alwaysonyourside Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Hello Serliana, I have read your initial post together with the vast array of responses you have received. I don`t wish to drag this out but I do feel that there are some things I must say. Firstly, let’s put into perspective the reason why most people are on this forum. Apart from the 1% of genuine Samaritans that are posting on here the rest of the love shack community have been affected (in most cases directly) by infidelity of some description. This therefore means that they are in no way providing an unbiased view of your situation, merely relating to their own personal experience, which, by virtue of the fact that they are on this site, almost certainly ended in tears and heart-break. For clarifications sake what I am suggesting quite confidently is that if the married man you have fallen madly in love with had left his wife and started a new life with you, you would never have visited this forum. What people in your position may take heart from is a forum of people who are in a stale relationships and have found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with and have consequently left their current partner and spent many happy years together with that new person. Perhaps I should start one. I am afraid to say that there are genuine people out there whose relationships go past its sell-by date and instead of them working at their marriage and addressing the issues they leave it and leave it and then reach the point where they have passed the elastic limit and reconciliation then becomes an impossibility. This is undoubtedly the fault of both parties and inevitably leaves them both with nothing more than an existence together. Something akin to ships passing in the night. There are various reasons why they dont leave eachother at that point examples being that of having children or general upheaval. Let`s be honest - separation is not an easy thing for most people as they become complacent with an existence rather than seeking a better life for themselves which almost certainly would assist their partner in seeking a more fulfilling life too. "Breaking up is never easy" as the cliche goes but if you truly believe the person loves you and harbours a genuine intent to be with you then you sound so in love that perhaps you need positive advice. Whilst this does not excuse infidelity it certainly makes it more understandable if not somewhat justifiable. I could go on but my point is that EVERYONES situation in this arena has an obvious synergy but there are so many variations (from people who just want some exciting sex to those who genuinely fall in love) that it is impossible for anyone to fully understand another persons situation. Moreover EVERYONES mind works differently in these situations and hence taking the advice from someone who may not have the same mindset as you is definatly not the best course of action for you. I think that if there is enough love between two people then those two people will end up together regardless of the pain and suffering that occurs on their path to becoming a couple. Sometimes it takes a bad experience for someone to appreciate a good one. My advice to you is go with both your head and your heart and make your own decisions without worrying about what anyone else thinks about you. At the end of it all it is your life that is in question not anyone elses. I know there will be people who slate me for this post but before you do I ask of you only one thing. Please digest what I have written and answer with your level head and not your “hurt” one. Thank you and good luck.
nadiaj2727 Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I think that it has nothing to do with one person owning another person and everything to do with one person CHOOSING to make a monogamous commitment to another person. IMO learned the hard way, commitment=no room for a third party. They have to dissolve the commitment first. It's all about personal responsibility and if they haven't finalized the end of a relationship, I am not going to step in, not because someone else "owns" them but because they are still committed legally to someone else, which is a decision they themselves made. They can man up and get divorced. Or they can stay married. But dating and married is still cake-eating to me. OP I'm sorry you learned this the hard way too and thank you for sharing your experience here so hopefully others can learn from it too. Good luck to you in your journey.
Confused4Now Posted July 4, 2008 Posted July 4, 2008 Hello Serliana, I have read your initial post together with the vast array of responses you have received. I don`t wish to drag this out but I do feel that there are some things I must say. Firstly, let’s put into perspective the reason why most people are on this forum. Apart from the 1% of genuine Samaritans that are posting on here the rest of the love shack community have been affected (in most cases directly) by infidelity of some description. This therefore means that they are in no way providing an unbiased view of your situation, merely relating to their own personal experience, which, by virtue of the fact that they are on this site, almost certainly ended in tears and heart-break. For clarifications sake what I am suggesting quite confidently is that if the married man you have fallen madly in love with had left his wife and started a new life with you, you would never have visited this forum. What people in your position may take heart from is a forum of people who are in a stale relationships and have found someone they want to spend the rest of their lives with and have consequently left their current partner and spent many happy years together with that new person. Perhaps I should start one. I am afraid to say that there are genuine people out there whose relationships go past its sell-by date and instead of them working at their marriage and addressing the issues they leave it and leave it and then reach the point where they have passed the elastic limit and reconciliation then becomes an impossibility. This is undoubtedly the fault of both parties and inevitably leaves them both with nothing more than an existence together. Something akin to ships passing in the night. There are various reasons why they dont leave eachother at that point examples being that of having children or general upheaval. Let`s be honest - separation is not an easy thing for most people as they become complacent with an existence rather than seeking a better life for themselves which almost certainly would assist their partner in seeking a more fulfilling life too. "Breaking up is never easy" as the cliche goes but if you truly believe the person loves you and harbours a genuine intent to be with you then you sound so in love that perhaps you need positive advice. Whilst this does not excuse infidelity it certainly makes it more understandable if not somewhat justifiable. I could go on but my point is that EVERYONES situation in this arena has an obvious synergy but there are so many variations (from people who just want some exciting sex to those who genuinely fall in love) that it is impossible for anyone to fully understand another persons situation. Moreover EVERYONES mind works differently in these situations and hence taking the advice from someone who may not have the same mindset as you is definatly not the best course of action for you. I think that if there is enough love between two people then those two people will end up together regardless of the pain and suffering that occurs on their path to becoming a couple. Sometimes it takes a bad experience for someone to appreciate a good one. My advice to you is go with both your head and your heart and make your own decisions without worrying about what anyone else thinks about you. At the end of it all it is your life that is in question not anyone elses. I know there will be people who slate me for this post but before you do I ask of you only one thing. Please digest what I have written and answer with your level head and not your “hurt” one. Thank you and good luck. Very well said and I agree with everything you've said.
Author serliana7 Posted July 4, 2008 Author Posted July 4, 2008 Thanks so much everyone, The upshot is I go away today and he has promised me that when I get back next week he will call me on wednesday and let me know if he's left her or not. He has agreed that if he has (once again) failed to tell her he's leaving, he will leave me alone and stop contacting me altogether as he says he now realizes he's wrecking my life - That, is progress within itself. I know deep down we're over and I can't beleive he has bought another week from me, definitely no more now. Right I am off to the airport now to start the fun, leaving my phone behind too so there can me no MM interruptions! Thanks again everyone, you've been amazing xx
Owl Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 Why does it take until Wed to make this happen, when he's had all of the time UP TIL NOW to make it happen? Bottom line...he's stalling for more time, trying to find another way to "tide you over" without having to tell her and leave. How long will you continue to accept these deadline extensions?
Author serliana7 Posted October 2, 2008 Author Posted October 2, 2008 Can't beleive i'm back here again, I genuinely thought that after 2/3 months no contact, i'd have moved on. I ended things not long after my last post, I did it by emailing his friend and asked him to persude MM that it was over and to set me free. It worked and I heard nothing again. To be honest i've been OK, untill yesterday - My new boss required me to attend a meeting with him about 5 mins form where MM lives (about 1hr 20 min from where I live) So I got there on time, whereas my boss called to say he was running an hour late. The temptation got the better of me, I was just dying to see where he lives, I remembered his address from his passport so typed it into the sat nav, feeling sick - and went to his house, I had no intention of knocking on the door, I suppose the best I could hope for was him to walk out to excercise the dog or something. I really dont know why I did it, I dont want to talk to him, or hear his lies (looking back they were laughable). I actually think I wanted to scare him. I sat in my car for about 20 mins, drove away briefly then went back - what a psycho I can only assume that I am going through the 3 tier process of a break up, Sadness, Anger then Acceptance - I think I have become angry. How and why did I do this?
StaggerLee Posted October 2, 2008 Posted October 2, 2008 Hi Serliana, don't worry I don't think it's psycho at all Sounds like there was never any real closure, it would have been easier for you if he'd said that he didn't love you or care for you, but that's not how it ended. And so obviously there are still feelings/questions there although maybe they've been suppressed for a while. And I think curiosity played a big part in going to look at his house; just human nature, nothing wrong with that! Plus, actually, 2/3 months isn't a very long time in the scheme of things, so it's not surprising that there's still feelings there. Well done by the way for keeping up the no contact thing for so long, I think you've done really well, I know how hard it is and I've only been doing it about a week or so... Don't worry I'm sure this is just a blip, and I actually think that it may even help you to move on because you are now mentally processing some left over emotional baggage, for want of a better phrase. Well done and good luck for the future, looks like your on the right path!
Author serliana7 Posted October 3, 2008 Author Posted October 3, 2008 Thanks Staggerlee, I feel a bit better now, I have re-read a lot of his emails from over the past year which were full of silly lies and promises that were never realised. I now feel a touch more resolute to stay NC Luckily I dont have much call to be in his area it was just a one off meeting, though I must admit I woke up this morning with an increased desire to call him. I just want to know he's unhappy still in his marriage, which is disgusting of me i know. I Have read your story too and I really feel she's not going to leave him or she would have done it straight after the hotel incident, a line was crossed and that would have made her have a serious think. They're not married, no kids so the only reason (supposedly) she's not leaving him is that he'd be gutted - Sorry but heartbreak happens to everyone, allover the world - just throw yourself into something laddish, 5 a side football, golf whatever, just a distraction that will make it easier to stay NC Thanks again for your comments
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