hades07 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Me and my ex broke up a little less than a month ago. Since then we have hung out and talked and since I am very close to her family went to a wake and funeral with her when her aunt passed away. We have hung out because we share the same friends, and we were friends for a long time before we started going out. The few times we are alone she has stated that she would be happy to be back with me and has even tried to kiss me. We did not have a bad break up at all. She wanted a break a few months back so I told her I wouldnt contact her but she was lonely and kept calling me and msging me and after two weeks we got back together. This time though she has made a few new friends she works with and has an easier time not seeing and being around me and I feel like this is the reason why she chose to do the break-up again. There's also a guy who is very much a player and knows alot of girls that she works with and hangs out with her and her new friends alot that I am worried about. If he wasn't around there would be no one that she is close to start dating next. I'm having a hard time dealing with it, and shes not. Can't sleep, trouble eating, and really cannot get her off of my mind. I have contacted her a few times, and not really begged but tried to figure out the chances of us being back together and being needy but I'm afraid I may have ruined any chances. The problem I have is if I knew when she was ready we would be back together I would be fine but I am afraid that now she has some new friends that I have lost her forever. We knew we could spend the rest of our lives together, she even states that if we get back together it will be forever because we had an amazing relationship, she's just afraid of commitment and that we will turn out miserable like her parents. I recently started my career, im 23 and she's 24, and we were discussing moving in together over the next few months and planning a cruise together for new years because she is still in university. Starting today I am going to do my best to avoid her but won't that seem weird to still talking on the phone everyday to not talking at all. One day I went without talking to her she got mad at me the next for not replying to something she talked about. Also, she's gotten upset and cried a couple of times now because she was unhappy for a reason she wouldnt tell me and I tried to be nice like I used to be. What could that mean?
imagine Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Hey H Tell it like it is: You both have mileage together. You have never lost the feelings that you had for her. You hope that one day to hook up for good. You are jealous of the competition and positively need to know the status quo. Ask her please to not call or text unless she is serious about the same goals. Tell her that the reason for this is that you are fragile and further contact just increases your anxiety. Caution: Make sure that you can recall the reasons why you both broke up. Possibly your breakup left a gap that needed filling. Maybe her present outgoing behaviour has sparked territorial outrage. Think well before you make that call!
stillstrong1 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Hades, This is not the first time she has broken up with you, and in my experience, that means it's not the last. People who really want to be with you don't keep breaking up with you.
Author hades07 Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Your right imagine I do hope we hook up again and get back together for good. The way I feel about her may change sooner rather than later. It was only a week ago I could break down and cry anytime I want, and just over the last week I feel alot stronger and less needy when it comes to her. Im slowly realizing that I dont need her in my life, there are others out there. I actually have a date in two days, but I want her in my life. As for breaking up repeatedly and doing it again, well thats why its so serious this time. Last time it wasn't even really a break. She was very needy and wanted me back like the next day but I made her stay away from me. We had sex and still kept sayign we loved each other and everything, it was like it didnt happen. This time she is doing a better job of staying away from me, and that is why I am the needy one, not her, and she knows I would take her back whenever shes ready, meaning I gave her the control and shes taking advantage. If we do get back together it will be for the last time since she says herself that if we get back together its forever.
vivrantflo Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 I'm gonna try and analyze this the best I can. We did not have a bad break up at all. She wanted a break a few months back so I told her I wouldnt contact her but she was lonely and kept calling me and msging me and after two weeks we got back together. I get chastised on this site, cause I always bring up the possibility of a 3rd party... but whenever someone asks for a break, 9 times out of 10 there's another person involved. After two weeks, things may not have gone as smooth as she expected, so she asked for you back. I'm having a hard time dealing with it, and shes not. Can't sleep, trouble eating, and really cannot get her off of my mind. Why should she?? She knows you still love her, and at the moment Im sure she has her eyes on someone else.. whether it's that "player" dude you're talking about, or someone else. The ball is in her court. The problem I have is if I knew when she was ready we would be back together I would be fine but I am afraid that now she has some new friends that I have lost her forever. lol that goes for all of us man. If we could circle a date in our planners, when she's gonna be ready to come back, we'd sleep a lot better at night. But it doesn't work that way. Her new friends have nothing to do with whom she decides to be with. Yeah, they may influence in a sense, but it really boils down to her choice, and what makes her happy. We knew we could spend the rest of our lives together, she even states that if we get back together it will be forever because we had an amazing relationship, she's just afraid of commitment and that we will turn out miserable like her parents. So she's saying that you're husband material, and you two had an amazing relationship. So with all that being said, she needs a break from that amazing relationship so you two don't turn out miserable... Does that make ANY sense?????? And she's scared of commitment...Im 90% sure that she's interested in another guy. Starting today I am going to do my best to avoid her but won't that seem weird to still talking on the phone everyday to not talking at all. This was HER choice to break up with you. So make HER decision final. She doesn't deserve the luxuries of your love, support, and companionship if she can't commit to you. One day I went without talking to her she got mad at me the next for not replying to something she talked about. That's because she doesn't want you to move on, she wants to keep you on that string. She's not used to not hearing from you when she calls. This is why I stated above, that you need to make her decision final. It's all or nothing baby. Also, she's gotten upset and cried a couple of times now because she was unhappy for a reason she wouldnt tell me and I tried to be nice like I used to be. What could that mean? I'm now 95% sure there's another guy. That sounds like guilt to me. She feels bad cause you've done nothing wrong. You're a great guy, you treated her good, and your relationship was amazing... she broke up with you and you're STILL being nice to her.. and through all that...she's getting close to another man. And feels like $h!t. I'd go NC for sure on this girl.
Author hades07 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 You really think she has another man because Im with her still all the time and there hasnt been another man around yet. Months before we broke up she was saying she felt too young to be committed and wanted time apart. Even now she says being with me would make her happy she just needs to make sure im the one because if we stayed together we woudl be together forever. There is no guys around at all when she goes out with us all the time and when shes home doing nothing on nights she isnt out drinking with us she calls me to talk.
vivrantflo Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 On the surface, that's what it looks like to me. I may be wrong... it's just my opinion.. But whenever I've read "I need a break" on this site.. it's ALWAYS leads to a break up. The relationship was going great... there is NO reason why she should just break up with you out of the blue.. cause she's needs a break. A break from what?? Do you see what I'm saying? Someone that wants to be with you, and loves you does not want a break from you. And the whole being upset thing, and not telling you why?? What do you think that is? There's a reason for every reaction. She's not going to dump you for no reason at all.. especially when everything is supposedly perfect.
Author hades07 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Thing is everything wasnt perfect. We were perfect when we were together but we grew distant, because our jobs conflicted and we rarely talked or seen each other.
Author hades07 Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 And the reason why she wants a break is not only because shes afraid we will end up miserable but because she feels like she is too young to commit. She will be 23 soon, weve been together 2.5 years but I am her only serious relationship. Any previous bfs have only been a month long or they treated her like crap and already had gfs, just didnt tell her and used her. I always see people saying "Go NC" which I figured out means no contact, but what exactly will that do? If I dont contact her after us not even having a bad breakup, sharing mostly the same friends and hanging out wouldnt that look suspicious? Anyways Im just wondering if NC usually helps and what it does exactly.
CailinPig Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 I get chastised on this site, cause I always bring up the possibility of a 3rd party... but whenever someone asks for a break, 9 times out of 10 there's another person involved. Hey Vivrantflo, I gotta say I disagree with your comment and statistic. I had a 2.5 year relationship with my ex and in the very beginning, I uasked for a few 'breaks'. There was never anyone else involved. It was just I needed to get away to get some headspace to think, that's all, you know? And whenever my friends have had breaks, it was always for the same reason.
Author hades07 Posted July 3, 2008 Author Posted July 3, 2008 Cailinpig I agree with you. Our first "break" wasn't even a break, she said she wanted one but kept calling and wanting to come over to see me and telling me she loved me, only time she left me alone was when I wouldnt answer the phone, therefore after two weeks of saying were on a break but not really we decided we werent on a break anymore. Only reason shes having an easier time this time is because she has a couple more friends she can hang out with besides being around me and all the friends we share now.
justaman99 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I think there is a chance with her being so young that she doesn't want to feel locked into something so long term. She wants to experience life a little bit without the relationship. That's normal sometimes and definitely more so in younger relationships that are serious and hit that 2 year mark. There may be another guy there may not be. I'm gonna go 70% that there isn't one here and it's more about her just discovering life and being independent. Perhaps being in a relationship just isn't a priority for her right now.
Author hades07 Posted July 7, 2008 Author Posted July 7, 2008 Thanks Justaman99, I feel like thats exactly whats going on. The worse thing is she is hanging out with a couple of guys trying to fill the void left by our breakup and she still msgs me all the time on msn now that I deleted her on facebook and stopped talking on the phone. I work close to her and she knows this but tells me whenever im in the area come visit her at work and yesterday msgd me a few times telling me she was depressed. Im having an easier time lately though because one of my old gfs moved close to me and weve been hanging out and she even spent the night at my place the other night. Spending time with her also fills the void left by my ex but by asking her to hang out everyday I feel like I may have shifted my neediness to her.
tmk25 Posted July 7, 2008 Posted July 7, 2008 I am in almost the exact same situation you are now. We had the perfect relationship. He was suppose to move in with in me in August and we talked about getting engaged by then too.. Then all of a sudden he started acting wierd a few months ago and almost distancing himself from me. My mom kept telling me there probably was another girl. I found out she was right. He had been secretly talking to another girl over txt message. He was unhappy with our relationship because I was always busy and very stressed from school and did not have the capacity to adore and love him like I usually did. I feel like because of that he sought out her, and she gave him what he wanted....attention....and sexual talk.. Just over a month ago he called and brokeup with me and I found out she was at his house the next weekend. She is the complete opposite of me and has slept with his friends as well. I feel deep down he does not want anything serious with her and know she is not relationship material, but she is fulfilling his immediate needs and giving him the positive attention he desires. It really sucks and I feel your pain. I don't know what to do either, so I have just decided to go without contact for the rest of the summer so he can figure out his life and if it is me who he wants to be with in the end. Good luck. I hope everything works out for you.
Author hades07 Posted July 8, 2008 Author Posted July 8, 2008 Thanks TMK25. Im trying to do the same thing, go the summer without talking to her, or talk as little as possible and let her make up her mind. In the meantime this isnt stopping me from dating either, just hard to get back into the dating scene after 2 1/2 years. If you would like, since we are both going through the same kind of ordeal, become NC buddies so we are not inclined to talk to our ex's. If possible I could send you my email or add me to msn if that's okay with you.
Author hades07 Posted July 9, 2008 Author Posted July 9, 2008 Nice. So what day are you on NC? Im now on Day 4. It's getting alot better actually but I still think about and love her alot, especially since shes going through a rough time with her family and I was the only one before who she would come to for help and would help her out. She's messaged me a few times saying she's depressed and not happy and I wrote back Sunday with a simple Hope everything gets better, Im sure they will soon. Since then, she's msgd me saying "hey?" but that is about it.
tmk25 Posted July 10, 2008 Posted July 10, 2008 Day 5. It should have been over a month by now, but somehow we keep finding ways to make contact. But this time I really am going to stick to the NC rule because it is what he needs if he is ever going to figure out what he wants. Also-- I think it is easier on me not constantly worrying what he is up to or who hes spending time with. I am glad you haven't talked to your GF. She just wants you to be there right now to make her feel better.. You need to show her what she can lose by having NC with her. I hope it works for my BF and I..
Author hades07 Posted July 10, 2008 Author Posted July 10, 2008 I kind of slipped up today tmk25. She found out I was getting the game rockband and wrote me on msn saying "Yay Rockband" and I wrote back saying the same thing and that I loves it and ever since now I have been waiting for her to write back. Also she owes me $600 because I paid for her braces and now I have to meet her on Friday to get that money back. I was doing so good too until tonight, would just msging someone but not actually having a conversation counted as having contact or would tomorrow be day 5? Not like it matters since I will see her Friday anyways.
cjanee Posted July 12, 2008 Posted July 12, 2008 I am in the same boat as you with this non committal jack ass. He kept saying he didn't want to commit and that I was the kind of girl he would marry blah blah. We work together have contact every day at work and he texts me every evening and talks to me before I go to bed disappears on one weekend night. He told me he talks to these ex g/f of his that are just friends. The truth is this. His ex has been in the picture the entire time he has been preaching no committment and I finally caught him in a lie this week about her. It's very simple. He wants me on the shelf so that when he is tired or things dont work out with her, he can come back to me. This however has nothing to do with love. Its all about power. NC will enable you to move forward and out of this tangled web.
Author hades07 Posted July 12, 2008 Author Posted July 12, 2008 Thanks cjanee, I know what you mean NC has helped, just a few days of it helped alot. Just in the last few days my ex has msgd me tons of times asking if Im avoiding her and I told her I am. She then msgs me saying she misses cuddling, someone to call when she wants, and everything we had in our relationship she now misses just because I didnt talk to her for a few days. I even ran into her mom the other day at the mall and was all nice to her and stuff and her mom even told me to still come visit and have supper with them and stuff because I am really close to my ex's family. My ex just called me then actually saying she misses me and shes lonely alot lately and don't know how she is going to be without me, but I feel kind of like I have the power now because im out dating, shes not yet, and I am in a lot happier place right now then she is. She's even jealous because I am in high spirits and still doing all these things we had planned together without her like a trip to cancun in two months and shes doing nothing. Basically, I am doing alot better lately, I never call her or anything but everyday that goes by she wants more attention and says more things about wanting me back, but I told her she is still confused so she needs to stay single for awhile. I have to thank everyone on this site though, made everything alot easier and I am actually happier now than I have been in a long time, even when I was with her.
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