Orionz Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I broke up with my ex about 2 and a half weeks ago. I was together with her for 1 yr and 2 months. All these while, we led a loving life together. However, about 1 week before we broke up, i noticed that we aren't talking with each other as much as before. I pointed that out to her and she agrees to the solution of trying to improve the becoming-stagnant relationship. But just 2 days after we both agreed to improve on the relationship, she initated a break up with me. She told me that she felt the feelings of love for me have faded away and she does not know why it can happen so suddenly. ------------------- There is no 3rd party, there is no major quarrals or disagreement. Life was about to settle down after she got her job. According to a common friend she confined to, there isn't a real reason why she wanted a break up, and she just felt the feelings of love have faded (she doesn't know why). That's all. After the breakup, i attempted to ask for a patch up. She rejected me politely and i questioned if there there is any chance in the near future at all and she said she really don't know... I also wrote her a letter telling her that feelings of love sometimes swing in and out. At times, we'll feel the passion, at times we may not. I also go on asking her to reconsider the relationship and perhaps we should give each other some breathing space. When she received the letter, she said she didn't get any thoughts after reading my letter... ------------------- Since we broke up, whenever i tried to strike a chat with her normally (as a friend), in hope to bring back communication, she seemed reluctant. And i don't know why and i don't know how to get her back this way. She isn't responding to me at all. I really hope i can help her find back the feelings of love. I really want her back because we shared a lot of common dreams and aspiration in life. My feelings for her are still very strong. Can anyone help me?
justaman99 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 I think the best thing you can do which is a VERY typical reply to your situation is to do nothing. Trust me and trust others that will respond with a similar opinion. You can't do anything to sway her view right now. If you push, you'll push her farther away. The only option is to do nothing which means absolutely that. Don't call her, don't write her, don't bug her period. She needs to think this through on her own. -Just
sultry33 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 hi op, you have told her how you feel.. she said she had no thoughts after reading mail.. you need to leave her to work this out see if she misses you. believe me i know its hard but at least you tried. now take time out x
Author Orionz Posted June 30, 2008 Author Posted June 30, 2008 Thank guys for the replies. Should i not contact her at all (no emails/letters/texts/IMs/calls) to give her that "space"? I hope there was a reason for this break up but is genuinely none. That is also why the impact was so huge. According to that common friend, she is not regretting this breakup and she don't miss me. She is just feeling a little not used to being single again. Yesterday i surprised her by leaving her fave food at her doorstep. She thanked me in a very foreign way and is still reluctant to talk to me. I'm very confused as to why is it that caused this break up and how to salvage this relationship. I'm feeling the fear of really losing her for good. How long should i not contact her?
justine4 Posted June 30, 2008 Posted June 30, 2008 Thank guys for the replies. Should i not contact her at all (no emails/letters/texts/IMs/calls) to give her that "space"? I hope there was a reason for this break up but is genuinely none. That is also why the impact was so huge. According to that common friend, she is not regretting this breakup and she don't miss me. She is just feeling a little not used to being single again. Yesterday i surprised her by leaving her fave food at her doorstep. She thanked me in a very foreign way and is still reluctant to talk to me. I'm very confused as to why is it that caused this break up and how to salvage this relationship. I'm feeling the fear of really losing her for good. How long should i not contact her? STOP!! Don't leave food on her doorstep (??) etc as you'll put pressure on her and the more someone pushes, the more the other pulls. You're on a highway to nowhere doing that. I read an article that said to leave it 30 days. If they make contact in that time, just keep your response brief. Don't give away any personal details etc on what you're upto. If they ask how you're doing, just say fine thanks, and keep it short. It recommended that in that 30 days you exercise everyday (which boosts the seratonin in your brain and helps improve your state of mind). The theory (I think) is that after 30 days of selfimprovement you'll be in a better frame of mind and appear less 'needy/desperate to get back with' the other person. At the end of the 30 days it recommends ringing the other person and have a light hearted chat. Don't bring up the subject of the relationship and what went wrong. Then suggest meeting up for a coffee or something and see if they want to. It all depends then on if they agree to it. I guess there is more chance of them doing if you haven't begged and pleaded and made the other apprehensive of you after breaking up. Keep your dignity. The more you keep onto her, the more chance you have of driving her away. If you read most of the posts here about breaking up/ second chances, you'll find the general concensus is to give the other person their space and a chance to realise if/how much they miss you. It really is a case (unfortunately) of patience. I won't kid you - its incredibly hard not to contact them, but, its the only way to go.
sid3 Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 The previous posters gave you the best advice you are going to get. You have to stop completely! You asked if anybody here could help you.The answer is yes, but only you can. She is needing space for whatever reason. You can do two things now. One would be to give her the space. It's really hard to not contact them when we are hurting I know. The only other option is you can keep contacting her, leaving food for her etc. and keep pushing her further away. Don't choose that one, it leads to even more hurt. What will help you the most is the first option. I remember how much it sucked when my ex left for the same unknown reason after nine years. Sometimes the sugar coated thought of being single again is enough. There are a lot of kind people here that will offer whatever support they can. Take care of yourself. That is what matters the most right now.
Author Orionz Posted July 1, 2008 Author Posted July 1, 2008 Thanks guys. She recently changed her internet profile to single and quoted "am rediscovering life". She has also deleted some of our joint photos from her profile. Are these signs that she is trying to forget me totally? I'm gonna try not contacting her at all from today. I am really afraid though. Because i have thought through and she is really the one i want to be with... We shared many aspirations and dreams. But she is very closed to me right now. I don't understand what is she thinking... And i don't know when and how to approach her again, im really afraid of further aggravating the situation.
imagine Posted July 1, 2008 Posted July 1, 2008 Hi Oz I think your ex has done remarkably right by you in the breakup. She came to a decision. She let you know upfront that decision, unlike other game players on this site. Paradoxically this makes her the more worthwhile a woman to fight for. Respect her decision. Chalk this up to life experience. -How easy it is for me to write this to someone who is at the coalface of emotion. Just make sure that you leave on good terms. Write a goodbye letter if you are looking for closure. Thank her for the privilege and opportunity of being your friend. Say that you respect and honour her need for NC. Next, get a life.... I mean this respectfully. Burying yourself in activity numbs pain and also makes you more attractive.
Author Orionz Posted July 2, 2008 Author Posted July 2, 2008 Hi Oz I think your ex has done remarkably right by you in the breakup. She came to a decision. She let you know upfront that decision, unlike other game players on this site. Paradoxically this makes her the more worthwhile a woman to fight for. Respect her decision. Chalk this up to life experience. -How easy it is for me to write this to someone who is at the coalface of emotion. Just make sure that you leave on good terms. Write a goodbye letter if you are looking for closure. Thank her for the privilege and opportunity of being your friend. Say that you respect and honour her need for NC. Next, get a life.... I mean this respectfully. Burying yourself in activity numbs pain and also makes you more attractive. Point taken. However, as i have just started NC just 2 days ago, she dropped me a msg online yesterday. It was just a simple link of an unsuspicious comic strip. I thought she was okay with talking already as friends, so i went on dropping her a link of another simple comic strip, hoping to continue this light and normal conversation. Yet again, she gave me one-word replies and eventually i ended the very short lived conversation as she seem reluctant to talk to me. What does this mean? I dont understand what is on her mind right now? Did she just msg me because she have no one else to speak to?
tommiw Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Point taken. Did she just msg me because she have no one else to speak to? Quite possibly yeah. My ex did this also, until I removed her from my contacts list.
justaman99 Posted July 2, 2008 Posted July 2, 2008 Yet again, she gave me one-word replies and eventually i ended the very short lived conversation as she seem reluctant to talk to me. What does this mean? I dont understand what is on her mind right now? Did she just msg me because she have no one else to speak to? Don't do anything. Don't reply. Don't do these little texts. Let her sort our her mind and her heart and let her be lonely to figure it out. Your best option yet the hardest is to do this.
imagine Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 Don't do anything. Don't reply. Don't do these little texts. Let her sort our her mind and her heart and let her be lonely to figure it out. Your best option yet the hardest is to do this. Yup! She's probably lonely. Texting you and getting replied to boosts her self esteem. No reply will undermine her esteem and my guess is that she will attempt further contact. You, being needy, will in turn, eventually respond. You will probably date for a period whereafter she will reach the same conclusions as before. Net result: Back to square one. Extended heartache! Here are some random thoughts: Your desperate desire for her approval is your downfall. Don't ever tell someone that you will change for them in case you had this in mind. Whatever media tells us, its the mans job to be leader. First catch a vision of what you want to do with your life. Women like a man with a plan. Learn also to balance your visions with social time. Set boundaries for your friends. They will respect you more. All these are about maturity and what will restore a healthy relationship with your ex or someone like her. Bottom line: Text her - wounds are fresh and please not call while recovery in progress -short and to the point. Repeat this when she calls again.
sedgwick Posted July 3, 2008 Posted July 3, 2008 You left food on her doorstep? I would imagine she can probably feed herself. If she's asked for time apart, following her around like a puppy is not going to help rekindle her feelings of desire for you. The best and only thing you can do is just cease all contact immediately. Nothing. Even if she contacts you, just don't respond for a while. Let her wonder where you are. Being someone she can take for granted is not going to make her passionate about you again, y'know?
Author Orionz Posted July 6, 2008 Author Posted July 6, 2008 Okay guys, it had been close to a mere week since i start NC. I guess, its really tough for me to have this NC since my closest mate that i confide in is one of her closest mate too. I asked my mate if she had asked about me and he told me that she did ask how was i doing, but only in more of a friendly way instead of affectionate way. According to my mate, she is doing fine and well. I've been trying to ask myself to move on, but deep down in me, i know im waiting for a comforting answer from my mate whenever i asked if she have talked about me.... >_<
veh Posted August 8, 2008 Posted August 8, 2008 Hi Orionz, I too face the same problem. I just recently broke up with my gf of 6 months. The reason she wanted the break up was the same, her feeling for me is fading. She told me she cant commit to this relationship anymore, thus choosing to end it. I too dont understand why, it all happen so suddenly. I was with her the night before and the next morning, she wanted the break up. I managed to talk to her abt it, and we agree to give each of us 2 weeks cool down period. But I could not control myself, I called and message her the following day. She went out as per normal where as I did not have any motivation or drive to get pass everyday. I often wonder why all these does not affect her a single bit. I wait for her at her place, try to talk to her. She didnt chase me away, she let me in. But i left her place shortly afterward. On the end of the 2 weeks, I could not patiently wait for her decision. So i end up waiting for her at her place again. End up, she went out with friends for a drink till late. I wonder how could she do this. To me that day is a very important day as she suppose to let me know whether our relationship can still be continued. But she still went out and have fun. Why is that so. This question often tortured me...yes, end up, she still insist on the break up. Now is the 3rd weeks since our break up. I still love her, i definitely want her back. I'm glad that i found this forum, as I find comfort in reading all the support others is giving. I too need a plan to make her love me once again and a plan to improve myself.
Recommended Posts