Custody sharing - conflicts - lead to second thoughts on saving the marriage ?

[SingleDad]

STBXW called me several times today to complain about not seeing her 2.5 yo daughter enough - and refused to let me see her over the 4th weekend - even though our legal separation agreement says that longer holiday weekends allow both of us time with our daughter. After several angry calls to me she agreed to let me have daughter on the 5th - only because she previously agreed to it.

 

Main point is STBXW is complaining about not having enough time with her daughter. I said that this is not what I wanted - I do not want divorce - Ex has her 8 of 14 days when I get 6 of 14. I said something like "You have taken my daughter away from me against my will and have more time than I do - so stop complaining to me about not getting enough time - I'm the one who who had time stolen away."

 

I can't imagine either of us being able to happy passing our daughter back and forth between us several times a week for another 15 years. We have been sharing/splitting custody for past 3 months - but ex just moved into a new place this weekend and already is complaining about missing our daughter.

 

Seems easier to fix our own interpersonal conflicts over the next 12 months - re-kindle the love she once had for me - as I still love her..

 

Anyone experience this ?

[Billy Bob]

To tell you the truth, your custody sharing conflicts will probably just drive a further wedge between both of you as she will see you as the source of the conflict. She wants her independant life, but has to deal with you all the time becuase of the custody agreements.

 

The truth of the matter is "absence makes the heart grow fonder". probably not what you wanted to hear though.

[Ronni_W]

Seems easier to fix our own interpersonal conflicts over the next 12 months

The thing is that if your STBX does not feel that it will be easier, then it is NOT easier for her.

 

Sometimes it just happens that way. The part about being away from her daughter will be difficult, of course. It may (or may not) tear open her heart every single time. But her decision to divorce encompasses a LOT more than just her role as a caring, loving mother.

 

If you do want to let your STBX know that you are opening to try again IF that is what she wants, that is far different than "it will be easier for all of us if..." -- because, really, we cannot 100% know what is "easier" or "more difficult" for another human being. We don't have the insight, and we don't have the 'authority' to think that we can accurately make such an assessment on their behalf. My assumption that "I" know what is easy/best for "you" is really just my own ignorance and arrogance.

 

Wishing all three of you the best, under the circumstances.

[Chrome Barracuda]

SD this is what she wanted, she made the choice to be a single mother and this is what it entails. She should have thought about the consequences before the divorce! what did she think it was gonna be easier?!

[SingleDad]

She lives in Fantasyland and honestly believes this will be easier - she does not comprehend the things I did, chores, cleaning, dishes, yardwork, etc. Apparently thinks I did chores to avoid loving her or spending quality time with her. Most women would have appreciated everything being done around the house.

 

I find it hard to continue to just give her everything she wants to make for a smooth separation. If I am friendly, cooperative and just go along with it, I will have no backbone and will lose out - she could see that the separation is working out great and should continue. Yet If I argue, be less than cooperative, and fight for my rights then it just reinforces in her mind that we should not be together. I'm screwed both ways it appears...

[quankanne]

the only thing I know about legal custody/visitation arrangements is that BOTH parties must adhere to them. If the judge says you get Baby on X day, then your wife cannot circumvent that; likewise, if the agreement says you must have the child back to her mother by 7 p.m. Sundays of the weekend you get her, then Baby needs to be back by 7 p.m.

 

that said, if your STBX is "interpreting" the agreement to suit her desires, you have every reason to take her back to court because she's not holding up to her end of the agreement. Frankly, I'd keep a diary of all of this, citing her arguments and if she went against the agreement or stuck to it. It'd come in handy during further visitation hearings, esp. if you are doing your best to stick to the agreement!

[Gunny376]

Take a piece of leather and chomp down on it HARD! Because what I'm about to post is going to hurt!

 

Your marriage is over, and your DW wants you out of her Life, and your DD's Life.

 

She wants the man that she's got envision in her mind as the perfect man ~ and that's not you!

 

Don't be surprised if she attempts to displace you as not only her husband, but as the father of her children as well. She would be perfectally happy if you fell off the face of the Earth!

[WTFOVERMAN]

Get this, my stbxw agreed to split custody down the middle 50/50 during the sep. Her reasoning was for my son to be able to be with me/her equally and not be affected too much. Come to find out-she just wanted to offload him to me so she could be with the OM. I confronted her about this and she said I was crazy and she wasnt with an OM. Then the line "Your only hurting you son" followed. I was glad to be with my child but the lies made me question her love for him.

 

Oddly enough, I found the truth and told her that I wanted my son permanently and BANG--I have custody of him now. She pays me child support and she gets to see him on my schedule. Tuff cookies sweetheart.

 

Doormats are designed to be walked on and your not going to be a doormat. Stand up and tell her to pound sand. Shake your fist in the air and bring her world down to you. Get eye level and withdrawl your part of the marital stock. Your daughter is your daughter and she can never take her from you.

 

Document-Document-Document. You can do this and I know you will!

[Mr. Lucky]

the only thing I know about legal custody/visitation arrangements is that BOTH parties must adhere to them. If the judge says you get Baby on X day, then your wife cannot circumvent that; likewise, if the agreement says you must have the child back to her mother by 7 p.m. Sundays of the weekend you get her, then Baby needs to be back by 7 p.m.

Quankanne, what you say is technically true, but try getting your lawyer or a judge on the phone at 7:00 pm on Sunday to enforce this. Or paying the extra expense involved in arguing every issue as it comes up.

 

Singledad, I went through the same thing with my ExW when we separated. Drive to her house (our old marital house which I was still paying for) to pick up my son at the appointed time - no one home. Call her phone - no answer. Trust me, it's a frustrating experience as she seemed to love to f*ck with me to try and provoke a reaction. But the truth is that it usually passes. You develop a routine (still with problems and bumps in the road) and you develop a new life. It just takes a struggle and a fight to get there. Keep your head up and keep moving forward. Don't sweat the small stuff, just focus on you and your child...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gunny376]

Get this, my stbxw agreed to split custody down the middle 50/50 during the sep. Her reasoning was for my son to be able to be with me/her equally and not be affected too much. Come to find out-she just wanted to offload him to me so she could be with the OM. I confronted her about this and she said I was crazy and she wasnt with an OM. Then the line "Your only hurting you son" followed. I was glad to be with my child but the lies made me question her love for him.

 

Oddly enough, I found the truth and told her that I wanted my son permanently and BANG--I have custody of him now. She pays me child support and she gets to see him on my schedule. Tuff cookies sweetheart.

 

Doormats are designed to be walked on and your not going to be a doormat. Stand up and tell her to pound sand. Shake your fist in the air and bring her world down to you. Get eye level and withdrawl your part of the marital stock. Your daughter is your daughter and she can never take her from you.

 

Document-Document-Document. You can do this and I know you will!

 

Amen! I hope you "Lurkers" that don't post ~ are taking notes!

[SingleDad]

Don't know what state you are from WFTOVERMAN, but it doesn't work that way in NY. It doesn't matter whether or not STBXW is with another man - it would not affect custody - unless Ex and OM are doing criminal or indecent acts. Ex fought for excess over 50% to keep child support - even though that is not affected either. Usually the mother (esp of 2.5 yo daughter) gets residential parent and father gets non-residential parent with visitation rights (every other weekend and Wed pm). I got better terms than going through court, because I did have leverage - I wanted my daughter more and Ex wanted out of marriage quickly. I did stand up for my rights during the negotiations for separation.

 

I am getting all of her lines too - don't know what to believe anymore. All I know for sure is It's all about her getting what she wants whether married or divorced. No longer about committment, nor what is best for daughter.

[TrustInYourself]

Of course, you're starting to see your wife in a different light. I know I am. The more time we spend together the more I realize she's right. This is a broken marriage. It's not your fault. It's not my fault. It's not their fault. It just doesn't work.

 

Now you have to question whether or not you really want to be nice and give this person who doesn't give a damn about anything but their own happiness exactly what they want. If you want your daughter and think she'll be better off with you, it won't be hard to convince your wife of the same thing if it's the truth.

 

After that, you're talking spousal support. From what I understand, that doesn't happen as much as it used to. Gotta love feminism and women's power to be equal in the workplace. Earn that money ho!