better" than them. The thing is, no one will ever care for her as much as I did, and she'll find out someday the difference between the new guy and me. Hi Kizik, no worries! I totally understood how you meant it I was being sarcastic myself too. Yes, they may get what they want - but it doesn't matter to us. Whatever reasons they have, they didn't love us for who were were. They wanted to change us for their own selfish reasons. Regardless of what they wanted, or all their good qualities, they didn't appreciate us. I don't need to vilify her, I think that is enough to tell me that I don't need her in my life.
kizik Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 She always did "the right" things, like making sure to send out thank you cards for gifts, or thank your cards for when she was in the hospital for some surgery, she HAD to send out thank you cards to every one that went to visit her there or at home. My ex was a thank you card fanatic. Not b/c she wanted to send them, of course... like fooled said, b/c it was "right." When they are reeling you in with their kindness, love and gentleness and you are hooked, then the Narcissist part kicks in and they starte to withhold all the nice things and the love that you felt, then you start to follow her like a little puppy, begging to have her give you back that love and be nice to you again like she was earlier. But no, she changes her personality and starts to yell at you and belittle you and demean you and make you feel worthless. Then you beg more, and more because you want that other part back. But she won't give it back to you anymore. Once in a while she will "allow" you to feel loved and have sex and feel like all is well again, but then, she takes it away. Thanks for describing my ex girlfriend. Thank you, thank you, thank you. [i know I write that on people's posts a lot!]
Author replicator Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 I am tired of her and I can't get her out of my mind. I hate what she has done to me and how she is still affecting me and my current relationship. I hate her, but yet I still want her. I was so attracted to her and so in love with her. Do you know how that happens? When they are reeling you in with their kindness, love and gentleness and you are hooked, then the Narcissist part kicks in and they starte to withhold all the nice things and the love that you felt, then you start to follow her like a little puppy, begging to have her give you back that love and be nice to you again like she was earlier. But no, she changes her personality and starts to yell at you and belittle you and demean you and make you feel worthless. Then you beg more, and more because you want that other part back. But she won't give it back to you anymore. Once in a while she will "allow" you to feel loved and have sex and feel like all is well again, but then, she takes it away. I can definitely relate. I just wanted her to be nice and loving, as she was before. It was like she held back, and just gave me little morsels, but it just made me want her more. I then started to become needy, when I really wasn't a needy person to begin with. Put her on a pedestal, and the rest of the story is history. Interesting how all our stories are so alike.
kizik Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 All of us this is helping me. It is strengthening my resolve even further, to never call her, to see the R for what it really was. To understand all the f*cking sh*t I took from this person, what a goddamn wuss I was. I'm not going to "diagnose" my ex as an NPD. But she certainly has narcissistic traits. Rep, our stories are so alike b/c these situations happen. We put ourselves in these situations. We fear being alone and so we tolerate terrible treatment. But I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than remain that guy I was as recently as 2 months ago. I'm strong. Very strong. Getting stronger by the day. And these threads and posts and perspectives are helping me in this way: I am not alone. I'm not the only guy who dealt with a girlfriend who projected her image to the world as perfect. The important part is to learn. I just made a thread about how I know she will NOT learn. That's very sad, but ultimately it's not my business and I should be ecstatic that this wh*re is out of my life.
Author replicator Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 All of us this is helping me. It is strengthening my resolve even further, to never call her, to see the R for what it really was. To understand all the f*cking sh*t I took from this person, what a goddamn wuss I was. I'm not going to "diagnose" my ex as an NPD. But she certainly has narcissistic traits. Rep, our stories are so alike b/c these situations happen. We put ourselves in these situations. We fear being alone and so we tolerate terrible treatment. But I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than become that guy I was as little as 2 months ago. I'm strong. Very strong. Getting stronger by the day. And these threads and posts and perspectives are helping me in this way: I am not alone. I'm not the only guy who dealt with a girlfriend who projected her image to the world as perfect. Kizik, your posts have been some of the most helpful for me, so I got to give you thanks for that. You are very strong, and I wish I had that sort of resolve from the get go. I won't diagnose my ex as NPD either, but I'm really beginning to she definitely wasn't perfect. We only give what we want in return, and if the other person can't reciprocate, then we shouldn't be angry. It's too easy to blame ourselves, but it isn't always our problem.
kizik Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 She definitely wasn't perfect.. That's a start. Each day you will start to see just how imperfect she was. We only give what we want in return, and if the other person can't reciprocate, then we shouldn't be angry. It's too easy to blame ourselves, but it isn't always our problem. We should be angry. Not b/c they don't feel the same way: b/c they were such a PUSS that they didn't respect us enough to say, "Look, I'm unhappy. I want out." No, instead they strung us along and treated us like sh*t, kept us as a convenient toy. Yes, be angry. Be f*cking angry but don't let it affect other Rs with better people.
Author replicator Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 We should be angry. Not b/c they don't feel the same way: b/c they were such a PUSS that they didn't respect us enough to say, "Look, I'm unhappy. I want out." No, instead they strung us along and treated us like sh*t, kept us as a convenient toy. Yes, be angry. Be f*cking angry but don't let it affect other Rs with better people. Damn, I think you're right. I've been Mr. Nice Guy, thinking of her feelings when I'm the one who got screwed!!!
kizik Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Oh rep, we've got a long way to go with you. But I'm so glad you're starting to see the light. Please PM me anytime. I would love to help you. I have few answers, but I feel like I'm certainly more attuned to the reality of what happened in my R than you are right now.
Author replicator Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 I feel silly for telling her that I still love her, and that I forgive her.. Even if I do, I didn't need to make her feel better. I almost want to write her back to say that I regret sending the last email, and to never even think of contacting me ever again. What do you guys think? I just feel so upset that I've been comforting her when she hurt me so badly. That's love I suppose - but it is stupid.
stlnsmile Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I got up this morning, and thought yes, I am very sick at the moment. How do you get over someone when you can't rationalize why it had to end, and why I'm better off? I'm continually thinking it shouldn't have ended, and I'm worse off. You guys are making me see things differently, even ever so slightly, it makes a difference. Ever since we broke up, I've been obsessed about improving myself, so I could be someone 'worthy'. I felt like I didn't make the grade somehow, and that is why I lost her. I really never thought of her as a narcissist, i just saw her as stubborn, extremely driven, and ambitious. But yes, the way she was rubbed off on me too. I'm feeling like I constantly need to somehow step up the game. I always thought she had motivated me, but to what end I don't know.. She always wanted to be better than everyone else, and I guess I'm unconsciously following in her footsteps. I will try to clarify these things the best way that I can. Lets consider a healthy relationship, where someone values you as a person, they easily can suggest options to you, such as grad school, hey, did you think about this, but they do not NEED you to goto grad school so they look better and because well you so obviously are not good enough (sarcastic). Non narcissistic people can encourage you to follow dreams, or shoot for the stars, but you are not less worthy if you do not reach every dream or every star. Narcissistic personality types are concerned with every aspect of society, they are societies bench marks if you will. If they say it is proper to do something, it is, and the reason is, they keep the pulse on all that is right and good and perfect in the world, the reason is...so they don't mess up. Messing up for them means they are less than, and they can not be that. Their need for perfection actually comes from a deep seeded hate of themselves, their own feelings of inadiquacy. They must prove they are superior to all. And they do! The fact that we, the survivors of narcissism feel like we always need to step up our game, is because they made us feel like a sub species when we were with them, we knew we were not good enough, and they made sure we knew we were not as good as they were. In those very subtle narcissistic ways. Have you ever had a compliment from a narcissist, it probably was a veiled insult. We lived with this stuff everyday....and so, our self esteems are shattered. And the only way to build them back is to be meticulous in our recovery. For example making sure we go out with on a regular basis, non narcissist friends, family. Making sure the only people we associate with are not narcissistic in any way, the reason for this is so we can get new bench marks of normalcy, we need to remember what normal is. And the only way to do that is to be around normal. We need to give ourselves time to heal. A lot of time, it is a slow process. We need to keep talking about it, and the effects it had on us, either here, or in counseling, or with family and friends. The hardest part for me still is the wondering if I am normal or he was. These questions pleague me every day....the narcissist ate into my brain, and its going to take a long long time to get it out. Narcissist have all the outward apperances of NORMAL which is what makes it so hard to even believe after you've been hurt by one, that they infact were the sick person, they never seemed "sick". In fact, they seemed the oposit, PERFECT. Keep posting, its helping me too.
stlnsmile Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 I feel silly for telling her that I still love her, and that I forgive her.. Even if I do, I didn't need to make her feel better. I almost want to write her back to say that I regret sending the last email, and to never even think of contacting me ever again. What do you guys think? I just feel so upset that I've been comforting her when she hurt me so badly. That's love I suppose - but it is stupid. Rep, I think for now, you need to just focus on feeling better. You have been taken for quite a spin, and need time to just stop spinning and get your barings. Once the anger is gone, and you have had some time to heal, then you can make decisons about contacting her or not contacting her. Right now, you need to take some time to figure out what you think and feel. I am six months out, and seriously on the abuse side of this, definately still struggling with things. It has never I feel really been about the loss of him, but about that damage that I can't fix. At first it was the void of loosing the perfection, but then it became a huge pile of mental cr** to clean up. Thats what is taking so long. I could care less if his physical body ever is in my presence again. I do not want him, but the damage left in his wake to my mind and esteem......you will even see me still talking about him as perfect, because that is the way that I viewed him up until the second he ran out and well afterwards. So trust me, I am not much father along than you guys. Just because I've read it, doesn't mean that Im better. Im carrying around all these sudo narcissistic traits now because of it....like "oh I better do this and that and the other thing, because Im no body if Im not doing something" I mean of course everyone has to do something...but you get my point I think. I never worried like that before about who I was, things just came naturaly for me.....now I feel like I have to, I have to have my A game on all the time. Very narcissistic...and thats what happens. Thats what needs fixing, and to someone who has not gone through it.....they will not in any way understand. Its a battle for me everyday to do things NORMALY, not narcissistically now...and I have to tell myself, no, go ahead and leave your dish in the sink for a few minutes, its okay....duuhhhhhh! You don't have to be perfect!!!!!!!
kizik Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Interesting... though I have spent years with someone I now feel correct calling narcissistic, unlike you smile, I do not feel compelled nor responsible to be perfect. In one way or another, I was able to shake off her projection of the necessity to be perfect almost immediately. Even during the R I was aware that she was acting in an unrealistic, almost delusional manner. Once it ended, I guess I felt I could finally be myself w/o having to be judged and insulted for it. So personally I beg to differ that it takes one a looong time to recover from having spent years with a narcissist, or that their traits naturally rub off on you. But that's just cuz my experience was different. I guess in some way I always knew she was crazy. I just didn't have the balls or the heart to detach myself from the situation. Now that it's over, the overwhelming emotion is anger. Anger, and feeling like I've been an emotional punching bag since she entered grad school. She used to be happier. Never happy, but happier. So, I don't feel damaged in the way you do, and Rep doesn't have to be damaged either. Though I still think he has a small journey until he realizes exactly how brutally condescending, rude, and undermining this woman was.
pickingupthepieces Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 . I'm doing ok. It is a nice day - I'm going to go to Starbucks, buy myself a nice coffee and just take care of myself. Starbucks always makes me feel better! Good job for not beating yourself up over the breaking of NC.. I WAS really bad for that.. but it happens.. and we get stronger all the time. Your posts have sure made me open my eyes and have me thinking maybe I need to do some revaluating of myself:D. I also have thought of contacting him to leave a message to disregard the first message and to just leave me alone! I wonder how that would work? ... Don't ever feel bad for how you feel... at least you know what you had was real.
Author replicator Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 She wrote me back.. and she only said nice things about me, and how she will cherish our memories. I had to go to the washroom at work to f*cking cry. Christ, how did this happen to me.
kizik Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I know exactly how you feel. The only response that would have helped you (what you really wanted to hear) would have been, "Rep, I miss you, can we get back together?" You're never going to get that response. I know it's tough. Now that you've gotten this email, you know you won't be contacting her again.
Author replicator Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 You're right Kizik, I just don't know why is it so hard for me to accept that it's over. I keep thinking about the past, even though I know it just causes me more pain. If there is such a thing as true love, we had it. How it slipped away, I'm not sure. Back to NC. Time to get my life back together. I've been stuck now for months, just going through the motions of daily life, but not really here... Need to get out of this rut.
kizik Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Her response is going to be a huge turning point for you. Trust me. Nothing kicks us in the as* like hearing from that person, but NOT getting the reconciliation part we fantasized about for so long. Think of her response as a good thing, I promise you it will truly help you begin to accept the finality of the situation. Be positive and realistic. Each day from here on out will be more real. The big picture will become clearer, I swear it.
kizik Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 If there is such a thing as true love, we had it. How it slipped away, I'm not sure. Stop these thoughts as soon as they emerge, too. It's backwards thinking, and it don't matter anymore. Everyone has loved and lost. We are not unique.
Author replicator Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Now that I look back, I'm glad that I sent the letter. It let her know that I'm not bitter, and that I stayed true to her. I'm glad to know that she is ok, and that she still thinks of me. I'm happy that she will cherish our memories. I went through too much with her, and we traveled the world together. There is no way either of us will forget the impact we had on each other's lives. She wasn't perfect, but neither was I. I'll always love her, and I'm sure she feels the same way. Thanks everyone for seeing me through this rollercoaster. There are no guarantees in life, and sometimes we have to accept the things we don't understand. We should feel lucky to have loved, and look forward to finding it again.
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