Nevermind Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Many of us are slowly coming to the realization that our exes were in fact not heaven sent, but human with lots (and lots) of flaws. Question: why did we put up with it for so long? Are all of those flaws real, or are we making them up (unintentionally) to get over our losses? For me, I try to stick to the facts and not to my feelings. There are moments when I think of him as the devil and moments when I think of him as a saint. He had done both good and bad things. Yet, he didn't treat me right at all and in my brain I know it. Why I put up with it? Low self-esteem, inexperience (he was my first), a small social security net and manipulation on his part account for it. I need to learn a lot before I can ensure to be in a healthy relationship. Not a co-dependent, or abusive one. How about you?
stlnsmile Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I needed the excitement he brought to my life, I had limited resourses of my own. It took me soooo long after he left to just get it togther. It took a long time. At least it felt like a long time. But what I finally did realize, was, that actually I had a lot going on before him, I just had to get back to that place, and start to fill in the gaps in my own exsistance. For example, just started horseback riding. Just because I wanted to. I guess, I just forgot how to make meeeee happy. And I realized finally, as painful as it was, what did I bring to that relationship, probably not much. I don't want to be that person again who has so little to offer to someone. Nothing interesting or fun, nothing that makes me unique. I was under the delusion that I was unique....but I really wasn't all that special then. I don't know how to describe it to someone else. I just know what I need to do for me. Im getting back to that part of myself that is whole and happy. And happy is the primary word. No one would ever want to go out with someone who is not happy with themselves. At least no healthy person would. So each weak I try to think.....what do I want to do, what do I want to do before I hit 25 what do I want to expirience, what stories do I want to be able to tell about my life to someone later. And if no one ever comes along, can I be happy in my life with what I am doing and what I have going on. For me the answer is still no, because I have sooo many things I want to do and try still. And adventure is something I am adding in small bits and pieces. I hope to get to the point eventually where I am constantly seeking out new adventures, and that I have people to share those with, friends I mean. And I don't mean going to the mall....ha...I mean rock climing for example, thats something I really want to learn to do. Just one thing on my list. I think we all should make a things I really want to learn or do list. And actually do them:)
foxh1234 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I stayed with her because I really loved her despite our problems. I also thought we could work through everything and come out better. Once she cheated, all the hopes and dreams vanished and I wish I had left her first. I stayed because I am not a quitter and I don't cut and run when things get tough. She did, and that says alot about her and her character. I also stayed because I loved the sex:lmao:
sedgwick Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I think I have to work on myself. I honestly don't think any of this was my ex's fault, I think it was all mine. I needed to work harder on myself and on developing new skills. I was not interesting enough to hold his attention, and I have to try to work on becoming interesting. I adore him. He left me because I wasn't a musician. If I had recognized how important that was to him and learned how to play music, he might still be here. The relationship ended because of me and my shortcomings. I stayed with him because he is a beautiful, amazing person, and if he'd give me even one more hour of his presence I would be grateful beyond measure. I guess he could stand to bathe more. If I had to change something about him, that would be it -- that he would bathe and sleep and eat when he needed to.
PandaStillLovesBunny Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I adore him. He left me because I wasn't a musician. If I had recognized how important that was to him and learned how to play music, he might still be here. The relationship ended because of me and my shortcomings. I stayed with him because he is a beautiful, amazing person, and if he'd give me even one more hour of his presence I would be grateful beyond measure. Not being something he wants is NOT a shortcoming. If he wanted a musician, then he should have dated a musician. It would seem to me that that's something you should know before you initiate a relationship. As to the topic at hand - I have no answer to give.
replicator Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I think I have to work on myself. I honestly don't think any of this was my ex's fault, I think it was all mine. I needed to work harder on myself and on developing new skills. I was not interesting enough to hold his attention, and I have to try to work on becoming interesting. I adore him. He left me because I wasn't a musician. If I had recognized how important that was to him and learned how to play music, he might still be here. The relationship ended because of me and my shortcomings. I stayed with him because he is a beautiful, amazing person, and if he'd give me even one more hour of his presence I would be grateful beyond measure. I guess he could stand to bathe more. If I had to change something about him, that would be it -- that he would bathe and sleep and eat when he needed to. Hi Sedgwick. I strongly feel that your ex didn't leave you because you weren't a musician. It sounds like a shallow excuse he gave to you. He chose something that you can't change, and something that will make it easier for him than being completely honest for whatever reason. That isn't a short coming of any kind. He has his reasons, but at the end of the day, the important thing is that he doesn't appreciate you for who you are today, and what you can be. Real love doesn't care if you're a musician, doctor, laywer, superstar, secretary.
sunshinegirl Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 NM, it's an important question. For me, I am learning that this relationship, and all of my previous ones, are tied up in some "family of origin" issues I never knew I had. The way I interacted with my parents has created a powerful cocktail in terms of what I am attracted to in my romantic relationships: unavailable men (thanks to my dad who loves me but was absent for key times in my childhood) who tend to be narcissists (thanks to my mom). Basically I seem to be replicating these patterns with men in hopes of healing/fixing the original dynamics with my parents. I tend to abandon my own needs in these relationships, providing everything the boyfriend wants/needs, without insisting on mine being met, in hopes of gaining their approval and attention. Some really obvious examples of that occurred with E, and just today I realized this: E didn't cheer me on in the half-marathon we ran together last fall. Well guess what? The first half-marathon I ran, when I was 23? Neither of my parents came to cheer me on.
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