serliana7 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I don't really know where to start, I have never posted on the internet in my life but the fact is I won't get any sympathy or understanding from family or friends, just 'I told you so'. OK I'll start at the beginning, I was 21 years old and I have got my first 'proper job' I was working at a very image conscious company, everyone had nice cars, nice clothes and a too cool for school attitude, predominantely male environment and as a confident, flirtacious 21 year old I attracted a lot of attention. I was so ambitious and wanted to earn big money in sales though in a 70 strong workforce there had never been a female sales exec. I befriended one of the Managers and he 'saw something special' in me and 'reminded him of himself'. From doing a bit of basic homework It came to light he was 30, married, Jewish and expecting twins, though I had a crush on him and he had flirted a little with me nothing happened. Months went by, I never got into sales and I left the business to go and work abroad. I often thought of him and having hung on to his every word at the time I remembered how he handled business situations and adopted them in my own business life and I ended up being quite successful in Sales (overseas). Anyway in 2007, returned from working overseas and joined 'facebook' I looked him up and mailed him a polite email enquiring how he was and how his life had panned out 6 years on. Almost instantly an email bounced back with his number asking me to call him. I could have died from excitement. I called him (shaking like a leaf) and it was music to my ears when he told me he had moved out of the marital home as he was having problems. He pestered me to go and visit him in his rented flat as he was due to move back at the end of that week as it had only been a 1 month separation to get him out of his wifes hair. I said no as I was uncomfortable with the idea and agreed to meet him at a motorway service station between our homes (live about 40 miles apart). Predictably, we hit it off straight away he was very complimentary about how I had 'blossomed' and made a success of myself, he on the otherhand looked like a broken man, overweight, horrible car, skin tags on his chin, mullet, but still that undeniable charm, wit and sharpness I had admired so much as a 21/22 year old. We met like this many times over the next 6 months, no intimacy just talking, in between seeing each other we texted, and spoke on the phone. Little or no contact on weekends and jewish holidays, but he'd got me hooked mentally and emotionally. In january this year it became physical, he'd tell his wife he was away on business and would stay at my house, it was nice, we'd just get a pizza and a bottle of wine and talk, oh and lots of sex. I did and still do feel bad for his wife and twins, but he assured me he'd only had sex with her once last summer and not at all since january, I still beleive him - maybe thats somewhere else I have f*cked up here. He told me in February he loves me and would leave her, the deadlines were always the end of the month, end of march, end of april, end of may - you get the picture. And here I am, just turned 29, single, waking up alone every day and been taken for a complete fool. I told my parents the situation and got them to pity him for his terrible situation, religious community he lives in who frown on failed marriages, gorgeous twins he adores, dependant wife who can barely fill in a form let alone cope as a single parent, debts..... the list goes on. I also managed to convince my friends it was 'meant to be' and was worth the wait as he's 'the one'. The bare fact is he hasn't left her and keeps saying he needs more time. I just cant bear the thought of another man - I cant picture a future if its not with him, I was prepared to convert to his religion so as to be accepted in the future, I was happy to eventually have his children in my life, I would even have financially supported him till he got back on his feet. But really I know in my heart none of that will happen, I also know in my heart I could have probably met a decent guy in the past year with none of this drama. So my message is, if you are thinking about doing it - please, please walk away, I thought I was going to be the exception to the rule - i'm now heartbroken to find i'm not. Sorry to ramble - i'd love your comments or any suggestions on how the hell i get over this
2sunny Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 didn't you post this before under a different username perhaps? this story sounds really familiar - word for word...
Author serliana7 Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 yes he has been texting sayin he's working on things and to leave it to him, just basically stringing me along. He has definitely eased up on the contact over the past week, though admittidly i have been pressuring him more than ever to move out. no i have never posted before though if there is someone who has an identical situation i'd love to see the thread and how things panned out for her (though i can take an educated guess)
Owl Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 OK...you posted wanting to know "how the hell i get over this". Its simple...its not easy, but its simple. He's not leaving his wife...you've already come to that conclusion on your own. Break any and all contact with him...period. Walk away. Change your phone numbers/email/IM, etc... so that he can't contact you anymore. There really is no other way to "get over it". You can't change him. You can't make him do anything. All you CAN do is set boundaries in your life about what you will or won't accept from others. You can do better than this...and you know it. Move on, learn from the experience...and start healing from it. Today.
Untouchable_Fire Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 OK...you posted wanting to know "how the hell i get over this". Its simple...its not easy, but its simple. He's not leaving his wife...you've already come to that conclusion on your own. Break any and all contact with him...period. Walk away. Change your phone numbers/email/IM, etc... so that he can't contact you anymore. There really is no other way to "get over it". And... if he continues to bug you... threaten to tell his wife.
White Flower Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 We all think we're the special one. Of course, it's because they tell us this lie. We're all fools unless of course we fall into that category of 'the one' they left for. And seeing that happen makes us think it can happen for us. Anyway, I hope you get over this guy quick.
JackhammerGemma Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 If you are going to continue to see him, keep your options open and start dating other people. Sooner or later you'll meet someone who won't have as much baggage and will fill your time more with thoughts of them rather than the MM who keeps promising the world and giving you an atlas. I know how hard it is to break away from someone who's not good for you no matter what the circumstance. If you can't do it cold turkey, you need a distraction. Just make sure he's not another married person and make sure the other person knows you're just in it casually so no one gets hurt.
Author serliana7 Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 To answer Infinitiys question. I do not see myself as a home wrecker and I will tell you why. When we resumed contact he was out of the house, he told me that since the birth of the twins he and his wife had been practically living as roommates and had only had sex 3 or four times in 6 years, his choice not hers. Since we resumed contact he has only had sex with her once and that was while he and i were just at the chatting stage. Maybe I am a fool for beleiving this but I do. And also clearly he is still with her and she is none the wiser, therefore the home, effectively is not wrecked. Update: he has been bugging me over night over text trying to resume contact, I am pleased to report I have now gone 24 Hours NC!!!
Author serliana7 Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 No Contact is far more difficult than previously anticipated, he is now texting clever questions like 'Do you still want to go on Holiday with me if I sort things out here?' I am dying to answer because OF COURSE I do, but if i respond to his messages then I am breaking no contact. When he dangles that carrot its so difficult for me as I want to beleive he will start a life with me. His last text this evening said 'if you no longer love me then reply and let me know then I will leave you alone' How do you deal with that? Still not reply? But this is like giving him the green light to keep trying. I think on my original post I may have been in a stronger, more resolute state of mind, now i'm just a mess again
Author serliana7 Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 So, basically, when a married man moved out, it's fair game for anyone to grab? He's a grown man of 37 years of age, with a (sharp) mind of his own, not a fluffy defencless puppy in a pet-shop waiting for someone to come along and 'grab' them Put yourself in her shoes. Let's say some slxx have sex with your husband and then your husband return home back to you, are you telling us that no harm has been done? Its clear from the tone of your post and the thinly veiled reference to me as a 'slxx' that you are out for blood. I can only assume you have been at the other end of the equation, and for that I feel for you. The fact of the matter is I am not a 'slxx' and I have never been in this situation before or intend being in this situation again. You can't help who you fall in love with - who knows infinity, maybe one day you will mess up and turn to like minded people for some understanding?
stampdaddy Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Your assumption is wrong. It doesn't take a victim at the other end of the equation in order to have the conscience to comprehend that sleeping with a married person who is not your spouse is slxxxx and wrong. The fact that a murderer had never murdered someone before and don't plan to murder anyone again would make it all okay? Try telling that to the victim's wife and family. Don't put me in your "low category." I have morals. It is understood that this is not the best route to go down. We ALL get that. BUT it does happen, and it takes 2 to get there.. It is very obvious that this MM has led her to believe "that it will all work out".. It is not fair of you to bash this person like you are. She "get's it". And let me say this, this is the toughest damn thing to go through, especially when the MM/MW is promising you the world, promising that it will all be OK, even when you know this isnt the right route to get there, it IS the road that you find yourself on.. Lighten up, Francis..
stampdaddy Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 What you wrote is almost like saying that if a pimp promise you the world, it is not the best route to sell your body, assist him in a bank robbery, sell cocain, but it is the route to find yourself on. Are you telling me that we all should be lighten up to your ideology? Lack of morals, standards, and character defects are what put her in the position she is currently at and the fact that she is actually considering resuming contact with this married man with wife and child at home is sickening to say the least. I am not saying that you should ALL conform to my way of thinking, not at all.. All that know me here will vouch that I am very fair minded and UNDERSTANDING of everyones situation, whichever side of the triangle they currently reside on. You can sit there and come up with a million analogies of what is right and wrong and again, I get it.. And I dont consider MYSELF having a lack of morals, standards and character, BUT I am in the same boat the OP is and trust me: I GET IT.. You bashing me won't help me a damn bit, and neither will holding my hand. Letting me have my right to post my thoughts and feelings and letting things sort themselves out ARE WHAT THESE FORUMS ARE FOR..
stampdaddy Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 One is entitle to his or her opinion, including how benefitial pimps are to our society and how anyone can be a serial killer or a cheater. On the other hand, one is also entitled to opinions and beliefs that are totally different. Many, if not most criminals, don't consider themselves to be bad people either. Does their own idea negate their wrongs? and I am sure that YOU are above reproach... Good for you. First person I ever met that is perfect.. peace out
Tomcat33 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 . Do you see yourself as a homewrecker? It takes two people who are in a realationship to wreck a home the outsider is introduced by one of the two people who are in that home, they are responsible for wrecking a home, not a complete stranger. If your brother does drugs do you blame a drug dealer who sold your brother drugs for wrecking the harmony of your family or do you blame your brother for doing something that he knew could cause him harm? Couples do a pretty good job at wrecking a marriage on their own before they even reach out to involve a third party. The only homewrecking that happens is between the two people in a relationship. So, basically, when a married man moved out, it's fair game for anyone to grab? Yes because people don't OWN people, if a person has gotten himself out of a marriage then how can it not be fair game? There are people who are sperated and live seperated for 10 yrs plus and have no desire to get a D and date. Are they supposed to give up dating because they are technically still "married" on paper to someone else? Marriage in paper is not a commitment married in actions is, if you move out you are legally seperated which LEGALLY it means you are free to date. Put yourself in her shoes. Let's say some slxx have sex with your husband and then your husband return home back to you, are you telling us that no harm has been done? What if the person that had sex with your H is not a slut but someone who can give YOUR H what you cannot, love, affection, comprehension, praise and admiration something a lot of folk forget to do when married to someone and think SURE they will always be here no matter how I treat them? Don't try to put me in your "low category." I have morals. Someone with no manners and incapable of conducting an intelligent converstaion being insulting or condescending towards others is a really ulgy character trait. Just as ugly as being immoral.
Tomcat33 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 One does not have to be pefect to not rob a bank, sleep with someone else's spouse, molest a child, etc., it's just simply having morals and decent character. Note, I didn't even use "good" or "great," because to commit any of these aforementioned wrongs is just beyond decency. Does a person with decent character hang around a forum for support of people in less than ideal situations and kick them when they are already down? NO THEY DON'T. Not in my definition of "decency" that is not what a decent person does.
Lyssa Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Does a person with decent character hang around a forum for support of people in less than ideal situations and kick them when they are already down? NO THEY DON'T. Not in my definition of "decency" that is not what a decent person does. Not in mine too. Nothing has changed since I first came here. What a shame. But I know a couple of people that have changed - accepted the situation and give really good advice and they are decent. Another thing I don't get is a new member that comes in out of nowhere (not reading the whole situation or previous threads) and kick people when they are already lying on the ground!
Lyssa Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 No Contact is far more difficult than previously anticipated, he is now texting clever questions like 'Do you still want to go on Holiday with me if I sort things out here?' I am dying to answer because OF COURSE I do, but if i respond to his messages then I am breaking no contact. When he dangles that carrot its so difficult for me as I want to beleive he will start a life with me. His last text this evening said 'if you no longer love me then reply and let me know then I will leave you alone' How do you deal with that? Still not reply? But this is like giving him the green light to keep trying. I think on my original post I may have been in a stronger, more resolute state of mind, now i'm just a mess again NC is difficult. I did that and it drove me crazy. It was even harder back then when he emailed me pretty much the same thing MM messaged you. I know you want to go on that holiday with him but what happens after the holiday? 'If I sort things out' - IF? Does that sound fair to you? Have you told him that there shouldn't be any contact at all until he DOES something about it? Read your OP and I'm sure you'll feel stronger and hopefully, the need to resume contact will fade away. I'm sorry you're in a mess. (((hugs)))
Author serliana7 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Thanks everyone for your support, I went to sleep quite upset last night. I do know that getting involved with someone who is married was wrong and I am in no way cocky about it. The reason I come on here is there are people out there who have been through similar, experienced the lies and trickery and despite it all come out of the other side and moved forward - That is my intention. The majority of posters here will help me to do that, todays a new day (in my time zone) so I am going to get up, put my best suit on and go to work and make today a productive day - today is day 3 NC and I fully attend to ignore my phone. I am going to spain for a Hen weekend on Friday so I have something to look forward to and focus on - things will get better and i swear i'll never put myself in this position again
Author serliana7 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 I changed my number on my birthday as I was adamant I wouldn't start my 29th year in this situation. The smart-arse went onto the uk's largest career website and registered as an employer in the knowledge that I am looking for another job and would have been likely to have posted a CV in the investment section - My new number was of course there waiting for him. I could change it again but I am in the final stages of securing a new job with phone etc, he doesnt know about this company and wont be able t track me down. Final interview tomorrow so fingers crossed I get it.
Owl Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Good luck on the job. Seriously, if he's going that far...he's STALKING you. You should actually consider getting a restraining order...what he's doing to maintain contact is pushing far beyond what most would accept as a limit. You might also try telling him if he doesn't back off, you'll start forwarding all the texts to his wife. Set a boundary...tell him that ENOUGH IS ENOUGH...and make it clear if he crosses the line, there WILL be repercussions. Just a thought.
Hester Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 honey, LEAVE HIM, that's all i can say to you, i did it, the first few months were like in hell, but youll get over it, believe me honey, i was there, worse than you cos we were even planning having kids. but i wait till im 31 and nothing happened!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!, LEAVE HIM AND FIND THE ONE THAT DESERVS YOU,
Author serliana7 Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 You're right hester, Like a fool today I buckled and answered the phone to him. He is insistent that he is going to tell her whilst I am in Marbella this weekend. And that he is furious with me that I have cut off contact whilst he needs me the most. I have just switched off my phone and decided not to take it to Spain with me as it will just ruin the hen party for everyone else if he is stressing me out. Really regret taking his call this morning:mad:
OpenBook Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 You're right hester, Like a fool today I buckled and answered the phone to him. He is insistent that he is going to tell her whilst I am in Marbella this weekend. And that he is furious with me that I have cut off contact whilst he needs me the most. I have just switched off my phone and decided not to take it to Spain with me as it will just ruin the hen party for everyone else if he is stressing me out. Really regret taking his call this morning:mad: He's "furious" with you?? Wife aside, serliana, do you really want a man who would get angry with you for refusing to give up your own life just to be his emotional trash receptacle?? I'm kinda glad you did take that call this morning. Knowledge is power, and I think he is showing his true colors. I don't know about you, but I prefer men who adore me for ME, and who SUPPORT me in my goals and pursuits... not somebody who's going to drag me down and insist that I give up everything else for him, and be available to him whenever he wants me to be. I call bullsh*t on that one.
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