Quinch Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I've mentioned this friend before but now I'm worried about her again. She broke up with loser boyfriend about six months ago and is now very friendly with ex-husband again. This is same ex-h who previously lied to her, beat her and attempted to steal from her and sabotage her career. At one point she even took out an injunction to keep him away from her. My guess is that she's feeling lonely and desperate so has gone back the the devil she knows. A real case of Smart Woman - Dumb Choice (I suspect that, deep down, she already knows this). I've told her I'm concerned and she accepts that I have best intentions and denies any plans to take this further but then every time I talk to her they've been out on another 'date'. I wish she would dump this twat and get herself a new boyfriend who can treat her right but don't know what I can say to her without alienating her or sounding like I'm trying to interfere. Should I just keep out of it and let her make yet another tragic mistake?
quankanne Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 it's painful to see someone for whom you care so deeply just shut herself off to redflags about the guy she's with. Unfortunately, the only thing you can do is hope and pray that she's got a safety plan in place for the day she needs to escape this demon. but until she admits to herself that she's being abused, you're just going to have to wait patiently ...
AnLandy Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I totally feel your pain on this issue. I used to work in the domestic violence unit of a probation department, I've done some volunteer work with DV victims, and I have assisted a friend through something similar. Right now, your friend is in a place where "help" may be construed as "criticism". Abusers strip away their victim's sense of identity and power in order to get control in the relationship. By questionning her judgement and telling her that she is making a mistake, your friend may be feeling that you are doing the same thing, diminishing her. She may even take it as reinforcement that she probably isn't capable of making her own, good decisions. When my friend was in an abusive relationship, I constantly felt scared, frustrated, powerless, and angry. It really annoyed me that she could dismiss my concerns so blindly. Eventually, I came to learn that my own hostility and frustration were coming accross loud and clear when I voiced my "concerns". With the support of a really good vicitm's assistance coordinator at the local police department, I learned how to approach her in a way that was more productive. First, I had to accept that I could not control her behavior or make her follow my advice. Second, I was very careful to approach her using "I" statements. ("I am concerned for your safety. I am scared that you may be harmed.") Third, I was told to be very careful when describing the abuser's behavior. Instead of, "He's abusive, manipulative, and angry," stick to facts. "You took out an order of protection against him." "He hurt you so badly that you were in the hospital for two days." "He broke your mother's china when he was angry at you." "He took your dog to the shelter without your consent, while you were at work." Just keep cateloguing the abuser's past acts, use "I" statements, and be very careful to avoid judgemental language. Reassure her that you will support her regardless of her choices and you will be there for her, even if that means visiting her in the hospital the next time he hurts her. Don't tell her what to do. Just be supportive and try not to step into a place where you're trying to control her behavior "for her own good." Her abuser has been manipulating her to think that she deserves to be treated horribly and that she cannot function without him. Also, don't make physical contact with her unless she initiates it. Don't attempt to hug her, touch a bruise or mark on her body, etc... Being touched without her consent is something that she has dealt with in the past. Contact a local women's shelter for assistance. Collect some business cards, brochures, etc.. and present them to your friend. Program the shelter's number into your cell, just in case you might have to call for her. Also, be sensible about protecting yourself. If her ex knows who you are and that you are friends with this woman, he may contact you in an effort to find her if she should decide to leave. If your friend needs a safe place to go, you may be tempted to offer your home. This is not always a good idea. Use your own judgement on this.
Author Quinch Posted July 25, 2008 Author Posted July 25, 2008 It's now a few weeks later and things have got worse. Until this week she thought that she and ex-h were 'just good friends' but they've been spending so much time together that she realised they were in a relationship, in all but name, all along. She says they're just like 'an old married couple.' He's been helping her with her business, which is okay by me, but today she admitted that he's moved back in with her. I have again expressed concern and pleaded with her to be very careful and she appreciates my worries. We're going to try to meet for coffee soon but she's so busy with work now that it may not be possible for another week or more at the earliest. My only relief right now is that her parents and all her other friends are equally concerned. She, however, seems content that he really has changed and everything is much better now. I hope she's completely right because, if she's even a little bit wrong, then it's going to end in tears again. I'm really beginning to wonder if this might be some kind of psychological thing like Stockholm Syndrome. She seems to have a knack for getting involved in bad relationships.
Ronni_W Posted July 25, 2008 Posted July 25, 2008 (((hugs))) It is difficult to remain a detached observer, but that is what is called for in such situations. Not to get too "woo woo", but she is following her own Path that is intended to lead to her own Lessons and progression. There is nothing, in any case, that we can do to "protect" another individual from that. It is also about protecting your own "self" from the pain that you see as inevitable for her. Again, best I can suggest is to observe it without bringing its negative impact into your own emotional body.
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